Flaming tiktok- aibu

[heatingoninjune]

Yes my heating really IS on in June (thanks autoimmune disease, I'm permanently cold) and yes I have namechanged.

My 9 year old, y4 daughter thinks I'm highly unreasonable because I wont download TikTok onto her tablet which I have full parental controls over and a keylogger on, She knows I can see everything she does, remotely if I feel the need to. Cue almighty meltdown about TikTok tonight and a tablet ban for the next week unless its a) for homework and b) she produces her homework diary to prove it. Production of the homework diary is because she tried to flout the 'nothing questionable on youtube rule' by saying it was for her homework.

For those not in the know, this is what National Online Safety say about TikTok

By default, users accounts are automatically set to public when they first create an account. TikTok encourages users to share creative expression through their videos, but if posted publicly, anyone in the world can see your child’s homemade content. There have also been concerns the Chinese government could access data or sway public opinion through the app. If your child’s profile is open, strangers can use the app to comment on your child’s videos. While this isn’t always sinister, it gives potential predators the ability to contact your child through the platform.

TikTok lets users lip-sync to their favourite songs and produce their own music videos. Some of the music choices contain swear words or sexual themes. So not only can children be exposed to potentially inappropriate content but they can broadcast themselves miming or singing these lyrics. In addition to this, some of the outfits and dance moves in videos can be overtly sexual and provocative. There have also been reports of some users sharing concerning content, such as videos that promote anorexia, porn, self-harm and violence.

While the swearing doesnt bother me as such as I dont mind her knowing swear words but I mind her using them its being able to access the other content that I do object to.
Apparently all her friends use TikTok to talk to each other, she is the only one who doesnt have it and I am a cow (thats what led to the tablet ban) because I wont let her have it. And dd is aware that she can lie about her age to get around the age restriction (its got an age limit of 13). There is also a live streaming function available once users get to 1000 likes. Over my dead body will she be live streaming anything.

So AIBU for not letting her have it? Fwiw DH is backing me in my stance and he is the more lenient of the two of us.

No you are not being unreasonable

Yanbu OP. It is a grim and dangerous app. I'd also be mentioning it to her friend's parents if you're close to them. A 9yr old should still be playing with toys fgs. Why the fuck are some parents letting their kids have so much uninhibited access to shite?! (excluding you obvs OP)

YANBU. 9 is far too young for social media.

Same in this house. No tactic and I'm the worst mother in the world.

Quite agree, my 11 nearly 12 year old isnt allowed it either.

Meh, it's pretty common for that age to have TikTok. As long as it's set up correctly and children's content is private and supervised closely, commenting is restricted to friends etc, I don't see the harm.

Do you not let them listen to music in case they come across inappropriate lyrics? They're everywhere.

When you were a little girl, didn't you mime/sing along to current hits and make up dances with your friends? We certainly did, and filmed ourselves with the camcorder or recorded onto tapes.

Use sense, and it's fine.

Just because many people think SM is perfectly fine for young children, it really is not, despite their desperate attempts to justify it being so. Do not cave, she is a little girl and she will not be in anyway disadvantaged by this.

It's a hard one because on one hand we want to protect our kids but on the other hand the way kids interact has changed and social media is now mainstream from a young age, those unable to participate with friends can fine themselves being excluded. I don't know about tictoc (I've seen ads for it but my older kids don't use it, Snapchat is king here) but look at what privacy settings you can set and the ability of friends to be able share content your dd posts. By banning it it could make it more desirable. If you can set it up securely then miming to songs with friends is quite a fun thing at that age

@SimulationTheorist using sense is not letting a 9yr old on social media that is accessible to all and sundry, and not letting them post things online that cannot be removed.

Be as woke as you like but you're harming your children if you let them on shite like this. You think the current generation of 30yr olds with massive body complexes, and utter misery and unhappiness with themselves, isn't partially caused by exposure to mainstream shit like unrealistic music videos, magazines, popgroups and unobtainable body images portrayed constantly, that is just presented in a different format these days??

It is not 'just a bit of fun'. It influences people, it affects them and their self esteem when they're at an age when they should be learning more play, learning resilience, not attaining to have 'likes' from random strangers to feel flattered and quantify their self worth.

Actually, it isn't open to anyone if it's locked down.
Parents have been letting their children upload videos to games like Just Dance for years - they aren't necessarily locked down either. It's all about parental control and supervision.

Again, if locked down, it isn't about receiving likes. It's about having fun singing and dancing to a song while filming yourself. The app is easy to use and has all the current music on it.

You sound a bit hysterical, WhiteRedRose. I've worked very closely with vulnerable children and have three degrees in learning/education so I am more than aware of what children "need". If set up correctly, it's singing and dancing, then watching themselves back. It's fun and appealing and there are no risks, but it depends on how aware or bothered the parent is about esafety.

Isn’t even a bloody age limit to this shite? I thought it was minimum 13? My DD11 knows about age limits and not to ask for them.

Well youp0rn and other shite are readily available, why don’t we all allow our kids to surf them, eh? Never saw such insane logic as I see here sometimes. It’s not “being woke”, it’s just lazy parenting.

Stick to your guns, a very young family member has posted something on that site that her mum is unaware of, mum is about to be informed (hard hats on) the "proverbial" is about to hit the fan. Mo way would I let my child on this site

@SimulationTheorist and you sound a bit patronising and oddly, like no 'child specialist' I have ever had the occasion to work alongside in my field. If you were as 'aware' as you say you are then you would also know how social media affects children and the impact it can have on them - and why it would never be good for a child as young as 9 to even have limited exposure to it (because they don't need it...). But I'm sure with your "three degrees" (🙄) you know all that already.

I'm actually anything but a lazy parent. I'm one that takes the time to research what children are into, look deeply into what things are, if they are suitable etc. I use my own judgement and allow what I think is suitable. I am shit hot on e-safety from working in child protection and having done many, many courses. So no, it isn't lazy parenting, it's making the effort to research and decide for yourself without listening to hysterics about parents who haven't bothered to set correct controls.

Aw, bless. Do you feel you have to try and belittle me because I have a different opinion to you? That's a shame for you. Hope you're OK x

Meh, it's pretty common for that age to have TikTok. As long as it's set up correctly and children's content is private and supervised closely, commenting is restricted to friends etc, I don't see the harm.

Do you really not see the harm ?? Are you that naive?

Off topic but can you tell me how you remotely monitor internet use please?

No, @SimulationTheorist, it is lazy parenting.

And people in my field have to clean up shitty, lazy parenting years later, because their kids are having issues and trouble coping with every day life. Mostly these days originating at early childhood use of social media and internet useage, 'e-safety' (where did you even get that term? 😂) controlled or not.

You might assume or believe your children are able to cope with it, but there are long term effects and subtle damage caused by it that you may not see for years. Every child is different.

The harm in supervising a child using a fully locked down app to sing along to music and watch themselves back? What's the harm? I'd be intrigued to know.

Im certainly not naive

Gorky, there are many, many apps out there that you can monitor Internet use on. Lots of them restrict certain apps or sites, cut everything off after a time limit, restrict access depending on age of the child etc. Have a Google, there is so much you can do to make the Internet safe for children to use.

WhiteRedRose - my field of research is the effects of technology on attainment. You're talking absolute crap, just so you know.

Where did I get the term e-safety? Are you joking?

You clearly know absolutely nothing about the subject you are getting hysterical over. Come back to me when you're aware of the actual terminology used 😂

I’m with simulation.

@SimulationTheorist and the fact you have to resort to trying to drag me down, instead of just talking, just proves, really, that you probably know bugger all about what you're claiming to. Don't forget to dust your "three degrees" before bed 😘 I'm sure you want to keep them sparkling, and relevant 👋

WhiteRed - You attempted to "drag me down" - have your hysterics made way for hypocrisy now?

Unfortunately, they're tucked away in a folder - wouldn't want them getting damaged now, would we?

Arguing about e-safety and then asking what e-safety even means 🤦‍♀️
E- safety has actually been around so long it's now on its way out and 'online safety' and others are now replacing it.

Even with a private account your child’s profile photo, username, and bio are still visible to all users on the platform.

TikTok is famous for being a favourite website of paedophiles and for inappropriate content like self harm material. They don't ban people for grooming either.

While you can protect your child through private account, no bio, non-identifying profile pic if their friends have public accounts and start to get competitive about likes and followers then you risk them going down that rabbit hole. There's lots of studies that suggests a strong correlation between using social media as a child and subsequent mental health and body image issues. I understand why 9 year olds might want to play with Snapchat filters or make videos but uploading it online is a decision that they can't really make right now. I think that many kids now will end up regretting uploading this crap online especially when future employers etc find this stuff online. Imagine the future prime minister's TikTok video coming to light lol I am so glad that there's no digital trace of my childhood.