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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How interested are your parents and inlaws in your DC?

88 replies

TigerPandas · 03/06/2019 11:54

How interested are you parents and inlaws in your DC. We have one son who is 18 months old. My mum loves spending time with him and wants to visit and see him as much as possible (she lives an hour drive away and visits every 2 weeks, stays the whole day and sometimes overnight. She would visit every weekend if possible). Dh's mum isn't that interested, she doesn't visit often and doesn't stay too long. My DH said last night "I thought my mum would be more interested in our son". I feel bad for him.

OP posts:

jennymanara · 03/06/2019 11:58

What is the relationship like between your DP and his mum and between you and his mum? Because that is often the key I think. Because spending a lot of time with an 18 month old means in reality spending a lot of time with their parents. Would your MIL visiting your toddler mean a lot mean she would be spending a lot of time with just you and your DC alone?

Oysterbabe · 03/06/2019 12:00

My dad is not very interested. I'm the youngest and he had 6 grandkids before my 2 and they all live close by. He's quite old now and can't be bothered to travel far to see us. I don't hold it against him. My mum is dead. My inlaws are very interested and visit often even though they live 1.5 hours away. They've just bought a second home 20 minutes away so that they can spend some week days here and help with school pickup when my oldest starts next year.

Pinkvoid · 03/06/2019 12:00

My MIL is the same as yours. Before he was born she was all over excited and insisted on buying lots of things we really didn’t need, want or end up even using. She kept telling anyone she could that she was having her first Grandchild, couldn’t wait for him to be born.

Then he was born, she visited once when he was approx 4/5 days old. She was angry because he was nursing for the majority of her visit (normal for newborns!) so she ‘only got to hold him for ten minutes’ . She didn’t visit again until Christmas which was around 8 weeks later then I think she visited at Easter and that was the last time we saw her. When she visits she’s more interested in the cat ... she’s a weird woman anyway so we don’t take it to heart. She lives 10 miles away and drives fwiw so no excuses.

FIL spends a lot of his time working in SA so he visits when he can which is usually every other month.

My Mum visits every month I’d say, we live 40 miles apart so I go see her once a month too. Haven’t seen or spoken to my Dad for years but that’s another story entirely .

EskewedBeef · 03/06/2019 12:04

My mum is interested, my dad a bit less so. My in-laws are borderline obsessive about needing to know about the kids, but haven't been to visit us for more than 10 years (it's a theoretical interest I think - they want the photos to show and the stories to tell, but aren't interested in the real life bits).

Seniorschoolmum · 03/06/2019 12:05

My mum was interested in her dgcs from a distance

She liked the photos on display, she liked lots of Xmas cards and news to share with her friends but she didn’t do hands-on anything.

Original poster

TigerPandas · 03/06/2019 12:05

jennymanara she is a controlling women and doesn't like to see her children as adults. She tries to have a say in every aspect of his life. She didn't want us to have children (even though we were in our 30s, married, had a mortgage, both had jobs and savings) and she was practically in tears asking how we could possibly cope with a baby/ child when she found out. She prefers us to visit her because she can boss us around like children. Even then she isn't that interested in our dc, just more interested in telling my dh what he should be doing

OP posts:

Original poster

TigerPandas · 03/06/2019 12:06

Also it's her first and only grandchild

OP posts:

Original poster

TigerPandas · 03/06/2019 12:07

Those of you with distant grandparents that don't seem interested does it upset you or your dh?

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managedmis · 03/06/2019 12:08

My parents are quite interested but still live in the UK (we live abroad) and do not come to see the kids half as much as I thought they would. My mum is definitely more interested in than my dad.

My FIL is interested, but from a distance... We probably see him 4 tines a year, but tbh after an hour with the kids he's had enough. He's 75 though

HomeMadeMadness · 03/06/2019 12:09

I think they enjoy spending time with the DC but are mainly living their own lives so they're certainly not a strong focus. Especially now both are older. I would say they're all fairly typical grandparents in that they enjoy the fun bits - birthday pressies and maybe the odd sports day or nativity play (only if it happens to coincide with a visit) but they wouldn't want to visit every week or deal with the negative bits of children for any length of time.

managedmis · 03/06/2019 12:10

Those of you with distant grandparents that don't seem interested does it upset you or your dh?

Think it bothers me more than DH. Our kids are still young and I feel the GPS are missing out on all their interesting years.

Also, there's the question of babysitting : we basically never get an offer of a babysitter from either FIL or GPS. Unless my parents happen to visit, which is rare.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 03/06/2019 12:11

I have been nc with my dps for years. Df doesn't even know how many dc I have! Ils lived ten mins away when youngest dc as born (dh's only dc). They saw ds 3 times from Sept to Jan. We moved away in April and mil emailed her friends to say we had cut her off!
Haven't heard from them in over 4 years!

Bluerussian · 03/06/2019 12:12

Sometimes our in laws are a bit insecure and go on the offensive. They don't mean harm, it's about self protection. They are afraid of being rebuffed and hurt.

Just carry on as normal. treat them the same as you would your parents and it will eventually work out.

Both my mother (widowed) and my in laws were very interested and involved in mine, they're gone now and I miss them.

formerbabe · 03/06/2019 12:12

My own parents are dead. There's just my mil around. She couldn't give a shit

NorthernSpirit · 03/06/2019 12:13

I have 2 DSC. My father has passed away and my mother takes no interest whatsoever - i’ve been with my OH over 5 years, she’s never met the DSC, i’d Be surprised if she even remembers their names, doesn’t even put their names on a Christmas card.

Yes, it upsets me. But that’s my mum and I can’t change her (she’s always been self centred).

Minai · 03/06/2019 12:13

My mum is interested, loves to come visit and help me with my boys. My dad is completely uninterested and rarely visits. I doubt my 2 year old would know who he is. On the other end of the scale my Mil is unhealthily obsessed with them. Fil could take or leave them.

DreamingofSunshine · 03/06/2019 12:16

My parents are very interested in their grandchildren. MIL gets more interested as they get older, since DS turned 18 months she became much more engaged with him, and his cousins. She says she prefers toddlers to babies and she is very hands on now when she's with DS which is every 4-8 weeks.
StepFIL isn't really interested but he married MIL when DH was 22 so they don't have a parenting relationship. As PP said, it depends on the relationship.

MinnieMountain · 03/06/2019 12:17

MIL is very interested and very helpful.

FIL lives in Spain but has noticeably upped his visits this year- DS is 5 so there's more they can do together.

DH gets on well with both his DPs.

DM is pretty interested but lives 4 hours away and I have trouble arranging visits due to my relationship with her.

DF likes the idea of DS but barely interacts with him when we see him. He and I barely speak now and because of the above I can't be arsed to arrange anything. He lives 6 hours away.

Sosososotired · 03/06/2019 12:18

My parents adore my kids and spend a lot of time with them. Same with MIL. FIL is a lot older and I don’t think he has the energy so keeps his distance.

Gatehouse77 · 03/06/2019 12:19

In-laws - very much so.
My mother - in the early years, definitely but when her health deteriorated it became much harder (a degenerative neurological condition)
My father - not much but I didn't really expect anything else as he wasn't interested in his first batch of children and I'm not really sure he did much better with the second.

DuffBeer · 03/06/2019 12:20

My mum is very involved and is a great grandparent. She is irritating at times and overbearing, but she really tries so hard with our child.

My Dad is fucking useless. Has probably seen his grandchild about 6 times in 4.5 yrs despite living close by. He's just totally selfish and doesn't like noise or any kind of commotion so it's probably best that he's kept at arms length.

We see in-laws about 3-4 times per yr. MIL harps on about not seeing us enough and makes passive aggressive comments. But the reality is that they are retired, wealthy and could come and visit a lot more frequently, but for whatever reason they don't.

She also doesn't particularly interact with grandchild when she is here, despite making out like she is some kind of doting grandmother. It's very bizarre.

mumpenalty · 03/06/2019 12:27

My parents are interested in a token and platitudes kind of way - sending gifts, cooing over photos etc, posting about their beautiful grandkids on facebook. They are performance grandparents. In reality they are not interested at all, have only visited us twice in 15 months (we live two hours drive away) and would never offer to babysit etc. I have visited them too, but it’s often hard work and they wouldn’t offer to help with our DD when we are there either.

MIL is interested and will pop in and does offer to babysit occasionally, so that is something. Our DD is the fifth of six grandchildren on one side, and the fourth of four on the other, so no novelty value either.

I found that having my DD made me mourn for a better relationship with my parents all over again, after I thought I had long made peace with having such crap parents. It has made me really sad in truth.

Autumn101 · 03/06/2019 12:29

My parents adore them and would do anything for them, they have a lovely bond. My dad maybe less so as babies/toddlers but now they’re 9 and 11 he loves playing games, talking about football etc with them. We live overseas but they visit twice a year and we go back for the whole summer. Lots of phone calls and photos back and forth too so they know all the day to day details of their lives. When we go back and stay DH and I don’t get a look in, it’s great!

ILs care about them but aren’t as involved as my parents, we all get on well and no issues I think they just aren’t that into children! They’re happy to see the DC in the background but don’t give them the same attention as my parents....... It does bother DH slightly to be honest as there’s such a marked difference between the two sets of GPs.

I think some of ours is that all my GPs had died by the time I was 5 so my parents both relish the opportunity to have that relationship with the DC. DHs GPs (bar 1) are all still alive and well so maybe his parents take it for granted more??

EntirelyAnonymised · 03/06/2019 12:38

We only have 1 living parent/grandparent between us. She is very detached indeed. Twice a year visits and phone calls twice a month.

cadburyegg · 03/06/2019 12:38

Polar opposites here - my mum does 3 days childcare for us with DS2 so she is obviously hands on and loves spending time with them. In laws complain about not seeing a lot of them and do babysit occasionally but as someone said upthread, they enjoy the fun stuff like birthdays but aren’t particularly interested in making the effort with them on a regular basis.

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