Ex left his job to retrain as a doctor - no maintenance

[Childmaintenancechaser]

My ex had a well paid corporate job (between £120K - £150K at various times). Arranging child maintenance was a struggle, for a long time the level was set at £51 / week for two children for reasons I cannot fully understand (he has limited contact, by choice). Childcare fees were not accepted by the CMS as something he has a duty to contribute to either. I had to return to full time work with two under two, and am still deeply in debt accrued at that time.
Now he finally has a job where he is employed in the UK and his full earnings are under PAYE and thus visible to the HMRC. And... I have just received an official letter from him that he is quitting his current job in order to retrain as a medical doctor and not planning to be in paid employment at least for the next six years. He's in early 50s, and both our children are still under 5.
I don't even know what my AIBU is. AIBU to think that if one has enough funds to get through the medical school, it has to be taken into account for the child support calculation? AIBU to be very jealous at him for having this freedom to do as he wishes?

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a reply. He's chuckling to himself at the thought of your shock and distress on receipt of the letter. There's nothing you can do so just ignore.

One day your dc will come to understand the type of man he is, and he will come to know that prioritising money and vengeance cost him the love and respect of his children.

Buy This is Going to Hurt by Adam Kay. It's a bestselling, hilarious diary of a trainee doctor and you can imagine your ex enduring the lot of it. PP was right, he'll never make it. Wanker.

Why are so many people convinced universities are allowed to discriminate based on age?

"I think I would want proof of his acceptance on a course,if he actually has been accepted on to medical school"

OP has seen his acceptance letter.

My ExH did this. He is retraining so I get a pathetic amount of maintenance, but he inherited a six-figure sum of money a couple of years ago. That's not taken into account. He's living a life of luxury and I'm struggling to make ends meet!

I only got to page 5 before posting but am so sorry to hear this op.

A medical degree is such hard work that hopefully he'll find it too much energy wise. And the worst bit is after qualifying when he'll be even older. Absolutely knackering in your 20s. Horrendous in 50/60s..

How on earth could you enforce 5050 care? He doesn’t want to.
I would make sure everyone I knew knew what kind of shit he was and that I would happily burn his place to the ground and salt the earth afterwards for his complete and deliberate failures as a father. But that’s me.

The lack of maintenance payment is often linked with the non or limited contact with the children. There are various reasons for this, but ultimately, that is the saddest aspect of it all for the children.

I feel for you, I have a cockwomble of an ex as well.
I think what might help is if you try to ignore him and plan for you and your kids. What dreams do you have? What career do you want?
Speak to citizens advice about debt and make a plan, pay minimum or get a dro and have poor credit for 6 years or live frugally for a year and clear it etc
There are courses you can do at home to help you retrain.
One day you will bump into him and realise he is a sad old man. Your kids will understand he let them down as they get older and in all of their memories it will be you who is there, not him.

But if you’re getting £1k per month for years then NRP looses their job and can only pay £300 I don’t think CMS should step in at that point for savings

well you don't need to worry because they won't. But what you are really saying is the resident parent should make sure to save out of their maintenance and use those savings to support their children if the non resident parent drops his support - but that non resident parent can have all the savings he wants and no obligation to use them to support his children.So savings are far game for one parent but not the other special one. As always a mother is expected to provide far more for her children than a father (can't be arsed with the resident/non resident stuff- we all know which sex is most likely to not support).

What I find issue with is during times of employment when for example the OPs husband was a high earner, OP was probably getting far more CMS that required to live comfortably and actually able to save some money, there were peaks and troughs here.
The payment was reviewed in April, to a reasonable level of £1.1K / month (a % of his salary plus an adjustment for the number of nights he is supposed to have them). I received that in April and May, and the payments will continue through the summer (i.e. three months of his notice period). It looks very flush, but in reality does not cover 50% of childcare fees (I have a 2.5 yo and a 4 yo, and have to pay for two full time nursery places in London). No savings, but April and May were first months where I did not have to add to my debt / credit cards, and it REALLY made a difference to how I feel about my life.

OP - what do you think of the idea of 50/50 care?
He won't do it, and we both know it. He does not even have overnights now, accepts he does not have the skills or patience. Maybe it will be an option when they are older and a little bit more manageable.

OP, but have you thought about writing to your MP at some point?
I don't really want it to become too public. I even never told anyone from my friends, everyone thinks (knowing that ex had a good career) that we are well supported. I name changed on here as well.

Oh come on, yes it's abhorrent he's not paying for his children's upkeep - but taking on a 6 year slog of studying cannot be the driver to avoid paying the OP. (Plus she's referred to it as previously being a dream of ex-DH)
I don't think he is doing it specifically to avoid maintenance, there are easier ways of doing that. Yes, it was his dream - but on the other hand, he has quite an idealistic view of what medicine is. When we were still together, I asked why does not he go to train and volunteer with St Johns Ambulance / Red Cross / etc., but that was too primitive and boring for him. He is quite bright academically and I don't have a doubt that he is able to do the course - but as many of you, I am sceptical that he will see it through because of the sheer work pressure.

We’re you married OP? You say Ex rather than exDP
How has he run up debts in £150K salary?
Yes, married but for a very short time. He does not have debts, it is me who is a bit drowning in them

@TooTrusting

Thank you so much - a lot of very useful information and I will definitely spend a couple of hours this weekend researching about it. Yes, we were married and there is a financial order in place (silent on the child maintenance as at the time ex was temporary unemployed and in the process of moving abroad).

Does he have many "dreams"?
Quite a few. Ironically, the children were his dream once too.

How often does he see your children? Is he planning on using his time studying to see them more?
About once every two to three weeks, for a couple of hours. I doubt he will see them more, as his university is quite far away from where we live.

Anyway, I have no useful advice other than to note that a friend whose course family member did the dirty to her financially felt better after turning the whole sordid episode into a murder mystery. It was a decent book, too!
Actually, my "dream" is writing a book that I've been pregnant with for at least a decade.

the resident parent should make sure to save out of their maintenance and use those savings to support their children if the non resident parent drops his support - but that non resident parent can have all the savings he wants and no obligation to use them to support his children.So savings are far game for one parent but not the other special one

That's not really the case though is it. Clearly if NRP has savings, they've been saving across the years. RP should do the same. Even in the cases of fair maintenance payments and fair splits, we still don't know what might happen re jobs or even one parent dying. It makes sense then for both parents to save. Chances are the NRP would be using some of those savings towards costs related to their child when with them - extra rooms, clothes and toys for their house (age dependent on toys of course), food washing electric etc when with them.

I think the NRP is a shit for not contributing to his DC but I don't think it's as clear cut as some posters make out. I also don't think it's worth allowing yourself to feel shitty about it for any extended period of time. There's nothing you can do about it and telling everyone what a shit he is, is only going to make you feel worse. Let it go, plan for your future and your DC's future based on your guaranteed income, forget about him and just support your DC as much as possible if they ever realise how much of a shit he is

I asked why does not he go to train and volunteer with St Johns Ambulance / Red Cross / etc., but that was too primitive and boring for him.

Ha he's going to have fun in the early years then isn't he!

I don't really want it to become too public. I even never told anyone from my friends, everyone thinks (knowing that ex had a good career) that we are well supported. I name changed on here as well.
I honestly believe these facts should be shouted from the rooftops, put up in posters in public places etc. Why the fuck would you protect him from anyone’s bad opinion? He deserves it.

Sorry, getting through all the posts slowly :)

Sadly, while you let what he's doing affect you so much, he's got control over your feelings. All the previous posts agreeing with you about how unfair this is, although justified in sentiment, don't actually help you, other than keep you feeling stuck where you are.

I think what might help is if you try to ignore him and plan for you and your kids. What dreams do you have? What career do you want?

This is actually very true. I think ranting on here helped a little bit though - hearing other posters calling my ex everything under the sun is strangely therapeutic.
I don't want a career as such - I already have an ok career where I have a decent reputation and a chartered status. In all honesty, it is boring as hell (think accountancy / compliance, or similar). I was hoping to be able to do the opposite - to downshift a little bit, spend more time with the children, given that I have another potential source of financial support. Maybe to career change to something a little bit more rewarding or intellectually stimulating. Maybe even take a holiday, did not have one for 5 years. I was working 7 to 7 since my youngest was 3 months, just totally burned out now with the office rat race.

@pallisers

Again. Not what i said. I said I thought the nil rate should not be nil and again, have no disputed that the NRP should be paying.... You seem to determined to interrupt something that isn’t there in my posts.

I don’t disagree that when maintenance is inflated - ie more than children cost the RP should save. OP hasn’t done this but if you rely on one person too heavily and don’t make a rainy day provision then you’re pretty foolish. Most people are one paycheck away from homelessness having a NRP doesn’t make you immune.

Are you actually reading what the OP has posted Fox? She couldn't save what she didn't get. He's only made a couple of payments at a sensible level and now due to stop again.

It is not possible for lots of people to save up a rainy day fund but it certainly will pay off to be working.
Loads of men suddenly rush off to opena vineyard i.e. make no money, or give up work to look after their new child with a lover who earns a lot and will work or set up their own business i.e. in all those cases ensure they don't earn any money like the prospective doctor here.

Was the financial order from the divorce a "clean berak" i.e. no spousal maintenance and did it deal with childcare costs separately? Eg ours said I paid for the full time childcare and school and university fees as I was the higher earner.

@BarrenFieldofFucks

I am, it’s the misquoting of my posts I am disputing which has derailed my subsequent posts from the thread.

Ugh OP this is shit
He’s a knob

Only light for you is that when the kids start school your costs will drop thankfully but can imagine that feels a long time away if you are getting increasing debts just treading water until then

Can I ask which med school as it is virtually unheard of to get accepted after about 40.
You might find his dream falls flat fairly swiftly tbh- medical training is TOUGH and his peers will have youthful energy on their side.

His whole life is for living mantra must be so galling to hear whilst to slog away in a full job just providing for his kids. What a praise turnip he is. He really does not sound doctor material. Let’s hope he doesn’t go into paediatrics.

Could you move away and live somewhere cheaper? Nursery costs can be so much less away from London. Or even a nanny whilst you have two pre schoolers? Sounds like you need a change of scene and pressure.

Men like your ex give non resident fathers a bad name.

arsehole. 100%.

How is this fair? Presumably he chose to have 2 kids and therefore should be jointly responsible for them ( with the op) till they legally become adults.

His life choices should be shaped around this obligation and not the other way around. The OP’s choices have been made around supporting their children, why is it not the same requirement from him?

Do you have a nominal maintenance order for spousal maintenance, given the young ages of the children, or was there a clean break?

I think if you are totally stuffed through no fault of your own and him trying to hide behind going abroad then you could use Schedule 1 to have a second bite of the cherry based on fact that the children need it. Eg a contribution to housing, lump sums for other things etc.
Hill v Morgan is authority on how reasonable it is to expect a payment to reduce/cover your debts (she got one).

That advice is very fact-dependent though.

How on earth could the op save when she has two preschoolers and works full time? She's already said the maintenence didn't cover childcare let alone anything else?