To ask you for the perfect age gap?

[TeethingAstronaut]

DP and I currently have a 5 month old. We both would like more children one day soon (within the next five years) but are struggling to decide when we should start trying for another baby. I also have a history of twin pregnancies in the family (I have twin siblings).

I think we should start trying again soon as growing up with close age gaps was fun for me and I'd like DS to have that and get nappies and breastfeeding out of the way more quickly. DP had bigger age gaps in his family and often felt lonely.

DP thinks we should wait a while and get through the sleepless nights and weaning and start trying when DS is around 15 months, possibly having a second if we conceive quickly by the time DS is 2. DS currently is still awake every couple of hours and naps are a bit of a nightmare though we're both aware this may change a lot. DS was also conceived in the first month of trying.

So we thought we'd put it out there for others to give us advice. What do you think is the best age gap for a great bond that still allows for sleep and sanity? What have your experiences been like with small or slightly bigger age gaps?

Thank you for getting to the end

2 years and 2 months between my two DC and for me it has been the perfect gap. They are now 10 and 8. It was tough for the first year or so but then brilliant for activities/holidays/sharing clubs and just being at a similar stage with everything. They share reading books and often want to watch the same TV/films. We are a close family of 4 and it works really well.

Also some of this depends on your children’s personality. As I said my five year gap works brilliantly partly because DS1 is the most relaxed child in the world. He loves babies, loves playing imaginative games with his baby brother, will read to him endlessly etc. DS2 is a little pest and I reckon if he’d been the first child the age gap would have been far trickier to handle because he’s a much feistier sort. But honestly two years in (they are 7 and 2) we have had no issues at all with finding stuff to do. DS1 plays a couple of musical instruments seriously, so that’s his ‘thing.’ But DS2 has been used, from a v young age to sit quietly and listen to his brother and attend concerts and recitals. Similarly DS1 will go to soft plays or play in the park. He’ll happily paint or do play doh with his sibling. And today they spent 3 hours building a den, rescuing people from a fire, and running their own hospital with an ambulance. I merely had to provide the occasional snack and drink.
But that’s because DS1 is patient and kind and loves this stuff with his sibling.

I have 7 years between 1 and 2 and 14 months between 2 and 3. I love the age gap of the younger two. My eldest is severely autistic and was having lots of therapies hence the large age gap . We wouldn’t have left it that long otherwise.

Having a 1 year old and a newborn was hard work but I imagine a wilful 3 year old and a newborn would be hard work too . The hardest part was being pregnant whilst breast feeding a very hungry baby and looking after a difficult 7 year old! There are 20, 13 and 12 now .

Almost exactly 2 years between my 2. It's worked well for us. DD was a little bit more independent by the time DS came along and could be entertained with a toy or cartoon for a while if I needed to put him down for a nap or feed him. They're close enough in age to still be entertained by the same things. We can go to suitable events without having a bored older child. They play together nicely (most of the time)

2.5 years. It's perfect imo.

I’ve got between 21/2 and 3. I’m still in the early days now and it feels pretty good as my eldest is helpful, loves her sister and hasn’t been jealous. But, I should have potty trained her while I was pregnant. Changing nappies for one while looking after a newborn was hard work as was potty training with a baby. It is much easier now she’s out of nappies and I wouldn’t have liked doing two sets of nappies for long. The gap also means free hours will kick in soon and we should only be paying double nursery fees for a few months rather than years.

I do wonder though if a gap closer to 2 rather than 3 would have been easier in the long-run. It’s hit me that having 3 schools years between them will mean logistical challenges of pick up from different places for 3 years rather than 2. I suspect I’ll curse that in a few years time.

There is no ideal gap. Every option has positives and negatives. You won't get balanced opinion here because everyone thinks their way is the best way.

Pros of a small age gap - get the baby years (and childcare costs, career breaks) out of the way, easier to room share, more likely to be close - although no guarantee - easier to find activities they both enjoy

Cons of a small age gap - 2 maternity leaves close together, additional costs e.g. a double buggy and second cot rather than reusing, a few difficult years with 2 in nappies etc.

DH and I both had totally different age gaps growing up. There are five years between me and my brother. We aren't particularly close, and weren't growing up but that's more of a personality thing than anything else.

DH has 18 months between him and one brother, then a 10 year gap between the next two. He hates the 10 year gap, it's like his parents had two sets of children.

DS will be 3.5 when DC2 arrives and so far it seems like a good plan gap wise. He's excited and involved and looking forward to being a big brother. He has funded childcare now which makes putting DC2 in to nursery when we need to won't be a huge financial strain and then he will be starting school.

Whether they will be close is a different matter.

For your own health it’s ideal to have at least 2 years between pregnancies so minimum 2 years 9 month gap.

I’d also think about future school years- you wouldn’t want one doing GCSEs at the same time the other is doing a levels.

I’d also want the older one to be in nursery if not school to give one to one time with the youngest.

Also childcare for 2 under school age is c £1700 pcm!

There's 4.5 years between mine and it hasn't worked out very well! They don't get on well (DS2 idolises DS1, But DS1 thinks DS2 is a baby) and they'll never be at the same secondary school.

It was easy for me when they were young, but it's hard now and they always want to do different things, watch different films, etc.

There's 3 years between my two and that seems pretty nice! My oldest was big enough to not only sort himself out but also help me when his sister was born, and they're close enough in age to play together now which is nice.

My husband and his brother are five years apart and best best best friends now, that also seems like a good option!! I would not consider less than 3 years between though. I would not have coped.

First gap is 2yrs 5 days. Now 6 and 8. They drive me insane. Second gap 2 and 3/4 yrs. Oldest and youngest are great together. Middle and youngest too full on. So id say 5 years. .

Reading this with interest - it's a hard decision, isn't it? DS is 11 months and we're definitely not ready to try again yet, but we are now certain we'd like a second (we weren't sure before him). The thing is, he took 18 months (and three miscarriages), and it's so hard to know how to factor that in. I think in an ideal world we'd like a 3 year age gap, and I keep thinking, well, if it takes more than two years from trying to baby again then we should start soon - but of course it could be different this time, it could take one month, it could take four years! It might never happen, and I'm reasonably ok with that possibility, I think. I also work on fixed-term contracts which makes it all harder still - it was a major stress when trying for #1, and in the end we were lucky and got in just under the wire, if DS had been conceived a month later I'd have had no job to go back to...

I did have a brief panic that I was pregnant this month and my reaction to that revealed I'm definitely not ready yet. DH, on the other hand, admitted he was slightly sad when my period did turn up.

I think my idea that about 3 years is ideal if heavily based on that being the gap between me and my DBro - we've always got on pretty well and DM seems to think it worked well. Apparently I was very 'helpful' when he was a baby, though a bit less keen on him when he was a toddler who nicked my stuff!

I'd go for a narrow gap. chaos when they're under four but then it all goes smoothly.
I have one of each four years apart and they never ever want to go to the same place which means we do nothing as a family. I'm a single parent as well so, well, EATING, yes, that's the one thing all three of us can agree we enjoy doing together. Thank god for food.

@beanbag7 I don't think my way is the best way! not at ALL

If I'd had two the same sex it might have been easier. Could have rented a two bed place. They could have passed stuff down to each other. Had some of the same hobbies/afterschool activities. They are so different and different ages and it is not a gap I'd recommend. My eldest was no help at all when the baby came and was in fact very jealous and very demanding.

We have 18 months between our two. Our youngest is nearly two, it’s been a tough couple of years I’m not going to lie but I love our age gap (we were going to have a 2 year gap but we accidentally got pregnant when our eldest was 9 months old). It’s lovely watching them grow up together, though still very busy and stressful at times. We are going for a 3rd, I’m finding it tough at the moment as I have to wait for career related reasons another 6 months before we can start trying. If we fall pregnant straight away there will be just over 3 years between our youngest now and the next one. I think in an ideal world I’d have had 3 children all 2 years apart, I guess it doesn’t always work out how you plan!

Every age gap has it’s pros and cons though, whatever age gap you chose or end up with you’ll make it work.

2 to 2.5 years

3 years between mine. I wanted to enjoy looking after each baby and really get to know them, not just tough out those years with a closer age gap. Think I got lucky with oldest who loved having a sibling and made the whole process much easier.

I think the "ideal" age gap doesn't exist as there will be pros and cons of each gap so it comes down to priorities. For me personally, I was keen that my children got on well and had a companion of around the same age that they could share experiences with. I think the biggest influence on how well siblings get on is personality, however I would put age gap as a very close second. For this reason, I wanted a smallish age gap to maximise my chances of having children that got on well. So far this seems to have worked out well and my children share similar interests and love spending time with each other.

I can understand from a short term parenting perspective that a bigger age gap might be preferential. The physical, financial and emotional demands of parenting two very young children are considerable and I definitely think that those with a larger gap generally have an easier time of things initially. I do think though that in the medium and long term it can be really hard to balance the wants and needs of children in completely different phases of development.

There's 3 years between my two girls. Had my second been a boy, I don't think the two of them would have got on (although it's hard to know for certain!). I was thrilled when my second was a girl, I always wanted a sister growing up as my brother and I don't get on.

Even though they're both girls, any longer age gap then I don't think they would entertain each other as much as they do. They currently play together, go outside together, wash each other's hair etc. There are days when my eldest wants her own space, which is fine as my youngest can be hard work at times. I do think as they get older, the youngest will start the grate the older one a bit more but thankfully they have their own rooms and can shut her out ha 😂

Doesn’t it also depend upon how many children you’re planning to have?

I thought I wanted at least 3 so didn’t want to have 2 close together, be over it & then have a big gap for number 3. My plan was to space them out a bit more evenly.

I agree that every gap has pros and cons. I know people who have a large between their kids or siblings and love and those that hate it, and same with tiny gaps. Mine are all about 2.25 years and part of me is very happy with it, part of me looks back and thinks I was mad and still going mad some days . There are no guarantees with sibling relationships or things like that, my siblings and I are close in age but haven't talked in years and mostly did out best to ignore each other as kids.

That said, I've read that waiting 12-18+months after a baby before starting to try for another is beneficial and closer gaps have some higher risks during the pregnancy and long-term health.

I have a 1 year gap, a 2 year gap and a 3 year gap!

3 is definitely easiest for us. With one at nursery you can give the baby more attention, and then when the older ones are home you know that the baby has had plenty of time during the day, you can focus on the others.
It's also not great for your body to get pregnant within 18 months, there are better outcomes for mums and babies if you wait, due to physical recovery and nutrient stores.
The 1 year gap would be lovely if the DC's were similar, but our ds1 and ds2 have such different personalities and interests that it's never really happened - ds1 would rather play loud imaginative games with DS3 and ds2 would rather build things by himself or with baby ds4 as an audience. It's also very hard with work, longer gaps let you keep your hand in with your career a bit in-between.