To want a 3rd when my husband doesn't?

[crystabel]

Hi All, Sorry if this has been raised a lot before. I'm nearly 41 and am blessed with 2 beautiful kids that I am so grateful for. Try as I might I cannot help but want another child, I don't want to be greedy but I just don't feel I'm done. Of course I don't know if I could even get pregnant now but the real issue is that my husband does not want another. In principal he says he would have another but he worries about money and my health as I have a bad back and suffer from hyperemesis when pg. I love my husband and would never push him if he really doesn't want to try for a baby but I just don't know what to do about these feelings. What he says is totally fair and practical but my hormones don't care about that. Has anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice of how to move on from this or maybe you did end up having another... how did you turn things around if so? I'd be so grateful for any advice thx....

Sorry but I agree with your DH. If you were ten years younger and didn’t have back problems and suffer from HG it may be a different story. Who looks after your existing DC when you’re potentially hospitalised with HG? You also have to consider multiple risk factors linked with having children in your forties.

I wouldn’t risk it, two is a good number.

Really knowing your limits really must be the most important decision we can make as parents ciel
You are taking care of your children and putting them first, that makes you a wonderful mother in my view.

To everyone talking about chromosome abnormalities, I had the nipt blood test to check. I didn't rely on the NHS nuchal fold test, and I didn't have the first blood test, as the private test I had is over 99% accurate.
My cousin had her first baby at 20 and she has autism. That can happen at any age.
I agree that every pregnancy carries a risk, however these can be mitigated to a large extent these days.

Thanks Gato

I'm in an area where 3 and 4 child families are almost the norm and I do feel like a lesser mum because I know I wouldn't cope.

Nope don't do it. That's nature's hormones talking - it's their job but don't listen! You've two kids, you're blessed. Enjoy.

I was 43 when I had DD. My only. Love her to bits, best thing that ever happened to me. But...it's hard being nearly 60 with a teenager. The earlier years were fine, but now we're properly 'older' it shows.

Been here till very recently OP. Slight difference is we both wanted a third, I was 41 when we started trying. I had two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 8 weeks. Really unpleasant experiences.... as time passed though I realised I was fixating more on the child I wanted rather than the 2 I already had.
The feeling does pass, but very slowly.... (still have the odd broody day now) but i'm now grateful for the two healthy children I have.
One thing that scared me was I didn't want to bring a severely disabled child into the world, as I have first hand experience of what that does to siblings x

My dh is older than me, and has really slowed down the last few years. I have noticed that he now needs a sleep in the afternoon etc etc. We do age, as much as we like to think we will stay young and energetic for always, we can't override the natural order of the aging process.

I sympathise OP, I'm 42 and have (almost overnight!) become very broody. My two are teenagers so perhaps it's a reaction to 'losing' my babies.

Honestly though I suspect its hormones, one last push of my fertility before I hit perimenopause. Don't do it! If I've learned anything from having teenagers it's that listening to your hormones rarely ends well...

I'm going to give a different perspective to most posters.

I had my fist at 42, second at 43 and my third last year at 45. All conceived naturally and first month. That isn't a stealth boast just merely pointing out as its relevant.

You will be swamped by people telling you your chances of conceiving in your 40's is virtually non existent and highlighting all the 'possible' risks but what they won't tell you is what my consultant and midwives told me, which is having a baby in your 40's is not uncommon now. Many women delay motherhood or simply have another child in a second marriage.

All three of my pregnancies were smooth, all three babies healthy and all born on time and an average weight.

I guess I'm trying to say unless you have already experienced fertility problems your age isn't automatically a barrier to conceiving again nor does your age mean you will have a difficult pregnancy or birth.

So that's your age covered :)

I don't think not wanting to have a third automatically trumps the desire to have one, it isn't that simple. Who will be the least unable to move on from the decision? Is your DH 100% adamant he doesn't want another? Can you move on from your desire to have another or will you resent him for it? Try not to lose sight of already being blessed with two.

@Liverbird77 your experience doesn't change the risk for the op, are you seriously saying "I was ok, so you will be too!"

@crystabel

The wishes of the person NOT wanting a child come first sorry OP.

The feeling will pass. Many women have it when they are getting to an age where their fertility is getting very low, and they know they have not got long left (to get pregnant/bear children.) It happened to me (at around 42,) and me and DH tried for about a year. Nothing.

Then the feeling passed, and we started using protection again. I am bloody glad, because now, our kids have flown the nest, and we have the house to ourselves, and no ties or responsibilities or commitments - except the bills and the cats and our jobs LOL!

If we had had another baby at that time - when we were in our early to mid 40s (when the youngest of ours was in their mid teens,) we would be tied down now (at around 50,) with a 5 y.o, with all the drudgery ahead of us; of the school run, school gate mafia, having to go to every single doctor, hospital, dentist, medical appointment etc, and all the school stuff like concerts, and swimming lessons, and sitting around for endless hours while they do the sport or activity that they chose, week in, week out!!

Also, driving them around everywhere, having to tolerate other school mums, and other peoples kids eating us out of house and home, and making noise, and not being able to do a damn thing without a little child in tow. And that's not to mention the astronomical cost of having another child!!! Probably struggle to keep friends too, as very few middle aged people want screaming and demanding toddlers/infants around!!!

I mean we both loved all the bringing up kids stuff at the time (some of it!) and we adore our kids, and if we could go back 25 years, we wouldn't change a thing, and would still have them, but we would not want to go through it again.

Also you will be virtually a pensioner, when they're a teen. And possibly retired when they will need financial support to get them through university too. This is something that needs to be thought about too.

Also, there are many risks and lots of other reasons to not have a baby in your early to mid 40s (or older,) that some posters have already listed. And quite possibly, by the age of 50 (when the child is still small/an infant) you will have elderly and ailing parents. Quite possibly a job too. On top of a baby in your mid 40s too!

You will get LOADS of posters coming on here later, telling you about how they - and every woman they know - had a baby at 44 to 52 years old, and everything went beautifully, the baby is fine, they have the energy of a 21 year old, and their rich, six-figure-a-year husband adores them AND the baby. They will tell you about how they may return to their £90K a year job in media/law/the medical profession, or they may try for another baby.

Weirdly, I have only ever known 4 women in my lifetime who had a baby in their mid 40s; one at 42, one at 43, and one at 45, and one at 46. (The 45 y.o AND the 46 y.o. who had a child in their mid 40s BOTH had babies with a lot of medical issues and problems.)

Funny how so many dozens of women pop up on mumsnet who have babies in their mid to late 40s, and there are never any problems ever! (Weird.)

Don't do it!!!

p.s The irony of the poster above me waving the flag for having 3 kids in your 40s, when her username is @Foreverexhausted PMSL!

I'm also in the position of being on the other side- my DH want another and we already have two boys. Like Ciel said it is hard and he brings it up sometimes- thing is they don't go through all the birth and in my case the caring (mine wouldn't take a bottle and was breastfeeding for several years)- I feel he just sees the fun side and not the reality at times. I have had lots of surgery and have been advised no more babies anyway so in a way that is easier to explain. However even if that was not the case I would not have another.

Have to agree with foreverexhausted in the fact if I knew everything would be ok then I'd probably go it for, for me it it's just too greater risk....
And let's look at "foreverexhausted" name..... that's enough to put me off! Only kidding forever :)

I don't think your age is a factor as much as your DH doesn't want one. I'm afraid I agree that the wishes of the parent who doesn't want another child come ahead of the one who does as the impact is greater. Especially in your case as your health issues will mean he would have to take on more with regard to caring for your existing children.

It is probably the perimenopausal hormones talking. Don't let your focus on an imaginary third child interfere with the life you have with your existing family.

Also, there is around a 50% miscarriage rate in mid 40s so I would be aware of that also. As well as other risks etc. For me, if it had been a first baby that would be different. But I don't feel it would be fair on my existing children in that situation. It would be hard on them in terms of change and attention etc at an already difficult time (starting GCSEs and secondary school) and even more so with a child with SEN.

My cousin had her first baby at 20 and she has autism. That can happen at any age.

Did you know there is a higher risk of autism in younger and older mothers? It is not as simple as this. Yes it can happen at any age but more so in older, and younger mothers (so under 20 and over 40 and also rises with fathers age). I remember thinking that was interesting when I read it.

“I don't think not wanting to have a third automatically trumps the desire to have one, it isn't that simple.”

Think you’ll find it is. Unless of course you’re going get pregnant without your husband.

Another thing to consider, and I never see it mentioned on these threads is, my biggest worry would be if the dh 'gave in' to having a 3rd, 4th, but once the baby is here and throughout the childhood, his feelings that made him not want the baby in the first place don't change.

Which means; damage to the relationship, an unsupported mother, resentment, a child that feels unloved or even unwanted.

@Lilac3 absolutely, people flippantly say things like "you won't ever regret a child" like it's that simple and I just don't think that's realistic. We all know how difficult a new baby is even when it's very much wanted by both parents, adding bottled resentment from one parent and you're just asking for disaster. My DH is a hands on, completely involved dad, there is no expectation that I take on the lion share of child care, so for that reason a child has to be wanted by both of us if we are both expected to raise it.

You simply can't push someone to have a child, it really is as simple as that, if it would be so soul destroying for you not to have another child, you have the option to leave the relationship and go elsewhere. But I'm sure if you already have 2 children that your desire wouldn't need to trump the family in that way.

I was you 8 years ago OP . Never did change my dh's mind and we stuck at two. A couple if years ago my hormones subsided and I realised he was right, two was a better number for us. I'm sure I'd have loved a third but life would have been so much more expensive and difficult and wed have been able to offer the existing two much less.

crazyasafox Why are you so judgemental?

"You will get LOADS of posters coming on here later, telling you about how they - and every woman they know - had a baby at 44 to 52 years old, and everything went beautifully, the baby is fine, they have the energy of a 21 year old, and their rich, six-figure-a-year husband adores them AND the baby. They will tell you about how they may return to their £90K a year job in media/law/the medical profession, or they may try for another baby."

I know several women who had babies in their mid 40's and NONE of them fit that description.

Also

"Funny how so many dozens of women pop up on mumsnet who have babies in their mid to late 40s, and there are never any problems ever! (Weird.)"

Why do you have such a problem with this? Your tone is quite nasty.

And as for my username, yep I am Foreverehhausted and I wouldn't change a thing. I never met the right man until my late 30's and had a career I loved (not in any of the professions you've mentioned or earning that salary) so having children in my 40's has been an absolute blessing. Perhaps I'm lucky because not having children at the age you consider correct or desiring an empty home by 50 means I'm looking forward to having a busy home for many years and I'm far more open minded and accepting of other peoples choices.

Why do you actually want another child??

I think his concerns are valid OP.

It sounds like a lot like you should ignore these impulses. Having a baby at 41/42 can of course work but if you have health & money concerns I'd be very nervous about it.

Also would seriously consider the parents views that have had children in their mid forties, and are now in the midst of teenagers and beyond in their late fifties/early sixties.
I have friends in this position, and they are absolutely knackered op, and can’t keep up with their teens.

There is one thing managing babies in your forties, quite another dealing with teens at sixty. Of course parenting does get more demanding as children hit their teen years, it makes the baby stage feel like a walk in the park, and just as your energy reduces as you head into old age so you hit the teen years with your dc. It is not a good combination, at all.

My guess is most of those advocating having optional babies (ie those mothers that already have children, opposed to those that haven’t been able to up now for whatever reason) probably haven’t experienced the fresh hell of teen and toddler years combined as your older children hit peak demand, and haven’t been through being a mother of a teenager at sixty. And this is all assuming it goes well in the first place. Your dh is not wrong to be thinking is it such a good idea.

I am all for choice and advancement, but the urge needs to something beyond hormonal, that is not a reason to have a baby at any age.