To not want PIL to stay with us when the baby is born

[Rotorua]

Sorry for the long post. So we are expecting our first born in the beginning of November. PIL live in India and want to come to stay with us for at least a month around the time when the baby is born to help us out. Last year they stayed with us for one month (that was the first time they stayed with us) and it did not go so greatly. DH is blaming our small appartment for all the problems. Now we are in process of buying a bigger 3 bedroom house with 1 bathroom and 1 toilet, and DH thinks it will make a difference. DH is working in contracting at the moment and is starting his own business, so he says we will need the help as he might not be able to take a long leave. PIL are nice people, but I felt really suffocated in my own home when they were staying, and I am not used to long visits. They do speak English, but all their family talks are in Hindi, as I don’t speak it I’m always the odd one out and feel uncomfortable.
Now I am having discussions with DH about them staying with us when the baby is born. I am putting my foot down that I don’t want anyone staying over at least the first 3 months after the baby is born. DH says that will crush them and they really want to see a newborn, not a 3 month old baby.

We were thinking of getting them an AirBnB, but my worry is that they will then anyway stay with us all day long and leave only in the evening, because they don’t go out much during the day and don’t eat outside, so they would only come to us.

AIBU for not letting them come? Maybe you have some positive stories about PIL staying over after the baby is born.

We are trying to come up with a solution, but so far it looks like there isn’t a solution that could make everyone happy. DH says it will be what I want at the end of the day, but at the same time he says I am alienating him from his family...

No. I urge you to stay strong and do what is best for you. It's going to be the most precious time of your life, not a time to be entertaining guests who don't speak the same language at you. Air bnb nearby when the baby is a few weeks old would be a very reasonable compromise

I would not have in laws over immediately post partum for a month!

Tell your H he is most welcome to take the entire month off and attend to his parents and ensure the house is kept clean and cooking done whilst you rest with baby.

As for your wedding, presumably it was a joint decision to have a small intimate ceremony without his parents, that’s was his choice and not something you have to spend the rest of your life atoning for.

Your husband sounds really uncaring.

@ItsSetInStone Yes, I think you are right about the Airbnb idea. Last time they were here they went out for for a walk for maybe 30 min a day and rest of the time spent inside, so Airbnb for them would probably be just a place to sleep.

I don't think they would expect me personally to entertain them. But last time DH found it difficult to deal with their whims, and I just want to be selfish and have him deal only with my needs when the baby is here.

Yes, the small intimate wedding wasn't only my idea.
I think I am portraying DH as a bully here. He is not. He always puts everyone else's needs first and always tries to keep everyone happy. Just this time I think both sides can't be happy no matter how hard we try

It's very important to establishing breastfeeding that you are with the baby all the time in the first month or so, and the baby is not being taken away constantly by visitors and only being given back for a feed when IL's say so.

You could end up with a c-section and be quite immobile for the first 2 weeks, along with the day 3 weepies, leaking boobs, bleeding vagina, possibly stitches etc. You won't be up to hosting. A more reasonable suggestion would be a 1 week visit after a month. No visit needs to be for a month or more!

It’s not really about them and he should see that. Their need to see the baby doesn’t trump your needs. You and the baby should be the most important thing to him at this time.

Ok going against the tide here, if family live a long distance away them coming for 2+ weeks is completely understandable, my parents did. You also married someone from outside of the U.K. so you knew you would need to compromise on some things, and how close families are can't be a shock. I think the compromise is they come for 2-3 weeks rather than a month and they come one month after your due date, so your baby is at least 2 weeks old. But if your dh is not able to get time off (contractors don't get paid paternity leave) and you for instance had a c-section your pil could be very handy if mil is willing to help cook, clean etc. It's hard but it's his parents and it's normal for them so tread carefully

Newborns are boring! They just sleep, feed and cry. Your PIL would much prefer to see a smiling interactive baby, surely?

Fucks sake, I think this is so disingenuous - of course new grandparents will want to see their grandchild once it arrives. Don't make them out to be arseholes just because they'd like to see their grandchild when they first arrive, a new grandchild is a big deal and I'm sure my parents would be champing at the bit to come and see my babies as soon as possible. And newborns are not boring, not to those who love and cherish them.

That being said, I wouldn't be arsed with having family stay for a month, nor would I be doing cleaning/cooking/running around. They come, they stay in an Airbnb or hotel where someone else can look after them... or they look after themselves.

I think perhaps an element of compromise here will go a long way.
They come for 1-2 weeks. Not a month!
They come a bit earlier but not right away.
And as a previous poster suggested, if they are coming to "help" then direct them to what you want them to do that will actually be most helpful. Make it work for you!

In Indian culture, families help a lot when a woman has a baby. The mother and baby are often given lots of time and space to bond, recover and rest while family does all the cooking and cleaning.
Maybe that’s their intention as well as seeing the baby?
I hated having anyone except my mum and dh around when I was recovering and in pain with stitches and sore boobs so it wouldn’t have felt helpful to me to have in laws to stay no matter how much they cooked and cleaned.
I’d definitely wait a few weeks before having them to stay if you do.

Don't do it!
I had PIL come stay for 4 nights when our first baby was born and it was a bloody nightmare. Not only are you exhausted and want your own space, they also stick their noses in too much and you just can't get away. We're due baby 2 soon and I've said no, they can stay in a hotel but not in my house and I don't want them sat over us all day long. I want time to bond with my baby alone and as our family unit, not with the extended family

@Strokethefurrywall

Maybe it was just me then! Lol! I much preferred later visitors (as in 3 months plus) cos LO was doing more. That being said my MIL came to stay within the first week and DM was at the hospital the next morning. I guess you're right, its different with grandparents but nonetheless if it's a long trip and not something they can do regularly, visiting when the baby isn't just sleeping and feeding might be a nicer time for all involved. Especially if OP has had a chance to adjust to a new baby by then.

@Beechview not necessarily. It's a nice idea but doesn't sound like OPs PIL fall.into that category

Yanbu.
A newborn, guests and only one bathroom sounds like hell.

For the first 6 weeks I bleed really heavily, I was torn and needed to bath my bits a lot, I needed time and space to change pads and found moving around really hard. I leaked milk all the time and my nipples were so sore. Yes I had visitors but no I certainly wouldn't of wanted people there all the time. Stick to your guns and give yourself time to recover and bond with baby. The first couple of months go so quickly.

Don't do it!
My in-laws stayed with us for 2 weeks after my son was born. They arrived pretty much as soon as we got out of hospital as we were in for 4 days and he was 10 days overdue; they had planned to come two weeks after he was born. They are lovely people but speak no English and I can mostly understand but not speak their language, and we lived in a 2 bed apartment at the time so it was very cramped.

I struggled to breastfeed which I think was a direct result of their stay, as I couldn't do much skin-to-skin as felt awkward doing so in the living room, and any time I tried to stay in the bedroom with the baby my partner would complain and say I was being selfish as his parents wanted to spend time with him as they wouldn't see him again for a few months. It was the same when I was trying to feed. I got quite depressed about it.

I'm now pregnant with no.2 (due this week) and have said from the start they are not staying until the baby is at least a few months old. They are coming over end of August so she'll be almost 3 months by then, this was actually his mum's idea as I think she knew how it affected me last time.

Sorry to be negative but I think if you're worried about it, you need to insist on them waiting until the baby is a little older.

YANBU and if you say yes now and you'll find it harder to say no next time.

Next time they may want to take your baby over night, next time they want to stay all of Christmas, next time ...say no now!!

I can see why they want to see baby very soon, but staying at your house is not going to be feasible. I was thinking what I would do. I would like to visit baby asap but would then think about doing a sightseeing tour of the country being visited staying in hotels etc. I would help if the mum wanted but sometimes it is more stressful having help than being left alone.

Mil came and visited in hospital. Much easier.

I think you should ask them what their intentions are if they come to stay. Explain that you’re happy for them to cook and clean but it’s not your job to host them. Hopefully you can compromise.

I’ll tell you my experience. I am Indian. My MIL came. She cooked. She cleaned. She kept the house spotless. She held DS1 when I needed a nap. She massively encouraged my breastfeeding. (Breastfeeding rates in India are MUCH higher than the UK). I was required to do nothing for 40 days but feed, watch box sets and sleep when I needed to. She would come and take DS1 from me at 5 am so I could again get a decent chunk of sleep. She said roughly this is what her mother had done for her. My own mum didn’t come because she had broken her foot.
When DS2 was born my mum came and basically did the same. She cooked. She cleaned. She looked after DS1 who was 5. Would put him to bed if I needed it. Again massively helped with breastfeeding.
But I like my in laws. They are a bit batshit but lovely. And neither DH nor I mind our parents coming for long visits (it’s the only way they will get to know their grandkids). So it works. For us.
It doesn’t work for you. So say no. And the whole wedding thing is bollocks. Surely he also agreed to it.

I think I would find a way to compromise with them. You have a long life ahead with them involved, and you may come to see them differently. It seems a pity to alienate them.

Potol I have to agree and disagree with you. I think it's because you are Indian you could handle that level of involvement from your in laws. I am indian too so I know what's to expect. BUT I would have felt very suffocated as I wanted to do all of the baby work between myself and dh. DH is a very hands on dad so we didnt feel that extra hands imposing in our space was necessary.
Op if you are not from the same background and culture, you will find this extremely suffocating. As well as you both not on the same page, there is bound to be problema arising between you and your dh. He is already starting with the 'they will be crushed' stories from now. They will get here and all he will see is them trying to dote and help you, while you will see them taking over your precious time with your DC.
I honestly wouldnt allow it. Why is them being upset at seeing a 3 month old more important than the childs mother wanting her space and privacy with her new baby?

I did all the baby work. MIL did everything else. DH is very hands on. We are very much equal parents. But the basic idea (and it’s prevalent in India, Japan etc) js that women need to recover from childbirth and rest. They need to bond with and focus on their baby. So everything else is taken care of for them while they do that. I mean I sat on the sofa, fed, changed nappies and MIL brought me endless cups of tea and food. It was great. But yes it was fine because I like them a lot. MIL went away for a weekend and my sister subbed in.

YANBU at all.
I didnt even let my own parents stay in our house when my babies were born. They rented a nearby Airbnb both times. (They live abroad) and I'm quite close to them.
And theres no way idve let my in laws come round for more than a couple of hours at a time in the first few weeks. In fact with my son they came over for an hour when he was a week old and I just stayed upstairs in bed (was injured from the birth tbf) No one complained about any of that to me because they are all decent people who do not view childbirth as some sort of show for them to go and be entertained by.

Do not be guilted into compromising your personal boundaries. The MOST important thing is that you and the baby recover from the birth well and bond well. So you do whatever you need to do that.
If your husband cannot put the needs of his wife and child first he doesnt deserve a second thought tbh.
His parents can come and visit the baby when you and they baby are ready. You dont know until the baby is here how long that's actually going to be. Some births are completely fine and you might be happy having them round the next day or even on the recovery ward.... but some births can be very difficult and you may need time to recover psychologically and physically. Tell your husband you cannot promise anything to anyone and it's really really not a good idea to tell people they can stay in your home for that long at that time. Because you have literally no idea how it's going to pan out.

Good luck and stay strong. You dont need to feel guilty about this. You are protecting you and your baby.

Oh OP, I feel for you on this one. I had my 1st DC last year, my parents dont live near, when they visited, they were fantastic and stayed locally instead of at ours which they would normally have done, and I was so grateful. The first while after having a baby is so overwhelming, you need space. Especially if you are breastfeeding, until you are into the swing of things.
Stick by what you want. An Airbnb is a great idea. You'll end up bitter towards them if they are invading your time and space with baby. Good luck with it all

My mum stayed for a few weeks after the birth and I couldn't have done without her - she knows our house and routines very well though and cooked, cleaned, washed, gardened and then took the baby when I wanted a shower or a nap

We were abroad and had no 'help' at all, brilliant it was too, but where one grandparent is given unfettered access, even if it's the maternal grandmother, I always feel sorry for the paternal grandparents who are treated like Joe Public and have to beg to see the child. To be honest I don't see why anyone needs that degree of 'help', my SIL was the same, her parents almost moved in for some reason.

Having a baby is so extraordinary and it is hard to anticipate how you will feel.

I know I just wanted days to unfold and if that meant sitting with the baby or staying in bed with the baby, that was what I did.

I could not have coped with people staying under any circumstances.

Be careful of men who want to keep everyone happy because on MN that usually translates that their wives end up being the ones being a accommodating.

Also if he's not going to be around, even more reason that you may not want people under your feet.

Being post partum is a very delicate time for a woman, and the stress of having people you don't want staying, you pushing your feelings down, feeling your needs are not being considered is enough to give you the blues.

It's such a special time. Put what you need and want first. End of.

Don't be guilted into anything or you will simmer with resentment.