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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

U don’t need to ask permission

96 replies

Revelsarelovely · 31/05/2019 12:08

I dont live with my DP but he never seems to mention whenever he’s going out with this mates until the last minute. I’ve been unwell and thought we could have relaxed together today but he just mentioned he’s going out today for a drink up followed by foot all with mates later. This is not the first time he just drops things on my e.g. going abroad with a friend. He didn’t ask how I felt about it but rather that he’s going. We’ve been together for 2 years.
AIBU to feel pissed off?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 31/05/2019 12:10

Not living together, no kids. I wouldn't ask permission either.

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 31/05/2019 12:11

How long have you been together? Do you live together?
It’s common courtesy in long term relationships to know each other’s plans, I know what my DP is up to pretty much for the whole month. Neither of us ask permission it’s just a case of “I’m out Saturday with my friend Louise so I won’t be seeing you” sort of thing.
It’s so we don’t cook for the other person or make plans with them really.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 31/05/2019 12:11

I think you've given the answer in the title!

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 31/05/2019 12:12

Sorry just seen you’ve been together 2 years. Nah there’s nothing wrong with him mentioning it last min if you don’t live together.

QforCucumber · 31/05/2019 12:12

I wouldn't ask permission no. Before we had DS I came home from work one day (was living with DH) and told him I'd booked a weekend away with friends for the next week, now we have DS it's a different matter, but still not asking permission, more discussing it with him before booking.

Original poster
Revelsarelovely · 31/05/2019 12:13

Been together 2 years and it’s an established relationship. I think I will start doing the same to him

OP posts:
WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 31/05/2019 12:14

@Revelsarelovely in retaliation for what exactly? You make it sound vindictive.
You are BU

Motherof3feminists · 31/05/2019 12:15

Do you feel like you're just an option and he doesn't communicate with you? If there were no known plans for a weekend after two years I'd be expecting to spend at least some of it together.
No, he doesn't need to ask, and neither to you, but it's basic decency to mention plans at this stage. To me it would seem like you're an option. He's living the single life with the bonus of company and sex when he wants it.
You're poorly and you're feeling rough and I think it's fair enough to want to be with the person you love.

Morgan12 · 31/05/2019 12:16

If it were me I would have mentioned it yes. Its common courtesy whilst in a relationship imo.

QforCucumber · 31/05/2019 12:17

Does he know you're not feeling well? Does he know you had intentions for the weekend with him? You say 'I thought we could do this' but if you hadn't voiced it to him how is he supposed to know?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 31/05/2019 12:19

He's not your dp - he's a boyfriend you see sometimes. You are viewing him as a priority, but he is viewing you as an option.
He sees you if he hasn't had a better offer.
Time to start widening your own horizons and maybe start dating a man for whom you are his priority.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2019 12:20

Do you actually ask his permission to go out? That's beyond odd op and not ok, even if you lived together.

No of course he doesn't have to ask permission. I have no idea why you're pissed off. He is an adult who has a right to a life. There is nothing wrong with him going out with his mates and he certainly doesn't need to ask your permission, as you don't him.

Lordamighty · 31/05/2019 12:20

Building your own life is not vindictive, honestly I wonder what people are on when I read these responses. Of course you should do the same, it’s healthy for the relationship for you to have your own social network.

Shoxfordian · 31/05/2019 12:21

Maybe get a shared calendar app so you can plan stuff together

Pinotjo · 31/05/2019 12:22

UANBU it's common courtesy to run plans by your other half whether you live together or not. Sounds like he's still living a single mans life with a GF on the side. Give him a taste of his own medicine, start doing thing that don't include him

LadyVox · 31/05/2019 12:24

OP I used to do this in my teens- keep all my spare time free ‘in case’ my OH at the time wanted to do something, get upset if he told me he was going somewhere when I assumed we would be hanging out, just because.

Without being mean, it’s quite an immature attitude to have. If you want to see him, make plans- don’t assume. This is extremely true when you aren’t living together.

Once you are living together, it’s polite to let the other one know what you are doing any given evening, as the default assumption is ‘home together’. But even then, you let them know- you don’t ask permission.

janetforpresident · 31/05/2019 12:24

Of you wanted to do something with him why didn't you arrange that? YANK for assuming he will spend time with you evening wasn't planned. He would also be unreasonable for assuming the same so of course you can do the same to him.

If he really did plan a holiday without telling you then yanbu about that. That's rude.

fairybeagle · 31/05/2019 12:24

As PP's have said, no kids, don't live together then i think YABU.
However, have you told him how it makes you feel? Let him know and if he doesn't change then it might be time to reassess

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2019 12:25

UANBU it's common courtesy to run plans by your other half whether you live together or not

That's fucking chilling, they don't even live together and he has to run it past her to have a night out wit his mates? Does he fuck. Nice to tell her when he's decided, and of course he shouldn't cancel plans with her for his mates, but he didn't do this and he may have just decided.

This man has done nothing wrong here. Don't encourage controlling behaviour, if this was a man saying his girlfriend needed to ask his permission to go out then there would be an outcry.

janetforpresident · 31/05/2019 12:25

YANK!!!Blush i meant YABU!!!!

Jaxhog · 31/05/2019 12:26

Permission - no. But it would be considerate to let you know his plans in advance, so you can make alternative arrangements. I would just assume you're not doing something together and make your own plans. Or find someone who wants to be with you more often.

DawgLover · 31/05/2019 12:26

If you live together its nice to be told "don't expect/cook for me". If you have dependants fair notice is usual so you can plan ahead.

If you don't live together and don't have specific plans for that time i wouldn't expect to be told.

ElijahOrKlaus · 31/05/2019 12:26

It would be nice of him to mention holiday plans wouldn't it, especially after 2 years but anything else I don't think he has to tell you particularly unless it's rearranging plans he had with you.

thecatsthecats · 31/05/2019 12:28

My husband always asks me if we have any plans when he thinks of doing something or is invited somewhere at the weekend.

He usually also respects my opinion if I say, "No firm plans, but I was hoping we could have a nice day together then/we need to go to Homebase" etc. Not that he'll just agree to do what I say - he might suggest a different date for the same thing.

During the week, we never check, as the chance of us actually having plans or an intense need to be with each other is less than the lottery.

midsomermurderess · 31/05/2019 12:31

You seem to have different expectations of the relationship. For him it sounds more casual than you are happy with.