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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why am I still feeling disappointed 😫

97 replies

Jazzyperks · 31/05/2019 13:11

First time on here so don’t know what to expect everyone to say apart from what my husband keeps saying to me and ‘get over it’ ...maybe I just need other women to tell me that to as coming from him it’s going in one ear and out the other and I’m no better off!

In a nutshell I’m upset about a friend whom i thought was one of my closet who had her wedding day on my wedding anniversary day (which she was a bridesmaid for) and I wasn’t one at hers so in a way it was a double whammy of shoving it in my face! I totally understand that being asked to be bridesmaid is not something that has to be reciprocated but when you turn up to the wedding which cost you an arm and a leg because it was abroad as she lives in that country and then see the bridal party of around 10 bridesmaids/flower girl/page boy/ walk down the aisle and realise they all travelled from the U.K. like we did , made my heart sink a little more as being abroad obviously wasn’t an issue. Clearly not thought of in the same way as I think of her. All In all I’ve known her for about 20 years now ..and we been out to visit her almost every year for the past 5 years so not as of our friendship has dwindled... I just feel so disappointed and hurt by the whole thing. Tired my best at the wedding to rise above it all but when my husband kept pointing out all the bridesmaids and when they were having group photos to winde me up it really started to hack me right off again. I even shouted at him to stop it 🙈. Don’t even know why I’m still worked up about the whole thing a week later ...the usual FB photos are now starting to pop up so I suppose it’s made the feeling resurface again. Tbh I feel like I can’t even be bothered with her anymore . Yes it was her wedding day and she knew it was our anniversary too..not a single word to say happy anniversary to us when we congratulated her ..yes yes I know it’s her special day blah blah blah but at the same time if we weren’t there it would have been our special day too and we would have celebrated it in a different way. I am probably over reacting but at the same time I can’t let it go as it’s eating away at me everytime I think of it. Let it lie to rest or have a word with her now it’s done and dusted??? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 31/05/2019 13:48

Your DH sounds horrible btw. Mine would be sympathetic or angry on my behalf not rubbing my nose in it.

This. Even if he felt you were being silly or precious, he knew it had upset you and I think he sounds like a complete callous pillock, to be honest.

Bambamber · 31/05/2019 13:48

Why on earth on her big day would your anniversary even cross her mind? With all the happiness and excitement about her wedding I'm sure the last thing on her mind was someone else's wedding day.

You chose to go, you chose to spend an arm and a leg and to spend your anniversary going to someone else's wedding. You knew you wasn't a bridesmaid before you went so it wasn't exactly a surprise. You need to get over it

ConkerGame · 31/05/2019 13:50

Hi OP, your anniversary is just for you and DH - you can’t expect others to remember it or celebrate it with you.

YANBU to be upset about not being a bridesmaid but I’m not sure what you can do about it. Depends on the type of friendship you have with her - could you explain you feel hurt as you thought you were her best friend and see what she says?

Ultimately you might have to accept that she has other closer friends and therefore she is a closer friend to you than you are to her. If that is the case, consider whether you still value the friendship on those terms - if so, you will need to move on from this. If not, you can start to distance yourself.

Ps your DH sounds horrible!

justasking111 · 31/05/2019 13:51

Have enough trouble recalling my own anniversary these days. Then my two DILs. Doesn`t help that the other MIL does gifts and cards for anniversaries (rolls eyes). It is only your day and maybe your parents to remember. I only had children as bridesmaids pageboys, I wonder if my friends felt snubbed.

BenWillbondsPants · 31/05/2019 13:52

Sorry, but I think you're being ridiculous. Your wedding anniversary is important to you and your husband, not anyone else.

She's under absolutely no obligation to ask you to be bridesmaid just because you were hers. I honestly don't understand why you would want to create drama about this, you're a grown woman.

Parkinssheet · 31/05/2019 13:53

Neither of my bridesmaids asked me back. Absolutely not reciprocal. I was a bit miffed about one, but then it's not a wedding if someone is not a bit miffed.
TBH I never remember anyone's wedding anniversary, apart from my own obvs, and consider them to be private celebrations. You really can't expect anyone else, even if they were a bridesmaid, to avoid all birthdays, wedding anniversaries, etc when planning a wedding, they'd never be able to pick a date.
YANBU to feel upset, that is how you feel and all feelings are valid. But just because she didn't pick you doesn't devalue your friendship in any way. It is up to you now whether or not you let your feelings ruin your friendship.
I hope you can work past this, but I wouldn't expect sympathy and understanding from DH, men just don't feel the same about these things on the whole.
My advice would be not to mention it to the bride; she would probably hate that she upset you, but making decisions for a wedding cannot take everyone else's feeling into account as it would make decision making impossible.
Hope you feel better about it all soon.

awalkintheparka · 31/05/2019 13:53

I wouldn't include flower girls and page boys. How many bridesmaids actually were there? Were they sisters or cousins?
I do think you just need to let it go. And maybe not making the effort to go and visit her

SolitudeAtAltitude · 31/05/2019 13:54

the idea that married women can be bridesmaids is a very recent phenomenon, how many bridesmaids were actually also married women?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 31/05/2019 13:57

Bigger problem is that you have a DH who knows something is upsetting you and takes a delight in winding you up about it.
Are you sure you want to celebrate your anniversary to such a dickhead?

It's hurtful to realise that you don't mean as much to someone as you thought. Maybe scale back on visiting every year and let her make the effort. She's not unreasonable to get married in your anniversary though. Or to forget it's your anniversary - that's something private for you and your husband to acknowledge.

HillRunner · 31/05/2019 13:57

She didn't do anything wrong... I wouldn't remember someone else's anniversary, so it's not her fault the date happened to be the same. And she was allowed to choose the bridesmaids she wanted - the fact that there were so many indicates she was having to choose from a large pool. Maybe she didn't feel it appropriate to have a married woman as a bridesmaid... I don't think this, but I know plenty do.

The person who was unkind here was your husband. She didn't taunt you, he did. I would be directing your disappointment at him.

HistoryWistery · 31/05/2019 13:57

Your friend probably didn't even remember it was your anniversary. I have no idea when any of my friends are.

You friend got married where she lived. She lives abroad. Your choice to go.

The only person who behaved badly here was your husband. He made you feel shit.

KatherineJaneway · 31/05/2019 14:03

You are disappointed as you feel that you are close enough to her that you should have been a bridesmaid. The photos remind you that she does not consider you that close a friend as you thought.

isthatabloborwhat · 31/05/2019 14:06

While it is rather disappointing that she didn't choose you to be one of her bridesmaids it is your DH you should be annoyed with - he is the one who kept going on about the bridesmaids and rubbing your nose it it to wind you up. If he hadn't done that, then perhaps you wouldn't feel quite so rotten as you do now.

When it's your wedding day you do tend to forget that it is a significant day for other reasons to other people - maybe she meant to mention it but simply forgot?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 31/05/2019 14:06

The only person who behaved badly here was your husband. He made you feel shit.

Completely this ^.

I wouldn't expect her to remember your anniversary, but it's a shame you spent it at her wedding instead of celebrating.

I think you're reading too much into not being chosen as a bridesmaid. It really doesn't matter, you know. Think of it this way, you've probably been spared a lot of pre wedding bridezilla behaviour and expense.

I'm sure you have other, closer friends than someone who lives in another country. Stay friends with her but concentrate on your circle at home.

MyInnerAlto · 31/05/2019 14:27

What's going on with your husband? First he keeps on shoving it in your face, now he tells you to get over it. Does he show this sort of pattern of behaviour often?

Otherwise, I can see that it's hurtful (the bridesmaid thing, not the anniversary thing - no point expecting anyone but you two to remember your anniversary, tbh), but it wouldn't be appropriate to say anything.

livefornaps · 31/05/2019 14:34

Your husband sounds like a twat

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2019 14:35

You spent probably well over a grand to attend another persons wedding in your anniversary and during the day you weren’t happy.

Not excusing your dhs behaviour. However just wanting to know what he wanted to do to mark your anniversary. Maybe he didn’t want to be there and that was why he was so PA. Or did you sell it to him as being romantic. Could it be it be something like that?.. or is he usually an arse?

spanishwife · 31/05/2019 14:37

OP - just a heads up, MN hates weddings, and for anyone to have any sort of emotion about them, so expect a lot of cruel feedback!

I personally totally understand why you feel so crushed. I would too, she hasn't treated you in a way that you would treat her, and that is painful. I certainly wouldn't treat any of my friends in a way she has treated you.

If you want to speak to her about it, it might help you understand or at least feel a bit better about it. But this might be the end of the friendship if she doesn't feel the same way. If it were me, I would probably send a text explaining why I felt so awful, and then let the relationship die.

Weddings do seem to be a bit of a make or break when it comes to friends.

livefornaps · 31/05/2019 14:39

I think that your husband is the one who has crushed your self esteem to the point that this is continuing to upset you - just SAYIN'

thecatsthecats · 31/05/2019 14:45

I don't think you can expect someone to congratulate you on your anniversary on their own wedding day.

Well, I didn't expect anyone to do so for my engagement, but my good friend did. It's common at weddings in my social circle to congratulate on engagements, births, birthdays and significant anniversaries of loved ones there. And maybe it's just my memory, but I remember the dates of all the weddings I went to last year, and I wasn't a bridesmaid at any of them.

Boysey45 · 31/05/2019 14:47

Your husband is more the problem here he sounds like a right prick.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 31/05/2019 14:55

The anniversary thing is totally irrelevant. Anniversaries are for the couple and there's no way she should have congratulated you on HER wedding day.

Not inviting you to be a bridesmaid is very hurtful, and I would feel the same. I know you can't expect it to be reciprocal but I think we all think our good friends will value us as much as we value them. I'd be very upset too. I probably wouldn't have gone to the wedding, but I understand why you did go and that it was harder than you thought it would be. I definitely would distance myself now and quietly drop the friendship as you clearly don't mean much to her (so sorry).

Ps) Your DH sounds like an arsehole.

pinkdelight · 31/05/2019 14:58

She's been living abroad for five years and you've been out once a year "almost every year", so what - four times? I wouldn't expect to be on someone's bridesmaid list on that basis, especially if I was married and not a 'maid' anyway. Yabu on all counts sorry, so even if it stings irrationally let it go. It was her day. You chose to go. Whatever negativity you're nursing isn't her fault. Your DH certainly isn't helping though.

crimsonlake · 31/05/2019 15:07

I got married the same date as my sister, same chapel, same reception venue. It never occurred to me that she would mind, think it was 10 years apart. We lived in a small town in Wales so not a lot of choice. I am divorced now and for the first few years as she celebrated her wedding anniversary of course it made me remember. I think this year was the first year I did not connect the two.

BossAssBitch · 31/05/2019 15:13

ilovesooty
I wouldn't expect her to remember your wedding anniversary on her wedding day either

We got married on the wedding anniversary of one of DH's best men. We raised a toast to him and his wife. It seemed like the decent thing to do.

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