To not want PIL to stay with us when the baby is born

[Rotorua]

Sorry for the long post. So we are expecting our first born in the beginning of November. PIL live in India and want to come to stay with us for at least a month around the time when the baby is born to help us out. Last year they stayed with us for one month (that was the first time they stayed with us) and it did not go so greatly. DH is blaming our small appartment for all the problems. Now we are in process of buying a bigger 3 bedroom house with 1 bathroom and 1 toilet, and DH thinks it will make a difference. DH is working in contracting at the moment and is starting his own business, so he says we will need the help as he might not be able to take a long leave. PIL are nice people, but I felt really suffocated in my own home when they were staying, and I am not used to long visits. They do speak English, but all their family talks are in Hindi, as I don’t speak it I’m always the odd one out and feel uncomfortable.
Now I am having discussions with DH about them staying with us when the baby is born. I am putting my foot down that I don’t want anyone staying over at least the first 3 months after the baby is born. DH says that will crush them and they really want to see a newborn, not a 3 month old baby.

We were thinking of getting them an AirBnB, but my worry is that they will then anyway stay with us all day long and leave only in the evening, because they don’t go out much during the day and don’t eat outside, so they would only come to us.

AIBU for not letting them come? Maybe you have some positive stories about PIL staying over after the baby is born.

We are trying to come up with a solution, but so far it looks like there isn’t a solution that could make everyone happy. DH says it will be what I want at the end of the day, but at the same time he says I am alienating him from his family...

Its an asian thing. This is the first of many things 'you must do', which involve you giving up things and your husband not getting an earful from his parents.

I disagree. There is a lot of excellent research on Hindu fundamentalism and much of that is fully Hindu diasporic Hindus. Having said that India just elected Modi resoundingly so I don’t want to pretend that Hindus in India are somehow way more enlightened.
Our kids are culturally Hindu, but nominally. They know the names of the gods, what Diwali, Holi and Durga Pujo is. They know how to conduct themselves in a temple. They can eat with their hands. Otherwise they are basically Londoners!

Please don’t generalise. It’s not an ‘Asian’ anything. It’s like saying ‘wearing short skirts and getting drunk’ is a ‘white thing.’ Some Asians do it. Many don’t. Some do modified sensible versions of it. Some are happy to have family around. Some are not. Asia is a big place eih? More than a few billion of us. Let’s not make sweeping statements.

@tomatosalt
Nice bit of xenophobia!

I'm Indian, as is my DH. No way would I have had inlaws over in the first three months. When my DD was born my MIL came over once she was 5 months old and stayed for a month. My DH's brother and SIL have recently had a baby, and her parents are with them now. My MIL still hasn't seen the 3 month old in person, and will probably see the baby only in August.

The period right after giving birth is about the newborn but also about the woman who has given birth. You don't need to be waiting on ILs then. Your husband is being ridiculous. Most Indian women go to their mothers' homes for 3 months to give birth and be "looked after".. almost no one stays with their in laws then. Assuming they are traditional people, this isn't even something that is reasonable for them to expect!

@wizzywig - the real ‘Asian’ thing is for adult sons (and daughters) to take on the parental role for their parents, take care of them (financially at least if not physically), and tell them what to do. But that’s because a lot of ‘Asian’ parents will spend their last pennies to get their kids into expensive universities and better lives abroad.

@PurpleCrazyHorse that's a good idea. I am all for a compromise and want them to feel welcomed. I just wanted to listen to advice from other mum's to know after how many weeks they think it's alright to receive overnight or all-day long visitors as I don't have much experience with this. MIL would help with cooking, but I know they can't clean, so it would be entirely my or DH's responsibility, and I am sure there would be more mess after 4 people than it is right now.

@HappyDinosaur I am not saying no to any visits, just asking them to be considerate and respect that during early days I need my privacy. It's difficult to imagine how I would feel with my own grandchild, but I am sure I wouldn't put them in a situation where I expect to stay overnight against their wishes. When my parents had my sister we didn't have overnight visitors, just couple relatives came to the hospital to see the my sister and then take us home, as we didn't have a car. So it's difficult for me to go from naturally not wanting anyone staying with us to PIL staying with us for more than a month

@ZaphodBeeblerox Did your inlaws not insist at all on coming to see the newborn? Or you just set your own rules when they should visit?

I think they wouldn't insist on coming to stay with us for so long if my parents were there, but you never know, maybe it would be the same if they were staying with us. I would just really want for them to ask me personally when I would like them to visit, as DH says they are coming here to take care of me and the baby. But so far all this has been talked about behind my back

My in laws didn’t because they assumed my mum would. But then when my mum broke her foot (trying to save a kitten, don’t ask!) MIL stepped in. The expectation was that we wouldn’t be alone post birth (or I wouldn’t be). So my sister came, then MIL. Then we had a big break and then my mum came when I went back to work. Second time around my mum came first, and then MIL came when I went back to work.
The expectations were around making sure I was cared for, not around the rights of the PIL, if that makes sense.

@PotolBabu thank you for explaining things to me. I'm still quite new to all these cultural differences as you can guess I hope the kitten is fine I think the main problem lies with me not being fully comfortable around them. So I don't think it's such a great idea for me personally. Maybe next time

@zaphod is Indian (I presume) and so it wouldn’t have mattered. Similar ceremonies would have been performed no matter which side of the family took care of her.

In my family daughters in law don’t go home at all and mil would take care of you. My mum cooked, cleaned, and supported sil through the worst aspects of pnd and preclamsia so all sil needed to do was spend time with the baby. They probably spent about 3 months living together before sil felt confident enough to go home. My mum was similarly supported by my gran - but my gran used to also wake up in the middle of the night to make up milk bottles / change nappies / help us go to the toilet so mum could sleep. She lived with us permanently though.

In my husband’s family tradition is for the parents of daughters to come to the daughter’s house. But in the case of dh’s sister she married into a family with a culture similar to mine, so she had both her mum and mil in the house at the same time. She didn’t really want either of them around but admitted that they really helped when it came to housework etc.

One of my cousins is married to a white-Irish guy, and his mum came over straight after birth for a month to support them (as is the tradition in their family - nothing to do with Indian culture there) and so cousin’s mum only came to visit baby / perform the ceremonies.

Now my mil and I don’t get on at all. But she will probably come for a few months from birth after the baby is born, perform her ceremonies, look after me and my dh as best as she can, and go. She wants my mum to be there too but that’s because I don’t talk to her and mum does. I will accept her presence because I want my DH to be happy. If privacy is the main worry the nursery could be arranged with everything you need to give you that (including a lock). Breast and bottle feeding is something private in Indian culture anyway - nobody will bat an eyelid if you take the baby away for a few hours to feed if you want some alone time. But excluding altogether doesn’t seem right

maybe the compromise can be that they come when baby is 6 to 8 weeks old, that gives you time to heal, time to get breastfeeding established and to get into a routine, and that when you are in the room they must all speak English so that you don't feel excluded in your own home and that you will not be waiting on anyone and your husband needs to spend time with them and not leave you alone to do it all, he needs to be there so you don't feel you have to entertain them
and if FIL doesn't like seeing a baby eating then he can put a cover over his own head until baby has finished

But why should OP have to go somewhere else to have privacy when it is her home? And it’s great if your own culture is having relatives come to stay and look after you, and you are used to that idea and happy for that to happen. But it isn’t OP’s culture which means she isn’t used to it, and from what she has posted here, is not totally comfortable and happy with the idea. And I imagine for every few positive experiences of relatives staying post-birth there is likely to be at least one negative one from someone else. Combine all this, with the fact that OP doesn’t know them all that well, is excluded from conversations, and the tension that occurred during their last visit and it’s pretty clear why she isn’t overly keen about the prospect.

Yes the language issue is a big one. My in laws speak English (only language we have in common as we speak mutually incomprehensible Indian languages), and are relatively Westernised. So I could ask MIL to pop to Sainsbury’s etc but also I could communicate with her easily and vice versa.
I agree that it’s what the OP feels comfortable with. In theory having family to support you post birth is wonderful but to each their own.

Good luck OP, my overbearing British PILS came to stay for three weeks after my DC was born. They stayed in an apartment but were in our flat 24/7 expecting to be waited on. I had severe birth injuries and was physically in a bad way. Luckily my baby was good. They insisted on taking baby out for walks etc which I didn’t want, MIL sat next to the bed while I was breastfeeding and told me I was doing it wrong. MIL exclaimed “oh she really has been unwell” when she saw me, after a 5 day long fight for my life after contracting an infection during a 52 hour labour, implying I had been a drama queen. She took over and didn’t let my DH bond properly. I could go on. I have never forgiven them or my DH nearly 8 years later. Don’t allow it.

@Teddybear45 Personally I find it completely unacceptable to even think I would need to hide to breastfeed. It's my house, if they are not ok with me having my boobs out in whichever room I want then it is their problem, and that's why Airbnb will be offered.
If I wasn't getting along with PIL there wouldn't even be a question about them coming over to stay with us when the baby is born. I don't see why I should put myself through unnecessary stress when childbirth might be stressful enough already. Fortunately, we do kinda get along. Just haven't reached that level of comfort yet.

@asprinklingofsugar thank you! Those are exactly my thoughts!! I shouldn't feel the need to hide in my own home.

@Queenunikitty Ohh no, that sounds like a nightmare Probably their intentions were good as well, it just doesn't always work out that way I guess.
I don't want to resent my PIL afterwards when I know how many things can go wrong.

Look it will a nightmare. Those saying ‘compromise’, telling you lovely stories of how it was fine for them are in completely different situations.

We’re all different. You will struggle to breastfeed if you have to hide in your own home. That’s a fact. You will be hormonal and then you have to deal with language barriers and hosting.

You have a 2 bedroom apartment with one bathroom. What happens when the baby is crying in the night and won’t settle? It will be stressful.

I basically sat around with my boobs out and cried on the baby from time to time and never got dressed. I had stitches that became infected so could barely walk.

No compromise. They can visit the baby when it suits you and they can stay in a hotel.

It’s taken me a long time to accept my in laws. And even then things are frosty. I think they were genuinely upset by our marriage - they seemed to want something else for him. I’m practical and pragmatic and they think I’m cold and unfeeling. They looked after my children for the first time last month and my eldest is 5.

But a lot of the tension comes from the fact that they wanted to be here when baby was born. Thy wanted us to be looked after, but I’m not really a being looked after person and childbirth utterly broke me. I’m fiercely independent and needed my own space to heal after birth.

I think I would probably have done the same again, but I suspect that it was hard for them and they felt pushed out. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling comfortable. It will come in time

@stillworkingitout I think we are quite similar in this way. I'm also very independent and moved out of my parent's house when I was 16, it's difficult for me to deal with these long stays and J need my private space.
Hopefully my PIL don't feel too pushed out and will try to understand where I am coming from.

Anyways thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. It will definitely give me something to think about. I will have a talk with DH again today and will see where we go from there x

@chamenagned I love you, you are very funny

@teddybear45 I think you've got some baggage and you're taking it out on the OP. Lots of people choose not to raise their kids religious, whatever faith they were raised in themselves. Perfectly valid choice.

@Rotoura I think you're getting a hard time here. After you give birth you are entitled to do things however you feel comfortable, and DH needs to facilitate that. Can you appease in laws with a long-ish stay near where they live while your baby is still little?

@LittleGwyneth unfortunately, visiting them is not an option and we all agree on that (at least something we can agree on ). There is quite bad pollution all year long where they live and none of us thinks that we should expose the baby to unnecessary harm. That's why them visiting us is the only option for them to see their grandchild.

Sorry for not coming back earlier. I’m Indian and so is DH but from different parts. We didn’t give MiL any choice really - just said we’d love you to visit and this is when we’d like you to come. But my mum was here for months before and there was no space even to stay at ours so it wasn’t an option.