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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

U don’t need to ask permission

96 replies

Revelsarelovely · 31/05/2019 12:08

I dont live with my DP but he never seems to mention whenever he’s going out with this mates until the last minute. I’ve been unwell and thought we could have relaxed together today but he just mentioned he’s going out today for a drink up followed by foot all with mates later. This is not the first time he just drops things on my e.g. going abroad with a friend. He didn’t ask how I felt about it but rather that he’s going. We’ve been together for 2 years.
AIBU to feel pissed off?

OP posts:

dodgeballchamp · 31/05/2019 18:16

So you’d already made plans to spend tonight together and now he’s telling you he’s going to the football instead? If that’s the case, yes that’s shitty. I can’t work out from your latest post if that’s what happened?

If it was just that you were assuming, then YABU. He doesn’t need to run his every move past you. Also, being completely honest, if my partner/boyfriend/girlfriend told me they were ill, I’d express sympathy of course but I certainly wouldn’t be sitting in with them all evening to catch the illness myself! I’ve also been off work because I was throwing up, I cancelled on a woman I’m seeing (we were going to have a night in together) because I don’t expect anyone to come round and catch my sickness bug!

floraloctopus · 31/05/2019 18:17

Maybe he should #asksajid

BumandChips · 31/05/2019 18:26

What support do you need for being ill? Can you not be ill by yourself? Do you really need him next to you mopping your brow?

You don’t live together, why does he need to run everything by you first. Are you always this needy? Did you even tell him you’d like him to come round or were you just expecting him to mind read?

churchthecat · 31/05/2019 20:18

It's the champions league final! Anyone who follows football is going to be watching it.

What kind of illness do you have that requires looking after by a boyfriend who doesn't live with you?

Tbh if I was ill I'd cheerfully send DP off to the pub to watch the match. I wouldn't want him to miss it, it's a big game.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2019 20:25

Agree it's a big match and I'm sorry but you do sound a bit needy and demanding,. Not many blokes who are into football will want to give up theirs plans to watch this match with their mates, to spend the evening instead with their girlfriends because she needs "cheering up a bit".

Unless there is a drip feed here, he doesn't need your permission to spend the evening with his mates and as rude as it sounds, quite frankly I understand why he'd prefer it.

Get a grip or he will start to prefer to never see you.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 31/05/2019 20:39

YABU
2 years, no kids, no marriage & not even living together. Its a casual relationship and if you have no plans together then he is free to go out for a beer with his mates without asking your permission.

If you want more then you need to take the relationship further.

Original poster

Revelsarelovely · 31/05/2019 20:43

Not sure where all this about the champions league is come from. I know it’s a big game. Not on about him going to watch it. I’ll be out watching it

OP posts:

MitziK · 31/05/2019 20:47

Though you were ill and want to chill out?

picklelegs · 31/05/2019 20:53

I thought you were ill and needed support/help to make a glass of water?

PrincessPeach08 · 31/05/2019 20:55

So you are going out to watch the football now? I thought you were unhappy because you are so ill and wanted to relax with your boyfriend? You can't be that ill if your off out to watch the football.

Original poster

Revelsarelovely · 31/05/2019 20:59

Thanks

OP posts:

BlackCatsRock · 31/05/2019 21:03

I have no idea why everyone seems to be having a go at you.

The problem with mumsnet is there is a bit of a pack mentality, so once one starts, they all start.

For what it's worth, I'm on your side

ReadMyLipss · 31/05/2019 21:12

So you're saying that unless each of you has other plans with other people, then the unspoken default in your relationship is that you spend your free time with each other?

But, he does have plans with other people and he told you about it. Your issue with him really makes no sense to me, because why didn't you just ask him to spend the day with you? I just don't see what he did wrong.

I'm sorry but it does sound a tad controlling on your part.

LolaSmiles · 31/05/2019 21:14

If you lived together then I'd be on your side and think there's poor communication.

However, you don't live together and there seems to be two different ideas about this relationship status. Personally, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. You don't live together, have no ties and see each other as and when fits in. I wouldn't expect someone I happen to be seeing to run their social plans with me just in case of assumes we were doing things. I would find the need to check plans past someone quite clingy if I wasn't living with them.

I think the mistake you've made OP, although well intentioned, is holding what is a casual relationship to the standards of a long term partner.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2019 21:19

Major recovery from being so ill you need someone to get you a drink of water to going out to watch the football.

BumandChips · 31/05/2019 21:25

Before I lived with DH I just used to make plans with friends. So if he said ‘oh shall I pop round Friday’ (For example), I would say, oh I can’t as I’m out seeing so and so that night, how about Saturday? Him: yep fine, be round after I’ve been to the gym. Why does it need any more angst than that?

Original poster

Revelsarelovely · 31/05/2019 22:07

Thanks for that BlackCatsRock. I don’t quite get it either. I haven’t come on here to be cast at the way I have. Odd. Lots of sheep it seems

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2019 22:15

Surely you came on here to ask if you were being u. People have mainly said yes and stated why they think so. Why does that make them sheep. What answers were you expecting?

LolaSmiles · 31/05/2019 22:30

Lots of sheep it seems
Or lots of people who home a similar view that two adults who don't live together don't need to check in with each other about their social plans.

Lots of people having a similar view does not sheep make.

Sceptre86 · 31/05/2019 22:33

It is inconsiderate but yabu. If you have a problem with it, infuture talk about making it a priority to discuss plans so both of you are aware if the other is busy or going somewhere. I do not ask dh permission to go anywhere but run plans by him because he is my husband and I would like to take into account his opinion.

applesarerroundandshiny · 31/05/2019 22:39

Well no I wouldn't expect either partner to 'ask permission' to go out with friends whatever the relationship status. But if you've been together for two years I would certainly expect some awareness and communication with each other about each other's plans - both short term i.e. The week ahead and also in terms of letting the other know if you have planned holidays / weekends away with other friends.

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