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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why am I still feeling disappointed 😫

97 replies

Jazzyperks · 31/05/2019 13:11

First time on here so don’t know what to expect everyone to say apart from what my husband keeps saying to me and ‘get over it’ ...maybe I just need other women to tell me that to as coming from him it’s going in one ear and out the other and I’m no better off!

In a nutshell I’m upset about a friend whom i thought was one of my closet who had her wedding day on my wedding anniversary day (which she was a bridesmaid for) and I wasn’t one at hers so in a way it was a double whammy of shoving it in my face! I totally understand that being asked to be bridesmaid is not something that has to be reciprocated but when you turn up to the wedding which cost you an arm and a leg because it was abroad as she lives in that country and then see the bridal party of around 10 bridesmaids/flower girl/page boy/ walk down the aisle and realise they all travelled from the U.K. like we did , made my heart sink a little more as being abroad obviously wasn’t an issue. Clearly not thought of in the same way as I think of her. All In all I’ve known her for about 20 years now ..and we been out to visit her almost every year for the past 5 years so not as of our friendship has dwindled... I just feel so disappointed and hurt by the whole thing. Tired my best at the wedding to rise above it all but when my husband kept pointing out all the bridesmaids and when they were having group photos to winde me up it really started to hack me right off again. I even shouted at him to stop it 🙈. Don’t even know why I’m still worked up about the whole thing a week later ...the usual FB photos are now starting to pop up so I suppose it’s made the feeling resurface again. Tbh I feel like I can’t even be bothered with her anymore . Yes it was her wedding day and she knew it was our anniversary too..not a single word to say happy anniversary to us when we congratulated her ..yes yes I know it’s her special day blah blah blah but at the same time if we weren’t there it would have been our special day too and we would have celebrated it in a different way. I am probably over reacting but at the same time I can’t let it go as it’s eating away at me everytime I think of it. Let it lie to rest or have a word with her now it’s done and dusted??? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

SerenDippitty · 31/05/2019 16:35

@calmdowndearx I was a bit hurt. But I think it was quite a small do

Cheeseandwin5 · 31/05/2019 16:41

Maybe you shouldn't have gone, if you felt that strongly.
Now you are spoiling what was hopefully a lovely day /holiday for yourself and your unfortunate DH.
How many parties/weddings have you gone to where you havn't asked the people to your own?

Nomorepies · 31/05/2019 16:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Halimeda · 31/05/2019 16:46

There were many other factors that went in to us being resentful of the date, such as no mention of our DS birthday, the fact that my DH was best man and expected to be at the venue 10am and as such no time with our son. She also arranged her hen party on my other DC's birthday.....not just a coincidence as far as I'm concerned

This kind of thing is the reason there's a general eye-rolling attitude towards weddings on Mn. No one I have ever met in real life has ever publicly voiced the opinion that people should avoid family birthdays/anniversaries to get married on, or views it as a personal attack that a wedding and a hen party happened to take place on the birthdays of two children in the extended family, or feels a four-year-old should have been toasted at a wedding.

Safirexx · 31/05/2019 16:48

I do remember the anniversaries of the 3 weddings I was maid of honour for and I try to send them a card or make a phone call. Apart from parents and siblings those are the only non-family ones I bother with, so I can understand you there, OP.

If your friend hasn't been in the habit of wishing you a happy anniversary in years previous, then I'd let it go - and even if she has, this was a big day and something was bound to slip

Husband could have been kinder, though.

MrsSnafu · 31/05/2019 16:54

Jazzy, does she normally acknowledge your anniversary?
How long has passed since your wedding?
And, yes, some idea as to who were in the bridal party would be useful.

I am however a bit askance at your husband deliberately winding you up on the day, if he knew you were upset.
That's your real problem.

MrsSnafu · 31/05/2019 16:55

Whom *

MrsSnafu · 31/05/2019 16:56

I always get those muddled. Still not sure now!

DuffBeer · 31/05/2019 16:59

I think that people are honing in on the anniversary things more than you not being a bridesmaid, which is what I assume you're more pissed off about?

I had a similar situation but the bride in question had been a bridesmaid at mine several years before and the friendship had died a bit. So although there was a brief pang of sadness, it didn't last long.

I can understand why you're upset if you only got married a year ago and consider yourself close friend. That would hurt a lot. Your husband is also an insensitive twat.

churchthecat · 31/05/2019 17:01

If you've only seen each other once a year for the last few years I wouldn't consider that particularly close.

Isthisafreename · 31/05/2019 17:03

@MrsSnafu - it's who

Try substituting “he” or “she” and “him” or “her.” If “he” or “she” fits, you should use who. If “him” or “her” fits, you should use whom. You may have to temporarily rearrange the sentence a bit while you test it.So you'd say she was at the wedding means it should be who was at the wedding.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/05/2019 17:05

It’s your DH who is the problem. Winding you up, not being respectful around your feelings.

The wedding thing is a non-issue.

saraclara · 31/05/2019 17:07

Everyone has different circumstances and priorities when it comes to bridesmaids, etc.
For a bride with no or few sisters/nieces/other female relatives, it's easy to choose one's friends. But those friends might have obligations to several female relatives and not be able to return the gesture. It's silly to feel entitled to be bridesmaid to someone who was one of your bridesmaids.

Petalflowers · 31/05/2019 17:09

I think you are being unreasonable and you are overthinking this.

Firstly, were the bridesmaids mainly family and youngsters, or people living closer to her who she sees more regularly? You choosing her doesn’t mean she has to reciprocate.

Secondly, her choosing the same day as your wedding means nothing, probably when the venue was available. She probably forgot it was your wedding anniversary - I certainly don’t remember friends anniversaries - only close family (siblings/parents).

In both cases, she was not ‘shoving it in your face’, but having a perfectly reasonable wedding day. I’m with your husband, get over it. Her wedding day is not about you.

MitziK · 31/05/2019 17:17

She got married years after you did, on a particular day.

You were pissed off at this. You were pissed off that you didn't get to be in the photos/the bride's party. You shouted at your husband at the wedding because you were pissed off about it. So you were sulking throughout her wedding.

And you're still pissed over it.

The world is not about you and a random date somewhere in the last decade (presumably) that you chose to get married.

Get the fuck over it.

notacooldad · 31/05/2019 17:18

I'm with your DH with this one tbh.
Me and DP usually forget our own wedding anniversary and I couldn't tell you any of my friends dates and I am 100% couldnt remember mine. In fact I couldn't tell you about my families either or come to it. My parents.
I think you are being ridiculous about the bridesmaid issue as well.

Still getting upset weeks later. Seriously?
You are considering having a word with her!!!!! Christ in a bike, find something else to have a drama about and park this one!

MrsSnafu · 31/05/2019 17:25

Thank you @isthisafreename

Coyoacan · 31/05/2019 17:48

Who was paying for the wedding ? Because if her parents were, maybe they placed redstrictions

I actually had a neighbour fall out with me because I allowed my PIL to organise my dd's christening and pay for it, which meant that they didn't let me invite any of my friends. Grrr.

I would also be a bit wary of your husband, OP. Does he often point out the faults of your friends and family? My dd had a bf like that and she ended up friendless in an abusive relationship.

Fucklt · 31/05/2019 17:51

this can’t be real.

gingersausage · 01/06/2019 08:45

What’s all this bollocks that married women can’t be bridesmaids? Is it against the law or something? 🙄 Of course a married woman can be a bridesmaid. Anyone can be a bridesmaid.

Given that these days the photos are more important than the marriage itself, I can almost guarantee @Jazzyperks that you are too fat/too thin/too tall/too short/your hair is the wrong colour. Having an Instagram-worthy wedding is now way more important than family, friends, love and happiness. Oh, and your husband is a grade A twat.

Coffeeisnecessary · 01/06/2019 08:55

I would be a bit sad about it too, the anniversary thing is fine, my friend got married on mine and I just said something about it being a great day to get married on, brought back great memories! But I'd be sad about not being asked when there were so many so I can see how you'd feel sad. Maybe it was family pressure or something? Try not to take it personally. I get sad about never being bridesmaid as I have a big group of friends but try not to let it get to me!

Petalflowers · 01/06/2019 15:23

Traditionally, married bridesmaids were known as ‘Matron of Honour’.

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