To not want PIL to stay with us when the baby is born

[Rotorua]

Sorry for the long post. So we are expecting our first born in the beginning of November. PIL live in India and want to come to stay with us for at least a month around the time when the baby is born to help us out. Last year they stayed with us for one month (that was the first time they stayed with us) and it did not go so greatly. DH is blaming our small appartment for all the problems. Now we are in process of buying a bigger 3 bedroom house with 1 bathroom and 1 toilet, and DH thinks it will make a difference. DH is working in contracting at the moment and is starting his own business, so he says we will need the help as he might not be able to take a long leave. PIL are nice people, but I felt really suffocated in my own home when they were staying, and I am not used to long visits. They do speak English, but all their family talks are in Hindi, as I don’t speak it I’m always the odd one out and feel uncomfortable.
Now I am having discussions with DH about them staying with us when the baby is born. I am putting my foot down that I don’t want anyone staying over at least the first 3 months after the baby is born. DH says that will crush them and they really want to see a newborn, not a 3 month old baby.

We were thinking of getting them an AirBnB, but my worry is that they will then anyway stay with us all day long and leave only in the evening, because they don’t go out much during the day and don’t eat outside, so they would only come to us.

AIBU for not letting them come? Maybe you have some positive stories about PIL staying over after the baby is born.

We are trying to come up with a solution, but so far it looks like there isn’t a solution that could make everyone happy. DH says it will be what I want at the end of the day, but at the same time he says I am alienating him from his family...

DH says it will be what I want at the end of the day, but at the same time he says I am alienating him from his family

No problem. He can go stay with his family. Don’t let him guilt trip you, OP. You’ll never get this time with your baby back and if it they come and it’s as difficult as you’re expecting, you’ll end up resenting him.

Tell him you need to put your relationship with your baby first.

YANBU.

PP is an extremely important time for a mother. If your DH won't get on board, I'd suggest that YOU go stay at the AirBnB and YOU will take the baby over at YOUR convenience.

If he won't see reason you may need to consider marriage counselling.

DH says that will crush them and they really want to see a newborn, not a 3 month old baby.

What the fuck? That is batshit. How very rude. Your DH needs to get a grip! You and baby should be his priority not his selfish parents.

You’re having the baby. You get what you want, and it’s perfectly understandable you would rather do without the ‘help’ if it comes with responsibility of feeding and looking after two people with whom you don’t share a language. All our families live abroad and we had no visitors for three weeks because of exactly this issue.

Your needs have to come first and I agree if PIL turn up even at air B and B you’re going to have them under your feet non stop.

Close friend who’s wife is Indian had a similar experience but as the father he deferred to the mother’s wishes. He did however end up in a row with lots of in-laws because they harassed his DW (tried to ignore him) for giving the baby a western name.

You know what's funny? EVERY single one of these men who try to bully their wives into this 'work long hours' or 'work away' and ditch their wives with their parents.

Balls to that! NO. Just put your foot down. They're not coming till later. You might be in that bathroom all the time after the birth.

Your husband married moved to the UK and married a married someone from a western background.
Why would he be expect to be able to force Indian customs on you?

Stay strong OP. You don’t want to be hosting just after you’ve given birth. If it didn’t go well last time, nothing will change this time, other than the fact you will be knackered, feeding constantly and hormonal! It’s such a recipe for disaster.
Just say no.

YANBU. If they want to come.and visit they need to stay in a hotel/ AirBNB/ serviced apartment. And then you can decide if you want them 'helping'. Some parents/ PIL are really helpful. Some just want to cuddle the baby and be hosted. Also,tlh have no idea how you will feel. I quite enjoyed having visitors (but no overnight guests!) In the early weeks. I was pretty much topless for a.lot of the time - especially at night - and really didn't want people staying with us during that time. Conversely, it was lovely to have coffee and people (friends and family) pop by for a cup of tea and a chat.

YANBU.
Don't be bullied into it; if you change your mind after baby comes then fine but you need to do what is best for you when you bring your baby home! Would you feel comfortable having them there if you decide to breastfeed, boobs out all the time?! It can be hard and you need to be comfortable. You and DH will be knackered and while he may feel great having his folks there to help it's just not the same when it's not your parents.
You are allowed to say you want family time the 3 of you. DH should just support your wishes.
My husband thought we could go to stay at his parents (200miles away) when our baby was due. After he was born he said he realised how ludicrous he'd been and was glad we were home and alone to muddle through!

There’s a thread in relationship titled ‘inlaws’ Where a woman basically has this issue and is about a week or two into a six week visit! There might be some helpful advice on there for you as well as your own thread OP.

Sounds bloody awful.

What about saying that they can come-for two weeks only but stay nearby.

Even if they travel to the UK, you can still say 'no visitors today'. Especially if you're going to be host whisky your husband works.

Put your foot down or you will be invaded by them. It is extremely unreasonable, IMO, to stay with anyone who’s just had a baby and even more so to actually want to stay for so long. How are you supposed to wander round at 3am trying to establish breastfeeding or soothe the baby to sleep without waking up your pil? Will they try to take over?

Its difficult to know what it's going to be like
Physically you could be in pain from tearing/ being cut, leaking boobs, wetting yourself etc. If you breastfeed you might have your boobs out all the time. Basically all things that might make you uncomfortable if you dont have a close relationship with them

My mum stayed for a few weeks after the birth and I couldn't have done without her - she knows our house and routines very well though and cooked, cleaned, washed, gardened and then took the baby when I wanted a shower or a nap

If you dont know them that well its difficult to know how they'll be. Do you think they would genuinely be a help or woujd you have to host them?

Is there any compromise eg come at 1 month old for 2 weeks? Is there anyone else in the family they could stay with?

YANBU
No-one is staying here for first 3 months. MIL tried to insist (she lives abroad), but we’ve said no. Fortunately DH agrees as they are LC anyway and neither of us want her “help”.
My mum has offered but understands why we’ve declined. I am ok with day guests, so my family will visit but not stay (they are 1.5hrs away). MIL can stay with other family in UK if she likes and also do day visits (she won’t though as she chooses to not speak to her huge family). Her problem, not mine.

We will invite overnight guests when we are good and ready but I expect this to be 3 months+

Ask him when his ils can stay for a month?

I've had parents and inlaws visit from about 2 weeks after birth, but for 3-5 days at a time, and they've been the useful sort who will clean, cook or hold baby while I shower/nap. Even the most useful visitors are a bit much after a few days, a month would be difficult.

Would it be possible to break up their visit with them visiting somewhere else? Or, if you don't think they'll be useful, fob them off for a while, but there is a lot to be said for having someone who will help you get sleep while you're exhausted.

He wants to look good and save face at your expense, OP. Sorry, I'm from this background myself, and you're the daughter-in-law. You'll be expected to play host and keep them entertained and be dutiful, IME. NO. No AirB&B compromises, either, unless he takes the whole month off.

This is a classic clash of culture. Indian families will congregate around a new family with the aim of helping the mum rest post delivery. This can come across as intrusive and controlling because they will offer to co sleep with and tend to baby (a big no no here, but v common in India), helping with feeding (as in india a massive media blitz means most families consider formula superior to breast milk and so will try to slant things towards formula), cooking and cleaning. There is also a period when mum and baby do not go out(anything from 2 weeks to a month) and mum is given a special high fat diet.

I dealt with it by putting family in charge of cooking and feeding the son, helping with batch cooking (and everyday cooking for me when I was exhausted)for me according to my recipes (so I had a full fridge after they left), massaging and bathing baby (it was only 1 month and I had baby to myself afterwards) while I napped and shopping as required. We fell into a habit of me taking a mid morning 2 hour nap everyday (when baby was massaged, bathed handed to me for feed and then we both slept), and enjoying tea at 4pm when mum in law would tell us stories about her experiences. There were visitors, but family was in charge of seeing to them. My job was to look after baby. This may not have been everyone's experience but I felt so much stronger and rested at the end of the month.

Of course, if in laws won't help, there is nothing stopping u from visiting ur family for a long time....that is also an Indian custom. If they can't help because of unfamiliarity or language, then guide them as much as possible.

Good luck. It's a beautiful time for u n hubby. Enjoy it.

Yanbu.

It depends if they actually help or if they just want to be looked after as guests!

My pils come from overseas for a month at a time and we have the same issues with language barrier/cultural differences. We now have a 4-bed house with the master and ensuite in the converted loft, and the guest room also has an ensuite so everybody has their own space and there's no awkwardness over the bathrooms. Mil likes to cook and take care of everyone. When we lived in a flat it was much harder as we were all in each other's pockets and there was no privacy!

As for breastfeeding, Fil initially left the room when I fed DD. But once he saw me feed openly in public he realised I'm not embarrassed for him to see, and now he doesn't seem bothered by it.

This time they're coming to stay for 6 weeks, arriving 2 weeks before I'm due. I'm actually looking forward to having them here, and having their support looking after DD and DH!

Thank you all for the responses. Seems like my fears were right.
My mom passed away when I was little, and my relationship to my dad is difficult (I haven't told him about the pregnancy yet), and I am not expecting him to visit us at all. And I think that's one of the reasons why PIL want to come and help.

I think MIL would be helpful with cooking, but last time they were here the house was a mess and I don't think I want to deal with that and a newborn.

DH also says that they already weren't invited to our wedding (we had an intimate ceremony for just the two of us) and now I am not letting his parents see their first grandchild.

Newborns are boring! They just sleep, feed and cry. Your PIL would much prefer to see a smiling interactive baby, surely? Anyways, YANBU in not wanting them tonl come. I'd beware of the AirBnB idea, I'm of Indian heritage and I'd wager they just wouldn't stay in it and would be under your feet all the time anyway

Surely he agreed on the ‘small intimate wedding’? So he can’t throw that back in your face.
Say you don’t want their ‘help’ and it will cause you lots of stress which isn’t good for the baby. Of course they can visit. For a few hours at some point when you’re ready. Be firm.