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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex left his job to retrain as a doctor - no maintenance

285 replies

Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 12:59

My ex had a well paid corporate job (between £120K - £150K at various times). Arranging child maintenance was a struggle, for a long time the level was set at £51 / week for two children for reasons I cannot fully understand (he has limited contact, by choice). Childcare fees were not accepted by the CMS as something he has a duty to contribute to either. I had to return to full time work with two under two, and am still deeply in debt accrued at that time.
Now he finally has a job where he is employed in the UK and his full earnings are under PAYE and thus visible to the HMRC. And... I have just received an official letter from him that he is quitting his current job in order to retrain as a medical doctor and not planning to be in paid employment at least for the next six years. He's in early 50s, and both our children are still under 5.
I don't even know what my AIBU is. AIBU to think that if one has enough funds to get through the medical school, it has to be taken into account for the child support calculation? AIBU to be very jealous at him for having this freedom to do as he wishes?

OP posts:
Upzadaizy · 31/05/2019 10:07

When then perhaps he shouldn’t be allowed the luxury of opting out of earning when he has a prior responsibility to support his children

This.

He's a leech - and a leech on all taxpayers, not just the OP mother of his children.

But he will reap what hew sows - if his children have any sense when they're adults, they'll understand what sort of a man he is. He shouldn't count on their respect or affection.

MotherOfDragonite · 31/05/2019 10:08

It's morally very very wrong.

Canyouhearthedrumsfernando · 31/05/2019 10:32

Its probably no consolation to you, OP, but he won't make it. Medical training breaks healthy young things in their prime; it'll chew him up and spit him out. It's hard, physically (long shifts, including frequent switching between days and nights, and hours on your feet without a break) and emotionally (aside from the obvious, the way med students and junior drs are spoken to sometimes is borderline abusive quite humbling. That's incredibly hard to deal with if you're used to being a respected high-flying corporate type.) Getting through it requires commitment, a very strong sense of ethics, and a partner who picks up all your slack robust support network. It doesn't sound like he has any of those things.

Sofasurfingsally · 31/05/2019 10:34

Quality at 48 isn't the same as qualifying at 58, and starting post F2 at 61. It is a ridiculous idea to offer him a place.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 31/05/2019 10:39

Be so tempted to say you need to follow a dream too & you need him to have equal time with the children.

Foxmuffin · 31/05/2019 10:44

@GrapefruitsAreNotTheOnlyFruit
@pallisers

I do not think it’s unreasonable to support your children via savings. I just think this is a difficult area for CMS to have jurisdiction. I am a parent, I am no stranger to supporting children and what that means. We have periods where we have had to live off savings because of the nature of DH job. I do not dispute that this man should have to pay.

Perhaps a nil rate that isn’t nil could be applied in this circumstance that is realistic. Ie how much every parent would have to find or have their children starve)...

What I find issue with is during times of employment when for example the OPs husband was a high earner, OP was probably getting far more CMS that required to live comfortably and actually able to save some money, there were peaks and troughs here. But those peaks and troughs would be there for NRP so I don't necessarily think dipping into savings in times of hardship to maintain that level of CMS is justified. But that’s not to say a fair contribution should not be made from savings. Perhaps I’m not explaining myself well. But if you’re getting £1k per month for years then NRP looses their job and can only pay £300 I don’t think CMS should step in at that point for savings.

I was talking generally rather than specific on these facts, again this man should absolutely be contributing towards his children.

Foxmuffin · 31/05/2019 10:46

@Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt

My thoughts too. OP should have a dream of 50:50 and he can have the kids the other half of the time.

GPatz · 31/05/2019 10:51

I don't understand why CMS decided he doesn't have a duty to pay childcare. How does just work? If DH and I split up and he would not pay the our children's nursery fees, I would not be able to work as I would end up caring for them. I earn a decent amount, but paying mortgage, bills and full time nursery fees for two children would not cover it!

fluffyjumper · 31/05/2019 10:52

What a selfish fish cock.

kbPOW · 31/05/2019 10:56

CMS's role is to seek payment when the NRP has an income from employment. Nothing more. They are not concerned with the steps NRPs take to evade payment.

Sofasurfingsally · 31/05/2019 11:14

Also, if he is self funding, isn't there an argument that he has a prior call on that money? Can anyone just tell CSA they are training instead?

k1233 · 31/05/2019 11:18

Instead of quibbling about maintenance why not just do 50/50 care? That way he has to cough up when he's looking after them. He's only studying, so should have plenty of time now to look after the kids...

Aridane · 31/05/2019 12:21

Quality at 48 isn't the same as qualifying at 58, and starting post F2 at 61. It is a ridiculous idea to offer him a place

And yet they have...

OP - what do you think of the idea of 50/50 care?

kbPOW · 31/05/2019 12:34

50/50 care cannot be forced and is not necessarily what's best for the children. It's really not a substitute for having a proper body to ensure NRPs adequately support their children and that they have proper powers to investigate and sanction losers who do not have the conscience to do this without being forced.

TheInvestigator · 31/05/2019 12:36

@k1233

He doesn't want the kids. Is she meant to just leave them on his doorstep for 50% of the time?

Men walk off and abandon kids all the time. They think seeing them once or twice a month is fantastic parenting. So all you can do is go to CMS and at least get the pathetic about of maintenance they decide on. But when they jack in their jobs, you can't even get that.

If it were women doing this to men regularly, you can bet laws would be changed and harsh punishments introduced.

NameChangeNugget · 31/05/2019 12:44

What a selfish fish cock

So true, you can’t reason with people that give zero fucks

AngelsSins · 31/05/2019 13:17

I’m disgusting by the amount of men out there who try to avoid paying for their own children in any way they can. Almost 4 billion is owed in unpaid child support and fuck all is done about it. It’s a national disgrace.

swingofthings · 31/05/2019 13:34

Agree that stopping any kind of maintenance is terrible. If he has financial resources to support himself, I expect selling a property, he should also contribute to support his children and build contact worth them.

However, I disagree about him not able to study medicine because of his age. People study for degrees all the time with no intention to get a job in the studied field. Should all uni demand that all applicants sign a declaration that they will be in related work or looking for it upon graduating? Why should medicine be different? Maybe he is one of those extremely academically gifted person who gets a kick from studying and only intends to get a degree in Medicine with no intention to become a doctor?

madcatladyforever · 31/05/2019 13:40

What an absolute piece of crap YANBU. My first husband paid no maintenance either...ever. his son now doesn't give a single shit about his father.

Kaddm · 31/05/2019 13:47

I’d just reply that whilst ideally it would be great for him to be able to follow his dream, unfortunately it will result in neglect of his children so please could he consider how he might provide for them for the six years he plans on studying.

What a monumentally selfish cunt.

CaMePlaitPas · 31/05/2019 13:51

I get so so angry about non payment of child maintenance, my Mum was right when she said that women are always left holding the baby. I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP, but just know it'll get easier, your children will get older, they will get more independent and eventually they will understand that their Dad is a piece of shit (and fucking ridiculous tbh..) One day your children will hold you tightly and tell you how much you mean to them. Don't give up x

PoesyCherish · 31/05/2019 13:59

Parents who have their children living with them aren't exempted from feeding and providing for their children just because they are in school full-time.

No of course not, because we never see (mostly) Mum's sat doing nothing whilst claiming benefits. When DSD lived with her Mum she claimed benefits and didn't do anything whilst also being paid a lot of maintenance. But sure let's just blame all these non resident dad's because it couldn't possibly be resident mum's too Hmm

Suliemantra · 31/05/2019 14:08

This is the last straw. I am SO angry on your behalf op. We need to start properly protesting this . I will start a thread

BarrenFieldofFucks · 31/05/2019 14:13

What I find issue with is during times of employment when for example the OPs husband was a high earner, OP was probably getting far more CMS that required to live comfortably and actually able to save some money, there were peaks and troughs here.

The OP has already said that he left the country to avoid paying,and it has only been this year that he has been a UK taxpayer.

givemesteel · 31/05/2019 14:26

I think I would want proof of his acceptance on a course,if he actually has been accepted on to medical school at his age that is a shameful waste of taxpayers money. I just don't really believe it, medical school is so competitive.