Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you judge single mums who claim benefits to be able to stay home with DC?

333 replies

username00000 · 04/06/2019 09:34

Specifically DC before school age.

OP posts:
Bugsymalonemumof2 · 04/06/2019 13:11

I'm a single mum of two under 5. Would love to work but trying to get your foot in the door at lower level jobs it is like finding hens teeth finding a job solely within 8-6 childcare hours. Everywhere wants weekends/evenings/too early/non-set days which is bloody impossible when you are a single parent.

Reality is it's bloody tough

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 04/06/2019 13:12

I believe that benefits should be a safety net not a lifestyle choice. That's what my belief is. I was a SAHM but if we hadn't been able to afford it on DHs pay then I would have found work rather than claim benefits.

NorthernSpirit · 04/06/2019 13:17

Yes I do.

Why should other hard working tax payers pay for your life choices.

Kanga83 · 04/06/2019 13:19

No, you do what you need to do. I firmly believe a young child is best with a parent. Our situation is similar, we were both high earners, I became a sahm, my husbands career encountered issues and he took a low paid job to be able to support the family. We had benefits to help until and i remained a sahm with our second until they go to school. We've adjusted our life accordingly but I firmly believe it's in my kids best interests.

thetonsillolith · 04/06/2019 13:19

That is the most ignorant thing I've read on MN in years @myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling - so Star for that

Whosorrynow · 04/06/2019 13:22

Why is having children described as a lifestyle choice, keeping the human race going by producing new humans is the most important and fundamental work without which there would be no lifestyle for anyone to have

What can be more important than making and raising new humans, making the future

MaintainTheMolehill · 04/06/2019 13:26

Of course I wouldn't judge but I think every parent deserves the choice to stay at home while the kids are small.

Those who do judge, a single parent going back to work on minimum gets more in childcare and benefits than one staying at home.

adaline · 04/06/2019 13:33

Why should other hard working tax payers pay for your life choices.

Is your husband/partner/father of your children dying a lifestyle choice, then? What if they fuck off and decide they don't need to pay towards' their children's upkeep?

What if your child is born disabled and you can't work as they need 24/7 care? What if you're disabled or severely injured giving birth? Are they all lifestyle choices too?

Life doesn't always go the way we plan it. Most single parents did not plan to be that way.

LoveTheLakes40 · 04/06/2019 13:35

@whosorrynow

The best thing you can do for the environment is not have children. I have kids so not criticising anyone’s choice to have them but it is not necessary to have them.

LoveTheLakes40 · 04/06/2019 13:37

@bugsymalonemumof2
Can you not use the time to gain some qualifications and then aim for an office job? Most office jobs are Mon - Fri, 9-5 so fit with childcare.

Babyroobs · 04/06/2019 13:38

I think it's fine to stay home with under three's . As above when people just keep having another one every few years then yes that's annoying .

Nuttyaboutnutella · 04/06/2019 13:40

whosorrynow because it usually is a lifestyle choice Confused

Me and DP chose to have two children so that's what we had. In my previous post on this thread, my relative chose to have her eldest son (actively tried) then proceeded to have unprotected sex with her ex so naturally got pregnant despite admitting she thought once would be okay. My friend also had unprotected sex with her ex as she didn't like being on hormonal birth control or using condoms. Yes her ex was a knob but they both decided not to use protection so got pregnant. So yes, they chose to have kids (obvs my friend didn't chose to get beaten up repeatedly by her ex but continued having unprotected sex with him).

Therefore it becomes a lifestyle choice.

funinthesun19 · 04/06/2019 13:51

NO NO NO

People who do judge are basically just twats.

ToffeePennie · 04/06/2019 14:38

Whoever it was who insinuated I don’t want to work; I DO work. I own my own business, which I run around my children. I’ve been trying very hard to pull it off, which is yet another reason we don’t claim benefits.
We struggle to find the mortgage money every month. I’ve taken to not eating lunch, so the baby can eat, because money is so tight. My oldest has just had a letter about a school trip, only £10 but I’m going to have to ask my parents to fund it for me. That’s how tight on we are for money. I refuse to claim benefits. I don’t see them as a benefit for children, I see them as they should be for disabled people, people with other issues that mean they struggle. Sure it means my life’s a struggle but I can get through - others can’t and I simply can’t reconcile myself to taking from a pot that others need more.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/06/2019 14:45

I'm not judgy but do get concerned that it's a longer term trap.

I've known a number of women who've stopped because it wasn't worth it to pay childcare while their children were young - only to find that jobs are really hard to find with 2+ year gaps on their CV, and they're stuck in a poverty trap (or with a dodgy partner, which isn't any better). Doesn't sound like that's the case for you, go for it.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/06/2019 14:46

@bugsymalonemumof2 Take the nursery places and do a training course. You can do sage accounts, medical secretary, child care, carer for the older person, all courses are daytime and most provide free or heavily subsidised childcare.
It is an opportunity you won't get again.

omione · 04/06/2019 14:48

Only if the keep popping kids out every couple of years so the dont have to go to work but at least that will happen less and less now. please dont tell me this doesnt happen because i know it does

Grumpymug · 04/06/2019 15:03

But to the pp who said the amount is the same so what difference to anyone whether they claim or work, you've missed the point of the work concept. You give and you take. When the benefit system becomes a want not a need, it should be eased away. Like Nanny McPhee!

I said something similar up thread, and I agree that working for the money you have coming in shows work ethic and a want to do right etc etc.
But there's the fact that most people say they have the right to judge because it's their tax money, concerns over how much is spent on benefits for single mums at home on benefits because it means less for others etc, so pointing out that more is usually spent from tax payers money on a single mum working and being supported through childcare than to not work and have benefits is a valid point. When you're talking about simply what's coming out of the pot, it's often less for someone who doesn't work than someone who does.

Why should other hard working tax payers pay for your life choices.

In my case, and many others, they're not. They're paying for my ex's choice to absolve himself of any responsibility. I have stuck by my side of the decision, I've worked to support my DD and continue to do so, I cannot physically work enough hours to support us both alone. I can't get blood out of a stone either, and those with more powers than me gave up trying. He is the one that backed out of his side of the bargain, not me. And I'm the one being told I'm responsible for that too.

namynom · 04/06/2019 15:10

toffeepennie you are exactly who benefits ARE for. You don’t have enough money coming in and you have young children, what an absolute no brainer! Why would you want to deprive your children just because there are people worse off than you. You wouldn’t be taking somebody else’s money off them that isn’t how it works! Are you getting tax credits even? Baffled by that

LakieLady · 04/06/2019 15:26

Absolutely not. Those children will grow up to be the doctors, carers, bin men, whatever, that we will all depend on to keep society functioning.

Child care is punitively expensive and in terms of hours/location etc, often incompatible with meeting work commitments. Workplaces are often punitively inflexible in respecting the family commitments of parents. Commutes can be exhausting and unreliable: wtf do you do if nursery closes at 6, your train is delayed for 2 hours because of a signal failure or incident on the line and you have no-one who can step in and pick your child up?

My only concern is that those parents will be very much disadvantaged when they return to the work force and may never be in a position to make adequate provision for their pensions.

And for those saying that people shouldn't have children they can't afford: none of us can see what the future holds.

Should add, being (happily) child free, I have no dog in this fight!

myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 15:27

Those children will grow up to be the doctors, carers, bin men, whatever, that we will all depend on to keep society functioning. Confused

and you know that how?

Teddybear45 · 04/06/2019 15:29

@Whosorrynow - most often parents who spend a lifetime on benefits produce kids who also spend a lifetime on benefits. Working is important because even if it’s part time and the bare minimum to claim enhanced benefits, even if it’s self-employed, because it shows kids that there is more to life.

One of the biggest reasons why the kids of immigrants do better is because they see this day in day out - my gran, my mum, despite being sahm for a good chunk of my childhoods, would take on side work to supplement their income (this was before immigrants could qualify for benefits) - dress making, beauty treatments, translation work. Mum used to even go to a local factory and service their machines once every few weeks for £50.

Never, ever saw a SAHM whose only purpose was to stay at home waiting for her kids after doing the housework. Just didn’t happen. That’s part of the reason why my siblings and I have done really well compared to those who did see this.

RomanyQueen · 04/06/2019 15:32

No, I don't judge any woman who does this, single parent or not. Your kids come first and if this means being at home and entitled to benefit, then you should take them.
It's much harder to get benefits these days, so if you need/ entitled to, then you should take them.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/06/2019 15:33

ToffeePennie Please apply to claim benefits.
Most people on this thread have agreed they don't judge if used for their purpose, your situation will eventually affect your wellbeing, your DC need you healthy.
If you feel guilty volunteer once a week to help you feel you give back to society, You'll pay tax again the the future.
Use the online calculator and apply.

RomanyQueen · 04/06/2019 15:34

Why should other hard working tax payers pay for your life choices.

Because that's what they choose by working Confused It's obvious join them on benefits if you don't want to pay, what a stupid comment.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread