To want a 3rd when my husband doesn't?

[crystabel]

Hi All, Sorry if this has been raised a lot before. I'm nearly 41 and am blessed with 2 beautiful kids that I am so grateful for. Try as I might I cannot help but want another child, I don't want to be greedy but I just don't feel I'm done. Of course I don't know if I could even get pregnant now but the real issue is that my husband does not want another. In principal he says he would have another but he worries about money and my health as I have a bad back and suffer from hyperemesis when pg. I love my husband and would never push him if he really doesn't want to try for a baby but I just don't know what to do about these feelings. What he says is totally fair and practical but my hormones don't care about that. Has anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice of how to move on from this or maybe you did end up having another... how did you turn things around if so? I'd be so grateful for any advice thx....

Ps my good friend has been called her granny more times than I can remember, both at school by teachers and clubs, she really has never ever seen the funny side of it, and is always offended, age worries that she looks ‘too old’ and her dd has been very embarrassed in the past. If I am honest the first time I met her I too thought she was a grandparent picking up.

I don’t think it is a huge deal, but it has made her very self conscious. We have lots of much older mothers at school so it was not exactly a compliment to be the one that looks so old as to be a grandparent, at pick up given the average age of our gps hovers around the early to mid seventies mark!!

Very sensible post by Notabedofroses. I had my 2 dc young, by 32, and still the teenage years have totally floored me. Parenting does get more demanding when they are in their teens, not less. I can barely deal with A level stress when in my forties. Can't imagine doing it in my sixties. Please consider how you will manage the teen years with possibly elderly parents to look after too.

I don't think not wanting to have a third automatically trumps the desire to have one, it isn't that simple. Who will be the least unable to move on from the decision?
What a ridiculous comment to make, if someone doesn’t want a child of course their decision trumps the person who does.
It’s s child FFS. Are you seriously suggesting that in some cases a parent should knowingly take on the physical, emotional, financial responsibility of a child they do not 100% want? Of course I know this is the case in unplanned pregnancies and often in these circumstances parents embrace the surprise, but you’re talking about knowingly having a child with someone who isn’t sure they want one.

OP, it’s hard, I speak as someone who would have a third in a heartbeat. Although the difference here is I am still in my 20s and although DH isn’t dead against it he’s “more no than yes” at the moment.
I would love a third but I respect and love my husband too much to push him into something he doesn’t fully want. He knows my feelings on the matter, I know his. For now I do not raise the subject because I feel it would be as if I was trying to wear him down in to agreeing with me which simply isn’t fair.

Unfortunately in this situation you have to either make peace with your partner’s decision and focus on enjoying what you have. Or if the desire to have another child outweighs the desire to stay with your partner sadly you have to leave the relationship and find someone whose life plan matches yours more.
For me, it’s hard and I do long for a bigger family. But my DH and existing DCs mean so much more to me than that.

Sometimes the feeling never goes away. You have to weigh up on balance if its worth potentially ruining your current family dynamic. All that said, I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting a child - its just as much as valid as him not wanting another one. Good luck with whatever you decide - will you grow to resent him or will you learn to live with what you have? That's only something you can decide.

Well, according to a lot of these posts, me and dh are in for a hellish life as our baby, hopefully babies, get older.
Before I had my child, I was a teacher. If I went back to work, I would be expected to retire late 60s at the earliest. I think I would rather deal with one or two of my own children at 60 than 30 of other people's every hour on the hour.
I am sorry that there is such negativity surrounding the issue of older parents.

I don’t think reading this @Liverbird77 that people are being negative. They’re merely stating facts

To add to the multiple(s) anecdotes, a friend of a friend got pregnant at 43 (first pregnancy) with triplets and had to move back with her parents
I had mine at 37/39 and would love a third but that's totally heart over head (and finances/career). We do have two spare bedrooms I decided not to pursue it as if we had a child with a severe disability it'd change our family dynamic so much. Also my babies aren't good sleepers!

liver I certainly don't think its negativity, it is called realism.
If you have a job as a teacher, your children head home every day, and you have lots and lots of school holidays to recover. When it is your child/children the responsibility, effort and energy and love is required 247 for at least 21 years. It is not the same trust me.

The older you are, the harder it will be. You can still do it, and if you are lucky enough to have had last chance babies, I am sure you wouldn't bat an eyelid for the sheer joy that comes with much wanted child. If you are already a mother, a knackered one at that going into or half way through teen years that is going to feel very very different.

@notabedofroses I take it you aren't a teacher? Otherwise you would realise that most "holidays" are spent working.
Anyway, I strongly disagree that the older you are the harder it will be. I have much more patience now, and we are very secure financially. We can provide a great life.
Some younger people may be less healthy also. Having a child young doesn't guarantee you a long life.
My grandma was 42/3 when she had my uncle and my mum was 35 when she had me, which was considered ancient at the time. Now people wouldn't really bat an eyelid. Times are changing.
My original post was just to give some encouragement to the op. I can't help but feel my life choices are being disparaged, but I am confident enough in my decisions for it not to bother me that much.

Oh, and if you think all teachers stop worrying about the children in their care at the end of the school day, you are very wrong.
I can only compare as far as I know but, so far, parenthood has been far less stressful than teaching.
I know which I would prefer to do in my 60s, and it ain't teaching.

A word of warning here - I was in a similar position many years ago. I desperately wanted a third child and DP did not. He had a long list of reasonable and sensible reasons to stop at two DC and I had nothing but desperate hormonal urges to support my argument for a third, so eventually, when I was 36 I accepted his reasoning and he had a vasectomy.

It absolutely altered our marriage. Our sex life was ruined because every time we had sex that I knew couldn’t lead to a baby I would start crying at the point of orgasm . I mourned the baby I couldn’t have for years and it lessened my love for DH so we became distant. That might have happened anyway but the resentment I felt about the potential child he had taken from me was powerful.

Eventually, after I went through the menopause and the possibility of another child went away completely things improved and we are still together and very close emotionally if not physically. But it was a long, hard struggle to get there and even thought this was nearly 25 years ago I still cry when I think about that third child I couldn’t have.

I know several people who've had healthy children in their 40's, all the way up to 47! But, given your back problems and the likelihood of developing hyperemesis again - not to mention your DH's reservations, I wouldn't have a third.

I honestly think it's hormonal changes as you approach menopause. I'm 45 and completely soppy about babies right now, I so want to cuddle them and experience that closeness with a tiny person (my own DC are so tall and can both lift me up)! I've taken to cuddling the dog instead...he doesn't like it much.

Notabedofroses has posted very sensible and insightful comments with which I agree.

Don't let your desire to have another baby obscure the joy you already have; many would be so happy to have one child, never mind two.
You have been truly blessed.

liver How many children have you had? And are they teenagers?

Teaching may be difficult at times, but parenting is for life. You can resign any time you like from teaching remember, and get another job, you don't get to do that once you are a mother!

With teaching or childcare you get to go home at the end of the day, that is another huge difference.

as much as they might love their parents, many teens are going to hate having parents in their late 50's /early 60's. for people who have dc already having more in your early 40's and older seems self centred and not thinking about the dc, ot to mention potential problems.
the over 35's pregnancies are called geriatric for a reason, although many are healthy i think it can impact on the child as they grow up and not always in a good and positive way.

I wanted a third, DH didn't so we didn't. Got to be with total joint agreement. Hormonally hard to suppress at the time but absolutely been the right call for all members of the family

I am one of the mums who had a third baby at the age of 42 the pregnancy was perfect and he's the most amazing 7 year old now much loved by the whole family. It does seem to run in our family though - 2 of my aunts and both my grandmothers had third and fourth children in their 40s and late menopauses so possibly that has some bearing on your ability to conceive without any problems later on in life. I have heard there is something called the longevity gene and that seems to run in our family as all my grandparents lived to late 90s.

There were no birth defects amongst any of the babies born to any of the mums in their 40s in my family group so I think that encouraged me to go ahead with it to a certain extent.

I'm not tired at all to be honest but I do live a healthy lifestyle and work very part-time to fit in with school hours so have a lot of spare time to be able to look after the children. My teenagers have never been a trouble either so perhaps I'm just lucky. I think the biggest issue would be that your husband doesn't want to have another child. My husband was fully up for it and so completely supported me throughout the pregnancy birth and was an amazing hands-on Dad I think we were a lot more relaxed with this the child actually because we'd done it twice before.

I know it's hard OP but as you already have 2 children your DH wish not to have any more must take priority. There's no point having a 3rd child and no marriage.

I think hormones kick in when the family is complete. When ours was complete, we both agreed it was, I was the broodiest I've ever been and very tearful. Lasted a year. It was right to ignore the hormones.

If you have a job as a teacher, your children head home every day, and you have lots and lots of school holidays to recover.

Not sure the teachers I know would agree with you there. A lot of the so called "holidays" are spent prepping for the next term.

ellie of course because it takes 6-9 weeks to prep for a new term

Your son is only seven, you haven’t even hit 50 yet. You still have a long way to go - a good fourteen years at least. It’s great that has been so effortless for you, with lots of dh support, but op isn’t in that position at all is she? Menstruator

I had my first at 38 and my second at 41. Both are healthy and happy. I didn't meet my partner until I was 34 and we weren't in a position of financial stability to have kids until I was 37 (not to mention the small matter of getting to know each other well enough to understand if we were actually going to, you know, rub along OK for the rest of our lives). I'll be 60 when DD2 is 19. Lucky for those of you that got to pick when you had kids because you met your partner early enough and got pregnant easily enough, but for some of us it's not that simple. It's not selfish to want to be a Mum in your 40s or to crave another child.

stepawayfromgoogle here's a lovely article for you about the benefits for the child of having older parents:

www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwiyu-LQ383iAhVEdhoKHQwwAsgQzPwBegQIARAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Fentry%2Folder-mothers-children-benefit_n_58d2bc75e4b0b22b0d191eec&psig=AOvVaw1H5U_X1gdMsulh_vRXsQc9&ust=1559666235548857

"It’s not the first study to point to real advantages of having children later in life. A2012 study published in the British Medical Journalfound that older mothers had healthier children, and other research has shown that older mothers tend to enjoyimproved well-beingduring pregnancy and immediately after giving birth. Another recent study determined that children of older mothersshow increased intelligence and cognitive ability."

www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwiyu-LQ383iAhVEdhoKHQwwAsgQzPwBegQIARAC&url=http%3A%2F%2Ftime.com%2F4709403%2Folder-mother-benefits%2F&psig=AOvVaw1H5U_X1gdMsulh_vRXsQc9&ust=1559666235548857