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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sons behaviour is breaking my heart

120 replies

mae33 · 02/06/2019 00:07

I lost my temper. my 23 year old has been with us for over 6 months, its been hard work. he came to stay after a nearly successful fatal suicide. its worse than you can imagine. he got the help he needed we fed him up, we encourage and supported, we worked closely with his crisis team he got better, he got a job, he lost the job, after 6 weeks, he won't get up he won't help out. we got him more help, he started to help out a bit, but won't get up it takes us 4 or 5 attempts, then another 2 hours to get him dressed, when he helps its so slow and poorly done its beyond frustrating. but we have made some progress and it keeps me going. however 3 weeks ago I needed a huge operation on my shoulder, right in the middle of a renovation of my business premises, they have to be completed for me to start working again in 4 weeks, so I can pay the mortgage. my son has put in minimum effort even after I begged for help and today I lost my temper, really lost it when he won't get out of bed and apparently everything is all my fault. I foolishly said get up and help or get up and move out. of course he left in tears and now I feel worried sick and beyond guilty. having a hard time reconciling my raging emotions.

OP posts:
WhiteRedRose · 02/06/2019 00:11

Yanbu OP. Is there other family or friends he could stay with for a short while? You need a break yourself and it could possibly benefit him somewhat too?

Peachesandcream14 · 02/06/2019 00:14

That is an incredibly tough situation OP, I'm so sorry. Has this just happened? Have you tried calling him? Or any idea where he might have gone?

Original poster
mae33 · 02/06/2019 01:08

I found him, he was hiding in the barn. we talked. I apologized for losing my temper, asked if he understood would he please come and help, lets just move forward, does he need to talk to the crisis team etc etc. and currently after 6 months of this behaviour, I feel used. he doesn't want to help or work today so he's just creating drama.

OP posts:
Original poster
mae33 · 02/06/2019 01:15

we are a small family just me and his 2 brothers, before he came back to me. He spent 18 months with his brother who fully supported him, until he broke him to, he had to asked him to leave as he was ruining his marriage. his eldest brother wont have him back either. we have all offered help and love but not to much, yet he's not moving forward.

OP posts:
WidoWanky · 02/06/2019 01:28

Where is his father?

My youngest sounds similar to yours... ASD is a bitch here. I am all but broken. I have had to send my oldest away to protect him. Its bloody difficult. I am going to find a way to get him to be at his dads for a while... just need to figure out how -we live in a more convenient location so he wont be amenable to go.

You need to look after yourself. I am currently smiling and agreeing to every rant.. but it makes me feel so ill living with it. Unless you actually live with this behaviour it is so difficult to understand. i feel your pain.

patchysmum · 02/06/2019 01:30

Maybe loosing his job has set him back, wanting to stay in bed is a symptom of depression, is he on meds and seeing someone? I understand how angry you feel but maybe he is not just being lazy.

PregnantSea · 02/06/2019 01:31

I'm sure this opinion won't be popular but I don't think he should be living with you anymore. The level of help he seems to require is beyond what you can manage. He will also be resentful of his mum taking care of him and asking him to do basic things when he is 23. It's a toxic situation that will drag both of you down. He needs professional help, and it need to happen away from your home. I haven't lived in the UK for a long time and I know that there have been a lot of cuts to social care, but perhaps someone on here knows what road you could go down to get him some help?

Halo84 · 02/06/2019 01:36

It sounds as if he is seriously depressed. He needs more help and probably a course of antidepressants.

Original poster
mae33 · 02/06/2019 01:43

thank you, we are actually in NZ, he's had 6 months of help with a weekly counsellor, 6 weekly psychiatrist appointments, mentor help, his brothers calling, hes had tablets, assistance, considering how poorly mental health is supported here the help he has been given is amazing. we help but don't enable we courage but don't criticise, the plan to make sure he got up was the crisis teams ideas. he has seen how much pain I am in yet still nothing motivates him to help.

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 02/06/2019 01:45

Hold on he tried to commit suicide and you think he needs to try harder? He sounds depressed which is possibly why he tried suicide in the first place. As hard as it is I don't think you can blame him here. He needs help possibly more on the professional side.

Original poster
mae33 · 02/06/2019 01:47

I don't think he is depressed, hes perfectly fine if its driving my car or doing a fun job, or hanging out with his mates, gets up and goes out fine. only time he's depressed is when he has to work or help out

OP posts:
Writersblock2 · 02/06/2019 01:47

Has he been diagnosed with anything in particular, OP? Mental health issues are horrible and I feel for all of you. Chances are, he isn’t able to contribute in the way you want him to. It’s not his fault. And it’s also understandable you’re at the end of your tether. Have you thought about getting therapy yourself to try and understand what’s going on with him?

Joeydoesntsharefood2 · 02/06/2019 01:52

You’re son is very unwell OP. Do you feel he has made any progress? If not you need to go back to the crisis team (or whomever is heading his care) & tell them it’s not working.
You can’t judge him by the standards you would someone without depression OP. It can come across like a selfish illness but that is the illness & not one he has chosen nor has control over.

Original poster
mae33 · 02/06/2019 01:52

we have been working really closely with the crisis team, I can't begin to tell you all the help we have given him. I so proud of my family how we all rallied around him when he tried to commit suicide. we have been there for constantly for the last 6 months. every day. the crisis team hes been checked for every disordered he doesn't need meds, he has access to 24 hour support, but at what point to you say this isn't cool. the second working is mentioned he's depressed, the second fun is mentioned he's fine

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 02/06/2019 01:54

I think you need to get find the reason for the suicide attempt if you haven't already. Depression can show in many ways including a happy face when inside its anything but.

Pringlefan · 02/06/2019 01:54

What a tough situation OP.
Try, if you can, not to focus on whether or not he ‘wants to help’. He sounds seriously depressed, and when you’re depressed, you can’t summon the energy to even help yourself, let alone anyone else. Hence the staying in bed. He’s not in bed because he’s happy there and being selfish about it. He is desperately miserable to the point he can’t face anythin and retreating to bed is a way of saying ‘go away world, I give up just leave me alone’.

I know you feel used, but when loving a person with depression it has to be unconditional because they often struggle to ‘give back’ until they’re some distance into recovery. They have no inner resources left to draw upon. It really does feel like being an empty useless shell.
I agree with PP that he needs more help and support, pribably includin increased/new medication and increased/different therapy. It’s important he gets BOTH of these.

Flowers for you OP 💐 💐

Joeydoesntsharefood2 · 02/06/2019 01:54

Just read your update. Until you accept he is unwell OP things are not going to get better. Depressed people are allowed to go out and spend time with friends. They can be very good at masking it too. He tried to commit suicide OP, someone without MH issues doesn’t do that.

Original poster
mae33 · 02/06/2019 02:03

our family have done nothing but love him unconditionally with everything we have. I would never deny him his friends they come and hang out every Friday in my home. I speak with his team of professionals weekly. There is no denial or lack of understanding regarding depression or mental illness. I do not lack compassion or love for him. but at what point to do watch mother struggle in pain so she can hardly move and worry sick about keep a roof over your head and feeding you and not help?

OP posts:
Joeydoesntsharefood2 · 02/06/2019 02:16

Op I really do sympathise, but (and this is going to sound so patronising but I don’t mean it to) I think you have preconceptions on what depression looks like that aren’t entirely accurate. As I said before it comes across like a selfish illness (him watching you in pain but not helping) But that is really part of the depression OP. I’m sure you’ve all been really supportive & should be proud of that, but that isn’t going to fix his depression. It does sound like he needs meds OP, I would tell the team you don’t feel he has made enough progress & feel it’s time for another approach.

LilQueenie · 02/06/2019 02:24

but at what point to do watch mother struggle in pain so she can hardly move and worry sick about keep a roof over your head and feeding you and not help?

when you are sick yourself with depression usually.

Sobeyondthehills · 02/06/2019 02:27

It has taken me nearly 7 years to get "normal"

I can at time go out and have fun with friends, other times I have cancelled because they cause me a massive panic attack.

Also medication needs a good 6 weeks to work, then if it doesn't you need to ween off (depending on the medication) that medication go onto the next one, this of course assumed the first medication does nothing. You could be in the position of the medication working at first and then does nothing, so they upped the dosage

LoveMyNewHome · 02/06/2019 02:36

Poor guy is seriously depressed. Why do crisis team think he doesn't need meds? That makes no sense. Normal, not depressed individuals don't try to take their own lives. When things get to this stage meds are essential. I'm not ashamed to say that Sertraline has changed my daughters life & no doubt she will be on it for life, but that is ok.

Original poster
mae33 · 02/06/2019 02:54

even his team have said he's using suicide as a manipulation, I actually went off my head when they suggested this to me. did the whole my son needs help he's depressed he needs meds help I am his mother hear me roar. he has had every medication he can have, every therapy they can offer him. I have a cried a river of tears, his team have said he has all the tools and intelligence to live a life and there is little more they can do for him. and I don't think depression excuses watching your mother struggle after her operation and not offer help. even depressed people can make someone a cup of tea and I actually think its pretty insulting to the loving caring depressed people out there who are struggling. seriously I don't think its depression that your mum comes out of a 4 hour surgery and you can't even be bothered to visit her in intensive care. I don't know what that is but I have friends who are depressed and that ones a whole new low to them

OP posts:
Original poster
mae33 · 02/06/2019 03:05

And no I don't think you should try harder after you try to commit suicide. obviously something is very wrong, which is why I did everything a mother could and would do. 6 months later after intensive therapy and counselling and meds and talking and care and support and love heaps and heaps and heaps of love and time I am at my wits ends. I don't know how else to explain this. but its not my lack of understanding that is the problem.

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 02/06/2019 03:21

Ofcourse depressed people can struggle at the thought of doing things, especially jobs!
Its the stress, pressure and anxiety!
Its a little unfair to say he’s fine until anyone mentions work when 5 months ago he tried to kill himself.