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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking my friend should come home?

81 replies

Breastfeedingworries · 01/06/2019 21:32

Basically long story short close family friend met partner on a camping holiday, he’s from the U.K. but lives in New Zealand, anyway she’s moved there living everyone and is smitten kitten. It’s been less than a 1 year she’s lived there as moved in sept and they now have an owned house ect and jobs and she’s trying to get Visa.

Anyhoo they’ve got two dogs and she’s just found out she’s pregnant with twins.

Am I being unreasonable thinking she’ll be mega stuck first time Mum no friends or family and partner works away in the week?

She’s saying people will visit but it’s not a short plane ride is it? It’s basically a once a year for family type distance, friends maybe every few years if they could afford it.

She loves it there for the weather and lifestyle but being new Mum myself you don’t get out, it’s going to be madness with 2 and 2 dogs alone.

Wish she’d move home with her partner and they’d all live in the uk, his family are all here too. I think their dream could become a nightmare am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Stpancras · 02/06/2019 05:31

I live abroad and my husband went back to work (by necessity!) when my first was two days old. I just got on with it! We now have two 8 and 4, lots of friends and family who visit twice a year. Not everyone needs or wants help!!

HennyPennyHorror · 02/06/2019 05:45

I left England to live in Australia...DH is Aussie. I have never been happier.

Even if we split...I'd stay here. My DC are Australian now....England is "the old country" to us.

Before I moved here, we'd lived in England and never felt settled. Before I made the choice...I thought about it hard and the one thing that decided it was this..."if we did split, would I want to come home to the UK?" and the answer was no. I knew I'd still be happy as a single parent if shit went wrong in Oz.

My family and friends were very, very sad....and I was sad because they were....but I'm not dead. I'm here...just a day away.

ComeAndDance · 02/06/2019 05:54

Tbh you haven’t got a clue and you are being totally ridiculous.
Do you realise you are basically saying your friend is unable to stand on her two feet on own? That she can’t possibly have a child on her own wo any help??
But that somehow it would be better for her to be wo her partner and her dcs wo a father?!?

Women have children and raise them with no family support all the time.You don’t need to be on the other side of. The word. If she was living in Newcastle and you/her family was in Shropshire, you would expect her to get on with it with as little help as she will have. (Don’t fool yourself, even with such a short distance you wouldn’t be able offer more than a supportive phone call).
I have to say I’m Shock that you think it would be ok to separate the children from their father too...

TitianaTitsling · 02/06/2019 06:25

My family live a 5 minutes drive from us, your friend will probably see her family in UK more often than l see mine due to their complete lack of interest in their grandchildren!

cookiechomper · 02/06/2019 09:18

Maybe she will regret it and want to come home, maybe it will be the best thing she's ever done. No one on here can give you the answer to that. But you're unreasonable to think it's your business. It's her life to live.

Shallowhals · 02/06/2019 11:54

I sort of agree but then I’m also projecting. I lived in oz for many years and saw so many struggle when a baby came along and most ended up going home, unless they were married to Australians and had that support network.

My sister struggled massively when she had her baby out there and moved home when her DS was 6 months, it’s just too far from home if you’re the type to appreciate your family’s support.

Obviously it will massively depend on the type of person your friend is? Some people thrive in any situation and adapt well to parenthood (I didn’t!) And it will also depend on her experience of birth/the post natal phase, but yes I imagine twins will be tough bloody going being at the other end of the world.

awalkintheparka · 02/06/2019 12:01

I struggled in a new city by myself with my DC. But I made loads of friends and I didn't want to move in the first place. If she loves it there then she will be fine. She will make friends and meet new people. I totally think you are blowing the way out of proportion but probably only from a good place. I would stay out of it. She can always move home if she hates it. The joys of travel.

Birdie6 · 02/06/2019 12:17

New Zealand is a wonderful place, and the people are super friendly. If she has been there for a year ( and he has been there for 7 years) I'm sure they have heaps of friends. They also have a house and jobs - sounds perfect. When she has the babies she'll be fine ! Many women have babies and don't' have family nearby, and they are perfectly OK. Your friend will be fine - you might need family around you but not everyone does.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 03/06/2019 07:48

It amazes me the number of people who don't understand that it is possible to have children with out a 'support network'. Even twins. It's even possible to enjoy your life you know!

SmellMySmellbow · 03/06/2019 07:53

She will have a support network though? That she can lean on. Her new friends - those she's already made and ones she will make once the twins are born. I never had any help from family nor any old friends (they all lived a few hours away) and was totally fine, it motivated me to make new local ones. Far nicer for the kids to be brought up in NZ than UK I should imagine.

Smelborp · 03/06/2019 07:53

From a legal POV she could have issues. She’s not married and doesn’t have a visa. In her shoes I’d want to check: could she be made to leave and the twins would have to stay in NZ as it’s their place of residence?

fargo123 · 03/06/2019 08:10

It amazes me the number of people who don't understand that it is possible to have children with out a 'support network'. Even twins. It's even possible to enjoy your life you know!

Exactly. If visitors wanted to feed/bathe/change/play with the baby for the novelty of it I let them crack on with it, but I never expected anyone to take over my basic parenting duties.

mamaoffourdc · 03/06/2019 08:12

Nope - I had all four of my babies over there with pets and no family! Nzers are really good about looking after each other

ShatnersWig · 03/06/2019 08:12

Smitten kitten. Mega stuck. Anyhoo.

YABU for crimes against language unless you and your friends are teenagers.

Pk37 · 03/06/2019 08:22

I think it’s nothing to do with you or what you think .

fedup21 · 03/06/2019 08:27

She sounds really happy. Why do you not sound happy for her?!

Clutterbugsmum · 03/06/2019 08:28

Just because you didn't cope well with having a DC doesn't mean your friend will.

The shear fact she moved half way around the world, bought a house and is looking to get a permanent visa, she is well aware of what she doing and what she wants to do.

The fact YOU don't like that your friend moved so far away is your problem not hers.

Why did not leave the house once you had a child, why did you have to have to have so much support so you could cope.

chazm84 · 03/06/2019 09:50

She might miss the close family/friend support but NZ has a really good range of antenatal classes, coffee groups, multiple birth groups and baby classes. This is where I made all my mum friends as my good friends were lovely but mostly childfree and still working full time.

Witchend · 03/06/2019 10:06

I moved to a totally new area when 37 weeks pregnant. Knew no one.
It was great for meeting new people

NCforthis2019 · 03/06/2019 10:14

You sound incredibly selfish. Do you really think everyone gets help from parents etc?moved years ago and now have 2 kids, we have zero help from anyone. And - shock horror, I’ve made friends and went out of the house weekly with both children when I was in maternity leave...... your friend living her life is none of your business.

mbosnz · 03/06/2019 10:36

If he's been there 7 years, they'll have a good friend and support network there. The care she will get is excellent - you choose your own midwife, who you know will be the one to help you give birth (barring any issues). Generally we're accounted a pretty friendly bunch, and we love babies! (Not all of us, obviously, but lots of us. . .) Oh, and dogs. I'm sure her family will find a way to visit, as will his, that is what normally happens. We have all the same sort of Mums and Babes groups and activities there, as you do here. There is a very strong expat' UK network and community in most regions.

Coming back to the UK isn't really any guarantee of better support from friends and family. And some people are actually happier just getting on with it and doing it on their own, without external input. At least, if you only rely upon yourselves, you're less likely to be let down!

I have a friend in the UK who has discovered she is pregnant. Well, actually, two of them. One of them has a toddler. We're offering to take the toddler if need be when she goes into labour, and we will always be available for a friendly ear, we'll be providing meals, we'll be here to look after toddler, and after the babes, if and when they want. Their parents are tremendously excited, and flights have already been booked! Folks is folks the world over.

What might seem unimaginable to one, is more than doable, and really rather preferable, to another.

BlueSkiesLies · 03/06/2019 10:38

Can’t you be happy for your friend? Loving her partner, got dogs and twins on the way and enjoying NZ. Why must you try and drag her down with “you’re going to be lonely and no one will visit”

SparklyMagpie · 03/06/2019 10:44

What makes you think it's going to be exactly the same experience you had?! Confused

stucknoue · 03/06/2019 10:49

I moved with a newborn, it's actually the easiest time to make friends. It's their choice, they can always come home in the future

NameChangeMcgee · 03/06/2019 10:52

Honestly, the biggest issue for her will be the visa. Otherwise, new babies are probably the best way to meet people and get involved in a new country!