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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

U don’t need to ask permission

96 replies

Revelsarelovely · 31/05/2019 12:08

I dont live with my DP but he never seems to mention whenever he’s going out with this mates until the last minute. I’ve been unwell and thought we could have relaxed together today but he just mentioned he’s going out today for a drink up followed by foot all with mates later. This is not the first time he just drops things on my e.g. going abroad with a friend. He didn’t ask how I felt about it but rather that he’s going. We’ve been together for 2 years.
AIBU to feel pissed off?

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 31/05/2019 12:31

He hadn't actually made any plans with you and as you don't live together, he's really not doing anything wrong. Did he do or say anything that would lead you to believe you'd have the day together, or did you just assume?

Why would he ask how you feel about it?

Yabu to be pissed off with him for no reason, and i agree it would be vindictive to drop plans on him at the last minute with the intention of pissing him off. That's not what he's done to you, because he isn't intentionally upsetting you.

KatherineJaneway · 31/05/2019 12:34

I think I will start doing the same to him

What will that achieve? You haven't said it annoys you and have accepted it thus far so why would he suddenly change his ways if you did the same to him?

wednesday32 · 31/05/2019 12:38

Had you already agreed to spend the day together and he has made other plans? Or you were thinking of spending the day together? If it's the second then he hasn't done anything wrong. x

Nousernameforme · 31/05/2019 12:39

Why is it so awful for her to drop plans on him last minute but it's to be expected from him.

I don't read it as vindictive more if that's how you think it should be then i shall do the same. Take a big step back op live your life as you will he can fit in when it's convenient for you both.

carrotflinger · 31/05/2019 12:41

He sounds like he sees this relationship as more casual than you do.
I think if you are living with someone then you should let the other person know roughly what your plans are for the week so that they can also plan. And of course things do come up spontaneously as well and you should let your partner know. No one should be having to ask "permission" but they should be considerate of the other person and let them know what they plans are. If children are involved even more planning/consideration is required so that one person doesn't end up taking the piss and leaving the other to care for the children all the time.
If you're in a relationship and not living together, then it's a bit different. You arrange to meet up or go around to each other's houses - the rest of the time you get on with your life as normal so if nothing has been arranged each partner is free to do whatever they like. eg. you've arranged to go out for a meal on Tuesday night and sleep over at his. You've not arranged anything for Wednesday night - he decides on Wednesday lunchtime he's going out with workmates until late - he doesn't need to ask your permission, he doesn't need to inform you either. It's nice if he sends a text and says going out after work, chat to you tomorrow.
The only thing I think is a bit "off" is him not letting you know about going abroad for the last minute. In a relationship with clear communication he would have mentioned this to you at the booking stage. I think you want more than he is prepared to give and I think he isn't as serious about the relationship as you. Have there been any discussions about moving in together which usually has happened or happens around the 2 year stage?

fedup21 · 31/05/2019 12:45

Is he acting cagey when he announces these plans? Does he think that you would stop him going? Or has he forgotten!

I would start with weekly-‘I’ve got yoga Wednesday then I’m going to see my mum Saturday morning this week-what are your plans for the week?’ type discussions.

Boysey45 · 31/05/2019 12:50

Hes seeing you, your not living with him or married. Its a casual relationship. It would be nice if he told you his plans but you cant expect anything much really.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 31/05/2019 12:51

I've lived with my husband for 25 years and I would think it was strange if he felt that he needed my permission to go out! Because he's a decent person, he would check in case our plans clashed, but I would never expect a grown man to ask for permission to go out!

The holiday thing is a tiny bit odd, but I suspect he just didn't want to give you the chance to ask if you could go too. I think that making your own plans and giving yourself more social choices sounds like a very good idea. Not to punish him, but because he doesn't seem to be as invested in the relationship as you are and also because it's better to have a social life outside of seeing your partner.

Oysterbabe · 31/05/2019 12:52

You should absolutely do the same to him, it's normal and healthy. Making yourself too available is not a good idea.

I have a male friend who has had a few frustrating relationships. He meets a woman who is really interesting and fun and independent and then as soon as they start a relationship she just gives it all up and wants to be with him all the time. He compares it to a wild tiger and seeing how cool it is, the way it hunts and climbs. So you decide to capture one but then find when it's in a cage it's pretty boring.

BlackCatsRock · 31/05/2019 12:57

I understand where you're coming from.

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We both have children. We live in different cities and since Christmas he's been coming over to me every Friday-Sunday.

A few months back it was a friend's birthday and she was having a girlie night on the Friday so I told him a week before and he came over on the Saturday instead.

A couple of weeks ago I asked him on the Thursday if he wanted to come over to my mum's on the Saturday, he said he wasn't coming over at the weekend as he was having his daughter. I asked when he knew he wouldn't be coming over and he said he'd known since the Sunday before! I was not happy. And not because he wanted to spend the weekend with his daughter rather than me before anyone says that.

He really struggled to understand why I was annoyed. I told him I thought it was inconsiderate to not let me know that he wouldn't be coming over.

And to anyone who says it's just a casual relationship - our relationship is as serious as it can get right now due to children and jobs. Just because we don't live together doesn't mean it's not serious.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 31/05/2019 12:58

Why didn’t you just say to him “Oh I was hoping we could have a quiet night in front of the TV to cheer me up a bit” or suggest doing something tomorrow/the next night you’re free?

He doesn’t need permission to go out but equally he isn’t a mind reader. Communication seems to be the only thing that’s missing here surely?

Happyspud · 31/05/2019 13:03

When you don’t live together you arrange to meet up (the default being you’re not together). Although you might have some very regular things and timings you do stuff together that become assumed and so I would expect an alert when the usual is not going ahead.

When you live together you arrange to be apart, and the default/assumption is that you are otherwise together.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2019 13:04

Unless you made definite plans then he is perfectly entitled to go out. As to his holiday why should he ask how you would feel about it. He is not spending your money to go, he is not leaving you to manage things alone in his absence. He is going on holiday with his friends. You can make arrangements to do things with your friends, not as a vindictive thing but because it is a good thing for you to do. Why would you choose to not make plans and just sit around assuming you will see him.

churchthecat · 31/05/2019 13:07

If you hadn't already made plans why is there an issue with him doing something in his spare time?

If you wanted to see him why didn't you tell him?

Seems a bit daft tbh. If you haven't made plans with him why shouldn't he make plans with other people? Is he supposed to check with you each time he wants to go out in case you want to see him?

RomanyQueen1 · 31/05/2019 13:16

If you are playing tit for tat and resentful after 2 years, it's not working.
I'd be checking he's as much into your relationship as you are.
I'd never expect a bf to tell me where he was going all the time, either.
I live with my dh and I expect it out of courtesy and so does he.

He's not your partner if you don't live together.

LazyLizzy · 31/05/2019 13:18

thought we could have relaxed together today

But did you have plans to see him or did you just assume?

ImMeantToBeWorking · 31/05/2019 13:23

Did you tell him you wanted to chill out with him or did you just assume you both would want to?

I would often tell my boyfriend on a thursday that I was going out on a friday night with the girls and ask for a lift, and we do live together. Likewise if he came home from work on a friday saying he was going to go drinking with the lads I would ask him does he want to be dropped and collected. I only see him Fri, Sat and Sun evenings and sometimes on a Wednesday. He works full time 2 hours away, and he farms at the weekends, and I would never begrudge him for spending time with the lads unless I had told him specifically that we were doing something on that day!

Have you told him that this annoys you or have you just let it slide? If he doesn't know he can't fix it, and you doing it to him will not help! Communication is key in a relationship, tell him it annoys you and if he still does it then you have a problem, I doubt he does it on purpose.

Doobigetta · 31/05/2019 13:29

It isn’t asking permission though, is it- it’s letting you know that he’s got other plans so you’ve got time to line something else up for yourself. It pisses me off if my husband announces at the last minute that he’s doing something without me on a Friday or Saturday night. The only thing you can really do though is either check with him that you’re spending the evening together earlier in the week, or assume that you aren’t, and sort yourself out. I do sympathise, it’s fine when you’re 20 and someone you know will always have a plan you can join in with. Grownup social lives sadly aren’t like that.

Motherof3feminists · 31/05/2019 13:29

Is it not ok to have some expectations regarding communication and consideration after 2 years or is it just casual and sex unless you're living together? What's the point of being together in a relationship? Isn't that just fwb?
It seems lots of people have very low expectations from a bf.

I've assumed in the past and have learnt I need to communicate better but so does the other person. Currently single as cba with it all and happier alone.

I hope you feel better soon op Thanks

supersop60 · 31/05/2019 13:34

YANBU. It's courtesy to discuss your plans (not ask permission) with the person you are spending your life with.
If you were expecting to have a relaxing day together - did you actually say that? Sometimes you have to spell it out.

Isatis · 31/05/2019 13:35

I never quite understand how you can be someone's partner if you don't live with them. Currently he's simply your boyfriend and you need to work on the basis that each of you does own thing unless you've arranged to meet up.

Boysey45 · 31/05/2019 13:55

@Isatis, Exactly, its someone you are seeing/girlfriend/boyfriend, etc
You cant call someone you are seeing on a casual basis your partner because they are not.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 31/05/2019 14:59

A couple of weeks ago I asked him on the Thursday if he wanted to come over to my mum's on the Saturday, he said he wasn't coming over at the weekend as he was having his daughter. I asked when he knew he wouldn't be coming over and he said he'd known since the Sunday before! I was not happy.

So you simply assumed he’d be coming over, only checking when you decided you wanted to go to your mum’s instead? You just presumed he’d stay available in case you wanted him to come family visiting with you? It seems a very strange way of doing things - especially when he has a child.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2019 15:15

you need to work on the basis that each of you does own thing unless you've arranged to meet up

This. You don't live together. If you wish to see each other you agree plans. The default is you don't see each other and each are free to do their own thing.

Even if living together he wouldn't need to ask your permission to go out. Then it is more an FYI, I'm out on Saturday, if there are kids it's different, it's by agreement as one has to care for the kids, but still no permission is sought. That's not how relationships work. And anyone on here telling you that's how it should work has problems of their own.

BlackCatsRock · 31/05/2019 15:20

@StillCoughingandLaughing
I didn't want to go to my mum's instead. She asked us if we all wanted to come over so I asked him if that was ok.

And I assumed nothing. Our relationship works that he comes to me every weekend from Friday-Sunday. We tell each other if something else is happening. He didn't bother telling me in this case.