To not want to take DP surname because his ex did?

[justalittlemilk]

DP and I are engaged with no immediate plans of marriage but definitely at some point. He wants me to take his surname, and I would, but knowing his ex had his surname puts me off. They weren’t married but in a long term relationship with kids so she started to use his surname and often used Mrs. To the extend of my knowledge I think she still does use his surname, though it was never legally changed (again to the extent of my knowledge). Despite 8 years after separation they aren’t on speaking terms what so ever. Kids are older. We have one DS together who has his surname. I was happy to do his as his other kids have his surname.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Is he planning to not actually marry you either?

Is it actually legal to use a name that isn't legally yours? It's kind of a false identity isn't it? I've not long changed my name having married and I had to send proof of marriage for almost everything official - DVLA, bank account, passport, HMRC, work payroll etc etc. Are you absolutely sure OP that they aren't/weren't married?

You can call yourself whatever you like.

Ella being married doesn’t make a name any more ‘legally yours ‘ than just declaring you have changed your name.

Double barrel, or just keep your name.

Is it actually legal to use a name that isn't legally yours? It's kind of a false identity isn't it?

You can legally use any surname you like without going through any forks process, provided it isn’t intended to mislead/enable fraud.

I wouldn’t take on his surname until marriage.

I wouldn’t worry about the other woman though. I’m sure she still has the surname so that she has the same surname as her children and nothing else. My parents have been divorced 15 years. My dad is remarried but my mum still goes by my Dads surname and Mrs because she wants the same surname as us, absolutely nothing to do with her feelings or the relationship she had with my Dad. She cheated on him and filed for the divorce.

My dh ex wife has his name and still uses it.
I also have his name because if we were ever lucky enough to have a child, I would want them to share their name with him and his kids as we're a family.
I don't give a monkey's about her or what she's called

She can call herself what she wants and so can you. If you feel uncomfortable changing your name for any reason (or none) then of course you don’t have to.

YANBU to keep your own name if it’s what you want. YABU to do it purely because his ex also had the name .

You can call yourself whatever you like, and so can she - calling herself Mrs hisname (even if they weren't married) isn't any less valid than you calling yourself that if you are.

There aren't actually any laws about using miss, Mrs or Ms depending on marital status - you are no more forbidden from calling yourself Mrs as an unmarried person than you are compelled to use it if you are married. For example, I am unmarried and use ms porcupine , but I am just as "entitled" to style myself miss porcupine, or indeed, Mrs porcupine if I so desire. And there are no laws about using a different surname - you don't have "more right" to it than she does just because you get married.

If you want to change your surname to his, then do it - hell, if you want to change your first name to his, then do it. Bit weird, but you are the boss of you. I will say that your beshert seems very keen on everyone having his name, and not so respectful of anyone else's, though.

I refused to take DHs name because I will not have the same name as his ex! This town ain't big enough for the both of us!

DPs ex seemed more to take it upon herself to take on second name, which I can understand due to kids. I think DP wants me to have surname as compares out relationship to his mother and fathers much more than he did with his ex. He speaks of that more of a relationship of convenience for kids etc (two sides to every story I know!!) I like the suggestion of double barrel and think it would be nice to make DS’s surname this if we were to.. anyone have experience in officially changing kids surnames?

You can’t just change your name! You’d need a change of name deed or to go via deed poll to have a legal name change. Sure you can assume a name like a nickname but it doesn’t make it your name.

You can’t just change your name!

Yes you can:

deedpolloffice.com/change-name

I'd be more concerned about being with a man with form for fathering children while not married, leaving the woman with no legal protection. I wonder why she doesn't speak to him?

Aren't men's names powerful things!

I'd say that is the bigger issue here. It is a power trip. In some countries on the continent, it is not normal practice for women to change name to their husband's anyway. Why should we do it here? At the very least keep half your own, and you can ensure that any children take both surnames too.

It all sounds totally infantile, don't want to take his name.because you don't that's fine, but because his ex uses it then what's the issue.

Also the "the other relationship wasn't like ours, it was convenience" sounds like his placating you like a child. He has two children with her but didn't really love her? I wouldn't trust someone like that.

Kept mine. Thought I'd feel different once we had kids, but no. I'm still me and him and the kids have his name. Mines really common, his is quite unique and rare. Still like mine more. It's me. Everything I've done in my life (good and bad) has been as me. Its who I am. It's a marriage not an adoption.

I married and took husband's surname (an unusual one) We divorced after children and I kept using his name.

I then remarried but have continued, for many years, to use ex'x name as my surname in most things (bank account, driving licence, bills etc) but use second husbands name for NI contributions, GP registration, electoral roll. It causes problems!! Many many problems. It is NOT illegal but leaves you to need to answer a whole host of questions. For example I had a tax rebate, cheque issued in 2nd husbands surname and my bank account is in 1st surname so I had to jump through a lot of hoops with HMRC before they agreed to re issue a cheque with the 'correct' name. I also inadvertently put the 'wrong' name on the electoral roll registration thingy and was told I don't exist; but that is a whole other story!

You can’t just change your name!

You can. Up here in Scotland you can call yourself whatever you want as long as you have no intention to defraud. No deed poll required.

@Youbumder but don't banks, Dvla, passport office etc want proof of name change? When I changed my name after marriage many years go it was a right PITA. In Scotland can you just tell institutions to change your name etc and they will?

@stitchmaker85

Yes exactly. They need evidence.

There are so many urban myths and inventions when it comes to names and titles. You can actually call yourself whatever you want, no deed poll needed, and it's your legal name, but in practice you're likely to need a paper trail to prove it. Some of the posts on this thread about real names, entitlement to titles, nicknames etc make it pretty clear why so many people come up against a load of computer says no and invention when they try and change names and titles with organisations.

Call yourself whatever you want OP. Personally I'd find it a bit dodgy that he's saying he wants you to take his name though, it should be your decision with no pressure.

Echt, maybe you should read your own link. No, you can’t just wake up and decide to be Miss Echt. From your own link

“If you want to change your name, you’ll need a formal document to prove it — which you can send to HM Passport Office and the DVLA (and other official bodies).”

Keep or change your name for whatever reason you want.

I have to say he seems far too invested in a decision that isn't his to make so like PP I'm also sensing a bit of an ego thing.