Parents babysitting, left son home alone!

[oldtiredlonely]

So tonight I went out and asked my parents to babysit. Asked them a week ago they said fine, all good! However, DS called me at 10:45 to say my parents were still not back from the pub!

I know they go most evenings, have a couple and as far as I knew were home by 9. DS is 13 so I don't really have a problem with that. But I won't leave him home alone past 9:30/10.l (I rarely go out anyway but that's another post).

When he called saying they weren't home I text and called my mum and got no reply. DS text 5 minutes later to say they were home.

My mum then text to say 'At home and have been since 22 45. Sorry did'nt see message xx'

I replied saying DS had called to say you weren't home to which she replied 'Why! He has'nt been down since we came in. So what was the problem ?'

I sent 'He was home alone past a time I'm comfortable with. I asked you to babysit so that he wasn't home alone! It's my decision whether I leave him home alone or not. Not yours. Don't worry I won't put you in that position again.'

To which she replied 'Sorry you feel like that . We did'nt go out till gone 8. My apologises. Xx'

AIBU to assume that if my mum says she'll babysit she'll actually be at home?

My dd is 13 and very sensible and grown up for her age, she would hate being left on her own at night, in the day she wouldn't care. My nephew is same age and doesnt bat a eye lid over being left.
If you dc was bothered then it is a problem in my view and i wouldnt be happy

At 13 I didn't have babysitters anyway unless we we away overnight. It's a bit irresponsible of her but I can see both sides. I would consider if it is necessary in the future

My nearly 14 year old also wouldn't like being alone in a house - especially not her own house - late at night, not knowing when anyone would get home. She'd be fine with her younger brothers there though (not that she should have to babysit, but she wouldn't be worried if they were there).

It's not really about needing a babysitter but about being alone when it's dark and late and especially past the time you'd usually be asleep and the knowing the door will open at some point but not knowing when. It's actually less unsettling to know nobody will come home til morning, because you're not half waiting to hear someone come in.

Even some adults don't like being home alone late at night, and although it's something adults should learn to deal with it doesn't reflect badly on a 13 year old, especially when he's not in his own home.

*especially if it were not her own house, that should say

I just think it's really sad they wouldn't give up one evening at the pub, when they go every night, to spend time with their grandson. Your DS probably feels a bit rejected, I think I would in those circumstances.

Also he was probably getting anxious that they weren't coming back. 13 is fine to be left alone for a while but if they weren't going to be home until nearly eleven and you and he were ok with him being alone until then, you could've gone to your thing and come home at eleven instead of twelve and he couldn't stayed at home. They've let you both down.

I think it’s a bit weird that they went out at all while their GS was there. Normally in my family babysitting/looking after is a chance to spend some time with a child or young person you don’t see every day. I’d never leave my 13 year old niece in to head to the pub with her uncle, not even for safety just for not seeming very loving or interested in her. I’d get nice food and see if she wanted to see a film or go bowling or something.

I used to be in alone a lot in my teens due to separated parents and mum’s shiftwork and I hated being alone after ten when dark and struggled to sleep when it was just me so completely understand your son’s position. I think some people either were fine in this situation or never had to spend nights alone as a kid, and struggle to understand that not everyone feels the same about things. 13 is not an adult although they might seem grown up.

@barbarian... poor woman? She's 'babysat' a handful of times since I moved back here almost a year ago. My son goes to their house, she never comes here, he takes his XBox and largely entertains himself. It is just a case of someone being in the house with him. And I am there to support her as much as she is there to support me. (Taking her shopping/picking them up from the airport/looking after their house while they were on holiday).

My mum doesn't have a drink problem, she only has a few drinks when they go out and she never ever drinks in the house, it is a social thing. My dad cannot hold a conversation since his stroke so I understand she gets lonely.

My family actively encouraged me to move back 'home'. She frequently said when I was miles away that she 'wishes she could be there for me' when my life went to shit.

All sounds very strange. They didn't babysit!
Surely you must know your parents and how reliable they are by now though !

It doesn't matter how old he is! If I was asked to babysit a 30 year old, it isn't my place to leave them and go to the pub. I've been asked to babysit so I would babysit!

It is ridiculous to go out and leave him, it is not up to them what age you choose. For all they know he can't be alone as last time you left him alone for a night he did something really bad! I think you are definitely right for being upset and not asking them again.

OP I have a 13 year old and while we would both be ok with him being home alone till 10/11 ish, I wouldn't be happy leaving him to go to bed on his own.. That's th difference 45 mins make to those posters saying they cant see the difference.

I've had to say no to longer work hours where I would have to leave a sleeping DS at 5.30 (his Dad goes out earlier). I'm not happy leaving him in bed but quite a few people have been surprised at this.

If you dont feel comfortable with this OP then you dont

They might as well have said no.

I remember being a young teen & getting a bit creeped out being in the house alone past a certain time.

Also now in my 50s I find it hard to sleep if I'm alone overnight.

YADNBU. They might as well have not been there at all. My DS is a confident 15 yr old. However, he doesn't like being on his own at home when it's late and dark.
What was your mum's reason for not giving up the pub for this one evening?

'mum went out and nana left me alone while she and grandad were at the pub all night
They were out for 2 hours not all night. Stop being so bloody precious, he's 13 not 3! My DD13 would be mortified if I told her she needed babysat. If you're ok to leave him until 10 then 10.45 is ok, anything could happen if this was your home; held up, missed a bus, does nobody bring their kids up to be independent and capable and not little scaredy cats 🙄

I would be angry OP, especially as they're not asked all the time, they put their need for alcohol first.
Ok he is 13 so would have been ok, ifmitmwas prearranged they should have looked after him.
I don't ask mine to babysit at all. DM likes a drink, I went to a wedding when DS was 7months, I asked DM not to drink, she was drinking vodka from a mug while babysitting.
I rarely if ever get to go out with DP, unless we bring the DC.

@Bookworm4 surely it's not about 'raising scaredy cats', it's about grandparents who rarely look after their grandson going to go to the pub (something they do every night, this was not a special occasion) rather than actually spend some time with their grandchild. If they didn't want to see him or didn't want their evening plans interrupted they should've just said no. If he was going to spend the evening alone he would've been better off in his own home.

@Zippy
These threads are always full of parents overreacting and coddling their kids, the OP is massively overreacting, he's not a baby, because she asked her mother to babysit that means they've to sit glued to the child?, they probably agreed because at 13 it's not really babysitting and like many others assumed he would be ok for 2 hrs. But OP is prepared to cut her nose off because she wasn't obeyed. 🙄

@BarbarianMum Fiven the situation the OP describes I would be very surprised if the OP doesn’t give at least an equal amount of support to her parents than she receives. And as for going forward I dearsay she can look forward to plenty more.

OP I think they behaved badly but they clearly have issues. Good luck with finding new friends.

I see it as a trust issue- age of child and the time is irrelevant imo. You asked them to do something , they agreed and then didn't do it.

I agree with @OddCat it's a trust issue, and Op also said she sat down with her DS and he said it was what he was comfortable with.

Regardless of age, someone was left feeling vulnerable when it would have been avoided

OP my mum used to leave me every night form age 11. When my ds1 was that age, I made a comment about having to ask his dad to have him as I’d been invited out. She replied ‘I used to leave you and you were fine, you molly coddle him too much’- yes that’s why I’m under the psychiatric services now, and one thing we are trying to undo, is all that ‘work’ she done, like my fear of being home alone.

I would be pissed off too OP. My son is 13 and he’s fine in on his own (I left him in all morning while I took my youngest to a trip) but I don’t know if he’d be happy or feel comfortable being home alone that late at night especially when it is dark. I’d be pretty pissed off that having agreed to babysit they couldn’t forego an evening in the pub just once.

Yanbu. Sitting in the pub is not babysitting.

I remember being left alone with my friend at 13. It was exciting. Not so much so had I been alone. If your ds doesn’t feel ready to be left, that’s his choice. Quite frankly you could have just left him home alone at yours for the extra 1 hr 15 mins. He probably would have felt more comfortable. What were your parents thinking??

That didn’t stop my parents from going abroad for a week when I was 14 and leaving me alone with my abusive brother, who is a couple of years older. Different era and perhaps why your parents thought that was ok.

Those saying there is no difference between 10 pm and 10.45 pm, well by that logic if 10.45 pm would have been fine - why not midnight then? Why do you think the OP asked her parents to babysit at all . A 13 year old child should be able to rely on an adult being home by a certain time at night, or at least contact being made if they are going to be later than expected.

Windswept
Exactly. That’s what I meant in my post. Not that op should have left her ds home alone.