Flaming tiktok- aibu

[heatingoninjune]

Yes my heating really IS on in June (thanks autoimmune disease, I'm permanently cold) and yes I have namechanged.

My 9 year old, y4 daughter thinks I'm highly unreasonable because I wont download TikTok onto her tablet which I have full parental controls over and a keylogger on, She knows I can see everything she does, remotely if I feel the need to. Cue almighty meltdown about TikTok tonight and a tablet ban for the next week unless its a) for homework and b) she produces her homework diary to prove it. Production of the homework diary is because she tried to flout the 'nothing questionable on youtube rule' by saying it was for her homework.

For those not in the know, this is what National Online Safety say about TikTok

By default, users accounts are automatically set to public when they first create an account. TikTok encourages users to share creative expression through their videos, but if posted publicly, anyone in the world can see your child’s homemade content. There have also been concerns the Chinese government could access data or sway public opinion through the app. If your child’s profile is open, strangers can use the app to comment on your child’s videos. While this isn’t always sinister, it gives potential predators the ability to contact your child through the platform.

TikTok lets users lip-sync to their favourite songs and produce their own music videos. Some of the music choices contain swear words or sexual themes. So not only can children be exposed to potentially inappropriate content but they can broadcast themselves miming or singing these lyrics. In addition to this, some of the outfits and dance moves in videos can be overtly sexual and provocative. There have also been reports of some users sharing concerning content, such as videos that promote anorexia, porn, self-harm and violence.

While the swearing doesnt bother me as such as I dont mind her knowing swear words but I mind her using them its being able to access the other content that I do object to.
Apparently all her friends use TikTok to talk to each other, she is the only one who doesnt have it and I am a cow (thats what led to the tablet ban) because I wont let her have it. And dd is aware that she can lie about her age to get around the age restriction (its got an age limit of 13). There is also a live streaming function available once users get to 1000 likes. Over my dead body will she be live streaming anything.

So AIBU for not letting her have it? Fwiw DH is backing me in my stance and he is the more lenient of the two of us.

P.s nspcc now use online safety. Check the menu on their website.

But it's not really relevant.
I can't believe anyone in this day and age wouldn't have heard of the term e-safety

We don't have Ofsted here

Young children are very capable of using the correct language. It's a pity some think they aren't.

The NSPCC use a bit of both.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/schools/e-safety-for-schools/

Problem is that nothing on the Internet is truly private.

Why wouldn't a Reception child understand E-safety? How bizarre. Do you often find that babying language works then

No, we wouldn’t expect 4-year-olds to understand what's meant by the term e-safety. We use a rich and varied language with doesn’t rely on using outdated, specific terms, when day to day language will do.

With our children who are non-verbal (mainstream school), Makaton helps to build their language skills. Would you call this “babying” too? If so, it shows how little you understand about the acquisition of language in small children.

Meh. I'm with Simulation Theory. DD has had TikTok (previously musical.ly) for around 4 years (since she was 10). She's made loads of funny, clever and cool vids from a wide range of music clips. She was completely locked down until she was 13, and now shares some of her better vids (she did one this weekend that about being with the 'love of her life' - her dog ).

I'm happy that she knows what she is doing, and that I knew what she was doing when she was younger.

OP you're not being unreasonable. Regardless of the raging debates over terminology the simple fact is that once something is on the t'internet it is on there, never to be removed. You can have as many lockdowns and controls as you like but a) if someone wants to access it badly enough they will find a workaround and b) what they think is amazing fun now aged 9,10,11 may not seem that way when they're in their 20s, 30s and beyond. Of course we all have been kids, singing into the hairbrush in front of the mirror and dancing to questionable routines. Some of us were even young enough to have been caught on a video camera (that needed ten men to carry it and makes you sea sick when you watch it as it's so shaky!) the difference is our performances were viewed by family and close friends, not posted onto a world wide forum (as in World Wide Web!!!) to remain there ad infinitum! So, OP, carry on being "a cow," I most certainly intend to carry on and one day they'll look back, minus their online histories, and think thank goodness we were!!

How odd that you'd avoid specific language for day-to-day terms. Thankfully I've never heard of teachers doing that here.

Why are you bringing non-verbal children into it? Goodness me, you really do want to derail this thread, don't you? How sad for you - it's Sunday, go and do something fun! I will be as soon as DS vacates the bathroom

Do those who have kids watching tiktok videos - you're ok with them hearing about butt plugs?

Dd9 has it. She doesn’t post any videos. She barely watches anything on there and checks with me if she wants to. She just uses it to chat to her friends and it’s fully locked down.

You're talking a lot of sense simulationtheorist.

Tiktoc used to be called music.ly and caught a lot of parents out.
My DD is 12 and has unrestricted internet access but is very cautious about what she views and always asks permission before downloading any apps
I've taken the view that she is probably more computer literate than I am, so no point in trying to outsmart her. Instead we've taken the tack of explaining some of the dangers and she is mindful of keeping herself safe. She is not allowed to have Instagram or Facebook or Twitter, she can use my Pinterest account, but does have WhatsApp but is only on a limited number of group chats (not school ones) which she is abiding with.
I think 9 is just too young to understand all this though.
It is really difficult when all their friends have it though.

The thing is, those who ban and forbid things stand a good chance of having children who will try and access these things in secret, or somewhere else, where because they've been so restricted they won't have a clue about safety. I find being open and honest is the best way to be, as well as researching massively as a parent, supervision and actually learning about these things.

Sadly, then there are the parents who just don't give a shit what their children do. That's why it's important for them to learn in school, from the start.

TikTok minimum age is 13. YANBU. Stick to your guns @heatingoninjune

My DD is 10 and is on tiktok

I read up a lot before allowing her an account, and it is private, anon and she only shares her face with pre agreed followers

The videos she creates are amazing, great editing skills and patience to work hard to recreate some great effects.

As for butt plugs... I don't tend to .make a big deal about sex, I explain in a factual manner if asked about such things. So far she hasn't seen anything like that, you can limit content

SimulationTheorist not in my case. And yes in my case at the same time 🙄

Ds (12) has Instagram. I joined Instagram to keep an eye on him. A 40+ year old woman with her breasts very much on show (no nipples) friended him and his friends and he followed her back, despite repeatedly telling not to do exactly that just 48 hours before.

So he was banned for a while.

Then I allowed him again and I found out he was making secret accounts. As well as the account I allowed him to have.
And worse still, he used my email address and had accidentally posted my phone number publicly.

He now is banned from using Instagram because he repeatedly abused my trust yet I'm pretty sure he's got a secret account with his friends help - because that's exactly what I would have done at that age.

So I'm fucked either way.

Honeybooboo exposing a child to sexual things like this can be considered sexual abuse - depending on what context.

If your 10 year old was to approach their teacher and ask them what a butt plug was, I have absolute no doubt that her teacher would be flagging that up as a safeguarding issue. She wouldn't be doing her job if she didn't.

But let me guess - your daughter wouldn't do that? Not discuss the content she saw with her friends at school?

How sad for you - it's Sunday, go and do something fun!

Says the person who’s still on here, replying to my posts

I’ve been teaching for 20 years and consequently been in dozens of training sessions on e-safety and sat through umpteen assemblies run by Childline etc about it. The OP’s stance is absolutely correct.

My partners children both under 10 had tiktok on their tablets but had their accounts made private. They knew that if anything rude or with swearing came on they were to swipe past it.

However they have now been made to delete it as they were singing songs they had heard on there and although there was no obvious swearing or rudeness in them the lyrics had very inappropriate connotations which I was not comfortable them repeating when they thought it was innocent.

Plus with all the internet safety issues and safeguarding children, YANBU and social media should be for adults only!

Do those who have kids watching tiktok videos - you're ok with them hearing about butt plugs?

Over the years DD has asked me a number of 'awkward' questions - each time I have answered her factually (and generally got an "ewww" back ). Most have come from conversations with her friends rather than TikTok or other SM sites.

Music is full of questionable lyrics, swear words and violent or sexual content. I'd rather DD heard it and asked me, I'm glad she does.

@haverhill and if a child of 9 or 10 talked to you about butt plugs would you be concerned?

I'd rather DD heard it and asked me, I'm glad she does.

Jesus wept.
And you don't care what age she's exposed to it?
I get that my 12-13 year old is going to hear loads of stuff at secondary school and I would like him to ask me about it too.

But 9 years old?

Nope. Far too young to be exposed to sexual things such as butt plugs.

But you're glad your DD is exposed to that?

Something is seriously fucked up with that.
How far does it go? Anal sex? Rape?
Have you hear some of Eminem's lyrics?
But you're glad she hears it so she can ask you about it?

I'm genuinely mouth gaping at this.

I’m not really ok with her watching a video about butt plugs, no. But she asks me before watching anything so that’s unlikely to be a problem.

How do you know it's going to involve something like that until the video is over and it's been seen though?? This is how we were caught out.

There was something else that we saw that was bad as well but I can't remember. I need to ask my other son.