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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad DS isn't like DNiece/ Dnephew

120 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2019 00:26

We were at a famy party the weekend. DS, just 4, barely coped walking down the aisle as a pageboy and then had to be taken out of the church as he got really upset. He was loved and reassured, taken outside to walk it off etc. DNi and DNe both 12 months younger say perfectly.

He was largely OK for the wedding breakfast but evening reception was too much as soon as the music started. He had to go home. Again lots of reassurance and comfort. Needless to say DNi and DNe stayed til the end, played lovely, DNi even managed a nap! She also. Ade friends with some other children. DS def wouldn't have

And it's not just my prodigal niece and nephew. Took him to the park with friends, they all played together despite not knowing each other, DS played alone despite "knowing" them all.

It just makes me so sad for him. I want him to be a happy, secure boy who can make friends, cope with different environments etc.. He'll happily say Hi to strangers we meet, so it's not that he's shy. At nursery he'll let other kids play with him but he never really instigates it. He never tells me about any special friends.

I just feel like there's so much he's missing out on. He refuses anything like the kids fairground rides, ice cream, bouncy castles etc as I think they're too overwhelming for him and I'd never force him. I haven't taken him swimming because I don't think he'd cope with the noise. We did panto with school and he got hyterical literally from the first minute so I took him out, so we don't go to the theatre or cinema with him. I just feel like I'm failing to give him all these marvelous opportunities.

We'll go somewhere and he'll quote vocally tell me when he's had enough (thank God SeaLife didn't cost us full price!) and we try and balance his needs with practicalities so if we can't go immediately try and find a way to make him feel safer until we can etc.

I praise him when he tries stuff, we do lots of positive praise and he loves MacDonalds so it isn't all noisy places(!!!) so then I think is it just him being demanding? But Maccies is one noise - people rather than say loud background noise and people so there is a difference.

I just want to make him happy. He's 4, he should be having all these wodnercul experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2019 00:27

Sorry that was a bit of a middle of the night rant. I just want to not fail him

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 03/06/2019 00:29

Oh OP, you aren’t failing him! You’re doing fun things for him and then protecting him when he can’t cope. That isn’t failing, it’s nailing it xx

Stressedout10 · 03/06/2019 00:30

He sounds a lot like my ds at that age he has asd don't mean to worry you but you should speak to his health visitor or dr Flowers

Bluerussian · 03/06/2019 00:31

He's only four and will grown more confident with time. Don't compare the little lad to other children, he's himself.

OldUnit · 03/06/2019 00:31

As a highly sensitive person who has struggled all my life with people telling me to 'toughen up', all I can say is please don't pressure him.

He'll find pleasure in his own things, his own way. He actually isn't missing out on forced fun, or interaction or anything other people might peg as 'fun' if he doesn't actually enjoy those things. Absence of medical issues aside, just support him to be who he is, learn his triggers and try to alleviate anxieties for him, as much as you can.

Isadora2007 · 03/06/2019 00:34

Is there any concern he could be on the autistic spectrum? He sounds a lot like my nephew who is, but equally my son who isn’t also had many traits as a child that would be red flags for autism but he didn’t actually turn out to be. Just sensitive.

GreenTulips · 03/06/2019 00:34

Have you had his hearing checked

itswinetime · 03/06/2019 00:36

I'm no expert on child development and child raising but I'm sure he is having wonderful experiences that he enjoys he just doesn't enjoy the same experiences as some other children and that's ok. We are all different. As adults we don't expect everyone to like the same things. I have some friends who think a day at an art gallery is the best thing ever others it's their idea of hell same goes for theme parks certain restaurants the list goes on. It's ok for adults to say I don't enjoy that. I think it's ok for kids too.

Your are exposing him to these opportunities that is the important things. Somethings he may learn to like as he is older, others will probably never be his cup of tea. Thats ok keep offering him new experiences and keep listening to him like you already are. And remember what is wonderful for one person isn't for others so just because he doesn't like what others do doesn't mean he isn't have a wonderful childhood. At least that is my take on things.

camelfinger · 03/06/2019 00:37

I used to feel the same about my DS. Never liked group activities, parties or playing with other children. Has got much better recently now he’s almost 6. I feel bad about worrying about it when he was younger, I think he was just more socially immature than other children but is now finding his own way.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2019 00:37

@Stressedout10 I do have days when I wonder, but he had specialist health visitors up until 3, he theoretically sees a development consultant yearly (she's been quite poorly so we've been delayed again), he's in nursery and the SENCO is involved as he has an EHCP for medical things, so I assume someone would have picked it up. They just put it down to him just being behind in his social skills

But seeing him this weekend around others so much just highlights it so much.
@OldUnit definately none of that. I worry I baby him too much by always removing him if anything.

I just worry he'll grow up with no friends and lacking the skills to make them. I. Pregnant and worry if I have a typical child who likes their peers that he'll see them and realise what he's missed out on because I couldn't teach him those skills

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2019 00:40

@GreenTulips yeah. Fairly recently, all fine. If I whisper Kinder Egg from a me away he can hear that 😂

I have some friends who think a day at an art gallery is the best thing ever DS would agree! He asks to be taken to the Art Galllery(be ause the rooms and big and he can run around them, less so for the conceptual art!!)

OP posts:
bert3400 · 03/06/2019 00:42

Hi OP, your son sounds just like my DS. Clung to my legs, wouldn't mix, very socially inept. He is now 16, a British champion in his sport, travels independently around the world and has more friends than anyone I know. He has stood up Infront of 100s of people to speak along with TV interviews. At 4 your DS is just finding his way. Please don't compare him to your DNis or DN, he will find his place in life.

MrsMiggins37 · 03/06/2019 00:46

Aw, bless him x

It sounds like he’s getting sufficient attention from professionals who would pick up if they were concerned but maybe it is just as simple as his medical problems mean he’s not had as much opportunity for socialisation x

Don’t compare - your boy will become his own person and with a great mum fighting his corner he’ll do just fine. Also you don’t know what pains in the arse your nieces and nephews might be behind closed doors ;)

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 03/06/2019 00:46

If he has an EHCP and professionals think he is socially delayed why are you surprised he find social interaction harder than his peers? Surely that’s just who he is?

Starface · 03/06/2019 00:47

Your son is his own wonderful, individual person. It takes many different sorts if people to make a world. Just because he doesn't want to do the experiences you think he should doesn't mean he is unhappy. They are two different things. Follow his lead and roll with what he likes, with a bit of gentle encouragement to keep trying things and relaxed escape plans where necessary. Don't push him to be what he isn't. Then you will have a truly happy child. A quiet walk in the woods is just as picture perfect as the other things you describe. Give him his best childhood, not some fantasy childhood he ought to have but might hate. You sound well attuned to what he actually likes and dislikes. Just build on that, not only guilt free but in the knowledge this is actually best for him, sod the "should" voice. You are already doing really well for him, have confidence in that.

BummyKnocker · 03/06/2019 00:50

He's not even 4, please don't worry, wouldn't it be a very boring world if we all did the same things at the same time! We are all on different paths and that is ok.

itswinetime · 03/06/2019 00:51

I have some friends who think a day at an art gallery is the best thing ever DS would agree! He asks to be taken to the Art Galllery(be ause the rooms and big and he can run around them, less so for the conceptual art!!)

I'm fairly sure some of my friends only go so they can tag themselves there on Facebook not for the conceptual art so I guess that's the kids equivalent Wink

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2019 00:53

@bert3400 my PFB is never leaving his Mummy!! Sounds like your son is a superstar though and making you very proud 😊

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis because I thought nursery was helping. He'll run around like a puppy on his own outside / in familiar places, has taken to saying hi to all sorts of random people, will happily sit by strangers on the bus etc and I've been convincing myself it's getting beyyer
But this weekend, seeing him parallel to kids who aren't even 2 and seeing how different he is has highlighted how far he still has to go. And different isn't bad, it's fine - he's awesome. But I'm so scarex he's going to be lonely too. I think too thst scho only see him in what's now a safe place with familiar faces, so they don't see the child curled up on my lap crying to go home becuase the music is loud, or just looking confused at kids in the park trying to play with him.

OP posts:
MrsMiggins37 · 03/06/2019 00:54

and he loves MacDonalds so it isn't all noisy places(!!!) so then I think is it just him being demanding? But Maccies is one noise - people rather than say loud background noise and people so there is a difference.’

Exactly this. My son does have ASD and sensory issues and I struggled to understand how he could cope ok in some noisy environments and not others. Someone explained to me that maybe the noise in certain places is just easier to deal with for him and also other factors can come into play eg the familiarity of the background - McDonald’s might be comforting and familiar so the noises don’t put him on edge the way similar noises in a less comfortable environment might.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2019 00:56

@itswinetime I have ended up de larking on the walk in to nursery that if he's good we can go to the art gallery as a treat (to some interesting looks from other parents... ) so maybe that's nursery version of FB lol.

OP posts:
MrsMiggins37 · 03/06/2019 00:56

If you don’t already have some get him a set of ear defenders. They might help him with noise

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2019 00:59

@MrsMiggins37 he dislikes them. I did think afterwards we should have brought them just in case. In some circs having access to the prized Mummy's Phone and YouTube works but I think it's the tuning out / then he's an absolute nightmare to get it back off him without a full on meltdown.

HV is no use, she's met him once. I'm meant to be seeing SENCO this half term., maybe I have to bite the bullet and ask about his social stuff rather than the usual stuff. Maybe explaining how he is outside of school will give them a better picture / reassure me

OP posts:
RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 03/06/2019 01:01

Hi OP
I am still up. Have a virtual hug and a brew Brew and Cake.
My son has anxiety issues and sensory issues.
It impacts a lot on what we can do - he won't do the cinema or the circus. Soft play is touch and go. Theatre a no go. He won't cope with sister's concerts, school recitals etc as a performer or observer.
He does love swimming though.
I have cried a lot - I don't know what the future holds for him.
He has no interest in making friends and it doesn't seem to bother him.
All you can do lovey is support and encourage and keep doing what you're doing - listening to them especially when they are clear they are not coping. I sometimes used to force an issue or activity in the hope that it would bring him something - I don't do that anymore, it never ends well and was more for me than him when I actually thought it through.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 03/06/2019 01:09

Forgot to say, it's still okay to feel sad - I do. But my son isn't sad. He's a happy little soul most of the time. So I fake it til I make it because that's what we do. Flowers

SmilingThroughIt · 03/06/2019 01:20

He sounds so much like my ds aged 3. For us, we found out that my son has many sensory issues and hes currently in OT. That has been helping so much.