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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why am I still feeling disappointed 😫

97 replies

Jazzyperks · 31/05/2019 13:11

First time on here so don’t know what to expect everyone to say apart from what my husband keeps saying to me and ‘get over it’ ...maybe I just need other women to tell me that to as coming from him it’s going in one ear and out the other and I’m no better off!

In a nutshell I’m upset about a friend whom i thought was one of my closet who had her wedding day on my wedding anniversary day (which she was a bridesmaid for) and I wasn’t one at hers so in a way it was a double whammy of shoving it in my face! I totally understand that being asked to be bridesmaid is not something that has to be reciprocated but when you turn up to the wedding which cost you an arm and a leg because it was abroad as she lives in that country and then see the bridal party of around 10 bridesmaids/flower girl/page boy/ walk down the aisle and realise they all travelled from the U.K. like we did , made my heart sink a little more as being abroad obviously wasn’t an issue. Clearly not thought of in the same way as I think of her. All In all I’ve known her for about 20 years now ..and we been out to visit her almost every year for the past 5 years so not as of our friendship has dwindled... I just feel so disappointed and hurt by the whole thing. Tired my best at the wedding to rise above it all but when my husband kept pointing out all the bridesmaids and when they were having group photos to winde me up it really started to hack me right off again. I even shouted at him to stop it 🙈. Don’t even know why I’m still worked up about the whole thing a week later ...the usual FB photos are now starting to pop up so I suppose it’s made the feeling resurface again. Tbh I feel like I can’t even be bothered with her anymore . Yes it was her wedding day and she knew it was our anniversary too..not a single word to say happy anniversary to us when we congratulated her ..yes yes I know it’s her special day blah blah blah but at the same time if we weren’t there it would have been our special day too and we would have celebrated it in a different way. I am probably over reacting but at the same time I can’t let it go as it’s eating away at me everytime I think of it. Let it lie to rest or have a word with her now it’s done and dusted??? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

BossAssBitch · 31/05/2019 15:17

And I think that it's totally normal to feel hurt about not being asked to be a bridesmaid. The MN massive is weird about weddings

SajeW23 · 31/05/2019 15:19

It sucks but I think you should just let it go.

WinterWillow · 31/05/2019 15:21

I would also be upset by this, more so the date than the bridesmaid issue.
My BIL and awful SIL got married on our DS's birthday a few years back as there was apparently not another date available. Our DS was only 4 at the time and thought he wasn't having a birthday that year as they were getting married instead :(

I think it's only fair to think of important dates when choosing your wedding day.

IceCreamSoda99 · 31/05/2019 15:23

Been a bridesmaid 3 times and I can't remember the dates of any of the weddings, maybe I'm a terrible friend.

cranstonmanor · 31/05/2019 15:23

I was a bit miffed about one, but then it's not a wedding if someone is not a bit miffed.

I'm framing that quote, terrific! I went to the registry office with just DH and two witnesses and the rest if our friends/family/aquaintances/the butchers dog were all miffed that we married in secret. My cousin was miffed because I bought the shoes without discussing it with her first. She was ok with not being invited though. Weddings do weird things to peoples reactions.

OP, honestly, either you aren't her good friend or it's just that she as forgetful as a lot of us. I couldn't tell you my parents anniversary, or my brothers. I kind of know the month I think..... it's just not something that I ever rated as important and judging the replies on this thread a lot of people think the same. It doesn't mean that your wedding or marriage isn't important, of course it is. I fondly remember my friends and brothers weddings, I just don't remember the datw. I do remember what they wore and how happy they looked. Some people just don't remember dates in that way. I'm sorry you feel hurt. Does she treat you as a good friend in other ways and at other times?

ReadMyLipss · 31/05/2019 15:26

Just because you think that you have a fairly close relationship doesn't mean she has to as well. She's allowed to have friends that she considers are closer to her than you are.

I really don't understand this attitude of having a hierarchy of friendships, where your top 5 (or whatever number) friends have to also have you as one of their top 5.

calmdowndearx · 31/05/2019 15:32

This is ridiculous.

I can get being hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid, because it means she doesn't value your friendship as much as you value hers, although it doesn't really sound like you do, so not sure why you had her as a bridesmaid.

So yes, I'd say you have a right to be hurt, but not annoyed about that. Those are your feelings which she is not responsible for.

Yabu in general.

You can't expect her to remember your anniversary when she would have had a million other things on the go.

We go to 5 or 6 weddings a years, I'll be damned if I can remember all of them and wish people happy anniversary etc.
And I refuse to put them in the diary, because it's just another thing.

It's 100% for you and your partner to celebrate.
Perhaps mention a milestone one coming up, and hold a party to celebrate. But it's really just a bonus if someone remembers!!!!

You cannot have expected her to remember and to make a point of making a fuss of you, you've had your day and you will have plenty more anniversaries!¬

SerenDippitty · 31/05/2019 15:33

I asked my cousin to be my bridesmaid. Not only did she not reciprocate, which I was fine with, she didn’t even invite me to her wedding!

calmdowndearx · 31/05/2019 15:33

Also, it's not your date.
There are so many factors into getting a date for a wedding, venue, key people etc, it's so much more than 'oh shit but that's jazzy's anniversary' - lets go for a venue we like less so that we don't upset jazzy, ridiculous notion

calmdowndearx · 31/05/2019 15:34

@SerenDippitty oooo , i presume you weren't ok with the second part???

saraclara · 31/05/2019 15:38

I wonder how many guests they're having. And when each of those guests' anniversaries are. Oh, and how many birthdays/other significant dates those guests have. How many dates are the bride and groom supposed to avoid then?

Sorry, but I think it's ridiculous to think they should have put your anniversary before their wedding date

Piffle11 · 31/05/2019 15:40

I doubt she picked the date to 'shove it in your face' … my DSis's wedding day was the same as her SIL's anniversary - just happened that it was the best available Saturday at the time. Traditionally bridesmaids are unwed women of marriageable age … I know anything goes these days, but maybe you're not as close to her as the others, and she had to draw a line somewhere (although I'd have drawn it at two or three!) Your DH was out of order by deliberately winding you up. I'm not sure what you think you're going to achieve by bringing this up with your friend: you want to tell her that you're upset, but she can't change anything and I doubt she's going to apologise for having her wedding her way.

MerryMarigold · 31/05/2019 15:41

I think it does depend if those 10 included say 8 adult, married friends like you. Then you have a right to be annoyed and perhaps ask why she didn't ask you. Bear in mind, you may be putting your free holidays abroad at risk if you stay with her when you visit! Maybe she wants you stop visiting. It's probably worth asking, because it will sour the relationship if you don't bring it up and clear the air.

If they were all single/ family/ children then don't bring it up. You know why you weren't ask. Probably loads of pressure to ask this, that and the other person and she didn't have much choice.

SparklesandFlowers · 31/05/2019 15:45

I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid at the wedding of someone I considered a close friend. But I got over it, because in the end it was just lovely to see her and our mutual friends and have a laugh.

I'm now married myself and two of my adult bridesmaids aren't married yet. If they did I'd love to be a bridesmaid (matron?) and would be a bit miffed if I wasn't asked, but I'd be determined to have a great day, enjoy choosing my own outfit and I'd certainly put a smile on my face for the actual day. No way would I say anything to the bride - what a way to make her feel bad about her special day. If anyone had said anything to me after mine I'd forever link that day with the fact I upset someone.

YANBU to be upset but you have to deal with it yourself. It's your problem, not the bride's.

awalkintheparka · 31/05/2019 15:53

@WinterWillow I had a wedding and my child's son turned 3 on the same day. We made a huge fuss of him got everyone to sing happy birthday during the speeches and gave him a present.

My cousin messaged me to say how thankful she was- I actually apologised to her but it was the only date we could do. She didn't mind in the slightest and said- what a way to spend a birthday- food drink toys and sweets.

Wedding dates are tricky. It really wasn't a personal dig

awalkintheparka · 31/05/2019 15:53

My cousins son. Not my child's

Antigon · 31/05/2019 15:56

YANBU, I agree with you, I wouldn’t bother with her and would certainly stop visiting her abroad once a year. Let her visit you if she wants.

WinterWillow · 31/05/2019 16:03

@awalkintheparka There is a long standing family feud on my DH side which made matters worse as I'm fairly sure this was deliberate. There were many other factors that went in to us being resentful of the date, such as no mention of our DS birthday, the fact that my DH was best man and expected to be at the venue 10am and as such no time with our son. She also arranged her hen party on my other DC's birthday.....not just a coincidence as far as I'm concerned :(

AnyFarrahFowler · 31/05/2019 16:09

At a wedding I attended, the bride & groom married on the 1 year anniversary of one of the bride’s friends. During his speech, the groom asked everyone in the room to stand and raise their glasses and wish this couple a happy first anniversary. It was a very kind thing to do and the woman cried (later found out she was very early pregnant!) A small but a very much appreciated gesture. I do think it would’ve been nice if they had at least wished you happy anniversary face to face, OP.

I do understand you feeling disappointed that you weren’t asked to be bridesmaid, it can be a bit embarrassing (for want of a better word) when you realise you thought you were better friends with someone than they did.

awalkintheparka · 31/05/2019 16:10

@WinterWillow very different circumstances then. I do fee it's how you handle these things that change the perspective. They obviously handled it very badly.

I do also understand the best man thing- my OH was best man but he had been away for 2 weeks for work and arrived the night before wedding- he was expected to stay the night with the groom. Our DC wasn't invited and I was heavily pregnant. I had to sort childcare for a weekday wedding and get myself to the venue for a wedding of 14 people. It started at 11am. At 10pm I wanted to go home and sleep- groom got annoyed as the best man (my OH) came with me....

WinterWillow · 31/05/2019 16:14

@awalkintheparks Exactly I work in the wedding industry and I understand that dates fill up fast etc., however yes as you stated it is very much how the situation was handled.
My DH is also not the most diplomatic and as anyone would I suppose he often sides with his family and later regrets it.

Weddings and DC's are difficult at the best of times!

feelingsinister · 31/05/2019 16:15

@BossAssBitch it really is. Actually the mumsnet massive is weird about lots of things. 😄

Isthisafreename · 31/05/2019 16:16

@WinterWillow - My BIL and awful SIL got married on our DS's birthday a few years back as there was apparently not another date available. Our DS was only 4 at the time and thought he wasn't having a birthday that year as they were getting married instead sad

That has to be one of the most self-absorbed attitudes I've seen. If you're having a wedding of any size, there's a good chance it will fall on one of your guest's birthdays, anniversaries etc. That your ds even connected the two at age 4 suggests you made a big deal of the fact it was the same date. Most kids that age have no awareness of dates so simply telling him his birthday celebration was the day before/after would have dealt with it quite easily.

WinterWillow · 31/05/2019 16:21

@isthisafreename We did have a celebration the day before, and on the day following and naturally opened presents the morning of. We made a huge fuss of it being is birthday and made it as special as any other birthday would have been. We simply explained that the wedding was on his birthday and we would have his party the evening before. We would never try and upset our DS!!

I know full well that weddings often fall on other people's birthdays however when it's your nephew.....There are also many other factors relating to the wedding and the choice of date which aren't worth going in to here.

Isthisafreename · 31/05/2019 16:30

@WinterWillow - fair enough, but I still don't see how a 4 year old would assume he wasn't having a birthday unless something of that nature was said to him.

It sounds like there isn't a good relationship between you and your bil and his wife so you ended up getting annoyed about a non-issue. I really can't imagine anyone considering conflicting dates (other than another wedding or dates must-have guests are unavailable) when choosing a wedding date.

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