Flaming tiktok- aibu

[heatingoninjune]

Yes my heating really IS on in June (thanks autoimmune disease, I'm permanently cold) and yes I have namechanged.

My 9 year old, y4 daughter thinks I'm highly unreasonable because I wont download TikTok onto her tablet which I have full parental controls over and a keylogger on, She knows I can see everything she does, remotely if I feel the need to. Cue almighty meltdown about TikTok tonight and a tablet ban for the next week unless its a) for homework and b) she produces her homework diary to prove it. Production of the homework diary is because she tried to flout the 'nothing questionable on youtube rule' by saying it was for her homework.

For those not in the know, this is what National Online Safety say about TikTok

By default, users accounts are automatically set to public when they first create an account. TikTok encourages users to share creative expression through their videos, but if posted publicly, anyone in the world can see your child’s homemade content. There have also been concerns the Chinese government could access data or sway public opinion through the app. If your child’s profile is open, strangers can use the app to comment on your child’s videos. While this isn’t always sinister, it gives potential predators the ability to contact your child through the platform.

TikTok lets users lip-sync to their favourite songs and produce their own music videos. Some of the music choices contain swear words or sexual themes. So not only can children be exposed to potentially inappropriate content but they can broadcast themselves miming or singing these lyrics. In addition to this, some of the outfits and dance moves in videos can be overtly sexual and provocative. There have also been reports of some users sharing concerning content, such as videos that promote anorexia, porn, self-harm and violence.

While the swearing doesnt bother me as such as I dont mind her knowing swear words but I mind her using them its being able to access the other content that I do object to.
Apparently all her friends use TikTok to talk to each other, she is the only one who doesnt have it and I am a cow (thats what led to the tablet ban) because I wont let her have it. And dd is aware that she can lie about her age to get around the age restriction (its got an age limit of 13). There is also a live streaming function available once users get to 1000 likes. Over my dead body will she be live streaming anything.

So AIBU for not letting her have it? Fwiw DH is backing me in my stance and he is the more lenient of the two of us.

But you're glad your DD is exposed to that?

No. I'm glad that DD would come and ask me about the things she has heard and not understood.

Story for you.
When DD was 9 (before she was on any SM) and in a 'naice' small village primary school she once shouted at me that she was going to "get you and rape you" when playing a game of tag in the garden .

After a conversation it turned out she meant she was going to jump on me (like the 'pile-on' game that I've seen kids playing). The boys in the school were saying it to the girls and chasing them round the field, trying to rugby tackle them to the ground.

I explained exactly what it meant and why it was a terrible thing to say - she was mortified, upset and eventually disgusted by the boys.

I told her then that she was always to come to me and could ask me anything, I'd always tell her the truth. So yes, I think that's a good thing.

The other thing was DS giving my other DS a "boner finger" which was the middle finger 🙄

That's not as bad as the butt plug incident but it was the last straw.

Your exact words were "I'd rather DD heard it and asked me."

I don't understand how that is preferable to her not hearing it at all?
You are willingly exposing her to sexual stuff but your argument is that it's ok because she asks you what it means.

Your "story" is what happens to every kid.
We can't stop them hearing what their friends say.
We have to do damage limitations and education there.

But to knowingly expose them to stuff like that? That's all kinds of wrong.

It's like allowing a 11 year old to watch an 18 Netflix series but it being ok as long as the kid asks their parents about all the stuff they see on there....
But I'm assuming that's exactly what will be there case with your daughter.
It's just a very screwed up way of parenting IMO.

Or she might google 'butt plug', which is what some boys in DD's class did on their phones. That was how DD got exposed to pornography in Year 6 because they thought it was funny. Even if I had heard the word at 10 I would have had no way of looking it up or seeing it in use on a video.

DD's secondary school has a list of websites and apps they advise parents against, one of which is TikTok, because of the copying of videos to other social media, often for mockery by others. It also has a school warning about inappropriate content, not just being seen and heard but also produced by pupils in an attempt to get more likes and follower.

Her friends who have sat through hours of internet safety don't seem to have taken any of it in. As an example: one 12 year old is followed by 1800 people on instagram (double the number of children in her school), sharing every minutiae of her life. Her bio includes her school, her year and her town. On her bio is a link to a site called Tellonym.me where anyone can ask her an anonymous question. On that site she has given away her full birthday, including year, her school, all of her personal problems, her likes and dislikes and everyone in her friendship group by name. From there you can see the tellonym pages of at least 8 of her school friends where they have replied to her under their named accounts.

My concerns about these sorts of apps are access to strangers, inappropriate content (once they see it or hear it then it can't be unheard), risky or silly behaviour for likes or attention, uncontrolled sharing, advertising, self esteem issues and the fact that these things are addictive time sinks.

Oh give over. You are just being dickish now.

DD knows a lot of things I'd rather she didn't know, from a myriad of sources - music, friends, social media, TV, books. I am open and honest with her and I'm
not going to demonise SM for the sake of it. She's actually far more 'innocent' than I was at her age, and there was no SM to blame back then!

I'm not wrapping her in cotton wool and telling her the world is all fairies and unicorns - Simply watching the 6 o'clock news shows her sex, violence, terrorism, death et al. The world is changing and I believe we need to change with it. I'd rather my DD was prepared and able to deal.

Mine use it and their accounts are private so videos can’t be ‘liked’ or viewed by strangers. If you don’t want her to have it stick to your guns, personally we haven’t had any issues with it but if a child starts to develop the need for ‘likes’ and doesn’t have a private account then yes it could be a toxic app.

DD knows a lot of things I'd rather she didn't know, from a myriad of sources - music, friends, social media, TV, books.

Exactly! And you don't try to do damage limitations at all? You just let her be exposed to it all?

And I'm the one being dickish?

If protecting my child from inappropriate content (for his age) is being 'dickish' then what the fuck does that make you?

Moonsick - that's a parental issue then.

DontBite You're being unreasonable. LtEve can't wrap a kid in cotton wool and keep her locked in a cupboard. Of course kids hear/read/see things, even if you destroy their future success by helicoptering them all the time. Give over.

LtEve is doing damage limitation by explaining actual facts to the child rather than letting them run around saying they'll rape people.

As a year 6 teacher I would say she is wayyy too young, I’d be very surprised if all her friends were on it with their parents’ consent and you are right to think these apps are potentially dangerous. There is the issue of predators seeing and contacting young children but actually the most common issue we have to deal with in schools (because for some reason what children do in their bedrooms after school has now fallen under a school’s remit) is bullying. Child a posts video (ours were using musically), child b posts mean comment, child c, d, e also say mean things, child a is devastated. I honestly can’t see the positives. The age restrictions are there for a reason and are an excellent excuse as to why she can’t go on it.

SpoonBlender why willingly expose a child to more when they are already exposed to so much with their friends and books etc?
As if they need more exposure at such a young age?

But whatever floats your boat.
Good luck to you I guess.

Yes, a child asking about butt plugs would be a safeguarding issue. We’ve instigated safeguarding protocol for less extreme things.

DontBite, just because your DC is untrustworthy, don't assume mine is too. I have never had to ban mine from SM for disobeying me, she's completely open about what she is seeing and posting and comes to me whenever there is something that she is confused, unsettled or concerned about. She can self-censor as a result, and is far safer because of it.

Eh? What the chuff are you on about? He did nothing behind my back (that's my other son) this was in plain sight and supervision of me. He asked if he could watch tiktok, as we had done a million times before.
I said yes, and out spilled buttplug-gate.

So tiktok is now banned for him. Because he is only 8.

I assume you mean my other son? He's nearly 13 and doesn't need quite the level of protecting that my other son and your daughter need. And wasn't who I was referring to.

I'm bored of this conversation.

Have fun explaining fucked up sexual stuff to your very young daughter.
Lovely!

And LOL and "she can self-sensor" 😂😂😂😂😂

*censor
Still 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Have you actually seen how tiktok works?
You scroll to the next video with absolutely no idea what it is until you have seen it.

How the hell can she self-censor that?!

My DD is 14. As I said, upthread. She didn't have TikTok at 9, again as I said upthread. You are the one that allowed an 8 year old to use it, not me

Yes and I was very wrong for doing so. I got my fingers burnt there, big time.

I thought we were talking about a 9 yo girl. Good lord, 14?

In which case my replies were for the people earlier on in the thread who were happy for their 9 year olds to have tiktok.

I think 9 is just too young to understand all this though.

Maybe for yours. My just turned 10 yo has done the same as your 12 yo for at least the last year. She berates me any time I use personal info online (e.g ordering things on amazon) She is quite clear about what you don’t do online. She asks when she is doing anything and we have appropriate controls where they need to be without locking absolutely everything down. Kids need to be taught and you don’t do that by never letting them do anything.