Is my neighbour hinting at something? Smoking.

[ClareDanesDress]

My partner smokes. I don’t like it but it’s his choice. He smokes in his office at home and outside in the garden. Our neighbour has commented a couple of times that she has “heard him coughing.” It’s suddenly struck me, after a couple of odd things like her refusing to take a parcel in, and complaining about teeny things, that actually she’s pissed about the smoking but won’t say it.

AIBU?

As an ex smoker is never just five minutes though is it. It’s 5 minutes several times a day every single day of the year. A bbq is a few days a year, a car may be a need but a fag is a want nobody needs to smoke.

When I was a smoker I honestly didn’t realise just how much time I spent smoking and just how much I stank and how much time other people spent waiting for me to just have a quick fag before we go.

Bane of my life now waiting for dh to have his quick fag then him stinking for ages after and filling the space around him with the stench as he walks into rooms.

Sure it may be legal but don’t think you are not affected those around you.

I think that given that the houses are detached and the DP is smoking about 30ft away from the neighbours windows any smoke drifting over to next door is going to be negligible. I don’t smoke but it’s not illegal and if other people want to smoke on their own property then I wouldn’t complain about it.

fag is a want nobody needs to smoke.

Oh so nicotine isn't addictive then? My mistake

What made you smoke in the first place? You didn’t need the first one. You didn’t need the next five. The next 100. You actively made the decision to smoke nobody forced you and there are so many products to quit with these days that are nicotine replacements to feed the additive part lighting up is still a choice not a need.

Oh you know @Sparklfairy just give it up, even if you don't want too! I mean it upsets others and even if you smoked when you met a partner they have the right to DEMAND you don't smoke anymore. It's not up to you to decide when you want to stop.

Your neighbours also, you really need to ensure that your personal choice in your home or garden fits in with them.

Make sure your grass is not longer than 3mm or that may also upset them, don't cook smelly food, don't BBQ, don't drink outside and chink glasses, don't talk above a whisper and you should be ok.

I have never smoked but I would never tell anyone what to do in their own home (within reason and being legal)

TheCatDidSay how is that any of your business?

boobirdblue

@TheCatDidSay how condescending and simplistic you sound....... people have addictions for all sorts of reasons.

Oh why even start ....., probably because she was 15 and peer pressure, thought it made her look grown up at the time.

Ridiculous comment.

The world has 1000s if smokers you know, it's not uncommon!

I know it was so hard to give up I only commented back to that poster because she did to me. I couldn't give a crap is she wants to smoke as her smoke isn’t affecting me but claiming you have to smoke because of addiction to nicotine when there are so many replacements is a lame excuse. Own your choice to smoke don’t hide behind bullshit excuses.

@Idontwanttotalk my children rarely frequent the garden now due to the smoke, so no, they are not the ones causing the problems. Over the weekend the neighbours have moved their tables and chairs directly at the side of our fence, where our seating area is.
They have a small football pitch size garden, whereas ours is smaller and we're limited as to where we can place our seating. So safe to say, the kids were upset this weekend that the smell has got worse and totally vetoed a bbq because of it.

The neighbours are bat shit crazy and have no right to ask him to modify his behaviour, it's legal, it's allowed he is in his garden and his home. If he were in their garden or their home fair enough.

*boobirdblue, OP has never suggested they have asked him to modify his behaviour. Not sure how that makes them crazy.

Surely few people actively want to piss off their neighbours if it's avoidable? Contrary to the way you keep misrepresenting what people are saying, how could it hurt for OP to suggest that her partner simply smoke further away from the house, for instance? If OP doesn't smoke, it would presumably benefit her as well.

My ndn smokes in the garden,very annoying when the wind is coming from that direction! I haven't said anything because she tends to walk down away from the house

@Isatis I was working on the assumption that that's why the neighbour was being "off".

Yes OP can ask she didn't say she couldn't ask and she had asked but he says (quite rightly) not until he's ready. OP has stated that it's their house and he only smokes in the loft, she seems happy with that.

I would consider reasonable requests from a neighbour but I would not be dictated to no. If the neighbours are being PA as OP suggests then I wouldn't make any effort at all.

There's a few pubs new me who have now implemented smoking and non smoking outside seating areas. If a non smoker complained that they could still smell cigarettes because the wind was blowing in the wrong direction they would look utterly batshit. What's the difference?

Yes OP can ask she didn't say she couldn't ask and she had asked but he says (quite rightly) not until he's ready.

No, he's said he isn't going to cut down or stop smoking till he's ready. It's not clear whether they've discussed him smoking further away from the house.

Given that OP says "I wish she would say something directly to him! He’s completely desensitised to how revolting it is" I'm going to hazard a guess that she's not happy with her partner smoking, as you suggest. It's quite revealing that he won't moderate his behaviour even for his partner.

What does it reveal? That he’s addicted? And identifies himself as a “smoker and a rebel”? My moaning won’t change that. If it did, no one would struggle to give up. Addiction is complex, it serves a purpose at some level. I think his is his last vestiges of his past maverick life, as he sees it.

I don't know how long your garden is, Clare, but could he not go down to the bottom of the garden to smoke?

The little bit of smoke from a cigarette wafting over a fence is not going to harm anyone but I accept that some people can't bear the smell of it,. However if he found a place in the garden - or even the shed - which is far enough away from other people, they'd have nothing to moan about.

(FTR, I gave up smoking in August 2008 and stopped coughing shortly afterwards! No-one ever complained to me about my smoking. It was remarkably easy to give up, I'd spent years wanting to and thought it would be too traumatic. I couldn't go to sleep at night without knowing I had a cigarette for the morning. Once I put my mind to giving up, there was no problem and I'm glad.)