To think mixed sex dormitories in hostels are unacceptable

[FannyCann]

I don't mean the accidental mixed sex where someone is presenting as the opposite sex, I mean all in together.

DD1 is travelling around Australia, mostly staying with friends or Airb&b. But she booked herself into a hostel in Sydney for one night and didn't realise she hadn't specified women only until she got there and couldn't change due to lack of availability. She was nearly in tears phoning home next day - the guy IN THE BUNK below her had sex all night. She felt very unsafe and was very upset.

I mentioned this at work and a colleague agreed her daughter had had similar terrible experience. The drunk man in the bunk above her had fallen off in the night. Turned out he was a homeless man who had wandered in and helped himself to an empty bunk.

Met up with a friend yesterday and she said her son had also been appalled. This time it was the behaviour of the girls, bringing randoms in and having sex all night. He was in Bali and went and slept on the beach before moving into a hotel.

So that's a quick three out of three terrible experiences.

I had no idea mixed sex accommodation was now the norm in these hostels (aside of double rooms/family accommodation obv). It's obviously unsafe and unpleasant.

DD is in a lovely airb&b with a friend now until her flight home and has learnt from the experience. But really I see no reason why this has become the norm. It's terrible.

Hostels aren't a public service. If you want a female only one just book it, they're readily available

There were mixed sex dorms in hostels when I was traveling nearly 20 years ago. I think otherwise how would friends stay together. I've used them travelling with mixed groups and with my now dh when we were dating. I think the key is that it's gross to have sex in a shared room, full stop. Personally, I prefer a women's only dorm, which is why I always book that - though to be fair, doesn't stop anyone from bringing randoms home to have sex with them unless they stop them at the door.

I find it fascinating that a room in Airbnb is perceived as being safer than a mixed sex dorm in a hostel with a manager and other people around. I personally would assess the dorm as being safer - not as comfortable and would need to be aware but a room in someone’s property with no control over who gets access.

For what it’s worth, I’ve done mixed sex, single sex and Airbnb ( entire property). The main issues in the dorms were snorers, late comers and talkers. But like a previous poster, I checked out reviews and went with properly run places.

ALL night? She didn't happen to get his number, did she?

Lol. Priceless.

I travelled round Australia 20 years ago and mixed sex dorms were pretty standard then, this is not a new thing. Neither is listening to other people shag in the dorm.

I didn’t even realise there was single sex hostel rooms when travelling! A room of 25 beds and only myself and my pal the only women was fine - smelly but never felt unsafe. I do think you need to be quite open and resilient and some folk aren’t cut out for the more rustic backpacker experiences.

Bloody hell I did loads of youth hosteling in my youth. Only single sex dorms and people would have been thrown out for having sex in them. This thread is making me feel very old as I can honestly say - wouldn't have happened in my day.

When I used to youth hostel, kids also slept in the single sex dorms. Does that still happen in mixed sex dorms.
And I can honestly say you did not have to be resilient in the past to stay in a bloody youth hostel.

Perhaps your dd is just not cut out for hostelling op. It does involve trying to sleep in rooms with a bunch of strangers, I can't say I'd fancy that myself. The sex arrangement is secondary here.
If you'd said that your dd had booked and was expecting a single sex dorm but got mixed I could understand the aibu.
You could get upset about how loose morals are nowadays so that random strangers - of either sex - feel comfortable about having sex in front of strangers, and how they have no consideration for others. The way to approach it would be to complain to the relevant authority, i.e. the hostel.

I travelled all over South America on my own in the 90s, staying in hostels.
No problems until I stayed in a mixed sex dorm with only one man in there, and me. He tried to rape me. Luckily I didn't freeze, screamed out for help and fought back. If I'd frozen I would have got raped. That would be my fear in staying in a mixed-sex dorm.

I guess she’s learned a lesson then. Most are mixed sex unless stated (or you ask for it) from my experience. I didn’t realise this on one occasion, where me and a friend were woken in the night by two guys coming into the room. In the morning when we all woke, we all said we hadn’t realised it was mixed sex, had a laugh, discussed our travel plans and moved on.

We accepted that it was our mistake. We didn’t care really, but on an occasion when I’ve travelled alone I’ve requested female only. More because I wouldn’t want to be alone in a room full of guys. I’d be less bothered in a 50/50 mix but you obviously can’t guarantee that you won’t be the only female if you’re travelling alone.

jenny a ‘Youth Hostel’ and a hostel for backpackers are different things. You are thinking of YHA I think. DD used hostels when inter-railing, sometimes mixed dorms, sometimes single sex. All Ok.

As I said, she messed up with her booking and learnt the lesson.

I hostelled around Australia 30 odd years ago, always girls dorms or occasional doubles when I was with a guy. I think there was choice , I totally get mixed groups travelling together but have no memory of large mixed dorms. I do think the general standards of behaviour were better back then though!

In Alice Springs I met an American service man (can't remember if it was army or airforce) in a bar. We chatted and went to a few other bars, chat was all we did. I think he was lonely and homesick.
When I got back to my room one of the girls (total stranger) had waited up for me and was outraged at my risky behaviour, gave me a big lecture that I could be dead in the bush by then and no one any the wiser. (At least she would have been able to give the police a clue ). I think it was nice that there was someone a bit more savvy than me keeping a look out. Doubt that would happen today.

Tell her not to go to the Tree House Hostel - even the showers there are mixed - no curtains, just one long row of showers

Is that the one at Mission Beach? I think I stayed there but it was a bit more rustic back then. Don't remember mixed showers like that though! And honestly, is it that hard to put up some partitions like they have at some swimming pools?

I travelled Australia and stayed in many, many hostels all of which were mixed sex with absolutely no problems!

I find it fascinating that a room in Airbnb is perceived as being safer than a mixed sex dorm in a hostel

She's staying Airbnb with a friend, and a lady host. It's very nice from the pictures I've seen.

cardibach I am thinking of hostels generally. I stayed in YHA's in Britain and private hostels abroad in many countries. And back then they were all single sex and having sex in them would have got you thrown out. And as I said you did not have to be at all resilient to stay in the youth hostel. There are other aspects of the travel I did that you did have to be resilient for, but the youth hostel part was always the safest easiest part. I am surprised that things have changed so much.

Considering you always have a choice between single sex and mixed, I say YABU, I have been in both and mixed are more fun though there is usually more snoring, I haven't had a problem using mixed, most troubles I have had in hostels were due to inconsiderate women actually.

You are also wrong about people caring less about others, nowadays than in your time.

I was in an hostel two months ago, and noticed one of the women in my dorm who was traveling alone and who I had talked to a bit hadn't come back from a night out, I waited until the end of the day and then definitely raised the alarm bell when I saw her things still hadn't moved an inch and continuously did so and asked for update at reception (she apparently came back 3 days later at check out time to check out!).

We still care, if anything I feel most people in hostels look out for one another!

I've stayed in many mixed sex dorms, in Asia and Africa as well as Europe, and never had any problems. The only really bad dorm experience I had was in a small four bed dorm that was female only. You'd think that would have been great.

So yep, your daughter just has to remember to books single sex if that's what she wants, or toughen up a bit.

YABU. They're fine. I've stayed in countless of them all over the world and never had any problems. Your daughter will have made a mistake when booking - you have to select 'mixed' or which gender room you want when booking on literally every single hostel booking website. It's a shame she was upset but it's really not 'unsafe' and 'unpleasant', and if she does feel that it is she is allowed to rebook into the women's only room, unless it's fully booked, in which case nobody is forcing her to stay. I think you're being extremely dramatic and a bit hysterical.

When I backpacked around Australia over 20 years (!😱) ago. Only YHAs definitely had female only dorms. Some private hostels did too, but it was somewhat hit and miss. I should say that in all types of hostel, I had people having sex in bunks in the same room. Girls sneaked guys in, and mixed dorms were a mixed bag.

I should say that one of the most supportive was a mixed dorm, when I was doing farm work. There were 6 of us - 4 women, 2 men (one part of a couple, the other the brother of one of the women). They were always mindful to actually be protective of us (we’ll leave the argument about that to one side for now), as we had an incident with a guy on drugs breaking into our dorm one night. Not saying 6 women couldn’t have defended ourselves, but simply to say that some of my mixed dorm experiences were very supportive.

Still - she should absolutely have the choice. Sadly, when other woman sneak a man in for sex, it’s compromising everyone’s choices.

I stayed in hostels in many countries 30- 40 years ago. Sounds like it changed a lot just over the space of 10 years.

What do you all do about getting dressed in front of men? Do you just not mind if they see your breasts etc?

Hmmm

I backpacker around Oz about 25 years ago, and I dont think standards of behaviour were any better. Just speaking about myself though....

I remember large mixed dorms, AND same sex dorms.

It's all about the compromise your dd is prepared to accept. If she wants to travel as cheaply as possible, she may have to put up with inconvenience.

What do you all do about getting dressed in front of men? Do you just not mind if they see your breasts etc?

You just get dressed discreetly or in the bathroom you don't have to walk around topless! It's all part of the backpacking experience. It's not for everyone though.