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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my neighbour hinting at something? Smoking.

116 replies

ClareDanesDress · 03/06/2019 11:39

My partner smokes. I don’t like it but it’s his choice. He smokes in his office at home and outside in the garden. Our neighbour has commented a couple of times that she has “heard him coughing.” It’s suddenly struck me, after a couple of odd things like her refusing to take a parcel in, and complaining about teeny things, that actually she’s pissed about the smoking but won’t say it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Excited101 · 03/06/2019 13:06

My upstairs neighbour (block of flats) smokes out their window and it comes down and straight in through mine, it’s disgusting. Tbf though, I didn’t go the passive aggressive route, some people really struggle with that level of confrontation. Smoke is disgusting, if he can’t possibly not, then he need to walk up the road where it’s not going into people houses.

Isatis · 03/06/2019 13:06

Siplekindoflife my DP does have a massive cough of a morning. Maybe it’s that more than the smoke?

Could well be. The sound of a phlegmy smoker's cough can be utterly disgusting. How do you put up with it?

Can he just smoke further down the garden? If you're used to the smell of his smoke, you'd be surprised how far and how quickly the smell travels.

motherofcats81 · 03/06/2019 13:07

I don't smoke anymore but he does have the right to smoke in his own house/garden. People aren't happy about neighbors smoking inside, but people aren't happy about people doing it outside either.

My neighbours are an elderly couple who smoke heavily and I don't like it particularly as sometimes I can smell it outside my front door, (we're in a terrace) but good lord it is their home, and we all have to put up with things from our neighbours when we live in such close proximity. Even those having a go here will do things that annoy... unless he's doing it right under her window which it doesn't sound like he is, it sounds like she is just complaining about everything (and it could be the loud coughing she doesn't like).

Isatis · 03/06/2019 13:07

He's smoking outside, where it's still allowed, tell her to wind her neck in

Could you explain precisely how that will help OP's relationship with her neighbour, Pinotjo?

Cornettoninja · 03/06/2019 13:09

Tbh given the other issues you mentioned I’d be inclined to ignore her. She sounds like short of living next to no one she’s going to be annoyed by something/anything.

Cigarette smoke isn’t nice but if it’s outside then it will dissipate fairly quickly. There’s loads of smells in life that aren’t pleasant and you just have to get on with it. I don’t like other people’s bbqs or when they’ve covered nearby fields with manure but they are both my problem. It’s not up to the rest of the world to pander to my tastes.

SavingSpaces2019 · 03/06/2019 13:13

What about your right not to have your lungs damaged by his selfishness?
What about the rights of others to not have our lungs/health damaged by the fumes off your cars?
People are inhaling more second hand smoke/fumes on a daily basis from cars, factories etc.....that's before we even get started on the damage to our health and environment from using deodrants, cleaning products etc....and let's not forget the crap they put into processing our food that we don't have much choice in buying........
what a shame you're more bothered about a person smoking on/in their own home..............

SavingSpaces2019 · 03/06/2019 13:15

Anyway - the neighbours attitude stinks more than the occasional bit of fag smoke that wafts 30 feet across the air.....

Wittsendargh · 03/06/2019 13:16

My neighbour complains about EVERYTHING. They both smoke, as do the kids, so I've decided that as they complain constantly, it's time I said something back, and the smoking issue will be it. My kids hate it, I can't have the back door open or their bedroom windows. It really is a pain. But, they are perfectly in their rights to smoke on their own property. I'm just going to complain as they always find something to complain about to me!

Pinotjo · 03/06/2019 13:21

Isatis it wont help, just like her ndn pa comments dont help. If the fella wants a cig in his own back garden hes perfectly allowed, it's still legal

TheCatDidSay · 03/06/2019 13:22

It might genuinely be the cough. My dh has a horrible smokers cough that I know the neighbours can hear as a friend used to live next door and mentioned it. He stops smoking a few hours before bed and now doesn’t get the horrible first am cough. He still stinks though 🤢

jennymanara · 03/06/2019 13:24

Yes they might be worried he has lung cancer and are trying to gently bring up the cough to get him to go to the Drs.

IABUQueen · 03/06/2019 13:25

Just ask her politely : “ I was wondering the other day, is his smoking bothering you? Is the smell reaching your house ?”

Then she should be more direct about it else its on her

boobirdblue · 03/06/2019 13:25

*He's smoking outside, where it's still allowed, tell her to wind her neck in

Could you explain precisely how that will help OP's relationship with her neighbour, Pinotjo?*

Because she might realise that OP is in the right and stop complaining?

Some people just want to moan and when people start trying to appease them then they find more and more.

Personally I detest smoking but also understand I can dictate to others who smoke at home or in their garden.

I'm with OP that no one can dictate to her OP to stop.

Idontwanttotalk · 03/06/2019 13:25

You may be right but just because responses on here say they think this is the case, it doesn't mean it is about your DH smoking. They could just be peed off about taking in parcels and about the other issue you mentioned that they are dragging their feet over. Maybe they just don't like you trying to hurry them up over that?

I find cigarette smoke really gets to my chest if indoors but have no objection to people smoking in their gardens. After all it's far more diluted by the air than if in s room. Your DH has every right to smoke even though it is a disgusting habit Grin in the garden. I would just ask him to make sure he does it as far away from neighbours' homes as he can anyway.

If they have a problem with you and can't be bothered to tell you then that is their problem but you could be adding 2 & 2 together and making 5.

gamerchick · 03/06/2019 13:27

OP just tell him to smoke weed instead then you'll get all the answers about telling next door to do one. Coz people are weird on here and surprisingly pro weed but a whisp of a cig sends them into a tizz Wink

FizzyGreenWater · 03/06/2019 13:33

I would simply focus on the horrible smoking habit tbh.

Your house must stink, sorry but even smoking up in the loft - it will be all through your house. No, you won't be able to smell it so much - you'll be desensitised to it plus you will also smell a bit - clothes, towels, everything will be a bit permeated with fag.

As for neighbour, yep she probably hates a lovely sunny day in the garden intermittently being ruined by the whole place suddenly stinking of fags.

Tell him you're no longer happy with living around it and risking your own health too.

if he has an every morning cough, surely you are worried about that too? He's literally giving himself cancer.

Isatis · 03/06/2019 13:36

Because she might realise that OP is in the right and stop complaining

OP is probably legally in the right, but that's hardly the point, is it? The neighbour is equally legally in the right in refusing to take in parcels etc. There are lots of things we can do that will piss people off that are legally fine but which, in the interests of good relations, we avoid doing. OP can certainly decide to do eff all about her partner's smoke and his horrible smoker's cough, but, that being the case, the likely result is going to be a continuing bad relationship with the neighbours. Ultimately she needs to weigh up her priorities.

QueenOfTheEighthKingdom · 03/06/2019 13:41

So a cigarette smoked from next door in the open air makes washing drying on the line smell of smoke?

ReallyHmm.

Idontwanttotalk · 03/06/2019 13:41

WittsendArgh

"My neighbour complains about EVERYTHING. They both smoke, as do the kids, so I've decided that as they complain constantly, it's time I said something back, and the smoking issue will be it. My kids hate it, I can't have the back door open or their bedroom windows. It really is a pain. But, they are perfectly in their rights to smoke on their own property. I'm just going to complain as they always find something to complain about to me!"
I hope you seriously consider whether you are causing them lots of genuine problems first. Many parents do seem to be used to the noise and nuicance that DC can cause.

If they are just habitual moaners why don't you just say 'Don't you ever get fed up of complaining' next time they moan.
Can you ask if they could smoke in a different part of their garden or try to at least come up with a solution which is an improvement on the status quo, even if it's not a total solution?

boobirdblue · 03/06/2019 13:42

OP is probably legally in the right, but that's hardly the point, is it? The neighbour is equally legally in the right in refusing to take in parcels etc. There are lots of things we can do that will piss people off that are legally fine but which, in the interests of good relations, we avoid doing. OP can certainly decide to do eff all about her partner's smoke and his horrible smoker's cough, but, that being the case, the likely result is going to be a continuing bad relationship with the neighbours. Ultimately she needs to weigh up her priorities.

OP can't do anything about her partners smoking, she's his wife not his keeper. OP didn't appear to be complaining about the parcel not being taken in, it was an observation. I certainly would not expect my partner to prioritise my NDN over me. You're clearly a smoker hater, as am I but I'm rationale enough to know they're not doing anything illegal. Irritating maybe, annoying maybe but you can't stop them.

Neighbour maybe could've tried a friendly but direct approach and asked him to move to the bottom of the garden but the PA approach won't work.

Mendips · 03/06/2019 13:44

If someone was smoking in the garden next door and it was drifting into my garden I would be annoyed. To be honest though she sounds as if she is showing concern

BearRabbitPants · 03/06/2019 13:46

Smoking indoors though Confused literally soooo old school didn't know anyone does that anymore? Practically unheard of!

Hate smoking but I don't think your neighbour has a leg to stand on being arsey about the smoke fumes as you're husband is free to do as he wishes on your own premises, no matter how vile smoking & the smell of it is.

Smokers are typically very selfish with their habits though and will 'spark up' and blow smoke wherever they please so perhaps said neighbour is fed up of not being able to enjoy her garden due to the stench of cigarette smoke but knows she can not broach the subject... hmm tricky one OP

herculepoirot2 · 03/06/2019 13:47

You have literally invented this whole scenario of them being annoyed with you because he smokes. Yes, I would be annoyed because I hate the smell, but they haven’t said they are annoyed. It might be anything or nothing.

mouldyhousemouldylife · 03/06/2019 13:49

I'd also hate this. And now that I have my window open at night in the warmer weather the smell from my neighbour smoking weed a couple of feet away wafts in. Gross. Fag smoke is even worse.

mouldyhousemouldylife · 03/06/2019 13:51

@QueenOfTheEighthKingdom it happens! Smoking permeates everything and if the smoke is constantly drifting nearby the washing of course it can then smell of smoke.