My sons behaviour is breaking my heart

[mae33]

I lost my temper. my 23 year old has been with us for over 6 months, its been hard work. he came to stay after a nearly successful fatal suicide. its worse than you can imagine. he got the help he needed we fed him up, we encourage and supported, we worked closely with his crisis team he got better, he got a job, he lost the job, after 6 weeks, he won't get up he won't help out. we got him more help, he started to help out a bit, but won't get up it takes us 4 or 5 attempts, then another 2 hours to get him dressed, when he helps its so slow and poorly done its beyond frustrating. but we have made some progress and it keeps me going. however 3 weeks ago I needed a huge operation on my shoulder, right in the middle of a renovation of my business premises, they have to be completed for me to start working again in 4 weeks, so I can pay the mortgage. my son has put in minimum effort even after I begged for help and today I lost my temper, really lost it when he won't get out of bed and apparently everything is all my fault. I foolishly said get up and help or get up and move out. of course he left in tears and now I feel worried sick and beyond guilty. having a hard time reconciling my raging emotions.

Hi, I want to say thank you to the Mums, that offered support, compassion and empathy. after receiving a beautiful private message I summoned the courage to look at the thread and those positive posts of care, gave me incredible comfort at a miserable time. so thank from the bottom of my heart.

for all the ladies who took the opportunity to stick the boot in, when clearly, support and understanding have been nothing but a priority shame on you, that cruelty and judgement came so easily to you and caused more needless hurt and suffering. may I suggest next time if lack of understanding is driving your harsh words, ask a question with compassion and help another mum not condemn her through ignorance.

Sounds tough. For your own well being you need to set your expectations for any help or support from him to zero. Just don't look to him for anything , give it a time limit so it feels manageable without resentment. This will change the dynamics between you. Find support elsewhere. For whatever reasons your son appears incapable of empathy and you're just hurting yourself looking for it from him.

Hi OP. I am more familiar with the mental health provision in NZ currently (am kiwi) and although I don't live there currently I do know that in parts of the country the mental health services are on their knees.
I can't offer you any advice but I can sympathise.
To UK posters, NZ has the highest suicide rate in the developed world... It is a really big problem which the latest Budget has just attempted to address, which in reality will be years away from implementing I guess.
Crisis teams and all the wonderful helplines are overwhelmed, and in addition to this (although there is no suggestion from the op) some communities are decimated by the drug P which is adding a whole new level of need to services like medical, police and schools.
Arohanui op.

Some posters on here have been really unsupportive. OP some of us hear you.

It must be awful to know that he can see his friends every Friday at least, or pop out and meet them to do something 'fun', but when it comes to anything that is something he hasn't himself chosen to do, like help you or visit you in hospital, or even make you a cup of tea then he cannot (or will not) do it.

No advice here but just wanted to say there are some of us who get the situation and it must be hell and unbearable pressure all round.

Very sorry OP I agree with his team that he’s using the suicide attempt to manipulate you It may even be that he’s got a personality disorder that makes him do this, I don’t know. You should however be prepared that he may use this again because it’s been successful in the past.

Poor You. There is only so much anyone can cope with. Sounds like you are up to /reached your limit.

You have to address that. I don't know how. But you have to, or else you crumble worse, and the damage done to you, the duration/others, is actually worse. Does that make sense?

OP, you have my sympathies. I have been in a situation where a mentally ill relative barely acknowledged for months that her own mother had breast cancer, in a situation like your own. It does happen and is directed at caring, loving and determined parents. Keep strong: I have no advice other than try going down a different route medically for him.

OP, you have already moved mountains to help your son.

Time to put yourself first, because if you drown under the weight of this, then you'll no longer be there to help anyone, your son included.

The kind of stress you're under can lead to serious and debilitating health problems, sometimes incurable ones.

Apart from those words of warning and support I have no concrete advice but see that there are others who have.

I really hope that your situation improves soon but this cannot happen until you look after yourself

@Penyu, what's P?

'P' is methamphetamine/ice/shards.

P is meth, ice etc (Pure meth I think it stands for). The NZ version. Previous to the last 25 years or so NZs biggest problems were the gangs and marijuana... Then they realised that P would make way more money and... The gvt hasn't fully realised how bad the problems are until recently. It's devastated entire communities. Shocking drug.

thankfully he is not on P, has smoked weed is doing his best not to now. hate that drug to. everyone things it such an innocent drug. its not and I hate it. NZ has no resources for MH, its truly shocking, your in a postcode lottery, my area has nothing, literally 20 minutes down the road and we'd have a change of postcode, and he'd have access to a range of service, its laughable when he sees his health team its in the same building we just weren't entitled to it...………..well I did mention I roared and they made it work. But I see young adults who don't have grumpy mothers fighting their corner, they are so vulnerable. there is quite literally nothing, no schemes, no assisted living, nothing. benefits, its beyond a joke!

It's a postcode lottery here, too, mae, not just in NZ! I'm glad he's not on P. I have a cousin in Canada who got on P/ice, she lost custody of her child (he went to live with her mother), lost one of her legs, all her teeth, narrowly avoided prison due to her mother getting in debt to send her to expensive rehab. She's clean now but she has a lot of damage and is an amputee. You're NOT alone. You're doing the best you can. People here who are living what you're going through understand.

To all the Mums who have private messaged me. this is a support group and it includes us, the ones with difficult children, who make your our lives hell. You are not alone and asking for help is ok because there are people who care, there are people who do understand. Just wanted to say that out loud to the beautiful souls who are struggling, who don't ask for help for fear of cruel judgements. Maybe we should start a group just for our weary souls

The posters on here who have called OP unfair and all about herself should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. You are talking to a woman you don't know who has gone through years of looking after her son in this state and simply doesn't know what to do and you speak to her in that way? And you call her unfair? Talk about a lack of self-awareness.

This.

He's very unwell, that much is clear. What is also clear is that his devoted family have spent 2 years (at least) offering intensive and massive support. Being unwell doesn't mean he gets to treat people like shit for as long as he likes, it doesn't mean that he gets to expect support from everyone around him but withdraw when they need support.

Ffs MH is difficult, of course it is, I've struggled with mine for many years and probably always will. Good days, bad days, can't get out of bed days.

But that does not and will never mean that I get to treat the people around me like shite and that they have to accept it.

That is some self indulgent bullshit right there. As someone with MH problems I deserve support, but I also have a responsibility to help myself too. A MH diagnosis isn't a get out of jail free card that excuses any and all negative behaviour. OP is recovering from an operation, and worrying about losing her home. The home her son lives in but contributes nothing to.

Why is it OP who is getting an absolute battering?

Sickening. Those who have stuck the boot in ought to be ashamed of themselves.

InTheHeatofLisbon thank you. how beautifully written. thank you

mae33 I think you've had a very unfair flaming on this thread, so I'm glad to see supportive posters and to hear about supportive PM's too!

I hope you and your son get some support and life gets easier soon

Op. This is so crap for you. I agree with you. If the experts are saying that he is manipulative then he is. You need help, he isn’t giving it. If he had not been home with you, who would have helped? Ask them.
I think you should tell him that you expect a gradual return to adulthood. Ask him to help around the house. I would suggest that he has a choice to either help with the renovations and that you will pay him for his time, or to start some form of voluntary work. It is well known that being in nature, and being useful are very helpful in coming out of depression.
I would also ask him to think about his next step. Would he like to live with friends or alone, travel, study. Everyone needs a purpose. Set some goals, with him. It is so frustrating when adult offspring behave like children but then resent us for treating them so. So don’t do it, treat him like an employee returning to work after long term sickness. He can choose a therapeutic return or a handshake and best of luck.
But deal with it, because continuing to make nice when you know you are enabling leads to explosions, and that won’t help him or you.

mae33 so glad you came back and saw all the supportive replies

Thank you for your kind words as well, OP. We're going to be facing this very soon. My DM has always been around for my DB and she'll be 80 this year. I've had to pull back because of my own mental health, as has my DSis; I also have adopted DDs who need all of our attention really. We used to have him to stay but we can't anymore, as he shouts at our DDs and scares them.

My DM doesn't have my DB living with her; their relationship became toxic when they lived together, which is what could easily happen with you and your DS. For your own sake and his, you do need to say that you can't cope with him anymore. My DB is in some form of supported accommodation, known as Sanctuary Housing. (We live in Leeds.)

I know we're going to have to find an alternative solution that doesn't involve my DM soon.

I hope you find a solution soon.