To be sad DS isn't like DNiece/ Dnephew

[SleepingStandingUp]

We were at a famy party the weekend. DS, just 4, barely coped walking down the aisle as a pageboy and then had to be taken out of the church as he got really upset. He was loved and reassured, taken outside to walk it off etc. DNi and DNe both 12 months younger say perfectly.

He was largely OK for the wedding breakfast but evening reception was too much as soon as the music started. He had to go home. Again lots of reassurance and comfort. Needless to say DNi and DNe stayed til the end, played lovely, DNi even managed a nap! She also. Ade friends with some other children. DS def wouldn't have

And it's not just my prodigal niece and nephew. Took him to the park with friends, they all played together despite not knowing each other, DS played alone despite "knowing" them all.

It just makes me so sad for him. I want him to be a happy, secure boy who can make friends, cope with different environments etc.. He'll happily say Hi to strangers we meet, so it's not that he's shy. At nursery he'll let other kids play with him but he never really instigates it. He never tells me about any special friends.

I just feel like there's so much he's missing out on. He refuses anything like the kids fairground rides, ice cream, bouncy castles etc as I think they're too overwhelming for him and I'd never force him. I haven't taken him swimming because I don't think he'd cope with the noise. We did panto with school and he got hyterical literally from the first minute so I took him out, so we don't go to the theatre or cinema with him. I just feel like I'm failing to give him all these marvelous opportunities.

We'll go somewhere and he'll quote vocally tell me when he's had enough (thank God SeaLife didn't cost us full price!) and we try and balance his needs with practicalities so if we can't go immediately try and find a way to make him feel safer until we can etc.

I praise him when he tries stuff, we do lots of positive praise and he loves MacDonalds so it isn't all noisy places(!!!) so then I think is it just him being demanding? But Maccies is one noise - people rather than say loud background noise and people so there is a difference.

I just want to make him happy. He's 4, he should be having all these wodnercul experiences.

It sounds like he might just be shy.

Play lots of games with him where you have to take turns like Spotty Dogs from Orchard toys.
Have just one friend at a time round for play dates.
Try out different activities DD is shy but absolutely loves toddler ballet and is a bit more forward when she goes there.

I don't think it's too worrying that he didn't like being a pageboy. Everyone was staring at him in strange circumstances when he was wearing weird clothes. Some people feel awkward in that situation and some don't mind so much.
I'd try not to make him aware that you think this is a big deal. Not saying that you are, but don't let him see that you're worried. Praise the things he does well so that his self-confidence grows.

He sounds lovely and is perhaps just a little shy. My eldest was painfully shy and would cling to my side whenever we went anywhere - they certainly would not have coped with walking down the aisle.

They are now a teenager and are not shy any more, they are fairly reserved and quite mature but not shy. Your lovely son is still very young and has plenty of time to grow up and find his place in the world.

My ds is 7 op he was very similar to your ds at that age. It was difficult to gage how he would react when I took him to playgroups. He hated loud noises. We had to leave many places because he couldn’t cope and had a meltdown. He’s doing really well in school now. He has his moments 🤣 he can be difficult and still dislikes loud noises and hates Halloween for some reason! I think that as your ds has only turned 4, you shouldn’t worry that he’ll have no confidence and won’t make friends. I genuinely thought ds was too shy to make friends. He has plenty now but can struggle with the dynamics of relationships but again he’s only 7. Best of luck to you and your ds

I don't think comparing him to his cousins is wise. All children are different. They might be younger but be more social personalities or just be more used to noisy social events. Just keep things normal & don't avoid events or hell pick up on your anxiety about it. Children change massively at this age. As an ex teacher Ive often seen a shy socially aloof child at 4 become social & extrovert come age 6 with the right approach from parents & school. They sometimes take time to come into their own socially.

@RageAgainstTheVendingMachine thank you, its good to know someone gets it. It isn't about them not being good enough etc, it's just wanting them to get everything from life they can and its hard when so much causes anxiety.

Socially aloof is more accurate than shy. He isn't shy, although I get why it sounds like that. We'll cat H the bus today to school. He'll happily sit by any stranger, will say hi unprompted and speak at them about what toy her has for example (more one sided as often I have to repeat any questions for him to answer them). The kid he wouldn't play with, I told her she hurt her head and he boldly gave her a big kiss. He sings loudly on the bus and will say thank you to bus drivers and shop keepers, again will talk at them about what he's being brought. The bit of the wedding he coped with took ages to leave for all the goodbye kisses. It's like he's only shy if they're aged 2 - 7 (younger than 2 he's just disinterested).
Maybe despite a year in nursery he spends too much time with adults.

He did have seperation issues, we worked really hard in them and he's so much better. If I take him to the respite care place we use occasionally he'll go off with anyone in there and barely look back. Always excited I'm back but never cries etc for me. He adores being there.

It is in part the unpredictability and I really worry about full time school Sept and if it will just be too long around other people. I can see him getting to like 1 pm and declaring he wants to go home now

Hi OP. I have twin boys with ASD who are nearly 3. We are working so hard and I’m so proud of the progress they’re making but it’s stil so hard seeing them next to other kids the same age or younger. He sounds very similar to one of my boys - how’s his language/communication, also delayed?

It's like he's only shy if they're aged 2 - 7 (younger than 2 he's just disinterested).

My 2 year old is wary of other children, and intentionally distances himself from them, but will chat away (one sided) with adults and his teenage uncles. He does generally seem on a slightly different wavelength to other children his age (I notice this more acutely when he's around his cousin, too - there's only days between them), but I just try and enjoy him for who he is, and let him guide me, rather than the other way around.

I was pretty much the same as a child, and don't have many friends now, but the ones I do are real, meaningful friendships that have survived the dual tests of distance and time.

I think 4 is too young to worry that his entire childhood and school years will be ruined by his nature. 4 is so little, barely out of the toddler years. Although it's not wise to compare him to other kids I do understand. You're not saying the other kids are better, you just don't want him to miss out. I have exactly this feeling with my two. I have DD 8 and DS 6 and they couldn't be more different. DD 8 is outgoing, sociable, confident. She's positive and happy. She throws herself in to everything and does so many out of school activities, it's hard to keep up! My DS4 is almost the opposite, painfully shy, finds so many things difficult that my DD would just breeze through. He was practically silent at nursery, found it stressful and didn't really have any friends. Now he's in year 1, he's still very quiet but he has a couple of friends and has play dates etc. I can't get him to do any other activities. For example, he loves football so we took him to a football club and it was so traumatic for him. It was a disaster! We saw these other kids having fun and there was my DS in tears and clinging to my legs. It was the same story when he went to soft play or kids birthday parties. However I will say he's slowly improving, VERY slowly but he's going in the right direction! Now sometimes if I take him to a kids party he'll go off and have the time of his life! Not always but maybe more than 50% of the time. He'll also venture off in soft play on his own now. I was SO stressed about him starting school and although he's very quiet there he seems to enjoy it and tells me a lot about what they've done in a very positive way. He's come a long way since his first weeks in reception. Like you I've spent a lot of time feeling so sad that he's missing out on opportunities, that he can't experience fun like other kids but the reality is I can't change him. He is who he is, not who I want him to be (for his sake not mine!). I've seen him change a lot so I'm now thinking that when he's older he'll always be a quiet, slightly reserved kid but he'll be fine.

Sounds pretty normal to me. Not all children are boisterous and I think being a bit reserved is good really.

Don’t worry about special friends. Even we’ll into primary many kids play with/are friends with everyone. Besties come a bit later for many.

It sounds like he has had a lot going on health wise, and it would be natural for this to slow down his development. Maybe talk to his current health visitor, then wait and see how he copes with starting school etc.

Can you arrange one hour one-to-one play dates with a sedate and orderly child who shares his interests? That can be a good way to build specific friendships.

He is very very young, and it is very good that he communicates his needs and tells you when he has had enough. I think you expect a lot of him op. He is his own little person, and will develop at his own pace, at his own speed. He may be life and soul of the party in a few years or prefer a quieter more studious life.

You seem to want him to be sociable and have lots of friends, without considering what HE wants.

Let him be op. Take his lead. Stop comparing him to other dc. I am sure they have their moments too.

Enjoy him, keep taking him out as you are doing all the while listening to him when he is ovewhelmed. He may simply be hyper sensitive, and could be a creative sensitive type. They all get there in the end

My CN was like this, he only ever played with his younger sister. You can imagine how worried his parents were when he started a massive high school at 11, but suddenly he came out of his shell. Found friends with children with similar hobbies, threw himself into subjects he loves such as science and history and he is no a different child.

Sure, he will never volunteer to stand up and speak publicly at assembly but he has his own little group of mates and is happy.

DN not CN, he’s not cheeky at all!

My SIL used to feel that about her son. My daughters (a year either side of his age) used to rise to occasions, and my nephew was thrown by them and would act out or tantrum. He really was hard work in general, and it was hard for her to see my two being well behaved and socialising easily.

Fast forward to the future, and my nephew turned out a lovely lad. If anything he might be more confident and together than my two!

Btw I frequently compare DS to other children, and feel sad that he isn't more adventurous/confident/etc.

Then I have those other children in my house for a few hours and mentally apologise profusely to DS and take it all back!!

OP, I know exactly how you feel, both my dd’s we’re the same (more so dd1), both now have a diagnosis of ASD, it made me feel so sad seeing others having fun whilst mine struggled. Dd1 is now 15 and doesn’t have many friends, the ones she does have are similar to her (socially awkward), dd2 is at a sn school and doing really well but will always struggle with socialising and social events. We have had to go home early from many things. All you can do is focus on wether they are happy, my dd2 is very happy running around on her own and not joining in with others, if another child approaches her and asks her to join them then sometimes she will, other times she will just run off and play alone. My eldest just can’t handle being around other people, she has strong views on everything which can cause arguments.

What happens when you give him eat defenders to wear in noisy places?

Mine gets overwhelmed at cinema, plays, sometimes even from other children shouting excitedly in the classrooms, yet at other times can successfully tune out the same type of noise. It’s how much they’re able to cope with at any one time rather than “type” of noise.

Ear not eat defenders

He goes to respite care?

He must have quite a significant disability then?

If he has spent quite a lot of time separated from you then maybe he has an attachment disorder rather than ASD?

The over familiarity with adult strangers could be a sign of a dysfunctional attachment.

It sounds like he’s had some early trauma/loss, what I’d do is read into some of the materials on this and its impact on a D.C.

I just feel like I'm failing to give him all these marvelous opportunities.

The most marvellous opportunity you can give him is love and acceptance. Meet him where he is.

Have you read, ^The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read"? I came across it on a MN chat and haven't finished it yet (so I am not in a position to recommend it). But. There's a brilliant early chapter that gets us to consider our process around what behaviours we find intolerable in children.

For example, you have concerns about your son's disinclination to try new experiences(?). What would have happened in your childhood if you had been reluctant to get stuck in, play with strange children, go on the ride etc? What would your parents have done and how would you have felt?
By exploring our answers, the book argues, we come to a better place of acceptance and understanding for our child.

Hi try reading up on the highly sensitive person. They’re typically the type that like sitting and watching, weighing up the situation before joining in, get overwhelmed easily but are kind, caring and later have much empathy. Tend to be thinkers. Unlikely to want to be centre of attention.

What time does he usually go to bed? He's only just 4 and evening receptions generally start around 7.30.

You say he was largely ok during the day (apart from the horrible bit where he had to perform in public, can't imagine anyone enjoying being a bridesmaid/pageboy personally). Are you sure he just wasn't tired?

You also said the little ones aren't even two so that's normal that they would manage a nap, not easy for a four year old though.

He chats away to strangers, sings, likes McDonald's, has a meltdown when your phone is removed. Sounds like any 3/4 year old to me.

Try not to put too much pressure on. Yourself and him. Have you never taken him swimming at all?

Sorry, completely missed the part where he goes to respite care. Well, then yes, he'll be different in his social behaviour to his cousins if they don't have a disability. But he is who he is and it sounds like he did cope quite well overall. Weddings are stressful even for kids!

Also here to offer reassurance! My eldest DS was also a nightmare at parties (would NEVER join in), hated the loud noise of busy swimming pools/cinemas etc and I was spoken to several times by his first primary school because he would hang back in the playground and just chat to the teachers rather than join in with his peers. Gradual change occurred starting around year 4 (a while after a change of school due to move). By the end of primary he was a sociable child who was happy and able to get along with anyone. I was always so envious of those people whose children always took any event in their stride but you have to take a deep breath and remember they all develop at different rates💐

Ooooh yes - what lifeover said in addition to my post! That’s ds more or less to a T...though these days he’ll walk away/take himself out the situation sensibly before getting overwhelmed!