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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

U don’t need to ask permission

96 replies

Revelsarelovely · 31/05/2019 12:08

I dont live with my DP but he never seems to mention whenever he’s going out with this mates until the last minute. I’ve been unwell and thought we could have relaxed together today but he just mentioned he’s going out today for a drink up followed by foot all with mates later. This is not the first time he just drops things on my e.g. going abroad with a friend. He didn’t ask how I felt about it but rather that he’s going. We’ve been together for 2 years.
AIBU to feel pissed off?

OP posts:
WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 31/05/2019 15:46

@Lordamighty

Building your own life is not vindictive, honestly I wonder what people are on when I read these responses

That is not at all what I meant. Of course she should be building her own life, it was the tone of what she said... like she’s punishing him for having other plans by deliberately now deciding not to inform him when she makes plans.
She sounds controlling (and a bit of a bunny boiler to be honest). Poor bloke has done nothing wrong

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2019 15:53

I have a male friend who has had a few frustrating relationships. He meets a woman who is really interesting and fun and independent and then as soon as they start a relationship she just gives it all up and wants to be with him all the time. He compares it to a wild tiger and seeing how cool it is, the way it hunts and climbs. So you decide to capture one but then find when it's in a cage it's pretty boring.

God he sounds like a nobber. 'Wild tiger' rather than a fully formed person with needs and wants. I wonder why relationships have been frustrating for him. You could remind him of the revolutionary idea that women are people.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2019 15:56

I'd agree wild tiger is shitty phrasing, but let's be honest here, no one likes a clingy partner who has to be at your side all the time and has no independent life of their own.

Well unless both parties are like that.

Singlenotsingle · 31/05/2019 15:59

Yes, OP, do it. No reason why not. Neither of you needs permission, but at least he let you know.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2019 16:04

no one likes a clingy partner

True. I think that prize arse probably thinks women are not actually fully realised humans. The bloke in the OP just wants to go out with his mates.

TowelNumber42 · 31/05/2019 16:13

Him not mentioning plans until the last moment could be him keeping the option open to make plans with you then when you two don't arrange a date together for whatever reason, he goes out with his mates.

You being ill would be a sensible reason to plan something not involving you.

I am interested in the weirdness of your phrase I think I will start doing the same to him

What do you mean? Do you sit in all the time waiting for him to grace you with his presence? Do you always check what's convenient for him before making your own plans? Don't you ever make last minute plans to go out with your own mates? Surely now and then someone messages you to say "Hey, want to go the movies tonight and stuff our faces on lovely Revels and popcorn?" And you'd say yes or no without reference to boyfriend?

OrdinarySnowflake · 31/05/2019 16:21

Abroad - I'd think it was odd that he made plans and booked it for a while, without mentioning he was going, but for general nights out, unless you have other plans, then nope, I wouldn't expect a boyfriend I wasnt living with to check with me first.

If by saying you'll do tit for tat, you mean you'll not check with him first before planning to go out with friends when you haven't got plans with him already, then fine - you should be doing this already.

Cheeseandwin5 · 31/05/2019 16:30

I think you AIBU to be fair and I am surprised so many people support your view. I would think most people would find it very controlling if their partner expected such information if they weren't married or living togeather
If he changes plans so he can spend time doing other stuff, thats one thing but it looks like you expect him to keep you updated on all his plans.
If you want to see him tell him and make arrangements.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2019 16:31

Mrsteryy, agree totally.

Also agree with this, "If by saying you'll do tit for tat, you mean you'll not check with him first before planning to go out with friends when you haven't got plans with him already, then fine - you should be doing this already"

That's exactly how it should work. No one should be asking rhe other permission to go out with their mates.

Etino · 31/05/2019 17:19

Annual Leave is so variable, I’d be really pissed of if anyone very close to me didn’t tell me as soon as they knew. That doesn’t mean no one ever goes wahey, last minute deal I’m off on Monday, but family not living together even give each other as much notice as possible- for pet sitting, taking leave to visit them etc.
The evenings and weekends, less so.

MitziK · 31/05/2019 17:31

Even I know there's a football game on tomorrow. Regretting telling DP about it as it's apparently his team so we're now off to the pub tomorrow to watch it

Unless you know categorically that somebody hates football, it's probably more sensible to assume that they will be watching a big game than get in coniptions over them doing what a large proportion of the population will be doing tomorrow afternoon.

He's not doing anything wrong. He probably assumed you'd know about it if he gave it a moment's thought. And if not, well, you aren't living together/married, so it's not exactly going to be the first thought for many people.

churchthecat · 31/05/2019 17:32

Is he an LFC/Spurs fan?

MitziK · 31/05/2019 17:35

You do know he will be watching a football match tomorrow, don't you?

Sounds like a drink, football tonight and then hangover breakfast football tomorrow as well.

picklelegs · 31/05/2019 17:38

Did you have plans for tomorrow with him? If not you're being weird and needy.

TowelNumber42 · 31/05/2019 17:40

I avoid ill people. I certainly don't drop in unannounced on them.

Original poster
Revelsarelovely · 31/05/2019 17:48

Not being needy at all. Just thought it would have been mentioned a while ago as it wasn’t a last minute arrangement. I’ve been off work and need cheering up a bit which I why I probably come across the way I do. If he was ill I’d be supporting him not going out on the piss

OP posts:
Original poster
Revelsarelovely · 31/05/2019 17:49

He hasn’t even made me a glass of water

OP posts:
Motherof3feminists · 31/05/2019 17:53

OP, try posting this in relationships. On AIBU women are needy for expecting anything like communication or common decency unless they are married. You'll get support over there I think, not here. FWIW I get it Thanks

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2019 17:54

And how would you manage if you didn't have a bf. He doesn't live with you do you really need him to come round. Ill bf or night out watching football and having a few beers no brainer get me to the pub.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2019 17:55

Communication works both ways @Mother. If OP hasnt arranged anything why cant he go out with his mates.

CripsSandwiches · 31/05/2019 17:56

A holiday he should definitely mention. Since you're not living together unless you have a standing arrangement to spend Friday nights together I think there's no need for him to run plans by you.

Motherof3feminists · 31/05/2019 17:57

Yes, I agree and OP hasn't told us if she communicated things to him.

adviceplease88 · 31/05/2019 18:00

Has he been working?? It's a Friday 🤷🏻‍♀️ he probably wants to go out and let of some steam and relax. I'm sure you'll survive OP. It's not like your dying Hmm

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2019 18:00

She also hasnt actually said how much notice he gave her of the holiday, just that he told her he was going without asking her how she felt about it.

SmarmyMrMime · 31/05/2019 18:15

Partner suggests that you are sharing your lives together, usually a home, parenting, exchange of finances to some extent. This isn't sounding like a mutual partnership, more of a casual boyfriend/ girlfriend which is fine if your expectations and aspirations are in the same league. From OP's information so far and the usage of "DP" in this context, I'm wondering if there is a mis-match with OP presuming more commitment and "DP" presuming a more casual boy/girlfriend situation.

DH and I consult with each other over our plans, primarily for information to ensure the DCs are looked after, also to ensure that we are not compromising the other. It's very rarely an "ask permission" in that we would veto the other for anything other than practicalities.

If you haven't arranged to meet, then you are free if you're not living together. Chatting about deviation from normal routines is normal conversation, but not a major thing.

The alarm bell for me is not chatting about the planning of a holiday. That's quite a major social arrangement to omit. DH went on holiday with friends in our early months. It was discussed and informally planned by the time we got together and booked shortly after. I didn't go as it didn't fit with my term dates. The key thing was that it was openly discussed. Many years later when we were living as partners I had a holiday opportunity that didn't work for him, but it was all openly discussed.

Have you actually discussed your long term aspirations together. 2 years is quite substantial when one party behaves in a casual way, and the other uses phrases like partners and assumes more involvement. Normally its a stage when futures are being planned and if moving in together isn't on the cards, it's normally for a transparent reason.

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