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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why am I still feeling disappointed 😫

97 replies

Jazzyperks · 31/05/2019 13:11

First time on here so don’t know what to expect everyone to say apart from what my husband keeps saying to me and ‘get over it’ ...maybe I just need other women to tell me that to as coming from him it’s going in one ear and out the other and I’m no better off!

In a nutshell I’m upset about a friend whom i thought was one of my closet who had her wedding day on my wedding anniversary day (which she was a bridesmaid for) and I wasn’t one at hers so in a way it was a double whammy of shoving it in my face! I totally understand that being asked to be bridesmaid is not something that has to be reciprocated but when you turn up to the wedding which cost you an arm and a leg because it was abroad as she lives in that country and then see the bridal party of around 10 bridesmaids/flower girl/page boy/ walk down the aisle and realise they all travelled from the U.K. like we did , made my heart sink a little more as being abroad obviously wasn’t an issue. Clearly not thought of in the same way as I think of her. All In all I’ve known her for about 20 years now ..and we been out to visit her almost every year for the past 5 years so not as of our friendship has dwindled... I just feel so disappointed and hurt by the whole thing. Tired my best at the wedding to rise above it all but when my husband kept pointing out all the bridesmaids and when they were having group photos to winde me up it really started to hack me right off again. I even shouted at him to stop it 🙈. Don’t even know why I’m still worked up about the whole thing a week later ...the usual FB photos are now starting to pop up so I suppose it’s made the feeling resurface again. Tbh I feel like I can’t even be bothered with her anymore . Yes it was her wedding day and she knew it was our anniversary too..not a single word to say happy anniversary to us when we congratulated her ..yes yes I know it’s her special day blah blah blah but at the same time if we weren’t there it would have been our special day too and we would have celebrated it in a different way. I am probably over reacting but at the same time I can’t let it go as it’s eating away at me everytime I think of it. Let it lie to rest or have a word with her now it’s done and dusted??? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 31/05/2019 13:16

If I understand correctly, you are upset that you weren't asked to be a bridesmaid for a good friend of yours?

It does seem a shame that you made the effort to go to a wedding abroad and weren't in the inside circle as it were but hopefully you managed to have nice holiday with your husband instead? I think you are going to have to "get over it" and maybe just be more mindful of whether this friendship is as close as you thought.

ilovesooty · 31/05/2019 13:17

She can have her wedding when she likes and you didn't have to attend.
You might well feel a bit hurt not to be asked to be a bridesmaid and your husband wasn't kind.

To be honest if you feel like this you might be better to distance yourself.

UnicornBrexit · 31/05/2019 13:18

10 bridesmaids/flower girl/page boy

Who were they though ? sisters? cousins? extended family ? Did she have any friends? Who was paying for the wedding ? Because if her parents were, maybe they placed redstrictions.

Im possibly of a different generation, I wouldnt expect a married woman to be a bridesmaid - the clue is in maid, maiden.

Yes it was her wedding day and she knew it was our anniversary too

Would she remember? I wouldn't

Let it lie to rest or have a word with her now it’s done and dusted??

Exactly what would you say ?

ilovesooty · 31/05/2019 13:20

I wouldn't expect her to remember your wedding anniversary on her wedding day either.

StCharlotte · 31/05/2019 13:20

I've been bridesmaid four times. None of my "brides" were my bridesmaids (as I only had children). It appears they have "got over it" as we're all still on great terms 20 years later.

How long between your wedding and hers?

Seniorschoolmum · 31/05/2019 13:22

The bridesmaid thing is difficult. If one bride had sisters or cousins who have a stronger claim to be a bridesmaid, then it’s not unreasonable that family members take precedence. Or if friendship dynamics have changed since the first wedding.

As for remembering your anniversary, in the stress and fluster of a wedding day, it’s easy to see how it was overlooked. I’d let it pass.

Your dh is unkind to wind you up about it though. I hope he organised something lovely specifically for your anniversary,

glastogal · 31/05/2019 13:22

Let it lie!

Your wedding anniversary is for you and your spouse to celebrate, I wouldn't expect anyone else to remember tbh!

As for the bridesmaid thing, I'm sorry you felt so snubbed that it spoilt the wedding for you (really shitty of your husband to rub your nose in it!) but what will bringing it up again achieve?

Badwifey · 31/05/2019 13:26

I think you're being a little silly if I'm honest.

I'd personally prefer not to be bridesmaid at a wedding.... also have you considered that maybe she didn't ask you to do it because it was your anniversary and she thought you'd prefer to spend the day with you husband and not sitting at a different table or heading off to get get etc.

As for wishing someone a happy anniversary... jaysus I barely remember my own never mind anyone else's. It wouldn't have entered my head in a million years the day of my wedding to wish someone else a happy anniversary.

janetforpresident · 31/05/2019 13:27

I would have felt hurt if she actually did have 10 including friends. That suggests you are not even in her top ten. Your DH sounds horrible btw. Mine would be sympathetic or angry on my behalf not rubbing my nose in it.

I would cool the friendship and see if she pursues it. Perhaps it is more you than her?

I definitely wouldn't talk to her about it.what will it achieve?

ElderMillenial · 31/05/2019 13:27

You're childish to think that she shouldn't get married on your anniversary or that she would even remember it. That's something for you and your husband only to remember.

It's reasonable to be upset tjat you weren't asked to be a bridesmaid when you thought your relationship was that close but it may be that she only wanted family or the people she did choose were closer than you

churchthecat · 31/05/2019 13:28

I don't think you can expect someone to congratulate you on your anniversary on their own wedding day.

Were some of the BMs family?

Aberforthsgoat · 31/05/2019 13:32

I think you’re being OTT to be honest, it all seems a bit melodramatic. You don’t ask someone to be bridesmaid just so you can expect to be theirs? It might be disappointing but it’s not like she didn’t invite you.
And the thing about your wedding anniversary is ridiculous - you don’t own the day, and to be honest on my wedding day I wouldn’t have remembered anyone else’s wedding anniversary. My friends still often forget mine - I don’t mind, it’s a day for me and my husband.
You sound a bit like hard work although your DH also sounds like a bit of a dick for winding you up when you were upset.

LIZS · 31/05/2019 13:34

Goodness. Your anniversary is of noone's concern but your and your dh's. Why was he enjoying rubbing it in? Were any of the bm married? Traditionally they would not be. Do you really not value her friendship above your niggles? You did not have to attend if you felt left out.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 31/05/2019 13:34

Completely fine and normal for your friend to get married on your anniversary, you don't own the day. To be honest, I can't remember any of my friends wedding anniversaries and nor would they expect me to. Also, you can't really blame her for not remembering to congratulate you on her wedding day, she will obviously have had other things on her mind!
I can understand why you would be a bit hurt not to be asked to be bridesmaid, especially if she had other friends and not just family. It's possible that they were under pressure to have certain female relatives as bridesmaids. Or maybe they were just sticking with the tradition of married women not being BM. I'm sure they had their reasons and it's a shame it spoilt the day for you, it sounds like your DH didn't help the situation.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 31/05/2019 13:36

I forgot to say definitely don't bring it up with her! Honestly, it will just seem petulant and like you're trying to make her wedding all about you. I certainly don't think you'll feel better for it.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 31/05/2019 13:38

YABU. I wouldn't remember the exact date of weddings of close friends and family. As long as your DH wished you a happy anniversary, I think that's fine. I suppose I understand a little more that you were disappointed not to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but even so, I don't think you should read too much into it.

Isthisafreename · 31/05/2019 13:38

I think you're unreasonable about the anniversary thing. Nobody, other than dh, and kids if their attention is brought to it, have ever wished me a happy anniversary. Equally, I have only every wished happy anniversary to dh, and my parents and pil's on 50th anniverseries.

The bridesmaid thing depends really. You say 10 including children. How many were children? They don't really count in the equation. What relation were the adult bridesmaids to the bride? If they were family, that's no slight to you as she presumably decided not to go outside family as it can open a can of worms. If they were friends, then you need to accept that you are not as close to her as she is to you. If you can accept that, then your relationship can continue as it is. If you can't accept that, then you may need to distance yourself.

For the record, your dh sounds like an arse. He knew you were upset, but continued to tease you. I would want to discuss that with him and explain how that hurt more than the fact of not being a bridesmaid (assuming that is the case)

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 31/05/2019 13:38

You need to let it go.

My best friend didn't ask me to be her bridesmaid either, she asked another friend instead, it upset me but she must have had a reason so I didn't let it bother me too much.

As for wishing you happy anniversary, I don't wish anyone happy anniversary! She was thinking of her own day, not yours. Stop letting it stress you.

poobumwee · 31/05/2019 13:40

I have trouble remembering my own wedding anniversary, let alone anyone else's. And she can get married on whatever day she wants!
I think you are getting upsetting over something that really isn't worth it tbh.

CaMePlaitPas · 31/05/2019 13:40

Why are you making her wedding day all about you?

EmeraldShamrock · 31/05/2019 13:41

I agree with your DH. It really depends on her how big or close immediate family is. My sister was a bridesmaid at her longest friends wedding.
Dsis choose her 2 sisters, from his side a teenage neice and SIL to be.
I hate being a bridesmaid, much prefer to be a guest.

EmeraldShamrock · 31/05/2019 13:42

To add I don't wish a anyone happy anniversary.

Pinkvoid · 31/05/2019 13:42

I don’t remember other people’s wedding anniversaries, it’s entirely possible she had no idea that date was yours. I really wouldn’t get het up about that.

Bridesmaid thing is a bit shitty but I’d be more angry at your husband rubbing it in your face tbh.

TixieLix · 31/05/2019 13:45

The date "issue" is irrelevant because she could have her wedding any day she wanted. No one owns a particular date. I wouldn't really expect her to remember your anniversary either, as she would have been completely preoccupied with her own wedding day.

WRT the bridal party, you say it was 10 bridesmaids/flower girls/page boys. How many of that 10 were BMs, and were any of those women friends rather than family? Just because you're close friends, doesn't mean she doesn't have others who are closer friends. You don't say how long it was in between your wedding and hers. Have you talked to her about starting a family? Maybe she overlooked you because she thought there was a chance you might get pregnant. We know from threads on MN that there are all sorts of issues when a BM gets pregnant and is due on/just after/before the wedding date.

Blobby10 · 31/05/2019 13:45

Maybe she is from an old fashioned outlook that sticks with the tradition of unmarried women/girls for bridesmaids? It was for this reason that I very kindly turned down both my younger sisters invitation to be a bridesmaid - I was not only married but a mum as well so felt it was more appropriate that I looked after them!

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