To be sad DS isn't like DNiece/ Dnephew

[SleepingStandingUp]

We were at a famy party the weekend. DS, just 4, barely coped walking down the aisle as a pageboy and then had to be taken out of the church as he got really upset. He was loved and reassured, taken outside to walk it off etc. DNi and DNe both 12 months younger say perfectly.

He was largely OK for the wedding breakfast but evening reception was too much as soon as the music started. He had to go home. Again lots of reassurance and comfort. Needless to say DNi and DNe stayed til the end, played lovely, DNi even managed a nap! She also. Ade friends with some other children. DS def wouldn't have

And it's not just my prodigal niece and nephew. Took him to the park with friends, they all played together despite not knowing each other, DS played alone despite "knowing" them all.

It just makes me so sad for him. I want him to be a happy, secure boy who can make friends, cope with different environments etc.. He'll happily say Hi to strangers we meet, so it's not that he's shy. At nursery he'll let other kids play with him but he never really instigates it. He never tells me about any special friends.

I just feel like there's so much he's missing out on. He refuses anything like the kids fairground rides, ice cream, bouncy castles etc as I think they're too overwhelming for him and I'd never force him. I haven't taken him swimming because I don't think he'd cope with the noise. We did panto with school and he got hyterical literally from the first minute so I took him out, so we don't go to the theatre or cinema with him. I just feel like I'm failing to give him all these marvelous opportunities.

We'll go somewhere and he'll quote vocally tell me when he's had enough (thank God SeaLife didn't cost us full price!) and we try and balance his needs with practicalities so if we can't go immediately try and find a way to make him feel safer until we can etc.

I praise him when he tries stuff, we do lots of positive praise and he loves MacDonalds so it isn't all noisy places(!!!) so then I think is it just him being demanding? But Maccies is one noise - people rather than say loud background noise and people so there is a difference.

I just want to make him happy. He's 4, he should be having all these wodnercul experiences.

Honestly I think where our generation are "failing our kids" is by constantly putting them under a bloody microscope, monitoring their every action/reaction and pathologising entirely normal behaviour.
And when I say normal I mean within the normal range of behaviours for a four year old.
Nothing you have said about your son sounds alarming at all OP. My ds was exactly the same. Any thoughts I had had about taking him to festivals or plays etc...forget it! As someone up thread said-not his cup of tea. Ditto being the centre of attention/facepainting/weddings etc.
Mine grew up to be a sportsman, dryly funny with several great friends. He still gets what he calls "over peopled".
Seriously, take the pressure off him and you and just accept him as he is.

He sounds like my cousin as a boy. He used to be in his own world so much that if we turned a corner while walking he'd carry on without us. When he was about 9 he discovered a talent and joined a club. At about 11 he discovered another talent and joined another club, he's still involved with that. Honestly it took until adulthood for him to really open up, and the comparison with his louder sibling was strange. He grew into a kind and thoughtful man, extremely clever and keeps up with his small group of friends who he collected one by one through his childhood. Everyone takes their own path, your boy might just need more hugs and prefer quiet. Keep giving him the opportunities and you might be surprised by what sticks in the end. (I'm not saying you shouldn't have him tested for ASD, just giving a perspective.)

I was also going to suggest trying ear defenders, you get them in sizes from birth and up. They really helped my youngest.

(as an aside, i don't think you understand what prodigal means, or have maybe confused it with another word)

Do NOT give him ear defenders.
Ear defenders are not recommended as a daily use tool. They exacerbate noise sensitivity. Many young children have noise sensitivity that they grow out of (my own DD couldn't stand hand dryers at that age, as one example). If you muffle moderately loud sounds you just de-expose the brain and make it worse. If you have ear defenders they should be used for the minimum amount of time and in only the very noisiest environments.

Be wary of stepping in too soon. Model feeling anxious and coping with it ("I felt a bit nervous at the wedding for the first few minutes as there were lots of people I didn't know. But after a little while I realised everyone was kind and I felt much better"). Don't comfort him too much when he has a reaction to a non- dangerous situation; normalise his response. "It's not surprising you were a bit nervous walking up the aisle, there were lots of new people around and it must have seemed long. I bet aunty x was feeling nervous too". If you comfort him it makes it seem like his anxiety was "proportionate". You need to be equipping him with these ideas:
It's normal to get a bit anxious or nervous
It's predictable when this will happen
It goes away quite quickly
Everyone experiences this.

how’s his language/communication, also delayed? yeah when he started nursery at nearly 3 he was basically non verbal. But he lost all his sounds from 10 months after being intubated post op so it's always been assumed it was from that. He talks now but we don't have lots of consonant sounds still so he can sing a theme tune word perfect but his pronunciation is very vowelly.
I'm also realising his range is still quite narrow - he'll point out what bag someone has or what colour top l, will say in loop where he wants to go or which toy / book he wants, he'll ask what they're doing or what that sound is but it's not really a back and forth. He can identify someone being sad if they're crying. Sentence stricture is perfect though and hes had an amazing speech leap in the last 6 months.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/hyperacusis/

Ear defenders available from birth up? Fucks sake!

He sounds exactly like my DS1 who at that age would hide under tables pushing trains back and forth over and over, no eye contact, screaming meltdowns at any large crowds, church services, choirs, applause, anything noisy. He used to flap and stim, run away from any child or adult, even his grandparents who he saw regularly (which really hurt their feelings I know but they would just sit and wait for him to come out again, like a cat). Repeated screens by the HVs and appointments with the developmental paediatric team. We couldn't take him to restaurants, weddings, concerts, playgrounds. Nursery and reception were lots of comments about parallel play and that he was "developing" which is teacher speak for "not quite where everyone else is yet"!!

He is now finishing Year 2, entered the school talent show as a solo act and with a band as well, loves acting, tonnes of friends, well ahead of expected academic targets for his age, doesn't mind noise, no issues at all beyond still finding age appropriate eye contact a bit uncomfortable (but so do I!!) All we did was usual childhood stuff, watchful waiting, and got a dog - maybe a total coincidence but it seemed really to help him deal with feelings.

The developmental paediatrician said something very helpful for me to get my head around it all - that even the most textbook ASD "traits" or behaviours are basically within the range of normal 4 year old behaviours, so they keep an eye on the traits that endure and don't get grown out of through childhood and socialisation experiences. So we were told just do what he can handle, remove him from situations where he is uncomfortable, and react to his cues. It turns out also he has perfect pitch so he could have been reacting to the sounds he was hearing more acutely at that time, and now he is older he is more used to it all or his ear is a bit less sensitive and can handle it without being overwhelmed.

My youngest ds is like this it's just part of his personality I actually thought he was on the spectrum because of his delay in his speech and he seemed at times to be not a social with the other DC, hes totally come out of his shell more so with having the speech therapist, he still doesn't like to take centre stage and wasnt a page boy in my brothers wedding because he wouldn't have settled anything that is abig change can be unsettling for him still, we take him in holiday abroad soon so wish us luck [

Ear defenders available from birth up? Fucks sake

What's wrong with that? Babies have much more sensitive hearing than adults. If people are going somewhere noisy then it's surely a positive thing to protect their childs hearing?

I agree with a PP who says he has different experiences which he enjoys, which i very much identify with! My DD is life and soul of the party, lives for it, never happier than when centre of attention. This isnt due to any coaching from me, its just how she came out!

It’s nothing to do with you, it’s his personality. I have four DC (although one is only a baby so can’t comment on him) and one of my children is anxious, worried, nervous, scared to try many new things etc whereas the other two just get on with things without issue. I have no idea why she is so different, been raised the same and had similar experiences. She’s just always been different to them, all I can chalk it up to is personality.

So I wouldn’t worry, you aren’t failing him.

Op sounds like you've had a rough time of it with operations etc. But could it have led to you overanalysing him and micro managing everything he says and does?

The pp who said you need to normalise his anxieties (because it is very normal to not like being the centre of attention) has it right. And please don't put him in ear defenders.

(Seconding your niece and nephew are not prodigal but didn't want to be the first to say it )

OP some children are much more sensitive to noise than others, I think, and some like to observe for a while. I vividly remember spending an hour in a play tent at a party with DD age 3-4 trying to persuade her to come out and play with the other toys/children! She is now a well-adjusted 11 year old!

I agree that playing structured games with an adult and one other child may help a little?

I think it is important not to have set ideas about what you think he should be doing; he is an individual - and it sounds as though he is a sensitive one. Comparisons with other children can help alert you to serious problems, and it sounds as though everyone is doing the right things.

It is very difficult for us to get into the heads of others and very easy to think about what they "should" be doing.

He is simply himself and whatever we might think he should enjoy, he may not. Comparisons with other children are not always helpful. He needs to be gently helped to do those things that he can enjoy and left to gradually find those things he wants to do and feels comfortable with.

I sometimes try and look at the world as a child, and think of all these strange things that adults think children should enjoy.

I used to get exasperated when I went to parents' evenings for one of my children and everyone would say "She's very quiet", "She doesn't join in much" etc. etc. - yes OK, but is she getting on with her work, does she seem happy, etc. etc. AS an adult she is now the noisiest and most confident of my children!

Apropos of the above comments, FWIW we never used ear defenders either, we reasoned that we needed him to get used to noise. In retrospect we were probably taking the edges off his ultra sensitive hearing so that in time he could function in noisy environments. We would take him out of noisy areas when it got too much though - we got used to scouting out exits so we could make a quick getaway as soon as needed. Short bursts of repeated exposure! The really hard one was on an airplane where there was no escape but he was placated with CBeebies on headphones.

Read the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain! It's about being an intovert in a world which prizes extroversion. She is so reassuring and explains that introverts experience things so intensely that they require little external excitement. Might help you understand your kid and worry less x

dizzypigeon because babies don't need their ears "protecting" from normal everyday sounds or you WILL get a noise sensitive child. The only times that a newborn might need ear protectors is in a situation of extreme noise - eg heavy metal concert- that probably isn't an environment a newborn should be exposed to at all.
Did you take a look at the NHS link above that says do NOT use ear protectors routinely?

@SallyWDthanl you, you've got it spot in.

When I say special friends I mean... Any friends. He never talks about I they kids, he is OK if they instigate to a degree but will never seek them out.

You seem to want him to be sociable and have lots of friends, without considering what HE wants I want him to be happy and have friends, not feel isolated and shy and overwhelmed like I was. I can remember sitting in the car when we visited my Dad's friends because I couldn't cope with going in. I don't want that pain for him.

Eat defenders are generally too tight, he has loose or soft hats and my sunglasses as he doesn't like anything too tight around his head

Verily1 no ours has a wide spe teum. He has a heart condition that qualifies him for respite. He wouldn't go to strangers in general life how he does at respite, he just knows respite is safe, nothing bad has happened there (except one attempt at a spa bath....), lots of toys, adult pandering to his every whim. He'll talk to adults in the bus etc but if they talk to him they might get one answer or I have to reask before he'll answer. Respite he doesn't stop talking! He had attachment issues in not being willing to seperate at all from me / DH but everyone is happy he's secure and well attached now. My point was just that he isn't shy, he can be outgoing whilst sat next to me but does seperate where he feels safe ie nursery and respite.

@JaynePoole I will def get that book, thank you

@nc100 he goes to sleep about 8, he was tired, and the plan was not to stay past a certain time, but he is OK in say a pub for dinner a bit later than normal and would realistically have struggled with the loud music in the niddle of the day. It's def the noise that triggers it. 3 seconds prior he'd been happily running round saying boo to his cousins and watching the lights.

No swimming. It's a 2 person job due to equipment he has, he's not always keen on water, and I know the echoey space and children shrieking would be too much. I've told DH now he's getting bigger we need to find a pool that has a quiet spot on a weekend to try him. I def can't do it alone.
He doesn't have a disability as such, he has a heart condition which qualifies him for respite and he's on o2 long term hence swimming difficulties.

@Blinkingblimey thank you

Some of what you have put could be describing myself at 4 years old

Went to a wedding at that age and ended up under a table playing by myself.

A lot of the things you describe about making friends was because I was an only child and I just didn’t get how to make the connection with others.

I was fine with the other children I knew or if someone made the first move but otherwise going up to someone and making the first move was beyond me.

Also i got bored very easily. Once I was bored then that was the end of things.

I probably have ADHD.

Ds is similar and he has ADHD

Should add I too have a problem with noise.

Crowded noisy places I have no problem with but cannot stand the noise of a hoover.

First thing I do in any house is to remove the carpets and put down wooden floors or tiles so I can sweep the floor instead of hoovering.

(as an aside, i don't think you understand what prodigal means, or have maybe confused it with another word) I think I did a typo. I didn't intentially write prodigal, and I know what it means. My DS is awesome but he's not prodigal lol.

Oh lovely, please don’t beat yourself up!

My little ds hated anything that moved - would sit in those things outside supermarkets for ages, but OMG don’t put the 50p in! He’d be off! Paultons Park? “Want off. Now” was the phrase of the day.

Ditto swings

I had to climb up one of those bloody enormous blow up slides to rescue him. He refused to go up or come down.

He’s now 13, enormous and spent last week paintballing and amusement parking!

Kids like what they like! Just find the things he enjoys and do them together, until he’s older and will work out that these things are fun after all.

You sound absolutely lovely! Be strong and have faith in him.

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Found it
No idea what I meant to write, I was tired and crying. They aren't prodigal either lol