To want a 3rd when my husband doesn't?

[crystabel]

Hi All, Sorry if this has been raised a lot before. I'm nearly 41 and am blessed with 2 beautiful kids that I am so grateful for. Try as I might I cannot help but want another child, I don't want to be greedy but I just don't feel I'm done. Of course I don't know if I could even get pregnant now but the real issue is that my husband does not want another. In principal he says he would have another but he worries about money and my health as I have a bad back and suffer from hyperemesis when pg. I love my husband and would never push him if he really doesn't want to try for a baby but I just don't know what to do about these feelings. What he says is totally fair and practical but my hormones don't care about that. Has anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice of how to move on from this or maybe you did end up having another... how did you turn things around if so? I'd be so grateful for any advice thx....

I dont think you can turn him around. Maybe he will change his mind and maybe he wont, but you cant force him to have another child.

I've been in a similar situation for the last 2 years. There have been many hours of conversation about the what ifs, money, time etc. But the truth of it was that feeling just never went away, my husband realised that and we decided to give it a go. It took me 5 months to get pregnant and in that time I had one early loss. I am now 12 weeks+ at 40, will be 41 by the time I give birth. Through all our scenario planning we didn't foresee the events of our dating scan last week...I'm expecting identical twins! Husband actually took that better than I did at first he said you get what you get and this is the plan for us! Best of luck whatever you decide xxxx

I have to admit I don't have an overwhelming urge of broodiness, but if DH was for it I could probably go for a 3rd. But he is dead against for various fair reasons. It's perhaps a bit simple but at the end of the day you can't make someone have a child they don't want, so you either leave, or make your peace with it for the sake of your relationship.

You also need to think what is in the best interests of your children, unless they are very young, a child will be hugely disruptive to them and is going to divide your income and attention for them further.

Lastly of course, I don't need to tell you that 41 is not a good age to have a child. You only need to read the thread recently by the 41 year old who was broody and the responses to the risks were frankly terrifying, it's worth finding and reading, can't remember what it's called sorry!

It's biology, you're designed to feel this way, I wonder if it's built in us to freak out as our fertility is about to drastically decline? But you can override it.

My worries, apart from the hyperemesis and back problems, would be the higher chances of multiples or complications with your health or that of your baby. Could you cope with 2 babies, or a baby with health problems?

Lots of threads on this, MNetters advice is often that the wishes of the person who doesn’t want another DC take precedence.

Lots of us have fewer DC than we might have chosen, for various reasons.

Miscarriage, health and genetic risks all higher given your (and your H’s) agr@e.

Your OHs feelings trumps yours on this one.

I agree with your DH here.

I think you have to respect your DH's wishes on this one, and focus on being grateful for the lovely children that you do have.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like it would be in the best interests of your existing children to have another one. It also isn't good from an environmental perspective.

That said, I do understand that it's tough when you feel like you're not done. I only have one dc. Always wanted a second but I miscarried and then couldn't get pregnant again. It was hard to accept at first, but I decided that I should focus on the family that I had, rather than the one that I'd missed out on. Now, I genuinely wouldn't have it any other way.

Thirds are hard work. Ours put lots of strain on our marriage so unless your both in, I would say dont do it

Considering your health issues and complications from your last pregnancy, I cannot blame your husband for being resistant for a third baby.

Focus on your current blessings. It is the hormones talking, they will calm down in time...

Can we please drop the doom mongering about having a child at 41?
I had my ds in December at 41 and we are TTC baby number two.
My pregnancy was fine, he was delivered safely and is absolutely perfect. We are both fine, in fact I've just come back from morning circuit training.
I am tired, of course, but not exhausted.
I was under consultant care, naturally, but was grateful for extra scans. My consultant said it was actually fine to have a baby at this age and it was becoming commonplace for him to see women several years older.
It has really touched a nerve with me as, before I was pregnant, I had a Dr (female) advise me to cancel my wedding to try and get pregnant. She also told me to expect a couple of miscarriages.
OP, you and your husband must decide what's best for you, however don't let age put you off.

I agree with everyone else. YABU. If being pregnant takes such a toll on your health your husband will have to take over with childcare.

Sorry, but I think it would be selfish to have a third.

Lots of 40+ mothers and their DC are fine, but it’s not “doom mongering” to highlight the increased risks, which exist.

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Can we please drop the doom mongering about having a child at 41?

Ignoring the risks when the OP has 2 other children to think about would be incredibly naive. It's fantastic that it worked out perfectly for you, but the fact is the older you are the more likely it is for things to go wrong. Highlighting this isn't doom mongering.

The things your husband is saying is a subtle way of saying he doesn’t want anymore kids. The money etc is an excuse not to tell you and to keep raising it IS pressuring him. He doesn’t want kids so you either accept it (however hard that may be) or leave him and have a baby with someone else/IVF.

The stats of chances of things going wrong (genetic abnormalities etc) increase year on year, there isn't a 'cut off' so a 35 year old having a baby will be an increased risk than a 31 year old, or a cliff where beforehand its likely fine and afterwards it will probably all go wrong!

That doesnt mean the risks arent still tiny. For example a 10 fold increase in risk can still mean 1 in 1,000 from 1 in 10,000.

If this is a factor in your decision, the actual stats are available on the internet

@Liverbird77 I read the other day that for a woman over 40 there is a 1 in 18 chance of chromosomal defect, I wouldn't take that kind of risk with my children's health with those kinds of odds with any other health issue so I wouldn't do with an unborn child either. As a pp says if it's a first child then that's a decision for the parent, but when there are other children involved it's all the more important to make a rational decision.

I’ve just had my third, five weeks ago. I always desperately wanted a third but my husband didnt, and after he explained his reasons I understood and tried not to talk about it too much. When my youngest turned three I brought it up one night, asking if he thought we should get rid of all the baby stuff - and he said actually, he would be willing to try for a third. I was 37, and conceived that month. The pregnancy was hard, birth was fast and easy, recovery quick and straight forward. I guess the difference for us was my husband had years to think about having another and eventually changed his mind without my influence (other than knowing it was my preference). Had I been older we wouldn’t have had the third as he wouldn’t have changed his mind in time.

We have three. My husband would have happily stopped at two but realised I wanted a bigger family and was happy to go for it. However I don't feel done and want a fourth - he does not. Our baby is still fairly young so not really talking about it yet but I don't think if you want one and he doesn't there is a solution where you are both entirely happy.

If I were your H I'd be booking an appointment to have the snip asap and having no sex until it was done and all clear. YABU

I'm on the other side of this. DH really wants a 3rd. I don't.

I love the idea of another DC, as I adore my 2 boys, and looking back of photos of them as toddlers makes me nostalgic. But the reality is hard, so very hard. And if I did it all again, I know that I would lose myself in it all.

I love my DH and really want to make him happy but I just can't do this.

I hate it when he brings it up. It makes me so sad not to be able to give him what he wants. It makes me feel crap that I'm not a good enough mum to be able to take on a 3rd child.

I felt like you for eight years.
One day it just stopped, it is purely chemical and hormonal.
I can’t actually tell you how relieved I am that my dh was so fixed on the matter. I would be seriously struggling by now on every level.

I have had health problems, job Issues, teenagers are so demanding, I am bloody exhausted just keeping it altogether now. I am four years older than you, and can not imagine having a toddler to look after. You will be pushing pension age and the child will still be a teenager.

Be practical, be grateful and let the hormonal surge evaporate naturally.
Even if you became pregnant soon you would be 43 by the time the baby arrives. Your child will still in primary at 53, and only 17 when you hit sixty, and potentially your pension.

Knackering doesn’t even cover it, and that’s assuming you only have one healthy child!!! don’t do it!!!!!!

It's not just chromosomal abnormalities, it's autism, increased risk of prematurity and birth complications (that can leave the child with lifelong disabilities), other conditions that cannot be determined antenatally.

It makes me so sad not sure be able to give him what he wants. It makes me feel crap that I'm not a good enough mum to be able to take on a 3rd child.

CielBleuEtNuages - id turn that round and say you should feel proud that you’re a good enough mum to know when to stop. Parenting isn’t about quantity - you aren’t a ‘better’ parent the more kids you have