Is my neighbour hinting at something? Smoking.

[ClareDanesDress]

My partner smokes. I don’t like it but it’s his choice. He smokes in his office at home and outside in the garden. Our neighbour has commented a couple of times that she has “heard him coughing.” It’s suddenly struck me, after a couple of odd things like her refusing to take a parcel in, and complaining about teeny things, that actually she’s pissed about the smoking but won’t say it.

AIBU?

If she doesn't like the smoking I think it's childish of her to be generally passive aggressive through other means, rather than addressing the issue.

However, I wouldn't be surprised if the smoke smell annoys her. The past 3 places we've lived there have been smokers living nearby and it really is foul. At our current place, there's a near chain smoker downstairs which makes it difficult to enjoy our balcony or have our living room or guest bed windows open.

JessieTalamasca I would ordinarily, but something happened that really they should get fixed (don’t want to out myself here) and they’re dragging their feet about it and we got a really chippy reply when we asked about it, and I thought “gosh what’s eating them?” and then suddenly thought it might be that they’re pissed off about something totally unrelated.

I'd be pissed off too, I hate it when one of the neighbour smokes as it absolutely stinks.

My neighbours smoke and wake me up every morning at 6am by going out for their morning cigarette and a good old hacking cough up! Seriously, it's gross.

The smoke wafts over too and straight up into our bedroom window. But it's the hacking wheezing cough that drives me insane!! (not envy!)

Maybe if he’s smoking when’s she got the washing out, or it’s drifting into their open windows tell him to use his common sense and smoke elsewhere.
But generally I can’t be arsed with passive aggressive comments that you need to second guess the meaning of, if she can’t say what the problem is and work with you to resolve, then ignore her.

So is the consensus then that she IS being off and it’s about DPs smoking? I wish she would say something directly to him! He’s completely desensitised to how revolting it is.

Well if it is the smoking and your DP refuses to stop smoking then there's nothing you can do. There's no point thinking about it. You'll just have to try to navigate the other issues as best you can.

I think there are two issues here - your DP smoking being an unhealthy and antisocial but legal thing for him to do, and your neighbour disliking you. If she's complaining or being passive aggressive about lots of things, it sounds like she's potentially just the type to find fault. Maybe it was the smoking that aggravated her initially, maybe not. But ultimately she either raises any issues with you like an adult and you decide whether she has a valid grievance and do something about it, or she carries on being petty and PA and you ignore her.

Siplekindoflife my DP does have a massive cough of a morning. Maybe it’s that more than the smoke?

Perhaps she’s worried him persistently coughing could be a sign of lung cancer and is worried about his health?

Clare, if it's something they need to get fixed and doesn't involve you, please learn to leave them to it. His health is his business. Honestly, just detach and disengage.

You’re 30 ft away and they’re bothered. Are you sure it’s about this.

My neighbour has now put out their summer garden stuff for the kids. screaming and shouting playing from 8am to 9pm weekends and all through the hols. Daily bbqs and smoke billowing (I just bring my washing in as it stinks of sausage/burger and plastic) .

I go smoke in the back garden and dare them to say anything..

You’re neighbour sounds like they don’t like you so will pick up on anything ( If they are 30 ft away).

I’d not read too much into it and wait for them to say outright what the issue is.

She's not worried about his health, she's PA and chippy about this and other things.

It's her right to be able to enjoy her garden with our having to breathe in someone else's disgusting poison.

Fucking hate the smell of smoke. It's absolutely vile. He should stick to smoking inside where no one else can smell it.

I have a neighbour that is an extremely heavy smoker (think yellow fingers and fringe etc). She only smokes in her house but when her back or front door is open the smell of nicotine is overpowering and very unpleasant. But she is a lovely old duck (if a little over invested in our daily life) who adores the kids and is always willing to help in any emergency. I don't moan and put up with it.
However, if she were smoking outside I might feel differently as I've been in this situation before and had smoke drifting up into the bedroom windows, and nice as she is, I don't want to be lying in bed and breathing her second hand smoke. Perhaps this is what is bothering your neighbour?

Relightmyfirepit I seriously doubt that somehow, given the other completely unrelated stuff.

He's smoking outside, where it's still allowed, tell her to wind her neck in

My neighbour chain smokes, and I can just about live with it over winter, but I silently despise them over summer. I can't enjoy sitting outside, we can't have windows open. It wafts all through the house and the smell makes me feel sick. He also has an awful smokers cough that I hear day and night. I have to seethe silently and be friendly because sadly I know they have every right to smoke in their garden by law, but it IS selfish. If they smoked on the front it wouldn't come in through our windows.

My neighbour smokes weed,it is terrible, i can smell it a soon as i walk into my garden, also right next to my cat run, which is hardly used, but he smokes it just next to the fence between us, not even attached to my house,and high hedge between,
The couple have 2 small children so i expect that is why he smokes outside,the trouble is he often has friends round, so its worse with them all smoking it
Cigarette smoke wouldn;t bother me, although i dont smoke

I think the smell can travel through walls if I’m being honest. My NDN’s must smoke because I can smell the faintest smell of fresh cigarette smoke near my living room wall and nobody in my home has ever smoked. I can’t smell it anywhere else so I’m assuming they sit in that room smoking...

@Pinkvoid this happens in my house too. We have adjoining shelved alcoves and although we can't hear much through unless it's really loud, if they open their front door or windows on a windy day it blows straight through the tiny cracks and really stinks. Stale smoke and dog.

They're great neighbours though so I don't care. I'll just buy some silicone sealant one day.

Talk to her. And check where in the garden he smokes. Maybe he stands propped against the wall next to the fence, so his smoke goes in through her open window? If so, he could stand away from her house. Or he smokes next to his open window and it goes into her kid's room? If so, tell him to shut his window. You have no idea how thoroughly annoying other people's smoke can be.

Having good vibes with your neighbours is worth a little consideration don't you thinK?

Maybe it's the smoke, maybe it's the coughing. As for the parcels we have taken them in for various neighbours as have neighbours for us. We've taken a few things in for a neighbour down the road and had to go and take them to them as they seem to think that as we've taken in a parcel for them we are also the replacement courier.
The most recent was when I arrived home to a huge box in the middle of the lounge which my husband had taken in for said neighbour. When he got home from work several hours later it was still there. I sent him across to tell them it was at our house but as it was so huge told him to to tell them to come and get it themselves rather than taking it. When he arrived he was told they had seen the note but were "just eating dinner and would collect it later". They did so but needless to say I've told my husband under no circumstances to accept parcels for that address ever again as we are not a parcel delivery office. I might add that that particular neighbour has NEVER taken in a parcel for us. We now continue to take in parcels for considerate neighbours and they for us but as for the inconsiderate one they can drive to the sorting office in their own time. I suspect that they have done the same to other neighbours and that is why the poor delivery drivers are trying doors further and further down the road. Hopefully they'll get the message.
On the smoking front, I've never smoked and I can smell it a mile away so maybe your neighbour is the same.

I wouldn't talk to her or compromise with her because you've said she's PA and chippy about other things, and with people like this, if you give them an inch, they will take a mile.

Chester the properties are detached.

He isn't doing that thing where you cough and spit out a lump of phlegm, is he? That would annoy me more than smoking.

How loud is the massive cough and what time? If it's outside, could he be waking her up?