How interested are your parents and inlaws in your DC?

[TigerPandas]

How interested are you parents and inlaws in your DC. We have one son who is 18 months old. My mum loves spending time with him and wants to visit and see him as much as possible (she lives an hour drive away and visits every 2 weeks, stays the whole day and sometimes overnight. She would visit every weekend if possible). Dh's mum isn't that interested, she doesn't visit often and doesn't stay too long. My DH said last night "I thought my mum would be more interested in our son". I feel bad for him.

My Mil couldn’t be less interested. Babies happen all the time in that family. She lives about 20 mins away but would never come over. Fine by me tbh! My mum is interested and pops over for a cuppa a lot but doesn’t do much hands on care.

My parents were interested in DS1 until my brother and his wife had a baby. After that the visits stopped and once they started looking after my DN he was all they wanted to talk about. Both my sons aren’t bothered - they realised from an early age who came first with their grandparents and they laugh about it now. For me it was my parents loss - playing favourites is something I never expected them to do but outwith my control so can’t say I lose sleep over it.

My parents are very interested and helpful. DH’s parents are interested in theory but seem less able to put it into practice. They live further away which does make it harder to be fair.

she is a controlling women and doesn't like to see her children as adults.....She prefers us to visit her because she can boss us around like children. Even then she isn't that interested in our dc, just more interested in telling my dh what he should be doing
Why do you want a person like this involved in your dc/family life?

she was practically in tears asking how we could possibly cope with a baby/ child when she found out
Maybe her 'disinterest' is a manipulation technique?
She's not going to 'offer' help etc.....but the very second that you make any noise about her lack of interest/involvement or do anything normal like vent/voice your concerns/worries she will be in there like a shot to lecture you, talk down to you and tell you that she 'told you so'.
Any 'help/advice' that she offers will have a big drama made of it along with the narrative that it's evidence that you can't 'cope' or 'don't know how to parent'.

You both need to get out of the F.O.G and not her take up your headspace and lives like this.

My parents weren't around (I was taken to live by my grandparents when I was 7) so they were never a factor.

My PIL have always been very interested in the kids. MIL now lives with us and absolutely dotes on them all. She's brilliant, but she was a brilliant Mum and I do think there's a link.

Our eldest is actually my step-son. His maternal grandmother absolutely dotes on him as well.

His grandfather lives so close you can see his house from ours and vice-versa and he last seen him at Christmas. DS isnt' allowed to just pop by or knock to say hi when he passes (every day when he was at school he'd pass going for the bus) as it wasn't convenient. Apparently he wasn't a very interested father either and only ever really got involved in events that he should - DH thinks it's more about the image rather than actually wanting to be involved. He children and grandchildren from his second marriage that he is exactly the same with.

Both our sets of parents are besotted with DS. We are extremely lucky.
My parents collect him from nursery at lunchtime once a week and look after him for about 4-5hrs. My lovely inlaws collect him from my parents and then keep him overnight once a week and all the next day. My parents have lots of health problems so half a day is all they can manage.

My mum has never met him, I doubt she would know when his birthday is if someone asked, my dad has seen him three times. There isn’t another parent so really he doesn’t have any grandparents.

I currently live with my dad after splitting with kids dad. Even when we lived a 2.5hr drive away, my dad would visit nearly every weekend. My mum however, we didn't really talk so it was a bit awkward when she got her grandchildren. In 3.5 years she's visited 4 times, however her mobility is limited and only recently since moved back to my dafs house I also live closer to her so have probably visited once a week. My mother in law in 3.5 Years we have seen her probably 15 times. She doesn't live far but always seems to be busy with work, church and her husband who lives in another borough.
All in all though, its my mum who has actually looked after DC when split from ex and had to travel back and forth for belongings, cleaning, ect.

My family absolutely dote on our dd. She's the younger grandchild and everyone adores her.

My oh family.... My god... I used to try so hard to get them involved but they are so uninterested. I've often heard my oh on the phone to his parents and there will be no mention of dd at all. They do live a good Bit away and I've sent up photos but they were given back it breaks my heart a bit but they were shit parents anyway so I don't know why I thought the be a bit different with Dd.

When the DC were growing up my DM called by about once or twice a month. She lived ten minutes away. Babysat when asked (and obviously couldn't wait to give them back) but never ever offered, and in 13 years never had them overnight. PIL live an hour away and were interested to a degree but we very much played second fiddle to SIL DC (they live next door to them). In fact the lack of practical help and support was why I went back to work at 4 and 5 months for a break! They're teens now, my DM has died and we're a very tight unit of four.

Those of you with distant grandparents that don't seem interested does it upset you or your dh?

It would be worse if my DM was interested as she was a horrific parent to me. I thank the lord she couldn't care less about my DD!

In laws are very loving and interested though live quite far away so not really involved on a practical level. When dc were younger and in laws lived closer they helped out a lot though and ds sometimes goes to stay with them.

My parents are highly critical and seemed to decide that I would take the piss and they weren't going to be taken advantage of for childcare from the moment I told them I was pregnant. So of course I never asked. Then they got stressed and volunteered because the in-laws were getting to have dc and they didn't want to be left out. It never worked though as they don't really like me so were never going to like my children and my Dad was rigid and bordering on verbally aggressive with my kids for normal kid stuff. Final straw was when he bellowed at my 9 year old for no good reason and I went NC. They were probably relieved to be honest.

My DM has dementia and is in a care home. She's a very maternal person and was very hands on with my sister's children so imagine she would have been interested. Don't tend to see my dad much as he's an alcoholic and controlling and abusive when we were kids.. he tries to make more contact but I think that's from a selfish pov as he is lonely.

PIL live around 40 mins away and that is a long distance according to my MIL but because we were the ones who moved away (used to live around the corner) it is pretty much an excuse not to make as much effort. We're always the ones to either invite them here or ask if we can visit.

Her and FIL are very attentive when they do see the DC, but we're just not a high priority.. DH's brother is the golden child and so therefore are his two DC. He is also a man child and he and his girlfriend take absolutely no personal responsibility. MIL spends so much time with them and/or looking after the DC that she basically doesn't have the time. And the fact that we're 'further away' is a convenient way to justify it in her mind.

Despite the fact it was the same when we lived five mins away!

Mil cares more about sil’s kid than bil’s but that’s understandable in India as you don’t tend to see your daughter’s kids as often. It’s considered socially unacceptable for women to see their parents too often, so visits are often around special occasions.

DP live in the UK and see my sister everyday but care more about her kids (than my brother’s) because she’s their favourite. Mum is as hands-on in terms of childcare for both sets of kids.

I am nowhere close to my parents’ favourite and have no doubt this will reflect on my kids. Not expecting anything from her or mil. They’ll both visit per Indian culture and traditions but I don’t think either of them will be offering up childcare or help beyond that lol

I can count how many times mil has visited us on my fingers (and my kids are adults) she lives 45 mins away. We do visit there but it's super awkward and the kids refused to come from teenage years

My in-laws genuinely like kids in general and are great with and close to all their grandchildren.

My parents aren't as in to children. When DF was last visiting, the only thing I heard him say to DS was to give out to him. Yes, it upsets me. I'm very glad for all those (extended family) who are interested tho

DM would be a lot better and have a lot more interest. I do find myself a bit in the middle tho, both dm and dc want my attention mostly instead of spending time with each other.

Maybe the in-laws read MN and know they're second rate compare to her parents, don't want to step on her precious toes or say the wrong thing. Some people reap what they sow.

My parents are not as interested as I’d hoped and it does make me sad. My DC is quite quiet too and they give up quite quickly making the effort when he doesn’t. My in-laws have nurtured a lovely relationship with him and he’s really chatty with them. I don’t take him round to my parents as much now (they rarely visit) as it seems a waste of time and he gets bored there. I think seeing how they are with him threw a light on my own upbringing and I realised that I was left alone a lot to get on with things. Sorry for your DH 🙁

My DM isn't particularly interested but loves to give it the ol' doting Granny on social media. My DF sends a message at birthdays and Christmas, tenner in a card. I'm pretty sad about it generally as they were both fairly doting to my nieces and nephews, but DM and DF divorced and my DD has fallen into the void.

My PIL are just as crap. MIL visits mostly to moan about FIL. Doesn't really hold DD or ask after her welfare. FIL has probably met DD twice. She's nearly 2. They live 10 miles away and both drive.

My MIL gave my daughter a chipmunk shaped toothpick holder (filled to the brim with said toothpicks) for her 1st birthday. She followed it up with 40 year old BOYS waffle knit material Y fronts for her 2nd birthday. Nice.

My parents live hundreds of miles away and are very involved in our DCs lives. We Skype, call, and send photos. We visit them or they come here about four times a year. They have a wonderful relationship with the DCs.

My in-laws live significantly closer. My FIL hasn't met my youngest DC who is 2, my MIL only once. They never remember their birthdays or even how to spell their names correctly. We have tried very hard to foster a relationship but it's very one-way effort.

Both sets of parents extremely interested in our 14 year old and 14 month old and one due in October.
Both live 5 mins away so we see them multiple times a week.
I’ve just gone back to work 3 days a week after maternity leave and so MIL had him one day and my mum the other 2 but both mums will have him anytime I ask for appointments or if me and OH want to go out.
Both are super generous also .
My 14 month old loves my dad, he cry’s when I pick him up and if he falls over or wants cuddle and my dad is there then he would go to my dad over me everytime lol
My dad loves him and plays with him and they have always taken my eldest daughter away abroad and really close with her.
We are obv really close to both sets of parents though so it was natural the children would be doted on and close to them.

My parents are very hands on and see the kids every other weekend despite DM being disabled and them living 15miles away.

PILs used to be very hands on when mine were babies and could be paraded around in a pram to everybody. Now they're older they see them maybe every six weeks despite living a 5 minute walk away from our house and both having taken early retirement (mid 50s) more interested in their caravan than the kids these days if I'm honest. We're quite low contact but I prefer it that way as I was very pressured when mine were babies and didn't feel like I could stand up for myself. Since I've grown a backbone the low contact has began. DH isn't bothered though, he prefers it that way too.

My parents are interested in the sort of way you might be some flowers in a garden. “Oh that’s interesting dear, what else is there to see”. This despite statements when I was pregnant that they’d do more than my grandparents do. They have, very occasionally (? 3 times in seven years) surprised me by volunteering to see a nativity play/assembly type thing but visits are nearly always as they’re doing something else and they pop in for a few hours. Consequently I don’t make the effort to see them and it just gets worse. They are due to move closer (half an hour rather than a two hour journey) in the next year or so which fills me with interest and trepidation.

I mostly have low expectations now, so I don’t let it hurt me. It’s sometimes nice to see friends withess their behaviour so that I don’t feel I’m making it up. My only sibling lives overseas so future care planning responsibilities will fall to me, something I don’t look forward to much.