Do you judge single mums who claim benefits to be able to stay home with DC?

[username00000]

Specifically DC before school age.

I don't because I was one.

Being a single parent is hard work. Working and juggling childcare is hard work. When you add those two things together 95% of your daily life feels like hard work. I looked at jobs but with childcare it just didn't seem worth it. Also, I was his only parent and I felt guilty at the thought of giving him over to childcare when he was small.

As soon as my son went to school I went back to work for 30 hrs for that first year and then full time. I wanted him to see that we work for what we need.

I was a child of a single parent and she never worked once. She lived a life off of benefits and it was miserable for her and for us children financially. She did her best and loved us but it's undeniable that life would have been smoother if she had a wage coming in. Certainly once we were old enough for the whole lot not to have been spent on childcare.

I think once they are at school you can make it work.

thetonsillolith

no need for that, I was just replying to your post and your question. You make a choice, but let's not pretend you haven't got one. We are lucky enough in this country that everybody has lots of choices and possibilities. Modern technology has a lot to be thankful for.

You’ve lost your job. Your situation is exactly what the benefits system is there for. I wouldn’t judge you. I am a single mum, I work as my kids are older but I still receive top up benefits.

I do judge people who have kids just to live off benefits. A girl I know from school got pregnant at 18 and has had a kid every 5 years or so since then. Different Dads, never worked. I think she has a bit of an issue now though as she can’t claim for anymore children born after 2017 (2 child policy) and she’s also heading towards 40 with no work experience. She’s pretty much unemployable and once she becomes a single unemployed person, rather than mother (when the youngest hits 18) she’s going to find herself in a not very sympathetic benefits regime.

Erm @myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling I didn't choose to have a disabled child. A disabled child that needs round the clock care.

I went back to work part time when my 2nd DD went to school and full time when she went to secondary, what i don't understand is why women have a child and put the child in nursery from 8am until 5.30pm, why have children just for someone else to care for them?

adaline
I am not sure why you assume that I am a SAHM? Nothing wrong with it, but I currently work full time.

In my original post I did say that I support people accepting help to cope with a change of circumstances, but I don't for those who make a very questionable lifestyle choice.

Yes.

Certainly not.

I'm a LP and only had a break for maternity leave. Working PT for a deacde has messed up my mental and my physical health. The dc's would have had considerably better parenting had I not worked. I had 3 weeks off for a n operate a while ago, I was lovely.

But I have a pension and mortage will be paid off before long so at least we'll be fairly ok. I can spend the money on family therapy .

thetonsillolith
In your original post you are the one who said you had 15 hours a week when your child was in childcare, I am not making up anything. If you don't want to work, clearly you don't. Just don't come and pretend you have no choice.

Again, I am just replying to your post, I am not making anything up!

off for an operation. Unable to type 🙄.

Not in the slightest. It’s no different than getting childcare vouchers so you can pay somebody else to look after your child. (Which is also totally fine imo, but completely backwards if you would actually rather stay at home but feel societal pressure to go back to work). I don’t understand people who are judgemental of sahms. Study upon study has shown that a sahp is what is best for the child in the first few years. Obviously it’s not for everyone and if it’s not what works for your family then that’s all there is to it! I am a feminist and feel no judgement at all towards women who choose to work outside the home. Why judge a sahm who is just trying to give their baby the best start in life they can? It makes no sense to me.

Unfortunately OP you will be judged but it’s up to you whether you feel you care enough about other people’s opinions to let it effect your decision.

Where I live there is a lot of stigma around being a sahm even if you’re not on benefits (I don’t know why people think this is any of their business) so you can imagine what it’s like for single mothers who stay at home and claim.

My child doesn't sleep @myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling - you clearly know nothing about parenting an AN child

I would judge

what i don't understand is why women have a child and put the child in nursery from 8am until 5.30pm, why have children just for someone else to care for them?
Maybe to pay their mortgage? Be able to give their DC a better quality of life.
Nurserys are excellent these days, I don't use them as my DC have SEN, I am not a single mother but need to work shifts around DP.
When the DC need shows coats a winter/summer wardrobe, I can buy as needed.
I was unemployed for a time, it was awful splitting food further, dreading the monthly bills.

thetonsillolith
You are making excuses, I get that. I am glad you have time to relax on MN in your very busy life though.

Many of us find ourselves in this situation OP you are not alone.

It is very hard to find a suitable flexible job which is hard when all you want is a secure job you like with decent hours and wages.

Don't be hard on yourself, no-one even needs to know you're claiming benefits, I certainly never told a soul when I was.

Yes. Why would you decide to have a child which you can't comfortably provide for financially? Having a child isn't a God given right

Believe it or not most single mums do not chose to be single mums

When it comes down to it, I think a lot of us make decisions based on how things look to other people, not wanting judgement or criticism from other people, or not wanting to be perceived a certain way. Simply put what we all should be doing is making decisions based on what is right for our family with no outside input.

It's there as a safety net for people. How long someone needs that net for is going to vary.

We need to get to be kind. You can't "see" circumstances.

But to the pp who said the amount is the same so what difference to anyone whether they claim or work, you've missed the point of the work concept. You give and you take. When the benefit system becomes a want not a need, it should be eased away. Like Nanny McPhee!

Apologies @myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling I got you mixed up with another poster

No... if you genuinely need it, e.g in your case job loss, in mine my exH left and my employer can't up my hours so I get WFTC but hope to increase hours in future.

Yes...for people choosing this as a way of life pre-DC and not paying in originally or planning to pay back later.

A lot of people who say ''the state shouldn't support lifestyle choices'' wouldn't be in favour of free childcare for all, because it would lead to higher taxes, so in other words, women (and the less privileged, less educated or less fortunate due to some circumstance) women must foot the bill. But not them, not their taxes. And yes, out of the other side of their mouth the state must not fund lifestyle choices.

The state supports my x abnegating his responsibilities.

Also, employers must be induced to allow work that allows flexibility.
Too many women all chasing jobs that work around children atm.

No, I judge absent parents who leave their kids at the mercy of the state. I have a mate whose husband just left her with two disabled children and now she's on UC whilst he's off applying for mortgages to buy himself a home. His CMS judgement is pitifully low and he plans to go self-employed so he can get out of paying at all.

ie people having another child before their first turns 5 as moving onto JSA is so tough. I'm not saying it's particularly widespread but I have met some people who have done this.

It no longer works like this. The entire system has been overhauled. There isn't even anymore JSA or Income Support. It's all Universal Credit. You don't get extra money for third or subsequent children born after April 2017 (multiple second pregnancies excepted).

OP, you should start a thread asking people if they judge companies who avoid paying corporation tax in order for the CEO to get richer.

I wonder if you’d get the same level of vitriol?