To be sad DS isn't like DNiece/ Dnephew

[SleepingStandingUp]

We were at a famy party the weekend. DS, just 4, barely coped walking down the aisle as a pageboy and then had to be taken out of the church as he got really upset. He was loved and reassured, taken outside to walk it off etc. DNi and DNe both 12 months younger say perfectly.

He was largely OK for the wedding breakfast but evening reception was too much as soon as the music started. He had to go home. Again lots of reassurance and comfort. Needless to say DNi and DNe stayed til the end, played lovely, DNi even managed a nap! She also. Ade friends with some other children. DS def wouldn't have

And it's not just my prodigal niece and nephew. Took him to the park with friends, they all played together despite not knowing each other, DS played alone despite "knowing" them all.

It just makes me so sad for him. I want him to be a happy, secure boy who can make friends, cope with different environments etc.. He'll happily say Hi to strangers we meet, so it's not that he's shy. At nursery he'll let other kids play with him but he never really instigates it. He never tells me about any special friends.

I just feel like there's so much he's missing out on. He refuses anything like the kids fairground rides, ice cream, bouncy castles etc as I think they're too overwhelming for him and I'd never force him. I haven't taken him swimming because I don't think he'd cope with the noise. We did panto with school and he got hyterical literally from the first minute so I took him out, so we don't go to the theatre or cinema with him. I just feel like I'm failing to give him all these marvelous opportunities.

We'll go somewhere and he'll quote vocally tell me when he's had enough (thank God SeaLife didn't cost us full price!) and we try and balance his needs with practicalities so if we can't go immediately try and find a way to make him feel safer until we can etc.

I praise him when he tries stuff, we do lots of positive praise and he loves MacDonalds so it isn't all noisy places(!!!) so then I think is it just him being demanding? But Maccies is one noise - people rather than say loud background noise and people so there is a difference.

I just want to make him happy. He's 4, he should be having all these wodnercul experiences.

At that age I repeatedly said to my dh that my ds ‘was not like other kids’. Any event where there were other kids he did not behave the same.
It worried me no end.
We are a few years down the line and no, he’s not like other children. But he’s brilliant, he’s calm, quiet and considered. He has a very small tight circle of friends, enjoys quiet things and quiet times.
We’ve nurtured the things he does enjoy and given up with the stuff he doesn’t (unless it’s non negotiable!). It’s been hard for dh as they are so very different, but he’s learnt to enjoy quieter simpler things.

I am not saying don’t raise your concerns but nurture what he loves and encourage him to be who he is.

My son was exactly like this and would and did behave identically at 4. He’s 16 now with no issues whatsoever. Your son may have issues, he may not but his behaviour as you describe it is very typical of a child his age

@Floatingthroughspace, I'm pretty sure I didn't suggest using them routinely. Please do correct me if I'm wrong.

I think it was clear that I meant for occasions that were noisier than normal. Like, for example, music at a wedding...

It sounds like you’re doing a great job with your little boy! Giving him opportunities to explore the world but protecting when he needs it. Be careful about projecting your own needs on to DS though. It might be that he is someone who grows up needing fewer, but perhaps more intimate friends, or he suddenly comes out of himself and is hugely sociable. I feel like the most important thing is for him to feel confident that however he is is OK to be, and that he doesn’t have to be like someone else. Then he’ll have the confidence to find what he want from the world, even if it takes him a bit longer than some children

dizzy my first post about ear defenders wasn't in response to yours, but to various recommendations to use ear defenders earlier in thread. We cross posted. I think several of those recommendations were for the future and we're for unspecified situations of discomfort. I see many people with kids wearing ear defenders out and about in parks, playgrounds, cafes etc and I think it is a useful thing to spread the message, don't do this as it exacerbates hearing sensitivity. (I obviously don't say it to people out and about!) I don't agree that a baby needs ear protectors on any occasion, as it either isn't sufficiently noisy that ears would need protection, or it isn't a suitable space for a baby.

I don't think a 4 year old

My youngest can be like this. We've adapted and he now goes for quiet sleepovers at his grandparents instead of big, noisy events where people want to talk to him.
He is a home body and just prefers the quiet of his own space.
It took time adjusting to a school environment but he did so over the first year. He doesn't do anything after school (unlike his elder siblings did at his age) just calms and relaxes with me and his toys.
You sound like you are doing a wonderful job- comparing him is inevitable but also see his uniqueness and nurture that too.

He’s only 4! Give him a break. He will become confident in his own time. I wouldn't compare him to other children - they’re all so different.

Your little boy sounds lovely. Please don’t feel as if he’s missing out by not going to soft play, cinema etc. Most of these manufactured entertainments are the very essence of hell.

Sorry, that last line should have been deleted.

I only responded to the post you made directly referring to my post.

Never mind.

There is definitely a time and place for war defenders for some children in some circumstances. The people I know that use them for their children are musicians, and they only use them when needed. This sounds like an occasion where they could have helped.

At 4 he is still very young and could still develop socially. He does sound like my son though who is now believed to be autistic. My son gets on better talking to adults than other children. He plays on his own a lot and isn't keen on fairground rides etc. He also can cope with MacDonalds noise but wears ear defenders in class. I would definitely mention your concerns about his social skills to the SENCO.

If you comfort him it makes it seem like his anxiety was "proportionate" I agree about normalising and explaining his feelings 3tc. But of course one of us is going to comfort a crying 4 year old who is clinging to us until we can get him out to a safe place

@MzHz Omg he found a leaflet for that place. "I want to go THERE" I asked if he wanted to go on this or that etc. "no, I want to look at THAT!" (Shed think on the map, probably the loo's) needless to say we haven't gone lol. I mistakenly put a £1 in a ride he was sat on once. Never again. I was worst person ever!!

Don't be worrying. DN and DN are very young, young enough not to realise it's actually quite scary walking up a church aisle in front of a lot of people. Having a child with a health condition does mean you study them and attribute meaning to anything you see as different - I do this too and the professionals who work with my son regularly reassure me that I have a perfectly normal child.

I dislike the rush to diagnose children with ASD on threads like this. It would be unlikely that the multiple professionals working with him would miss this diagnosis but that people on MN could pick it up after reading a paragraph about him.

Just keep following his lead, and encourage him to develop resilience and self confidence. Maybe by joining a little self defence class or getting into a team sport.

My sister was abit like this and very shy when at school had to be collected from play dates in tears. Hilariously she now has an incredible job (art world) and socialises in a work capacity with politicians royalty and the super rich we do laugh remembering how she was at 6 !

“Do NOT give him ear defenders.
Ear defenders are not recommended as a daily use tool. They exacerbate noise sensitivity.”

What horrible personal advice to give strangers.

DO NOT post your opinion as medical fact unless you link to a credible source to back it up. And then, it will still ONLY relate to your child. Not everyone else’s. Our child’s doctors explained to us just how our child processes noise and why ear defenders are such a great tool and allow him to function in situations he wouldn’t be able to otherwise.

Fwiw DS quite rightly thinks he's awesome. He is very loving and I spend half my life kissing better toys and hats that have fallen on the floor.

The hyperacusis is interesting. I have suffered with tinnitus my entire life, and only in adulthood realised it wasn't normal. I do sometimes wonder if there's other noise going on inside his head and I do think he's over sensitive to some noise (conversely I have very mild hearing loss and failed the hearing test he passed)

He's adjusted to the noise in nursery, can cope generally with screaming kids in the bus (he used to get hysterical) so he does seem to have learnt to normalise common environmental noise

OP I'm totally with you on this. I have a son age 7 very similar and just before I read your post I was sitting here having a good cry at how my son had to spectacularly play up in a crowded playground this morning while all the mums with their well behaved kids looked on. I felt judged and embarrassed. My son hasn't had a diagnosis of anything yet but we're looking at PDA/ADHD. Feel very sad at how he struggles and we do all we can to help him. Sorry I didn't mean to jump on your post with my problems but wanted you to know that you are not alone

sleeping standing up
of course one of us is going to comfort a crying 4 year old who is clinging to us until we can get him out to a safe place
He isn't in an unsafe place though! Yes you need to offer some reassurance but the long term aim is not to rescue him from uncomfortable situations but to enable him to manage them. This means a gradual move from "I will protect you" to "you are ok, this is ok, you can manage it". Now obviously that will vary according to the situation he is in, and a wedding is more unusual than, say, a cafe or whatever, but the point is, he was not unsafe and his perception of risk is disproportionate.

This is all evidence based stuff and I wish someone would have told me before I had my highly anxious first born. I over protected him in retrospect as my parental instinct was to comfort, nurture, support and rescue but I didn't recognise soon enough that rescuing him from non- dangerous situations fed into his perception that he can't manage, instead of teaching him that he can.
Anyway it's hopefully food for thought.

My DS was like this, and I used to be worried he wasn't doing things as other children did. No, he wasn't, he was doing things as he needed to do them. Similarly, I don't care for huge gatherings/loud noises/enforced 'fun!'
A pp had it absolutely correct - you're protecting him, and making sure he doesn't become overwhelmed, that's AWESOME parenting!!
My DS, now, as I do, has fewer friends, but I know my gang are the 'call you at 3am to move a body' type - I could count on them for anything. Your DS will make friends, he may always prefer quieter activities, and that's ok.
I found it hard in a quiet, darkened room, with DS, trying to calm him down at family weddings, when my nieces were life and soul, but with hindsight, that was exactly where I needed to be, and exactly where he needed me to be. You get the calls of 'toughen him up' blah blah - no! I'm fairly no nonsense, but I'm not making my child miserable for other people's entertainment!
He's an early teen now, and I was told yesterday, by my new neighbour, that he was a credit to me, as he was so caring, kind, and thoughtful. I'll take that over life and soul of the party, any day.
Be kind to yourself

Aww he's still a baby, let him be!
Sounds very like my DD who has always been a bit anxious about some things. She wouldn't get in a swimming pool until she was 8 as she was convinced she would drown, repeatedly washed hands after someone at school taught them about germs and steadfastly refused to get off my knee at parties. Now she's 21, a drama graduate, currently living in Italy.
One of my sons was even more of a concern, he didn't talk until 3, really didn't interact well with others (liked bashing people) hated school and was very behind in all subjects. Could not tolerate noise or shopping centres. Had to leave the Lion king in London as could not cope aged six! Was investigated for ASD but not diagnosed. He's now 18. Very sociable, plays his sport at National level, estimated AAB in his science A levels and is about to start a nursing degree. Still hates musicals and puppets though and as for shopping? Nah he'd rather be on a rugby pitch.

lazeydaisey my advice was backed up by an NHS link and came to me in a professional capacity from the chief audiologist of a major city.
However here is a further link, scroll down to "ear protection" section.
www.tinnitus.org.uk/hyperacusis

Sounds like my DD at 4. Shy, hated noisy and confusing environment, friendly but often alone, no serious best friends, not keen on messy or chaotic play, nervous in new environments, scared of animals, had sensory issues with clothing, hugely fussy eater, always had a death grip on my hand. We went with reassurance and not pushing her to much to do things she wasn't comfortable with. We also carried on exposing her in small ways to some of the things she just needed to get used to. Even bought a dog! I carried on trying with the food.

At 8 she is a confident young lady. She still hates rollercoasters and struggles with very noisy environments. however she has a few best friends in school and a wider circle of good friends. We never fail to fill her birthday parties. She makes friends easily when we are on holiday. She goes to the next door shop on her own and buys me bread and speaks politely and confidently to the staff and neighbours. She learned to swim in the end (I thought she'd never get over a fear of water but one day it just clicked!) She still isn't keen on animals but has finally developed a love for our dog (got as a puppy to try and get her over her screaming ab-dab fear of dogs - it worked - she doesn't want to stroke anyone else's dog but no longer screams and climbs me when they approach). she won't wear "scratchy" clothes but that is fine as she loves to shop so we go together, she chooses and tries on and we reject those items that don't suit. She loves velvet and satiny type materials and always looks a million dollars (much more stylish that her mum!) She eats a fairly varied diet and is off out for the day today with grandparents and cousins to enjoy a park, a walk and a pizza / pasta lunch out. She looks gorgeous in soft thin leggings, a floaty dress and a soft cardigan. She will be fine to choose and order her own lunch and will enjoy the park but she is unlikely to go down the super fast slide but it goes unremarked by friends and other people.

Provide calm and confident consistent parenting and he'll be fine!

I dislike the rush to diagnose children with ASD on threads like this. It would be unlikely that the multiple professionals working with him would miss this diagnosis but that people on MN could pick it up after reading a paragraph about him.

I don’t think anyone has diagnosed him, rather had a keep your eye on it and mind open in regards to an assessment philosophy. Good advice I would think.

I have a (now adult) child with ASD, had a few health issues as a child and, saw a few different specialists and a general paed but they were all focused on physical issues and it was only picked up once they started school and the teachers pretty much demanded an assessment in order to be able to give the help the child needed. My child ramped it in at the assessment but not one specialist had ever picked up on anything as they were all tunnel visioned relating to their particular specialties and even the general paed to an extent.

OP I pretty much behaved like your DS at that age. I am not on any spectrum but have an absolut hearing. Being exposed to several sounds from different directions still leads to stress. I coped at nursery and kids parties by playing in the most quiet area with only two or three other kids or taking some time out just by myself. Please just watch your DS and let hin develop his own strategy. You can talk to your GP if you discover more signs which are not connected with sounds/noise. I also recommend eardefenders only in execptionelly loud surroundings.

OP I just want to give you a hug. I don't have answers for you but my son sounds like yours and I spent years crying, comparing him to his peers and stressed out and worried about how we were failing him and what a bleak future he was going to have. I ended up depressed and exhausted and unable to be there for him like I needed to be.

Things are better now but I regret that I wasted a lot of time wallowing in the negatives and being sad. I have no professional health background but just want to share my own experience and learning with you.

So What I want to say is that you are not failing him. You sound like a wonderful, loving mother who would do anything for her child and is helping him in all the areas he needs help. Nobody can ask for more. Whatever his challenges are, he needs a strong, happy, emotionally healthy mum to support him.

So I would encourage you to take good care of yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but try and do nice things for yourself whenever you can and aim for consistently good mental health, whatever you need to do to maintain that.

I also suggest that you focus on his strengths and please don't add to your worries by imagining a "worst case" future for him. Take it a day at a time; do your best for him today and one day you will look back and see how far he has come because of your love and faith in him.