Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking my friend should come home?

81 replies

Breastfeedingworries · 01/06/2019 21:32

Basically long story short close family friend met partner on a camping holiday, he’s from the U.K. but lives in New Zealand, anyway she’s moved there living everyone and is smitten kitten. It’s been less than a 1 year she’s lived there as moved in sept and they now have an owned house ect and jobs and she’s trying to get Visa.

Anyhoo they’ve got two dogs and she’s just found out she’s pregnant with twins.

Am I being unreasonable thinking she’ll be mega stuck first time Mum no friends or family and partner works away in the week?

She’s saying people will visit but it’s not a short plane ride is it? It’s basically a once a year for family type distance, friends maybe every few years if they could afford it.

She loves it there for the weather and lifestyle but being new Mum myself you don’t get out, it’s going to be madness with 2 and 2 dogs alone.

Wish she’d move home with her partner and they’d all live in the uk, his family are all here too. I think their dream could become a nightmare am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DoneLikeAKipper · 01/06/2019 21:35

I think their dream could become a nightmare am I being unreasonable?

Yes, hugely so. Massive case of mind your own bloody business here.

AllFourOfThem · 01/06/2019 21:36

YABU

I moved when DD1 was six weeks old and didn’t know anyone but have made a great circle of friends. She is clearly happy there and wants to stay. I suspect you are projecting your feelings of maternity leave and parenthood onto her and she might feel very differently.

nannytwins · 01/06/2019 21:36

You are been highly unreasonable!
It's none of your business how your friend wants to live her life!!

Freddiefox · 01/06/2019 21:38

She loves it there for the weather and lifestyle but being new Mum myself you don’t get out, it’s going to be madness with 2 and 2 dogs alone

I got out a lot when mine where little, and made lots of lovely friends, tbh having a baby widens your network

EnterUsernameHere · 01/06/2019 21:39

You're not unreasonable for thinking she will be stuck etc but you are definitely unreasonable to let it concern you so much you'd make a thread about it. You've said yourself that she loves it there. Let her live her own life.

sonjadog · 01/06/2019 21:40

Yup. really not your business. It might work out and it might not, but it´s entirely their business.

OliviaBenson · 01/06/2019 21:40

It's ok to use your friend. But don't pretend this is out of any concern for her-this is all your feelings which you are projecting.

She's happy. Why does it bother you so much?

somuchinfo · 01/06/2019 21:40

I was reading it thinking .... why are you so invested in there life?

OliviaBenson · 01/06/2019 21:41

To miss* your friend. Bloody autocorrect..

SavoyCabbage · 01/06/2019 21:41

😮 I’ve lived in Australia and come home and I’m much happier here in the uk......but you are being absolutely ridiculous! She will make friends, especially with two dogs and then two babies.

If she’s happy there, she would be mad to move back here as a single parent and the children wouldn’t have a father. It’s the worst idea ever.

Sparklesocks · 01/06/2019 21:42

I think you mean well but it’s not really your business, your friend is happy and excited and you should be supportive. She could join mummy groups there so she’s not alone, but the bottom line is you don’t know her life better than she does.

Be supportive of her exciting life changes and be there for her. Even if you’re right, it’s not a case of ‘I told you so’ but supporting and being a good friend.

MaudebeGonne · 01/06/2019 21:42

It's going to be a massive adjustment wherever she is, but adding a cross planet move during her pregnancy isn't going to make life easier for any of them.

Best start saving up and planning a trip over there!

Holdthedamndoor · 01/06/2019 21:45

What? You think she should leave her partner and have the babies here and live here, so you dint have to fly to visit there?

She has set up home there. So bizarre.

Whatsername7 · 01/06/2019 21:46

I think yabu but I dont think you mean to be. You miss your friend. Now she is starting a family you feel like you've lost her as she is unlikely to move home now. Its ok to feel sad in private, but you should try to be happy for her too.

Sweetbabycheezits · 01/06/2019 21:47

YABU. I moved to the UK when my ds was 6 weeks old, and our dd followed 15 months later. I did struggle a bit when they were tiny (doesn't everyone to some degree?) but once they started playgroups and classes, I was able to get out and meet people. I went back to work and then to uni when they were 2 and 1, so I was able make connections. When they started school, I made lots of proper friends, so it was only a year or two of hard graft before it got better. If she's happy and the relationship is solid, she will get through it. In my experience, people who choose to live in a different country are generally keen to get out and meet people, so perhaps she'll seek out other parents-to-be before her babies arrive. Prepare to be a virtual support, but encouraging her to move home isn't all that helpful.

GarthFunkel · 01/06/2019 21:50

She needs to be prepared to live there for the next 18 years. Bringing the twins back to the UK would be very difficult if her DP refuses permission. I'd be worried about that with someone she's only known a year. However you are making it all about you and that's not the right way to go.

GreytExpectations · 01/06/2019 21:53

YABU. Its her life and she is happy so mind your own business. Dont assume all women have the same experience as you had with motherhood. Plenty do get out loads. You are projecting on your friend and its not very nice

lyralalala · 01/06/2019 21:56

She loves it there for the weather and lifestyle but being new Mum myself you don’t get out, it’s going to be madness with 2 and 2 dogs alone.

Having the babies might actually be where she makes more friends than before. When you move kids open doors for you to other people at a similar stage in life.

And with twins I had to get out most days as that was my sanity saved.

If it doesn't work out she can come home, but if she's happy why are you so determined it's going to be awful?

LadyRannaldini · 01/06/2019 21:56

It might surprise you OP but not every new mum finds it necessary to be surgically attached to their family, a new baby isn't such a lot of work, I never felt the need for 'support', whatever than means.
I was more than happy, relieved even, to have our two abroad and devoid of 'advice' from others.
If as a new mum you 'don't get out' then you need to sort yourself out a bit and get organised.

SteamSoup · 01/06/2019 21:57

Yabu. I moved abroad 10 weeks before my first dc was born. Got a support network, it was all good. Now (due to job) were back living not far from our UK home town but I feel more alone now, despite having family short distance away.

SilverySurfer · 01/06/2019 21:58

You're being ridiculous.

CruellaFeinberg · 01/06/2019 21:59

wow imagine being all on her own in another country... with twins.... cant imagine how she will make friends and get through this terrible time

she will be fine and if she's not she can come back to the UK if she feels she wants to

I didn't get a much physical support outside the family with my DC and we managed fine

poglets · 01/06/2019 21:59

Yes, no idea why you are so invested in her choices. If you can't be supportive then step back. Anything else is not only unhelpful but unhealthy.

Andcake · 01/06/2019 22:00

Definately unreasonable. Tbh having kids is probably the best way to meet new people in a new place. My existing friends ( and family) have been good but tbh barely touch the sides in practical and emotional support compared to friends I've made along the way from school mums to nct contacts some who I'm no longer in contact with but at the time I had a lovely social life. My friends children are older or younger so doc get bored. Much nicer to chat and socialise whilst dc play at a safe distance!

Andcake · 01/06/2019 22:00

Definately unreasonable. Tbh having kids is probably the best way to meet new people in a new place. My existing friends ( and family) have been good but tbh barely touch the sides in practical and emotional support compared to friends I've made along the way from school mums to nct contacts some who I'm no longer in contact with but at the time I had a lovely social life. My friends children are older or younger so doc get bored. Much nicer to chat and socialise whilst dc play at a safe distance!