To not want to take DP surname because his ex did?

[justalittlemilk]

DP and I are engaged with no immediate plans of marriage but definitely at some point. He wants me to take his surname, and I would, but knowing his ex had his surname puts me off. They weren’t married but in a long term relationship with kids so she started to use his surname and often used Mrs. To the extend of my knowledge I think she still does use his surname, though it was never legally changed (again to the extent of my knowledge). Despite 8 years after separation they aren’t on speaking terms what so ever. Kids are older. We have one DS together who has his surname. I was happy to do his as his other kids have his surname.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

If you don't have any firm plans to marry it's a bit of a non issue isn't it?

I can understand your frustration and reluctance OP, but in the mists of time these little niggles will fade. DH's EXP used his name whilst they were together as their children were given his surname; she only "officially" changed it after they had been separated for some time as she needed it for court proceedings.

I felt very similar when we married, but as my lovely DH pointed out at the time, I was the first actual MrsUser, after his mum. As I said, these things will fade; EXP and I will never be friends, but we do share history via DH, and the fact she still chooses to use the same name as their DCs doesn't impact my daily life.

Enjoy your wedding (whenever it comes along!), and remember that the marriage is the important bit, not the day, the dress, the EX or the stress

A deed poll is basically just a signed letter from you saying you're changing your name. (I have my grandad's one somewhere.)

You can pay for one, and you might have more luck getting that accepted at the bank, but that would be the bank's policy, not the law.

You can also e.g. get your employer to change your name on your payslips, which will be accepted as evidence to change your passport (they will accept all sorts of proof of the use of a new name), which will then be accepted at the bank... Just work your way up from the easiest to the hardest change. I had a friend who did it like this - takes a little while of course!

As to the original question - do whatever you like. I get there's a certain "the second Mrs de Winter" element which would feel weird. No need to change if it's weird. Also - you don't need to make a final decision. Why not keep your name for now and change it a few years down the line if you fancy?

I don't know what title DHs ex used usernamealreadytaken, but you were no more or less an actual user of his name than she was.

My DH's ex wife has his surname, and so do I. I couldn't care less what she is called . Nothing to do with me. In your situation I'd simply change it or not , according to what you want to do. Just leave her out of the equation and make your own decision.

He can change his surname to your surname.

I don't think you should change your name. It really sounds like you don't want to and he is pushing you towards changing it.

There was a similar thread before and a poster wisely pointed out that he's using the same penis with you that he used with her. You aren't the first woman he has been with, so all of this 'it doesn't sit right that another woman has the same title' is entirely missing the point.

“You aren't the first woman he has been with, so all of this 'it doesn't sit right that another woman has the same title' is entirely missing the point.”

For me it sticks in my craw that (not uncommonly) men re-brand their successive partners to their name while women change their names with each successive man.

And if it’s ‘just a name’ then he can change his....

Yes he could change his name, but that's not the point. The OP wants his name, but doesn't want it because his ex got there first with the name, hence someone got 'the title' before her.

Echt, maybe you should read your own link. No, you can’t just wake up and decide to be Miss Echt. From your own link

Yes, I did: from the same document:

You do not have to follow a legal process to start using a new name.

I tell ya we are so fucked as women, seriously all this taking his name bullshit, no way we will ever be equal with all this shite about being 'entitled' to a mans name. I swear i know I sound melodramatic but read back your posts, it's fecking depressing

I agree. The expectation that women will change their name is so depressing and degrading. And yes, yes, all the women out there who will insist "I was proud to change my name, its tradition, wanted to feel like a family, I never even LIKED my name, couldn't wait to change it, what's wrong with changing my name, I thought feminism was about CHOICE *" etc.

If changing your name is so brilliant and awesome and useful, then why don't men do it?

(* feminism is about personal liberation. Not just "I make a choice, therefore it's feminist".)

TheRedBarrows

For me it sticks in my craw that (not uncommonly) men re-brand their successive partners to their name while women change their names with each successive man.

Yes, this ^. Do men not feel embarrassed asking their wives to go through all this paperwork and fuss, while they just carry on as normal with their original name? It baffles me.

www.gov.uk/changing-passport-information/names-dont-match-official-documents

You cannot use a payslip to change your name on your passport...

I know someone who took their boyfriends surname. They hadn't been going out for long then they had a messy break up and she still uses it. There were are children. I find it odd she still uses it. I know this is different though. I would do the double barrel surname.

@RussianSpamBot, she used MrsUser. On paperwork she used the status of "divorced" (she was, but from her husband before she met MrUser, not from MrUser). She will always have had him before me, she will always have given birth to his children before me (as she liked to point out), so I'm entirely happy that MrUser considers me the first MrsUser after his mum, but I certainly have not and would not say this to her face, despite all the things she has said both to our faces and behind our backs.

'I'm agonising whether to give up my name and use my partner's. What if a previous partner also did that?? It's my identity! It must be tied to my partner but someone else got there first!' said NO MAN EVER.

FFS.

I’m surprised people still take their husband’s last name, it is such an outdated practice and it’s origin is pretty grim!

I kept my last name when I got married and nobody batted an eye (at least not to my face)!

Thanks for the details user, but you're no more or less an actual user of the name than his ex.

She will always have had him before me, she will always have given birth to his children before me (as she liked to point out), so I'm entirely happy that MrUser considers me the first MrsUser after his mum

Something about this really makes me shudder. Like a man's name is some fucking glorious prize to be bestowed upon one lucky little lady.

Plus this whole thread keeps make me hear someone saying 'the first Mrs De Winter' in my head.

Yep!

OP, it's a nightmare to change your name back (if you change after marriage) so I would never advocate any woman changes their name. It is so archaic and offers no benefit to you. We really need to see this approach change.

You can call yourself what you like on a daily basis, but you cannot invent a surname with no ID for a job, enrollment on a course, opening a bank account or any other official matter.

His Ex had 2 kids when she met him, they went on to have 2 more and he now describes it as a relationship
of convenience.

If it bothers you that much to have the same name she uses, double barrell yours if you get married.