To want a 3rd when my husband doesn't?

[crystabel]

Hi All, Sorry if this has been raised a lot before. I'm nearly 41 and am blessed with 2 beautiful kids that I am so grateful for. Try as I might I cannot help but want another child, I don't want to be greedy but I just don't feel I'm done. Of course I don't know if I could even get pregnant now but the real issue is that my husband does not want another. In principal he says he would have another but he worries about money and my health as I have a bad back and suffer from hyperemesis when pg. I love my husband and would never push him if he really doesn't want to try for a baby but I just don't know what to do about these feelings. What he says is totally fair and practical but my hormones don't care about that. Has anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice of how to move on from this or maybe you did end up having another... how did you turn things around if so? I'd be so grateful for any advice thx....

@StepAwayFromGoogle but that is not in anyway related to the op or most of the replies is it? She didn't meet her partner late in life, she's met him and had kids, many of us have said it would be different if it was someone starting their family now, but she has the children to think about when weighing up all the risks. You didn't.

@notabedofroses firstly, you're right; it doesn't take 6-9 weeks to prep for a new term. Well, unless you are setting up a new a level course from scratch when, yes, it took most of the summer, working every day. Believe it or not but it's true. There are also revision sessions, coursework marking, residential trips etc. Your attitude towards teachers is really, really unreasonable.
Anyway, I don't want to derail the thread.
To answer your question, as I've previously stated, I just have one child and I am hoping for a second.
I am finding many of the comments on here very nasty and potentially hurtful.
Why must we assume that teenagers will "not like having older parents"? Where is the evidence for that? My mum was older than most other mums when I was at school, but I love her and was no way embarrassed by that. She is amazing.
In addition, just as a point of comparison, my best friend had her kids at 22 and 27. The second one was an " accident ". She has done a great job, however she split from her partner shortly after number 2 came along. He hasn't paid child support. She has struggled financially and has to rent, not through choice. Furthermore, she has no one to coparent with and has had all the challenges faced by a single parent. I am not saying this critically, because I have the up most admiration for her. I just feel it is so unfair to make these horrible comments about older mums. Other groups don't seem to come under fire at all.
My child(ren) will grow up, and inherit, a lovely house. They will have two doting, married, parents who love each other very much. They will know they were planned and wanted. They will be given the very best education and full support to set up their careers. We are fit and active and will strive to give them healthy lives. We will take them to activities and welcome their friends into our home. We will tell them they will always have a roof over their heads. We will be their friends and their parents.
If we live to 80, they will be grown up with lives of their own when we die. As I've said before, long life isn't a given though...for anyone. Someone I was at school with had three children before 35 and very sadly died of cancer a few years ago. We will have life insurance to ensure they would be fine.
We have a strong and close family in two countries who will always be there.
As I have said in a previous post, a private blood test screens for many, many abnormalities, complemented by scans.
Now, the op must consider her particular situation, health and family obviously, but there is no need for the sheer nastiness of some of these comments.

Liverbird77 absolutely agree.

@Liverbird77 tests don't change risk though, it just means you are informed, and may have to make a very difficult decision. As has been stated, you are just at the beginning having just started your family, I can understand why you feel defensive, but really your situation isn't comparable to the OP who has 2 children (and an unconvinced DH which is the crux of the issue anyway!!) to consider. If my only opportunity to be a mum arose in my late 30s early 40s, then yes I'd have done that if the choice was that or no family. That isn't the op's issue. Her age has to be raised here.

OP I can sympathise. I'm desperate for another, have been for years and in my 40's. I have secondary infertility so it ain't going to happen.
I too think you can't if your partner says no.
Ways I have found to 'get over' the broodiness and heartbreak:
Stay away from new born babies if at all possible!
Cuddle the child I already have or think of him every time I feel sad about it.
Think of all the things I can do with the extra money! Especially helping out first child when older.
Think of the environment (I can't believe no one has mentioned that already!)
Plan my retirement child free (although I'm banking on ds having one or two and I'll help out lots ).
Spend lots of quality time with partner to keep the bond.
Best wishes

Women used to have kids spanning decades of their reproductive years. Not saying that was great, just that the idea that only some or modern women have experience of teenage kids in 60s is untrue. My folks had kids from 20s into their mid 40s, and it’s honestly kept them young. They’re so active, busy by being around younger people (even now in their 80s). By contrast my PILs had my DH at 20. They’re now mid 60s, in full health, and behave like old miserable farts. I swear it was because their kids left home before they turned 40 and they’ve had years alone to turn old.....

@cshelp - no, you're right, it wasn't responding to the OP. But there were a lot of replies saying that it is selfish to have children in your 40s and when they're teenagers you'll be in your 60s etc. That's still true of anyone who has children that late, not just the OP, whatever the circumstances. I just don't think it's fair to make blanket comments about having kids in your 40s when loads of women end up there, and mostly not by choice.

Oh my gosh thank you so much for all your wonderful, mixed but helpful different views. You varying stories are all very interesting. Just getting into bed sorry I had no idea the response. I totally understand the view that my dh not wanting a 3rd takes precedence. I guess I believe if I really wanted to persuade him I could but know it's not right, I love our family and would never leave it but can't help the way I feel. The risks of older pregnancy also do scare me. It's very possible that those of you who have said I'm going to pass this are right. I'm petrified of knowing for sure I can no longer have any more babies. I will be 41 in August to clarify so still 40 now. Some mentioned elderly parents but I have none. I was a single child and my mum died 5 yrs ago, dad 10 yrs ago but we didn't have a relationship. My mums death was excruciating and I guess this lack of family above me makes me want to grow my own. I guess I always thought my DH wanted a 3rd so have been surprised by his reaction. My kids are 9 and 5 and my 5 year old is so adorable right now but growing fast from my baby as she ends reception. Maybe this is having an affect. If I was 30 something I could give it way more time but I guess I also worry that my dh will actually change his mind and it will be too late For now I will take all your advice and comments and go appreciate my lovely kids but still hope... until it passes maybe 😬 xxx

That is similar to the other lady who posted, her mum was ill and she felt the same.

On the subject of inheritance, as a pp mentioned, that is also something to consider as obviously would be split 3 ways not 2, and also in terms of uni costs etc, at the same time as teens you'd have the costs of childcare or missed earnings due to another child. We have just spent years building up money for a trust fund for when the two DC turn 18, unless very wealthy would not be able to do all this for three children.

@crystabel I understand how you feel. I have 2 little ones at the moment 3 and 8 months and I'd love another. Husband not so keen. Although he's yet to go get the vasectomy he tells me he's planning.

I've been really quite sad reading all the replies that have said about being too old. I genuinely don't feel old. Two easy pregnancies at 36 and 39. But the comments have actually made me think I might be crazy even if hubby did get on board

@christabel this is what I was complaining about. If you want another then you are not too old. Whether it is right for your family and circumstances is down to you.

I was 19 when I had my first, and 24 when I had my second. I’m now 38 and they are 19 & 14. I’m loving things how they are, they are independent, they like having younger parents. I have so much left I can still do- work, travel etc.
My aunt was 45 when she had my cousin. She was fine until 58ish then her age hit her. She has really struggled being an older parent, very tired being asked to do pick ups at 1am etc from a party. My cousin is now 24 and has left home and moved 2 hours away. She was embarrassed about having an older mum she admitted recently, and was jealous of my boys having young parents who in her words ‘understood what was going on in the world’ that I may agree to differ, but I can see her point.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks your cousin sounds unpleasant.

OP I am 41. (Same school year!). 9 and 5 year old. Have wanted another since 5 year old was a day old DH a firm No! Says it’s ‘just hormones’

It has been harder than is easy to explain, so I totally get it.

I have recently started trying to concentrate on my existing DC, rather than pining for something I don’t have (which I had definitely been doing!). Doing nice days out, school trips, booking holidays, and I have been feeling better. But it never seems to fully go away. And I feel absolutely the same about gorgeous 5 year old being on the cusp of losing that scrumptiousness! Not that DC9 is not amazing. But 5 is just so cute I think I have definitely been slightly panicking about not being needed anymore. DH pointed out that as teens, the DC will need us heaps if in a different way.

I do not think 41 is too old to have a baby by the way, maybe as I know several older mums. It is DH being against which stopped me. Well, that and feeling my kids may lose out (I am terrible at being pregnant, and being tired) and anxieties about all the what ifs.

Considering a dog

Another one over here who is open to a third DC - despite everything being against it! I'm 40 next month, and my DC are 3 and 1. Neither are good sleepers, we have no family nearby, both me and DH work and we are always exhausted and stressed (which inevitably has an impact on our marriage). But mother nature is a crafty bitch who senses I'm trying to shut up shop so is doing her best to to convince me a third baby would be a good idea! I know it's the hormones speaking, DH is against it for the same reasons as me but is able to think rationally without those damn hormones.

I think it's sadness that this is it with the pregnancy and child birth part of my journey. I'm so lucky to have had this opportunity twice and to have had healthy babies, I know. But a part of me can't help but crave having a newborn again...I won't be going there though. It wouldn't be fair to my DC and I'm honestly not sure if my marriage would survive a third...

Good luck OP with whatever you do decide.

always wanted 3. Had to persuade DH to have number 2. he wouldn't budge about a 3rd. I'm 44 now. I kind of made my peace with the situation at 42 - gave all the baby stuff away. We have space and money for a 3rd, but if I'm really honest it would probably put a strain on our marriage (DH really isn't a baby person), and I'm terrified that if something was wrong with the baby it would completely change/destroy the family dynamics. I spend a lot of time being grateful for the 2 beautiful healthy DC i have, rather than the one I don't. And we are going to choose a puppy next week

She was embarrassed about having an older mum she admitted recently, and was jealous of my boys having young parents who in her words ‘understood what was going on in the world’ that I may agree to differ, but I can see her point.

People are criticising children who are embarrassed by their older parents but I think that's common among teens/in early 20's- anything that's perceived as "different" from their peers is embarrassing! Two of DD's (14) friends have older parents, one in their late 50s, the other mid-60s. They both find it embarrassing and wish they were younger. I'm sure they'll outgrow it.

To my surprise, DD apparently considers me a fairly acceptable Mum and she's not (normally) embarrassed to be seen with me, which is high praise.

I admit that I was embarrassed at having much older parents. Most of the parents that my friends had were 15 to 20 years younger than mine. Admittedly, my mum didn't really care about her appearance, and was a very heavy smoker. She looked and acted much older than her age. People used to ask me all the time if she was my grandmother.

Gosh sorry that many of you are in the same position but glad I'm not alone. My mum was 33 when she had me but seemed really old next to many other mothers.. how times have changed! I am just loving my girls and enjoying them, it's hard when they ask me ' mummy please can you have another baby' and I want to say 'yes yes' but instead say 'you'll have to talk to daddy!. I know that's so naughty but I guess I hope he'll be persuaded by their cute questions about having a sister or brother... one thing is for sure I've decided age wouldn't stop me trying. If it's meant to be it will but for now I have to accept my husbands wishes. Somebody had a heart attack at his work last week and I know he has a stressful job, I guess I can understand why he doesn't want to embark on long nights again. It makes you more grateful for what you have and I want to make sure he is ok and we are a family together even if not with a 3rd bubba 😬... but you never know...

We have space and money for a 3rd, but if I'm really honest it would probably put a strain on our marriage (DH really isn't a baby person), and I'm terrified that if something was wrong with the baby it would completely change/destroy the family dynamics

Ditto ncnc! I am also trying to change my thinking about it. I have been obsessively arranging nice things to do with the kids and costing myself a fortune!

OP you are right, it’s nice to know you aren’t alone as it’s hard to talk about IRL. Most people I know are just happy with their two. My DD also says that about babies and it’s heartbreaking but she is very clingy so I reply that a baby would mean her getting even less time with me, and she seems to get it!

Emmapeeler how did you get on? I tried to PM you as have similar circumstances currently but I couldn't get the message to send.