My sons behaviour is breaking my heart

[mae33]

I lost my temper. my 23 year old has been with us for over 6 months, its been hard work. he came to stay after a nearly successful fatal suicide. its worse than you can imagine. he got the help he needed we fed him up, we encourage and supported, we worked closely with his crisis team he got better, he got a job, he lost the job, after 6 weeks, he won't get up he won't help out. we got him more help, he started to help out a bit, but won't get up it takes us 4 or 5 attempts, then another 2 hours to get him dressed, when he helps its so slow and poorly done its beyond frustrating. but we have made some progress and it keeps me going. however 3 weeks ago I needed a huge operation on my shoulder, right in the middle of a renovation of my business premises, they have to be completed for me to start working again in 4 weeks, so I can pay the mortgage. my son has put in minimum effort even after I begged for help and today I lost my temper, really lost it when he won't get out of bed and apparently everything is all my fault. I foolishly said get up and help or get up and move out. of course he left in tears and now I feel worried sick and beyond guilty. having a hard time reconciling my raging emotions.

I feel desperately sorry for the OP and am frankly shocked at her son's total lack of empathy towards her.

His whole family have accommodated his problems for years but how sad that he can give nothing back.

In my fairly extensive experience of depression (thankfully not first hand), I have been repeatedly shocked at how often it is manifested by extreme selfishness, or at least self-obsession.

I think some of these posters need to walk a mile in your shoes before criticising

^ This

I have walked in your shoes OP so I totally empathise.

Has anyone tested him for potential physical causes? He sounds very similar to my DD and we now have a list of physical things wrong with her that her psychiatrist believes have caused the issues. Does he have any OCD-like tendencies or any signs of ADHD?

Can the son not find a job, career or profession that he finds interesting? What is he good at? What GCSEs or A levels did he get? There must be something he enjoys doing, surely?

Unfortunately, a serious suicide attempt proves he is very unwell, not “creating drama”, OP. I understand you are not coping, and you can’t keep trying to take everything on your shoulders either, but he needs serious ongoing help.

Hello,

Have you tried contacting Adult Social Care? My son (now 20) had serious MH problems and could not live at home. He has a place now in a supported living placement with mental health support.

OP, I work in healthcare and I've met some individuals who use their MH conditions as a form of manipulation, control and for attention. Hugely the latter.

Or as a justification for really shitty behaviour.

You have to draw a line. Not sure what that is for you--can you consult with your son's therapist about the best way forward?

OP, sorry to hear what you're dealing with. As a family, we are going through something very very similar with my sibling and it's exhausting - no awareness of what this is doing to my 70-something yo parents who have health problems of their own, and other family members who've had to go on ADs because of the stress. In my sibling's case we have found out there are issues with drug use. Please don't be offended, but could that be an issue here as well? They can often be very tied up with MH issues, lack of motivation etc. We're a very MC family so it was a huge shock and very unexpected. No advice, sorry, but best wishes to you.

Op you're getting a hard time from posters. I don't think yabu. Is the diagnosis PD? Is he getting help on that front?
You have done all you can and by the sounds of it you are spent and cannot continue to do that. Try ringing the crisis team yourself or Adult Social care. These dynamics are not healthy for either of you. Something has to change and perhaps moving into supported living for a while might also help him even just for a few weeks until you've recovered.

I think the issue with a lot of posters is that they want to assign blame instead of actually offering anything helpful. It's more than possible to feel desperately sorry for OP's DS who clearly has profound issues and to also feel incredibly sorry for OP herself who is also struggling with a very difficult situation and sounds like she's at the end of her tether.

I really feel for you OP. I feel for your DS too of course. Horrible as depression / mental illness is, I'm not sure you can help someone unless they actively want to help themselves (which sometimes they can't manage to, which makes it complicated).

I don't think you should feel guilty for feeling frustrated and angry.

Is it possible to disengage a little, be there for him / support him, but not try to "fix" him? He may never be entirely fixed, or he may get there eventually when he's ready. So that you're being kind to him, but try not to judge yourself on whether he's got out of bed / got a job etc? Easier said than done I know, especially when a) you care about him and b) he's living in your house. Good luck

I live with family with mental health illnesses and I offer support and love. I do not tolerate disrespect and spite from them, however.

A person's mental health impacts the whole family, so as I see it, everybody pitches in to support and help, with the understanding that the person with the actual issues makes as much effort as the rest of the family.

Getting over MH problems is a team effort, and bloody hard work for all involved. I sympathise op. Perhaps you are at a point with your son which, when you look back, will be significant in changing things for the better.

He has had a lot of help, you said. Time for him to work out, how does he help himself.

mae33 for you. I get it. I'm going through a similar situation with my DD. I have no advice, just wanted to say you are not alone.

the one time my husband consented to take medication, it was like he suddenly came out from behind a cloud. It was marvellous. The whole family noticed. He noticed, too, and promptly stopped taking the medication because he 'didn't like taking tablets'. The truth was, I suspect, that he got a measure of satisfaction in being miserable and making everyone else miserable too
you would think that at all happy state of mind would be his preference but he actually prefers the power and control of being miserable and making everyone else miserable with him!
I'm sure it's more complex than that but even so that's pretty stuck isn't it.

This behaviour is so similar to my brother. He did this to my mother until the day she died and he was 43 years old. Of course he assumed that I would become the new “Mum” for him, so I soon started to receive phone calls from mental hospitals in the middle of the night when things weren’t going his way, who were very quickly told that despite what he was telling them at that time, I was not his next of kin, as he actually had a wife, and I couldn’t play that game as I had actual children. Took about two years for that to stop, but I still get random other weird guilt trip attempts. I describe him as a resource vampire. He will suck up any money, energy, alcohol, etc.... available until there is nothing but a big, black hole, and when you are so depleted you can’t give any more, he turns on you. I have had knives at my throat, I have had tears, I have had threats, I have had tantrums, I have had objects stolen.
He is either chasing immediate gratification, some kind of high or is completely unmotivated. He had one job in his early 20’s for about a month. (As a glass picker-upper in a pub - which he lost for stealing.)
I would be dubious about his friends, if I were you.

It sounds as though you are treating him as though he is still a teenager, which is understandable but may not be helping him. I don't think you should be trying to get him up, for example. He is an adult and needs to make his own independent decisions.

I get it OP, I hear you. My DD is only 16 but we've had all this, sometimes the mental health professionals just say what they need to, for the sake of their figures. I can't imagine the situation in NZ I mean its bad enough in UK, but what I do know is if my DD at 23 is like she is at 16 I am going to struggle. Doesn't mean our hearts aren't breaking as mothers, but sometimes there is no answer and that's hard to accept.

Is there any sort of housing scheme or supported housing he could access, what's the situation with him claiming benefits? You can still support him emotionally with love and advice but if he's not going to help run the house in a crisis, I think he needs to be elsewhere.

this is really difficutl.mental health problems are terrible for all involved.
but you sometimes have to be able to to fight and be strong enough for them not to be getting better when you tell them to.
becasue sometimes they just cant.and wont be able to until that special something i ntheir mind clicks and they mnage to move forward.
dont get me wrong some people cant.and those families that do manage to be strog enough or some miracle makers becasue depression and other similar illness are so terrifying and hard.
and it does mean he cant function.possible have very little energy or drive to even brush his teeth never mind help.
and to many it can seem lazy or like they arent trying.but it can literally take someone with those illness all their energy to keep their chest moving up and down to breath never mind moving.
its so tough.and you do have to gt to a space that works for all of you.and it does mean you can sruvive it when you see the person is giving back the best they can.
but you can force 'better' on him.and nor is this his fault.not with mental health.
an sometimes it does mean they cant visit you.and also not make you cups of tea.its disabling to any normal function.these normal things other do bring fear,terror and exhaustion to those suffering.there is a dark mist where thought and functionality come to mind.

this is really difficutl.mental health problems are terrible for all involved.
but you sometimes have to be able to to fight and be strong enough for them not to be getting better when you tell them to.
becasue sometimes they just cant.and wont be able to until that special something i ntheir mind clicks and they mnage to move forward.
dont get me wrong some people cant.and those families that do manage to be strog enough or some miracle makers becasue depression and other similar illness are so terrifying and hard.
and it does mean he cant function.possible have very little energy or drive to even brush his teeth never mind help.
and to many it can seem lazy or like they arent trying.but it can literally take someone with those illness all their energy to keep their chest moving up and down to breath never mind moving.
its so tough.and you do have to gt to a space that works for all of you.and it does mean you can sruvive it when you see the person is giving back the best they can.
but you can force 'better' on him.and nor is this his fault.not with mental health.
an sometimes it does mean they cant visit you.and also not make you cups of tea.its disabling to any normal function.these normal things other do bring fear,terror and exhaustion to those suffering.there is a dark mist where thought and functionality come to mind.

Of course some people use the threat of/attempt suicide to manipulate. There are some seriously ignorant and judgmental posters on here. OP is obviously at the end of her tether and all some of you can do is berate her? Hideous bunch of people.

I think some posters are overlooking the fact that if the OP can't get her premises sorted out, she can't work. If she can't work she can't pay her mortgage or bills. What happens to her son then?

And she is trying to deal with an adult male whilst trying to recover from a physical injury.

She is doing everything she possibly can for him.

Where's the sympathy for the position she's in?

OP
I can only try and imagine how hard it has been, but not really. It sounds like hell.

You clearly have done everything you can, as has your family.
Sometimes it isn't enough.

That does not mean that your own MH and life have no value, just because you are his mother.

I think his Crisis team need to be told that he needs to move out.

You are worn out and vulnerable.
It is not human to give limitlessly.

You need to now think of your own health.
The best of luck.

We all have choices, even when we're mentally ill. I don't think yabu OP and it sounds as though your support is enabling your son to wallow

Does he see his dad?

Op I understand that you are exhausted and frustrated. You are probably aware is that your DS at very high risk of succeeding if he has another suicide attempt given his first attempt was almost fatal. This must be so hard to cope with.

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/suicide

It sounds like the crisis team have got a bit stuck with him. Has he had CBT or any psychological therapy or are they just having chats with him?

It does seem unusual that he is not on antidepressants given there are quite a few and each one takes weeks or months to try.

6 months is not long in the scheme of things with psychiatric illnesses.

Has he actually seen a good psychologist or psychiatrist to get to the root of his suicidal behaviour ? Was it a response to an event or had he always been prone to depression? Does he use street drugs etc. has he shown manipulative behaviors previously? What was his work ethic like in the past etc etc

You don't need to answer any of these questions on the thread, but having another talk to his team might help you understand the underlying problems.

It might be worth requesting a second opinion or asking for another assessment by a different team if your DS team have no treatment plan or answers to the above.

Like any chronic illness the carers need a break and you need one soon.