To not want to take DP surname because his ex did?

[justalittlemilk]

DP and I are engaged with no immediate plans of marriage but definitely at some point. He wants me to take his surname, and I would, but knowing his ex had his surname puts me off. They weren’t married but in a long term relationship with kids so she started to use his surname and often used Mrs. To the extend of my knowledge I think she still does use his surname, though it was never legally changed (again to the extent of my knowledge). Despite 8 years after separation they aren’t on speaking terms what so ever. Kids are older. We have one DS together who has his surname. I was happy to do his as his other kids have his surname.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

If you want to take it, just forget about her. I know that’s easier said than done!

Nope. YABU to base not wanting to take his name solely off of the fact that she used it

As a side note, i hate when people using Mrs. or women who take their lartnwrs surname when not actually married. Id you want those thing then make the effort to get married- you cant pick and choose the bits you want

Is it a super unusual surname that marks them out, or does many people in the world also share the surname? It wouldn't bother me at all. She's shared your partners bed and bore his children, that doesn't bother you so why would this.

He's never been married but has an ex partner with his surname, a current partner contemplating taking his surname, and several children with his surname.

Aren't men's names powerful things!

I think there are pros and cons with both. And I don’t think you are being unreasonable for your reasons not to have his surname and I would be the same, but then I wouldn’t like his ex having the same surname as my children when I don’t (Luckily she changed her surname back).
Yanbu for feeling the way you do.

It's not Highlander. There can be more than one.

It’s not a very common surname, I don’t personally know anyone else out with the family with it. I feel like being in a relationship is part of me but doesn’t define me, whereas making my title Mrs ... when someone else has used that exact same title doesn’t sit right with me.

Ahh but she’s just using it, it’s not actually hers and never has been. It WILL be yours.

She using it because I assume she wants to share the same surname as her kids. So it is her name if it's the name she's been using for years.

Honestly, so many women would save themselves a whole lot of grief if they just gave the kids their surname instead of the father's.

Just keep your name. It’s a sexist and outdated tradition that continues to ensure women are held back.

Why does he want you to take his surname? I strongly feel that this should be something that you decide yourself. A respectful and truly loving partner would want you to be happy and encourage you to do what’s right for you.

Do what you want to, and don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re not OK with, whether that’s him, his ex, or anyone else.

Keep your own name for any reason you want!

He has kept his.

Isn't his mother Mrs x? The same name? It's a strange thing to be concerned about. A rose is a rose by another name...

Just keep your name then. He doesn't get to decide. I married over a decade ago but am not sure if I was marrying now whether I would take his name.

I suppose it boils down to whether you want to have the same name as your son though. Could you double-barrell?

Tell him you want both of you to double barrel. That way you’ll have a completely new name.

Suggest you both go double barrelled and start using it for your son too. That way he gets his name in there but you're not exactly Mrs X mark 2.

DP’s ex had two kids before she met him. They’re surnames from birth was the surname neither the mother or father, it was their maternal grandmother’s then husbands (not a biological relative) names. The name DP’s ex used was neither that name nor her birth name. She in time started using a kids then surname as hers, gave their first biological child together that surname, then soon after changed all the kids surnames to DP’s. A good few years later they had their other biological child together who was registered from birth as DP’s name then she started using it too and had done since. Not sure if anyone managed to follow that because I struggle to lol.

I gave my DS his dad’s surnames as his dad really want it be to and I wasn’t overly bother. His whole family have that name whereas I always had a different name from my mum so it didn’t seem a huge deal to me.

Ooh, lots of great minds x-posting the double barrelled solution!

Nope. My Friday night brain is frazzled trying to understand that!

But she hasn’t used it- not officially so it’s irrelevant.

Take his name if you want to, you’d at least have the same name as your child and that’s more important.

A bit odd to use a surname that isn’t legally yours.

DH’a exW used her maiden and married name interchangeably depending on how the wind blew.

I was happy to take his name as I felt entitled as his wife.

when someone else has used that exact same title doesn’t sit right with me.

Well presumably it is/was his mother's name so It's already been "taken" before anyway. I really think there are more important things to worry about. Like actually getting married?

He's very keen on people taking his surname, isn't he?

Why aren't they on speaking terms?

Take his name if you want to, you’d at least have the same name as your child and that’s more important.

Erm, what now?

Any surname that you choose to adopt is ‘legally yours’.

You can change your name to anything you want, married or not. You can be married and not change.

I would have said give your Ds your surname and have your Df add your name to his as a hyphenated name.