How interested are your parents and inlaws in your DC?

[TigerPandas]

How interested are you parents and inlaws in your DC. We have one son who is 18 months old. My mum loves spending time with him and wants to visit and see him as much as possible (she lives an hour drive away and visits every 2 weeks, stays the whole day and sometimes overnight. She would visit every weekend if possible). Dh's mum isn't that interested, she doesn't visit often and doesn't stay too long. My DH said last night "I thought my mum would be more interested in our son". I feel bad for him.

They're interested in a general way. They come to visit every other month or so (about 1.5 hours away) or twice a year in the case of FiL who is abroad. They wouldn't be involved enough to want to do regular childcare or even manage a phone call of more than 5 minutes listening to the kids ramble on about school/brownies etc. Push comes to shove though if there was something the grandkids really needed they'd do their best to make sure they got it.

Both sets of grandparents are utterly besotted with ds1, less so with ds2 but he's only 2months and doesn't see them too often. Ds1 goes to my parents one day a week and dps parents another day each week. They take him out places, bake, read stories, watch telly, play, go to the park etc etc. He loves being with them and they all love him and spending time with him. The grandfathers are into it as much as the grandmothers! It's lovely to see! Ds2 will hopefully have the same relationship with them as he grows up.

My childrens (living) grandparents aren't remotely interested in our children. My MIL was interested but unfortunately passed on a few years ago. That being said I don't remember any of my grandparents being invested in us grandchildren either?! Think it's just hit and miss.

My mum is a useless grandparent. She only has 4 GC's in total, all grown up now and all have admitted to me and my Dsis (we have two each) that they won't feel sad when she dies, because they have zero relationship with her. I think that would make her sad if she knew, but you reap what you sow as they say and she has just never bothered other than a card at Christmas and Birthdays. My dad's been dead a long time but he wasn't interested either. My ex only had his mum and she was a bit better but also died when they were very young.

I have often felt sad about it. I was a single parent for a long time (ex was abusive) and while I did know other single parents, most had a lovely mum who offered loads of support, babysitting etc so they weren't as alone as I was. I'd always spoil my kids at Christmas and on birthdays because their only presents came from me. There was never anything under the tree from a relative.

My DC have said it made them a bit sad too. But I know that they know I feel guilty about it, so they don't say too much about it.

I think familiarity brings closeness when it comes to children. As poster no. 2 observed, when dcs are little, really you are spending all your time with the (usually) mother, and if that relationship is a bit polite, or even strained, then that sets the tone.

When ds was a baby I'd happily sit for hours on end with my mum, doing nothing, chewing the fat, watching the tv, doing a crossword.... but with the pil it was different. For a start they came as a pair, and it was more a case of entertaining them. They didn't "hang out".

I'm not anti pil in general, and would have happily been more friendly with them, but they were self-centred and distant, and that was hard work.

Also, in our case, our dc came a long time after dh's siblings' dcs. I think they were bored of small children by that time and grandchildren no longer held any novelty or boasting rights!

Forget about her, keep her at arm's length and focus on your own immediate family 🤗

My parents are dead. Until we had DC, PiL were never interested in my DH and barely contacted him. A shift took place when DC first arrived but after a year interest waned and things reverted to the normal pattern. Visits twice a year: Facetime also about twice yearly.

We've stopped visiting them as we're of the view that we can't force a relationship, and after recent behaviour I'm not at all convinced the in-laws are a desirable influence on DC. I'm not going all out and stopping contact altogether, but by the same token am unwilling to put any degree of effort back into the relationship and DH agrees. (There are a lot of complex reasons behind this decision which are quite aside from their lack of interest, and relate to some behaviour we both consider quite damaging).

Of course, there are always efforts to commandeer the important occasions like Christmas and birthdays. It's also been their MO to try to ruin Christmas for years.

I feel terrible for our poor DC. At the same time I'd question the wisdom of whether toxic grandparents are better than no grandparents at all. This is never an easy parenting decision, unfortunately.

My mother, very involved. We moved very close to my mother a coupe of years ago (my husband's idea and suggestion) and we see my mum and dad everyday, often go on holidays etc together.

My in-laws have never been very involved. I used to live fairly close to my sister in law and they were there most days but rarely saw us, we eventually moved a way, there is a 10 plus hours between us now so we don't see each other often understandably. However, their ethos is you look after your daughters. So we don't have the closest relationship. We get on better with the distance.

It used to hurt me a lot, hence why we moved, it hurts him from time to time, he doesn't have much of a relationship with his siblings as they don't seem to want much to do with us and when we visit they often don't want to meet up, one sister kept forgetting our kids birthdays etc so we just decided to stop doing presents when she moved aboard.

In the grand scene of things; my kids are happy, they don't miss out on anything, they have a extremely involved grandmother in their doorstep, we see my in-laws once or twice a year, we tend to be the ones that call etc, although they do visit one a year and the kids love seeing them. I guess I just came to accept they see the world and family differently. There are times it hurts, we went away with them once and they invited one other daughter and family, there was a very much them and us thing. They bought stuff for themselves and their daughter and kept it away from us, paid for attractions etc for her and not for us. Once we were in a zoo and they went and found themselves a table but was no room for us so we had to go outside etc ... so there are things where I am just shocked at their behaviour towards us, but I am and have learnt to appreciate when they are involved.

Let's face it, you cannot change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change your own and your reactions. I wouldn't for example every go away with them and other family again because my kids notice that Granny likes the others more than them, but one on one they love their grandparents and things are lovely.

My parents, in our child, not interested at all, the golden child of the family she cannot get enough of their children, will visit and stay for weeks to help out at school holidays or have them to stay with her, sees golden child's children every 2nd month or will lament to me how sad it is she hasnt seen them. Our DC is not allowed to stay over night (their rules!) and will generally meet us for less than half an hour at a convenient to them cafe every 3-4 months. Golden child lives 400 miles away, we live in same town!

We live 4 hours away from my parents (early to mid 50s) and go to see them when we can and they like to come up for the kids birthday parties. When we go to my parents they love spending time with the kids and always send us out to the cinema or out for a meal on our own. They speak via WhatsApp most days and love receiving pictures. My parents in law see the kids 2x a week and are very loving grandparents. They have the kids two afternoons a week when I am working. As such they don't tend to offer to have the kids out with this arrangement unless we ask ( we don't). They never ring unless either I or my husband do. I think they feel they do as much as they can and would like to do no more, they are early 60s.

In my view toxic grandparents are extremely problematic, they are only going to get worse, more narcissistic and cruel as they get older

OP your MIL is controlling and still treats your DS like a child. So maybe she isn't interested because your DC is clear proof that her DS is not a child? And she can not control your DS?
What I am trying to say is this will probably be more about the relationship your MIL has with her own son and you, rather than anything to do with your DS. Try not to take it personally on your child's behalf.

My parents : obsessed
In laws : indifferent. Strong preference for other grandchildren.

They never ring unless either I or my husband do. I think they feel they do as much as they can and would like to do no more, they are early 60s
When they get to mid 70s and beyond they will start leaning on you for support

I admit I have some sympathy for those whose GC is a baby who is breastfed and who seem more interested in the idea of a GC than the reality.
I don't have a GC, but I know from visiting friends with breastfed babies, it is kind of boring and awkward. You can't interact with the baby as they usually spend a lot of time breastfeeding, and I don't even look at the baby much as I do find it embarrassing looking at my friend's breast. So I can understand how they might feel.

I no longer have parents, but PIL love and are very involved with my two DS (6 & 1).

They do 2 x pick ups a week from school and get the baby one day at the same time and look after them until I’m home from work.

They are taking the older one on holiday this summer and we just went away all together.

They help us with lots of things, they’re very kind and patient with the kids - the older has HFA and they’re very accommodating and have no prejudices etc.

They’re the only grandchildren they have and they aren’t likely to have more.

This has happened organically - nothing has been forced and we are mindful of each other. I don’t expect their help but I’m grateful for it and they don’t impose themselves on us, but are welcome and loved.

My parents FaceTime us every other day (they live in a different continent) and my in-laws couldn’t give two fucks - they live in the south. Maybe come to see us once a year, sometimes twice. Won’t be left alone with the kids either (if they want a tea I’ll have to bring kids up with me etc)

It's different for us. My DH is an only child and our DD is our only Daughter so my in laws only grandchild. They moved to the same town as us last year so we see a lot of them (more than I like sometimes).

I'm one of five and my parents have 11 grandchildren. We see them every couple of months but talk regularly on the phone they treat all their grandchildren the same and love DD. I must admit I'm a bit envious of DH having his parents so close.

When they get to mid 70s and beyond they will start leaning on you for support
No not necessarily. Some parents are quite emotionally detached from their adult children. DP's parents were and it never really changed until they were literally dying. Shit, but nothing you can do about it. So given this is how they are, I would not expect them to be interested in GC.

Titania the golden child/scapegoat dynamic is one of the most damaging there is, and it's sadly all-too common. I'm sorry you have been put in this hurtful position.

In normal circumstances I never think it does much good for parents to worry about how much time the other siblings' children spend with the grandparents; or likewise, the similar complaints by parental GPs that the maternal side spend more time with the GC than they do. This is one scenario in which competition really is the thief of joy. The dynamics of those relationships are completely different, and IME expectations should be adjusted accordingly, and the relationship taken at face value and on the basis on which it's offered. (I suspect SiL is the GC in DH's family, although this doesn't affect either me or DC and I'm easily able to ignore this. I take their lack of involvement in our lives as a gift, but I understand that for some, this is tough).

It's a completely different scenario when favouritism is being used as a form of punishment, as I suspect is the case here. Restrictions put on the time your DC can spend with the GPs is bad: bleating about not having seen the Golden GCs while imposing these restrictions is despicable. Very often these are the type of parents who like to play their children off against each other, too. I'd be tempted to shut her down firmly and refuse to have any such discussion with her, if she tries this approach again. It's callous, and I suspect it's also deliberate.

I sympathise with you and anyone else who is in this position. Our happiness has finally come from accepting that this is who PiLs are, and we have to work with what is the case rather than what we wish to be so. They are not going to change. Letting go of that hope is painful, but is the best path to finding peace. xxx

DM and DF see DS weekly, and not always at the same time depending on work etc, DF sometimes twice as he always comes midweek (retired) and often comes on a Sunday with DM unless he had golf/football match (season ticket). PIL about once a month/6 weeks, which surprised me a bit as they were very interested when I was pregnant and get upset if we don't send photos every few days. MIL is retired too and I've made it clear she's welcome to visit during the week when FIL is at work, they don't have to wait until weekends, ages a confident driver so it's not that. They live a little bit further away than my parents but only by about twenty/thirty minutes.

We are really lucky that dd has 4 grandparents who adore her. She sees my mum and dad probably 3 times a week (they live a 1 min walk away) and she sees MIL and FIL either every Saturday or every other Saturday depending on what's happening. She will stay at MILs for 3 or 4 days in the school holidays.
My mum takes dd on holiday, takes time off work to look after her.

Oh DH is an only child so no comparison there. My parents see DNs the same amount, about once a month all of my side meet up, more often when there are bank holidays etc

My parents are very interested in DS. They see him all the time, play with him and look after him. My MIL is much better than she was after a big row. SIL is the favoured child and in turn she favoured her DS over mine. I told MIL in no uncertain terms if she couldnt treat them the same she simply wouldnt see DS.

It has worked well and she makes much more of an effort. Was hard work to begin with though.

My parents are interested and come to visit a lot. Dps, not so much. Really doesn't bother me, I don't feel like my kids are missing out on anything. I'm not sure why you would be bothered if she is a horrible as you describe. I find it strange when people want their children to have relationships with people they consider to be toxic.