Page 5 | Do you judge single mums who claim benefits to be able to stay home with DC?

username00000 · 2019-06-04T08:34:03+00:00

Specifically DC before school age.

Ihatehashtags · 04/06/2019 11:09

Yes. Staying at home is a luxury most can’t afford.

Cafelatte2go · 04/06/2019 11:10

No I don't. If you do you are not thinking long-term.

Why would I envy someone who has hardly any money and the money they have is totally dependent on them not frequently being penalized/ sanctioned etc? Who most likely doesn't own their own house in a bit very nice area or likely to have little to no pension? To keep repeating this cycle every 5 years by having more children deliberately shows how limited their life choices must be.

I get that working FT on a middle/low wage and paying nursery is horrendous. But it's a very small time period for much better rewards afterwards.

TulipsTulipsTulips · 04/06/2019 11:12

The aim should always be to support one’s own family, and the state’s role is to provide support when work is not possible. I do judge benefits as a lifestyle choice because my husband and I work full time with two children below school age. I don’t judge the OP at all and it sounds like she’s doing her best.

Ncagainandagainn · 04/06/2019 11:12

Remember some of these parents have to go on benefits after the children are here so it's not a case of don't have children if you can't afford them. Also please believe me when I say being at home skint, with no company except from your children is not a luxury.

adaline · 04/06/2019 11:12

I work full time and am a single mother to 2yo dd. It’s frigging hard work, but the wage I bring in means dd doesn’t have to go without, ever

But surely you realise that lots of single parents will never earn enough to cover the costs of rent, childcare, bills etc @MustardScreams?

Full time nursery for an under 2 costs, on average, (according to google) £242 a week - so that's about £1000 a month. That's only £350 less than I earn in a month! Add on the cost of rent, bills, council tax and you can easily see how it's not viable. Yes, there are tax credits or UC, but even so.

Most single parents can't get a job that pays enough (or has enough flexibility) to be able to manage all those costs unless they can return to a previous job, get generous child maintenance or share parenting with their ex. Raising a child completely on your own is not cheap!

adaline · 04/06/2019 11:13

Instead of judging the single mums, maybe we should be judging the men who fuck off and pay nothing for their children?

myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 11:14

I'd love to know how you know these women pop out babies for the benefit money?!

The first child might be a grey area, but having more (2nd or 3rd) babies whilst on benefits is kind of a clue!

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2019 11:14

If they stay home once the free childcare hours kick in, yes I do. I think benefits should be there for cases of need, not as a lifestyle choice. There will always be exceptions of course - children w health problems, families fleeing domestic violence but as a general rule I think people should try and support their children (and that includes absent parents).

Ncagainandagainn · 04/06/2019 11:16

adaline

Exactly! I hate to think I'm being judged when I'm trying my best while he gets off scot-free.

newjobnerves · 04/06/2019 11:17

@adaline "Yes, there are tax credits or UC, but even so." TC covered 70% of my childcare bill, so it's not a case of "but even so". I was able to commute from zone 6 to zone 1 in London because so much of my childcare was paid for. And I had to pay for childcare to cover 7am-6pm to cover all possibilities. When I went full time I brought home less due to the loss of tax credits, the system is flawed and yet still isnt utilised. So you can't be blase about the help that's out there.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/06/2019 11:19

No not at all. I've no right to judge anyone. I had no choice I had to return to work, but often its a personal choice, isn't it. Also I had family to rally round and work between each other for childcare. I was extraordinarily lucky. Not every one has that luxury, do they.
Also no one judges married women when they don't work, do they.

adaline · 04/06/2019 11:21

So you can't be blase about the help that's out there

I'm not blasé about it at all, I'm just saying it's not always that easy. Just because some people can manage it, doesn't mean everyone can. I don't think single mums who are there for their children 24/7 are the ones that should be judged, personally.

They're the ones who are raising their children. Where are their fathers?

Grumpymug · 04/06/2019 11:21

At this point in the day, I suppose you might be getting a lot of responses from people who aren't working.

Or are working but just not at work? Shift workers, night workers, people who work weekends and have days off through the week. I'm one of the above and comments like that really annoy me tbh. I was awake, on the ball and working for 12 hours during the night, when most are sleeping and I'm awake now because life goes on around me and sometimes that wakes me up.

I wouldn't judge you OP, being totally honest, I probably cost more in claiming for childcare to work ft than had I been at home on benefits. As my DC is older, it's starting to swing the other way and I'm paying in slightly more than I get back, that'll increase as she gets older.
And the problem with being a single parent and working while child is at school is that as most people will tell you, especially here, you shouldn't consider school as childcare, yet expect you to when it comes to working.
You need to get into a mindset of not caring, which is a damned sight harder than it appears, because regardless of what is actually happening, you'll be judged anyway.
Personally I wouldn't judge you, you need to do what you need to do to survive and have a future.

TulipsTulipsTulips · 04/06/2019 11:25

Surely we all have a right to judge on this issue because it’s about how our taxes are spent. It’s a good thing that my taxes are used to help those in need. It’s not a good thing if my taxes are used to support those who can work but would prefer to stay at home with their children, courtesy of my taxes. That’s obviously unfair, especially as my young children are in nursery full time. Just to be clear, I don’t judge the OP as it sounds like she really needs the support.

newjobnerves · 04/06/2019 11:26

@adaline well no you're right the dads do seem to get off lightly in these discussions. But still there are a lot more opportunities out there than some people are willing to try. The amount of people I hear who say childcare is too expensive, but have never looked into the childcare elements of help, we got it as a couple, right up to earning £50k between us. Less excuses, more ownership.

Phillipa12 · 04/06/2019 11:29

I ended up on full benefits when my youngest was 4 months old but then i didnt expect to become a single mum of 3 as i thought i was happily married till i was told otherwise. As soon as my youngest qualified for his 2 year old funded hours i went back to work, my hours will increase once he starts school in september, but i will still get some top up benefits due to the low income of my job. Benefits are for those who find themselves in situations like mine, they should never be a permanant lifestyle choice like some pps have mentioned.

MammEEE · 04/06/2019 11:32

Depends on the situation. I hate it when people who don't work keep having kids and expect the state to pay for them. And yes I do judge them as I think your kid your responsibility. I have a 10 yr gap between by kids as I made sure I can afford a second child. I've always worked even when I was a single mum. I now work f/t and so does my DH. It would be nice to have a third child but we will not because we cannot afford another one and continue to lead good lives with nice days out with kids etc. We could survive but it's not fair on DC that we already have or me and DH as we're used to a fairly nice life. I appreciate not all kids are planned but I know plenty of people who say their kids were not planned but equally they also didn't use protection. Not sure what they expected!

And more judgement from me-It gets even worse when parents refer to themselves as "full time mummy or daddy" when their kid is at school and they don't even try to find a job.

It's different if there's no jobs out there, you've been laid off, fleeing DV or if there's disabilities etc involved.

habibihabibi · 04/06/2019 11:32

The government doesn't do enough to get women with children back into the workplace. Scandinavian type goverment provided childcare with properly paid professionally trained childcare workers is what is needed. Not going to happen when the UK can't even get schools sorted.

happyinherts · 04/06/2019 11:32

This country needs to value the importance a mother plays in the life of small children.

I have nothing but admiration for mums who sacrifice earning power to stay at home with children - even if that does mean claiming benefits. Children aren't children for long.

myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 11:33

At this point in the day, I suppose you might be getting a lot of responses from people who aren't working.

you know that most offices have internet access, don't you?

Ncagainandagainn · 04/06/2019 11:33

Phillipa12

Can I ask it you were still entitles to 2 year old funding when you went back to work? As I mentioned I will be going to college so am entitled to it r my 2 year old but if I get a job before that then I would choose that instead. I assumed I would no longer be entitled to the free hours though.

madcatladyforever · 04/06/2019 11:34

No way the children are much more important and I will always regret not doing so myself. DS needed me. I'd always support people who do this.

Ncagainandagainn · 04/06/2019 11:38

The government doesn't do enough to get women with children back into the workplace. Scandinavian type goverment provided childcare with properly paid professionally trained childcare workers is what is needed. Not going to happen when the UK can't even get schools sorted.

There is a course in my area that happens
once a year through the council for single parents on benefits. A couple of months training at college and then a 6 month fully paid placement within the council. You get to choose from a list of roles and choose hours to suit you. At the end of the 6 months they decide whether to keep you on or not. I think this is an excellent idea and more areas should do something like this. I was unaware of it so missed out but I would have definitely applied had I known.

WhereForArtThouBray · 04/06/2019 11:38

I judge some, the ones who post about how it's so important to be at home with their kids and how good they are at being a mum much better than working mums. Especially when they never had a job pre kids and won't when the kids go to school either. I know a fair few like this. The kids are sat in front of peooa pig all day whilst the mum is preaching on facebook about how great she is.

My friend however gave up her job to be a sahm and her partner walked out on her and their 7 month old. She had to relocate across the country and start again, she took some time before she went back to work and I didnt judge her at all. She needed that time and now her son is on school she works and they have rebuilt their life.

adaline · 04/06/2019 11:40

The government doesn't do enough to get women with children back into the workplace.

No, the government doesn't do enough to make absent fathers step up and support their children. I disagree with most of America's policies but I do appreciate their hard line on child support.

Men who don't pay for their children face loosing their drivers' license and jail time. There are no consequences in the UK for men who abandon their children.