To ask you for the perfect age gap?

[TeethingAstronaut]

DP and I currently have a 5 month old. We both would like more children one day soon (within the next five years) but are struggling to decide when we should start trying for another baby. I also have a history of twin pregnancies in the family (I have twin siblings).

I think we should start trying again soon as growing up with close age gaps was fun for me and I'd like DS to have that and get nappies and breastfeeding out of the way more quickly. DP had bigger age gaps in his family and often felt lonely.

DP thinks we should wait a while and get through the sleepless nights and weaning and start trying when DS is around 15 months, possibly having a second if we conceive quickly by the time DS is 2. DS currently is still awake every couple of hours and naps are a bit of a nightmare though we're both aware this may change a lot. DS was also conceived in the first month of trying.

So we thought we'd put it out there for others to give us advice. What do you think is the best age gap for a great bond that still allows for sleep and sanity? What have your experiences been like with small or slightly bigger age gaps?

Thank you for getting to the end

There’s 4 years between me and my sister. When I was born mum said it was good she was old enough to understand and help out and was excited to have a sibling. Growing up we were very close. Tricky stage was when she was 16 I was an annoying 12 year old. The next two years both of us trying our feet. She left for uni at 18 and I missed her so much. We’re are very very close now. I think it’s a perfect gap.

2 years 4 months. Just about big enough when they tiny yet close enough that they play together when youngest hits 2. Mine same sex and get on pretty well so we can have lovely family holidays with in built pal.

I'm really enjoying having a 5 year gap. Aimed for 3/4 years but had a miscarriage at 12 wks.
The way they look at each other is just the best. I'm sure it will change when they are 5 and 10 and hate each other though.

2.5-3 years! My oldest was 2.5 when next was born -he was out of nappies during the day and walked everywhere so I didn't need a double buggy. They liked similar things and activities were suitable for both eg farms or soft play etc
Then ended up with a larger gap for number 3, the older two were 6.5 & 9 in some ways it's been good as older ones at school all day but also means dragging baby on school run in all weathers/waking them up from naps for school run/after school activities! Also means older ones have to play with Lego in their room so toddler doesn't break it/eat it... less shared activities/interests. The older ones are very helpful and love her and do play with her, but equally she can be annoying to them and they are getting to the age now where they play out with friends and she is too young so she is bored indoors with me on her own. We are not having another and she has no cousins close in age so I do feel sorry for her as she won't have a sibling close in age!

It's all really academic, and to be fair, is entirely dependent on you being able to conceive.
There is 8 years between mine, because it just didn't happen when I wanted it to.

So to me, that is the ideal gap, because it's when I conceived and when I was able to conceive.
If you took a long time for conceive, would you just decide that the age gap was too big and you'd stop at 1 because the age gap wasn't "ideal".

Someone who had 2 quickly together or 3 under 4 will think that's the ideal gap, someone who wants to not be at home with 2 under 5 will think 4 or 5 years is the "ideal".

If you want to have another child, then do it, because no one can tell you the "ideal" age gap, ot depends on you and your own relationship.

Older 2 have 3 years between them ... absolutely perfect. Never had two in nappies. Close enough to be good friends. 4.5 years between DC2 & DC3..... much harder and wish we’d gone again sooner. Easing now but the baby/toddler was difficult with a 5 & 8 year old.

I’d always go small. 18 months between me and my elder sister and we are incredibly close. Then our younger sister is 7/9 years behind us- it’s a constant chip on her shoulder, she struggles to catch up and makes bad choices as a result, she is insecure and needy and lets people treat her badly as she doesn’t want to let them go. She has a massive complex about being ‘the young one’ and ‘left behind’ and hates that we are so close and not close to her.

I don’t tell my mum this but I think she did my younger sister a massive disservice by leaving such a big gap when my older sister and I are so close together. I’ve sworn to keep the gap for mine small.

There will be a 3 and a half year age gap when my second is born. Not by choice - we have had 2 mc. I’m hoping my eldest will be able to help fetch things! She’s got the 15 childcare hours and is at preschool which I think will be helpful over the next year until she starts school next September.

I think it depends so much on the individual children. I have two years between mine and the first six months were really tough, but we had a lot of stressful things going on in other areas of our life which didn’t help.

And it can have been that bad because we’ve just conceived DC3, and will have a 2y 4m age gap this time.

As close as you can bear IMO. (Which has varied by years just for me!)

I agree it different for everyone.

I have a 2.5 year age gap which was good for us. My eldest went to (fully funded) preschool 3 days a week when she turned 3 leaving 3 days for just me and youngest dc, two days with me and both dc and weekends was with dad too. So a nice balance.

My friend insisted a 4/5 year age gap was the best and thought mine was too small a gap. Yes her eldest dc started school so she had all day with the baby, but between her eldest being born and her youngest starting school, she spent 9 or 10 years in that baby, toddler, pre school stage which would have felt far too intense for me. Once you get out of the nappy/pushchair/baby and toddler groups it is very freeing so I couldn't imagine stringing that out for a decade.

Now mine are a bit older we do things together where both dcs are old enough and tall enough to do such as a theme park and we don't have to worry about finding something to entertain an older child and a younger child at the same place.

No such thing.

As close as you can bear IMO. (Which has varied by years just for me!)

17 months between DC1 and DC2.
Having 2 babies at once was easy. Having 2 toddlers at once has been utter carnage.
I’m expecting DC3 and there will be just under 3 years between DC2 and DC3, and 4 years between DC1 and DC3.

I think the bigger age gap this time is going to be harder for me in some senses, but easier in others because DC1 will be starting school around the time DC3 is due - so mon-fri for most of the day, I’ll only have 2 kids at home instead of 3.
I don’t think there is a perfect gap!! Each has its pros and cons. There’s 4 years between me and my “D”sis, and we hate each other’s guts always have. Not just the usually sibling scraps either...we used to put each other in hospital as kids, and as adults we couldn’t be more opposite so just don’t talk unless it’s forced family “fun” like Christmas

17 months between my db and I and I hated it. Nothing was mine, everything had to be for the two of us, including friends. I resented the fact I had to be the 'big girl' when he took up so much of my dm's time. We were not close growing up, despite him being continually there and I do not like him now.

Think it probably depends on the children and whether they get on. Three year gap between me and my brother and we never got on. Three years between my two sons and they get on brilliantly - they are very similar in what they like doing, so this helps.

I also have a five month old and we are going to start trying again pretty much now. I couldn't face the idea of the eldest being out of nappies, weaned etc and then starting all over again!

I have a 21 month age gap and a 15 month age gap.

I wouldn't do either again

17 months between mine, not intentional. Bloody hard for a while. Both teenagers now and it's great.

2 years 7 months here. I think 2 years 3 months would have been perfect for us as the oldest suddenly had a developmental leap then, her understanding that she couldn't always be put first and she was potty trained.

I think though as small as you feel you can manage is best, knowing the smaller the gap the harder it is at first. There arent loads of things I can do with both of them yet - not many activities where you're allowed to take siblings with that big an age difference, and even when we do things together they're in different sections like park and soft play and they like different things on the TV.

Saying that I know close age siblings who didn't get on and bigger gap ones who do so it's as much about personality as anything else

Started trying when DS was two and a half, and DD was born just before he turned 4. Seems to have worked out ok.

I was aiming for about a 2 year gap but got pregnant pretty much immediately which I didn’t expect as ds1 took much longer to conceive. I have an 18 month gap. It has been hard so far. I’m only 5 months in so early days I guess. I’m happy with the small gap as I’ll be glad to be done with the baby stage in one go. I love my boys but I’m not a baby person and I’m enjoying ds1 a lot more now he’s a toddler. I’m hoping the positives of them growing up close in age will outweigh how bloody hard it is right now!

2 years between me and my sister and we fought a lot (we get on ok now but aren't super close). My friend has 3 siblings and gets on better with the ones 7 and 4 years younger than the one 18 months younger. In fact the ones with the smallest age gap get on least well and always have. Some families have a small age gap and they are best of friends though. I think don't count on how well they'll get on and do what will work best for yourself and husband

Thank you so much for all of your replies! Wow!

It seems like most people think the ideal is between 2-3 years between kids and after chatting to DP about your replies I think we've settled on let's try again when DS is 18 months and hopefully have another soon after.

I can't face getting DS out of nappies for ages then having another but it'd be nice if he was just potty trained so I'm not changing two bums.

Thank you all so, so much, I didn't expect such a response, and it's really helped

I have 12 months between the first two it’s a nice gap but hard work
Then we had an 8 year gap between Dc2 and Dc3 it was far too big and then it was 7 years between Dc3 and Dc4 once again far too big and then 2 years 2 months between Dc4 and Dc5 it is the nicest age gap they are 6 and 4 and adore each other
My Dc3 really is the middle child and I feel bad for that unfortunately there were mc before and after Dc3 which is why there is such a big gap