To ask you for the perfect age gap?

[TeethingAstronaut]

DP and I currently have a 5 month old. We both would like more children one day soon (within the next five years) but are struggling to decide when we should start trying for another baby. I also have a history of twin pregnancies in the family (I have twin siblings).

I think we should start trying again soon as growing up with close age gaps was fun for me and I'd like DS to have that and get nappies and breastfeeding out of the way more quickly. DP had bigger age gaps in his family and often felt lonely.

DP thinks we should wait a while and get through the sleepless nights and weaning and start trying when DS is around 15 months, possibly having a second if we conceive quickly by the time DS is 2. DS currently is still awake every couple of hours and naps are a bit of a nightmare though we're both aware this may change a lot. DS was also conceived in the first month of trying.

So we thought we'd put it out there for others to give us advice. What do you think is the best age gap for a great bond that still allows for sleep and sanity? What have your experiences been like with small or slightly bigger age gaps?

Thank you for getting to the end

I'm planning on a 4/5yr age gap as i don't want to be at home with both of them i want eldest at school so i can enjoy the newborn stage. Thats if we have a second we may just stick with 1.

I was an only child, which i lived. My partner comes from a big family but is closest to his brother who is 9 years older. he wasn't as a kid, but now as adults. Thats what i want, you're an adult for longer than you are a child. His younger brother is 3 years younger than they don't ever talk, and have nothing in common

We just went and did it to get it over and done with as soon as possible. We were fortunate enough we were able to. It was excruciatingly hard for a few years, a lot of this to do with a very very high needs firstborn. But I wouldn't change their age gaps for anything. Personally it just works for us and our situation.

There's exactly 5 years between our two DC and it's lovely. They're close enough to be mates but DS1 was also old enough to deal with the new arrival of DS2, and had just started Reception when he was born so DS2 and I had daytimes together. They're 13 and 8 now and still spend a lot of time together outside of school. It helps that they have similar hobbies and are both sporty, so they push one another and bring out a little competition in one another.

We have friends who had their three DD's within 4 years of one another. I know they've both found it tremendously hard trying to deal with all three and whenever we spend time with them it feels very much that they're just 'getting through' these early years rather than actively enjoying them. All families are different but I don't think I'd have coped so well with a very small age gap.

I honestly think the smaller the age gap the better. Yes, it will be a really hard couple of years with the baby/toddler stuff but you get it all out of the way in one go and longer term it's easier as they have similar interests and they can do the same activities.

3/4 years is nice. You can't always plan that accurately though.

Our are boy then girl with 2yr 11 month gap. Its really nice.

Two years. Mine are 20 months apart. My stepsons are the same. No guarantee of friendship (they fought constantly as kids) but are now best of mates. Think about activities outside of school - a gap of more than three years and they don’t be interested in doing the same things, and you’ll have just tasted a bit of independence from constant childcare when it starts all up again!

I had 20 months between mine, which wasn't exactly planned, but worked out fine. (When they say you need to take the minipill at the same time each day, they really mean it, don't they?) Really hard for the first year of course, but by the time they were 2 and 4 they could play together. You don't really get that with a bigger gap. I think if we'd waited till ds was out of the baby stage we might not have psyched ourselves up to do it again!

I have 3 sons, all born within 3 and half years. It's busy, it's not always easy and they sometimes fight. We didn't plan to have such small age gaps but I fell pregnant straight away with the second and then he was also prem, meaning a 14 month age gap. The third was a surprise (contraception failure) there's 2 years between ds2 and ds3. I like that they are close in age because as they get older they will all be interested in similar things at the same time. My bil has 3 children with a 5 year age gap between each, eldest is 15, then 10 and youngest is 5. It make sit difficult for them to do things to keep all 3 occupied during school holidays.

So with a small age gap the first few years are quite tough (endless MN threads on this) and then it gets easier. We have a 5 year gap. It’s financially much easier. Only really one set of childcare fees. The older one was so much more independent. They are 7 and 2 and play together lots but then the 7 year old does his own thing too.

I would have liked a 3, maybe 4 year gap but this is fine. And both kids got/get my attention in different ways and at different times. I have seen friends with small age gaps and they do wish away a chunk of their older toddler’s toddler years because they simply cannot focus on them with a small baby and the toddler acts up more and it’s a hideous vicious cycle. I think 2.5-3+ is a decent age gap.

Incidentally, my sister and I are 14 years apart. Growing up she was an additional parent not a sibling. But from my mid 20s onwards we have been super duper close. Sibling relationships are life long. Focussing on short term things like age gaps is not always helpful in the long run. They will get along if they are similar people with similar values in the long run. That’s the most important thing. The age gap thing is a number.

Between 1.5 and 2.5 years.
20 mths between my two and it's perfect.

I think it's impossible to predict what will be best for the kids. Some siblings who are close in age fight; others play together. Some siblings who are far apart in age dislike each other or don't really know each other; others are very close. My two are seven years apart in age and are very attached to each other. I don't think a closer gap would have suited them.

Since you can't predict how it will pan out for the children, I think you should disregard that factor and instead go for the age gap which you, the parents, would prefer. You mentioned that the two of you disagree, so maybe have some more discussions about how it will affect you both as individuals and as a couple.

I wanted a 2 year age gap and ended up with a 6 year gap. And it's lovely.

There's pros and cons to each IME, and whatever the gap the chemistry between personalities is beyond anyone's control.

Honestly? Just do it.
We did the same thing, wanted another but didn't know when.
Then I had a gall bladder OP, then a wisdom tooth out, then lost a baby (TFMR) and now our son is coming up to 4.
Just go for it.

Mine are 18 months apart. Only problem was that one time I changed DD1's nappy and popped him on his feet to toddle off then did the same to newborn DS2!! No harm done, I wasn't in the school netball team for no reason...!

I have a 4 1/2 year age gap between my girls now 13 and 9. It was great when my youngest was born as my eldest was old enough to understand and also be my 'helper' however the age gap now is really apparent and they have nothing in common and don't get on at all . I'm sure this will all change in time at least I hope it does!! For us the age was due to financial reasons and child care costs but had our situation been different I would have preferred a smaller age gap.

My kids have almost 3 years between them and it's worked great for us. The first child is old enough to want to help and to be able to play or sit for a little bit while you tend to baby. But they're young enough to play together as they get older.

Anything from 2-4 years I think would have worked that way really. More about the personalities of the children than the age gap though.

Think about activities outside of school - a gap of more than three years and they don’t be interested in doing the same things

Mine are 5 years apart and play cricket, rugby and football together and for separate teams. Both come running with me most mornings before school. A smaller age gap is no guarantee of any kind of similar interests, either. It helps that mine have followed in my footsteps and are sporty; it would have been much more difficult if one of them wasn't interested in sport.

I honestly think it's more about the nature of your DC than about their age gaps, and it's sheer luck if they're mates. Those posters who've admitted that having close age gaps makes the first couple of years hard deserve knighthoods. I really don't think I'd have enjoyed either DC's baby years if I'd been juggling two of them.

now 13 and 9. It was great when my youngest was born as my eldest was old enough to understand and also be my 'helper' however the age gap now is really apparent and they have nothing in common and don't get on at all

I have a 2.5 year age gap. 11 and nearly 9. When they were younger, they enjoyed going to the same places...soft play, park, farms etc. Now it's a little odd as my eldest is getting quite teenager like and my youngest seems very little in comparison. She still enjoys playing with toys and gets excited about going on the swings whereas my eldest is too grown up for those things now

2 years is the perfect gap for me. Sadly it hasnt happened this way for us and it now depends on what age child we adopt. I think its nice to be able to play with your siblings growing up.

I really don't think there is a perfect gap, every child and family is different. We are expecting dc2 and ds is 5 1/2. We just were not ready, emtionally or financially for another until now. I get wanting to get the early years out of the way quickly, but i really enjoyed ds as a baby and toddler and am so excited i get to go back to all that now he is growing up. I have 2 sisters, 3 and 6 years older than me. I dont get on with the middle one at all but the my older sister is my best friend!

My smallest gap was 10 months and the longest was 9 years. I preferred the 2.6 gap, there literally best friends it's so sweet.

I really don't think there is a perfect gap, every child and family is different.

I agree with this, I have a gap of 2 yrs 10 months & wanted around a 3 yr gap. There is 3 yrs between myself & 1 sibling & 5 yrs between the next. We played loads as children & are very close now although I probably get on better with the one 5 yrs younger than me.

I’m debating no 3 but no 2 has been challenging so it would be at least a gap of 3.5 yrs if we go for it.

There will be exactly 3 years between DD and baby! I think 2 year gap minimum 4 year gap maximum xx

Smaller age gaps are better in my opinion as it’s easier to do stuff together as s family. When you’ve got, say, a young teen and a 5 year old, it can become tricky to do things together.