Is my neighbour hinting at something? Smoking.

[ClareDanesDress]

My partner smokes. I don’t like it but it’s his choice. He smokes in his office at home and outside in the garden. Our neighbour has commented a couple of times that she has “heard him coughing.” It’s suddenly struck me, after a couple of odd things like her refusing to take a parcel in, and complaining about teeny things, that actually she’s pissed about the smoking but won’t say it.

AIBU?

Smokers are vilified at every turn. Moans if outside, moans if inside.
we should go back to how we used to be and give the anti smokers something to complain about.
I often wonder what would happen if all the smokers decided to ignore the ban, there surely aren't enough enforcers to stop everyone.

Why do people leave windows open anyway, do they not get bugs, moths, bees, and wasps in their rooms.

RomanyQueen

Is this a joke? I’d rather have moths and bees than stale, smelly air. I’m not virulently anti-smoking but I don’t want to breathe others’ second hand or first hand smoke. That’s not vilifying anyone.

Your DH is allowed to smoke in his own house, smoking outside is allowed to, her washing smell's of cigarette smoke? Pull the other one, occasionally my washing has be hit by bird poo, who do i complain to? Tell her to take a run and jump.

If they can smell the smoke, their lungs are being damaged by it. That's second-hand smoke. And if they don't like smelling his smoke, do you really welcome them saying so directly? Apparently not. You seem put off by their slightest hints that the smoke might be bothersome to them. If he's smoking outdoors, that's bothersome. Maybe he can keep the window closed in his study, too.

I suspect it could be the cough. If he is going outside for first or last cigarette and coughing his lungs up, he could be disturbing them. Both my neighbor's smoke. One I have no issue with, they go down the end of the garden, away from the windows. On the other side she stands right outside her back door which isn't far from my washing. In her case the neighbor's upstairs have complained as it is above their child's bedroom

This annoys me. Why is everyone else allowed bbqs, parties, kids playing/squealing/crying, power tools, all interrupting the enjoyment of my garden but I get moaned at for having a cigarette that lasts no longer than 5 minutes?

Your neighbours sound annoying to be honest. Don’t pay attention to it, unless they stop being so passive aggressive and actually speak to you about it.

^my DP does have a massive cough of a morning. Maybe it’s that more
than the smoke?^

Now I think that you just want your DH to stop smoking and are using the neighbour as an additional reason.

Sparklfairy

Because it smells horrible and is a health risk?

I can't control where the wind blows and it's dissipated substantially by the time it reaches any neighbouring houses (detached). We all have to live alongside each other and try and coexist peacefully, I just don't understand why smoking is somehow worse than all of my above annoyances (and I forgot to include dogs barking in that!) combined.

Sparklfairy

And people can’t help that it bothers them. You choose to do it - you can’t expect others to magically not mind.

There's a difference between 'minding' and treating me like I've committed some hideous crime!

As a PP said, smokers are vilified, even in their own gardens, while everyone else seems to think they're entitled to do exactly as they please (however annoying) in theirs. It's a double standard, plain and simple.

Sparklfairy

I certainly don’t treat anyone like that. I just wish they would be more considerate.

As do I with above list. And I'm sure I'm not alone.

Your neighbours sound like real pains. I've never heard of such a thing before, they should mind their own business.

Sparklfairy

I’m not saying otherwise. You are entitled to be annoyed if people do annoying things, and so am I.

Let your neighbour hint away. She's taken against you for something. If it is for the smoking, it''s outside of your control.

I must have incredibly insensitive nostrils. My neighbours have a son who comes home for the weekends and who sits outside smoking.

I rarely smell it (we're semis and they are my attached side) but have been round there while he's having a fag in the garden and have seen him smoking.

My washing has never smelled of fag smoke. Never. I can't understand how cigarette smoke could impregnate washing blowing around on the clothes line?!

It doesn't bother me one bit. Sitting in a tailback with petrol/diesal fumes - that DOES bother me.

The occasional drift of fag smoke won't harm me.

So glad we don't have close neighbours that BBQ. That would piss me right off.

Anyway, like I said, stop second guessing the neighbour's problem. It's probably to do with the issue you have raised with them and everything else is just an excuse to snark.

People who struggle to live with other people's habits really should consider moving to a cave. In the outer Hebrides. Honestly, with all the traffic and noise pollution, moaning about someone smoking outside, 30ft from your property is just nonsense.

I wouldn't give any ground to busybody neighbours, whether you approve of DH's habit or not.

I mean make sure you're doing what is needed to be neighbourly, but don't start telling your spouse they can't smoke outside for their sake. If you give such people an inch they will see it as weakness, there is no end to the miles that follow.

OP can't do anything about her partners smoking, she's his wife not his keeper. OP didn't appear to be complaining about the parcel not being taken in, it was an observation. I certainly would not expect my partner to prioritise my NDN over me. You're clearly a smoker hater, as am I but I'm rationale enough to know they're not doing anything illegal. Irritating maybe, annoying maybe but you can't stop them.

@boobirdblue, this is in response to a post that starts off with the premise that what OP's partner is doing is not illegal. It is therefore richly ironic that you claim to be "rationale" whilst not bothering to read the post you're replying to.

It also says quite a lot about a relationship if someone feels unable to ask a partner to modify behaviour that is unnecessarily pissing off the neighbours. It's not a matter of prioritising the neighbour, it's a matter of accommodating both of them. Why would any reasonable partner object to that, particularly given that this one claims to accept that he needs to cut down anyway?

The standard "look over there" argument by reference to traffic fumes is simply not sustainable. Just because there exists another, different form of pollution, why should that be a valid reason for adding to it? How many of us would be relaxed about, say, letting our children drop litter just because there is other litter in the relevant area already?

It also says quite a lot about a relationship if someone feels unable to ask a partner to modify behaviour that is unnecessarily pissing off the neighbours. It's not a matter of prioritising the neighbour, it's a matter of accommodating both of them. Why would any reasonable partner object to that, particularly given that this one claims to accept that he needs to cut down anyway?

The neighbours are bat shit crazy and have no right to ask him to modify his behaviour, it's legal, it's allowed he is in his garden and his home. If he were in their garden or their home fair enough.

Her OH smoked when they got together and he's not at a stage that he wants to cut down. Every smoker I know wants to cut down but isn't at that stage to commit. That's their call.

I'm not sure you can feel he's unreasonable.

How many of us would be relaxed about, say, letting our children drop litter just because there is other litter in the relevant area already?

Dropping litter is illegal and punishable by a fine. Smoking in your own home and garden isn't.

I presume you'd not let your child commit a crime?

My NDN used to smoke in his garden - all it took was me faking a cough in my garden and saying loudly to DH that the smoking is affecting my fake Asthma for him to now do it while walking the dog. I don’t feel the least bit guilty about it lol