Okay, so not really an AIBU post but rather "I have been unreasonable and now I need to fix it post". So I am in my late 20s, have been with DH for 12 years and married for 10. We have 2 children aged 5 and 6. DH has been my only partner, I have no real family support - he has been my emotional support and best friend for many years and I genuinely do love him. I found out a year ago that DH was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. He promised to end it and we went to counselling. A couple of months later, I discovered he was still seeing her. He gave me a 15 point list of why the affair was my fault. I was devastated - these were really personal issues relating to my childhood (he says I am damaged and no one will want me), my weight (I am a size 12), my best friend and the fact that I had the audacity to shock horror work (the same number of hours he did, I might add). The other woman had, without my knowledge, been introduced to our children and had even assisted DH in picking the little one up from nursery. I felt sick to my stomach and like I had been replaced in every way. My initial reaction was to end it, however, in counselling we talked it over and I decided I could deal with it provided that the affair really had ended. It bothered me a lot during this time that DH was never really remorseful, however our counsellor suggested he may not be ready to feel remorse and to stick with it, work on his issues and essentially "put a pin in" my need to deal with the affair. It wasn't easy but I did that and there was a real improvement. The other woman left to work elsewhere, married her partner and DH eventually started to try and engage with my feelings about the affair. There was a brief period where I really felt it was working.
All of a sudden, about 7 months after my initial discovery, he started blaming me again for the affair and it turned out that it had restarted. He quit couples counselling and left me for the other woman (who ultimately decided to stay with her own husband). DH was remorseful and would come round crying and begging for another chance, saying he was suicidal etc. and thay he really loved me. I really wanted to make it work, I was worried about him, and, although he stayed living elsewhere, we continued to have a relationship albeit at a distance. The other woman got in touch with me, apologising, swearing they hadn't had sex and telling me it was over. (Her husband is staying with her - she seems to have told him that my DH threatened her into being with him and that she was "terrified" of DH. I don't believe that and she as good as admitted to me that she had spun her husband a line.) I told other woman that I forgave her, that she had not made any vows to me, that it sounded like she had a lot of issues that I sympathised with, but ultimately was quite forceful in asking her not to contact me again.
DH promised me the affair was over, that they had never had sex etc. He said he was at a low point but ultimately has gone on to make positive changes such as getting a job he enjoys and voluntarily attending counselling himself. We continued to have a relationship but again, at a distance.
Last month, he told me that he and other woman had sex together multiple times (including unprotected oral sex) including in my home, but swearing it was never in my bed. I booked an STD check and was completely and utterly devastated, however I was encouraged that, for the first time, he was being honest with me off his own back. I took the step of starting looking at a divorce and he told me other woman had agreed to sign an affadvait admitting everything (allowing me to get a divorce on the basis of adultery). I paid the fees, and he assured me he would sign an affadavit although he loved me and wanted to make it work, but ultimately the other woman changed her mind about singing her affadavit. Fortunately, DH sent me screenshots of messages from her admitting to adultery with him that I can use as evidence instead. For the first time, DH seemed to be taking full responsibility and was very caring and attentive to my needs. Although I continued looking into the divorce, I had hoped that his honesty was a sign that we could make it work.
Last night, DH told me he has been seeing other woman up until a month ago, that they had been having sex in his house and that he has been having sex with her in my bed and in my house (unfortunately he has to retain a set of keys to my flat since my work pattern means he comes round to take over childcare while kids are sleeping). I feel violated that he put me at risk of STDs and my privacy feels utterly non-existent, especially thinking of her with my husband in my bed or with my kids. It also turns out that they have been seeing one another and having sex at times when I had been told the relationship between them was over.
I feel utterly worn down by the situation and know I just cannot take it anymore. I feel completely broken and also so stupid that I have let myself be treated like this for so long. I feel so sorry for the other woman's husband (he's only 22 and seems to have been utterly duped by her and genuinely thinks she is wonderful). I am terrified of being a single parent (especially with no family support) but most importantly, I know I really, really do love this man (in spite of everything). I have been working on myself and am starting to realise that I really struggle to enforce and maintain personal boundaries (physical and emotional).
I know I have been unreasonable in putting up with DH's behaviour and feel very very foolish. Going forward, I want to be stronger and be able to respect myself more, and not put myself in situations where I am not emotionally or physically secure. However, I love him - he is funny and I enjoy his company, we have a long shared history and I believe there is still a good person under there somewhere. I miss him so much when he is not here and find myself torturing myself over and over with the details I know about his affair, trying to make sense of it and trying to understand what I could have done differently. I drive myself mad. I am also financially insecure and do not have a strong support network. I struggle to concentrate at work and I feel like a rubbish parent who is letting my children down for exposing them to this awful situation. I wanted them to grow up with a secure family unit and it hurts to realise how badly I have failed. I struggle to sleep, I am irritable and cry all the time. I feel so ashamed. My stomach plays up seemingly constantly and I get chest pains frequently. Every time I think I have my feet on solid ground, it disintegrates. I feel like I am struggling to tell the difference between what is real in our relationship and what is not.
So I am asking please, never having gone through a break up before, for your best tips on how to stay sane and how to stay strong. How do I enforce my boundaries so that I am protected from further pain? How do I make sure my kids are happy and that I keep my job? How do I stop myself from missing, turning to and relying on this man? How do I stay strong when he is adamant he lives me and wants to be with me? How do I weather the cyclical phases when he blames me for everything and is incredibly nasty? How do I take this forward?