Neighbours complaining about toddler noise

[NadT]

Hello,

I'm looking for opinions and any advice please. We are a family of 3 living in a semi-detached house. We have a 2 and a half year old. Over the last few months, just as he turned 2, the neighbours started sending messages stating they could hear 'constant banging' particularly in the mornings. Without more specific information we assumed that they were referring to our toddler waking at 5.30, getting out of his bed and running around his room and jumping. For the record my husband and I hate this too! I was out at the time and so sent a reasonable message back apologising and explaining. My husband sent a friendly message to her husband also explaining. We had return comments such as "It's not on" and "we believe you can do something about it". We asked them for a face to face to discuss exactly what their grievances were and they ignored the message.

After that they blocked us and cut off communication. This week one of them posted a Facebook post on our private residents page complaining about inconsiderate neighbours and that they would be moving as a result of noise in a few years. We were highly embarrassed by this as other neighbours contacted us asking what was going on.

We felt this was unwarranted and so contacted them again asking for a face to face so we could find out exactly what it was that we are doing that is bothering them do much. We received responses full of abuse and our offer to meet was firmly rejected.

We are now uncomfortable and anxious in our own home. I find myself panicking and shouting at my poor toddler every time he makes some sort of noise. We have tried everything to get him to sleep in later in the mornings such as Gro clock, rewards, modifying naps and asking the health visitor for advice. Nothing works. He wakes early.

The banging is also probably coming from his tantrums which at the moment are epic! Again we deal with them but we can't stop them outright or predict when they are going to happen!

My confidence has been severely damaged by their comments towards me and my toddler. Heavily implying that my toddler is an inconvience because of his noise. Whilst I genuinely sympathise and appreciate the noise isn't fun I would like the opportunity to give them context and insight so that they can at least understand why it's happening. I'm also genuinely happy to try and change a few things but by refusing to meet us to discuss it I'm not sure how I can move forward without information about exactly what is bothering them. My husband struggles with depression and this has set him back too especially in his search for a job.

We live in Scotland so far away from our families and hence any support or option to go and stay with them for a bit. We aren't financially able to move house and don't want to leave anyway.

Advice gratefully appreciated. And shared experiences!

ha ha they a child its what they do tell them to grow up and look for a new house as soon the t'youngun will become a teenager and then they will really hate it and I can reliably state that eight is the new thirteen of course back in their day children didnt make noise they just lived in the cellar

You need to try and keep your child quiet. Your child's noise is not their problem have done bloody shame no one wants to be woken that early by someone else's lazy parenting.

I think you need to try to control what noise you can. You can't stop the initial wake up shout/cry, but you can minimise the impact of any additional noise after that. I think that most people understand that, but I would expect you to be taking your child elsewhere in the house if they're continuing to make noise.

You lot are heartless and people who refer to a child as IT definitely don’t have children of their own...consequently not know what is like to raise a child. Those of you who don’t have children better keep your opinions to yourself.
I feel for you OP. I’m in the same situation. It’s hard work trying to please everyone else and putting their needs first and ignoring your own. Anyone who doesn’t want to live in a community which includes toddlers/ babies should go a live somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

*don't know

God OP you are getting a roasting.
I have to ask for if you do come back, do you get up with him when he wakes at 5.30am or do you let him entertain himself for a bit so you can get more sleep? If you do get him up, I don't really see what more you can do, if you don't try getting him up, putting him in a secure high chair with toys and having another 30 mins on the sofa. Might help a little bit win the morning problems, if they are still complaining about toddler noise throughout the day, they are the unreasonable ones. Toddlers may be little but they sound like a herd of bloody elephants once they start running around.
Stop focusing on anything else and just keep trying to sort out his sleep pattern, to get him to sleep in later. If he has a nap during the day, cut it by an hour, he should eventually pick up that extra hour in the morning, rather than at nap time.
Just keep trying, you will get there. If they say anything again, just say we are really sorry we are trying everything to fix it. Let them know you aren't just ignoring the problem. Also keep using the gro clock, I know it may not work right now, but if you keep using it anyway, he may eventually get the idea. Good luck OP.

You could perhaps try to put him to bed a bit later in the evenings, that might make him sleep a bit later in the mornings. It used to work for us when our very active dc was younger. Good luck.

Are you my neighbour OP? I set my alarm for work at 7am. My DH comes in from work (nights) at 5am (ish).

Next doors noisy, screamingbrat child starts at 5am every morning. Which means I have no.choice than to get up at 5am - because the brat child is left to his own devices. I work 9am until 9pm so I really could do with being allowed to sleep until 7am (It's not much to ask).

My DH works shifts - days, afternoons and nights. We expect some neighbourhood noise during the daytime but the noise from next doors children at 5am is enough to wake the dead. I am being woken too early and DH has no Chance of getting to sleep after a night shift.

OP The World does not revolve around your little darling. Get up at 5M and sort him/her out like most other parents. There is no need for a group discussion with your neighbours. They have complained that your child's behaviour is waking them up too early. You are the parent. You sort it out.

YABU

No need for a face to face meeting to find out what the noise is, they've told you.

You just need to deal with him. Fortunately I'm detached, but if I wasn't and had to put up with that, I'd be hammering on your door at 5:30 to tell you to stop him.

Sorry but when you live in a semi you have a responsibility to your neighbour. Being woken so early every day will be having a major impact on their lives.

When we had sleep issues with our the toddler one of us would get up with him. If you are not hearing him/getting up with him he either needs to sleep in With you or you in with him.

It doesn’t matter what excuses you give your neighbours this needs to stop now

How old are your children TheGardenFairy? I cannot believe the responses on here, sometimes Mumsnet is just a hive of unsupportive negativity. I remember what this feels like, DS never slept past 5:30am and I would get up every single day, mainly due to the need for tea before I lost my mind. The neighbours sound bloody awful and anyone who has had conflict like this knows how it permeates through everything, that on top of sleep deprivation is not good for the OP’s mental health.

Suggestions like moving rooms is much more helpful than crap like ‘put him to bed later’ or ‘get a gro clock’, anyone who has been through this knows none of it works, you just pray for it to end. Have any of the people posting ‘your kid, your problem’ tried negotiating with a toddler?

Still, all these people telling someone who thinks she is being a shit parent that she is a shit parent warms my cockles. So many amazing parents out there, your kids must all be fucking perfect.

No helpful suggestions except I found that waking my LO just enough to stir them when I went to bed was enough to 'reset' their sleep cycle so that they slept past their usual wake up time. You could try that?

Shouldn't have kids if you're not prepared to parent them. I'd be bloody livid if I had to put up with the disturbance from your kids and had such a shocking lack of responsibility from the response.

Good on them.

God OP you are getting a roasting

And well-deserved, as they have not come back to say what they have done to ameliorate the problem.

I winced when I read this thread as we moved house once partly to get away from neighbours who were classical musicians (therefore at least one of them had a concert each night and would come in and clomp about around midnight) and then they had a child who got up at 5am on the dot and would scream for their attention. Now we have a DC of our own I completely get that some DC are essentially organic alarm clocks, but our neighbours had four bedrooms (one downstairs) and yet chose to have their child's cot on the party wall right by our bed. We were quite friendly at that time so I was aware of the layout of their house - and they must have been aware that the layout of ours, a smaller, middle terrace, meant we couldn't move the beds. A little thoughtfulness goes a long way in these situations.

I had horrible neighbours once who used to hammer or drill (literally drill!) the walls if our baby cried. We never left her to cry, she would sometimes just be screaming in our arms and we tried absolutely everything to help her. She had colic, there wasn’t much else we could do. They were in their sixties and I think childless or had at least forgotten what having a child is actually like... It was a miserable few years, we moved in the end because I felt like I was jumping every time one of my DC made a slight noise in case they started hammering (which scared them).

I’d tried knocking on their door a fair few times and also posted a couple of cards through their door to apologise for the noise but they didn’t respond.

I think you’ve been dealt an unnecessary roasting on here, probably chose the wrong board to post on. If you’d tried parenting your responses would’ve been completely different, maybe even on chat too.

I agree that you shouldn’t leave a toddler bashing around in their bedroom at 5:30am but if you are waking up with them as soon as you hear the noise then your NDN’s are just pricks.

Oh my God! How childish of them! I don't understand people who moan about child noise. It happens, and you sound like you do everything you can to avoid it becoming too loud. Let your child make noise, to be honest, after their behaviour, I'd be tempted to actively encourage it! But then I am a wind up! Don't allow anyone to make you feel trapped in your own home. Xx

I’ve been on both sides of this, so I sympathise with the early waking - it will pass and you really have to go with it, exhausting as it is. Can’t tell what you’re doing when he wakes but if you aren’t getting up then you need to.

I’ve also been in a terraced house where I was next to child’s room, so I appreciate your neighbours point of view, and the time I worked afternoons through to night so early wake up was a pain. Also been in a flat where the toddler above used to bang toys on the wooden floor - after a while this does become depressing.

For goodness sake, the OP has gone! What’s the point of continuing to harangue her? She’s clueless not defiant, and clearly stressed, and probably would have accepted some of the criticism if some of you hadn’t been so unpleasant about it.

TheGardenFairy

If the OP is your neighbour, then you must be making PA digs about her on Facebook? Are you??

Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I doubt anyone would admit to that on here.

@Stealthfart I totally agree with you. So many people are quick to point fingers at other parents.

I've got all 3 of my closest neighbors numbers, and several other on FB. We take in parcels, send cards, know each others names etc. It's really not that unusual.

OP you need to control your child at 5.30am, it sounds like you're not actively doing anything, just lying in bed hoping he'll stop.

Da is 20m and has for the last 6 weeks taken to waking up at 530.

We’re lucky that we have an end terrace and he’s on the end side (so his room isn’t adjoining the neighbours). But still. 530am without fail every morning.

It’s either “Mummy/daddy wheeeeeerrrrrrraaaaaaarrrrruuuuuuuuu?”
“Meow meow meow meow” (if catface is in his room)
“ e i e i oooooo”
“Rowrowrow”

Or just random babbling.

One of us gets up and takes him downstairs. The other gets up and showers and gets easy for work (if a week day) or has a lie in if weekend (we do alternate days).

I don’t let him outside until 830/9 on weekends. Because I don’t think it’s fair on the neighbours.

We have breakfast and play with toys and maybe watch tv.

I’ve asked the neighbours to let me know if he is being too noisy but so far so good.

What noise does he make when he wakes up?
Realistically you do need to keep him quiet until abput 7, in terms of not screaming like a banshee. Normal playing is fine. Screaming, shouting and jumping first thing in the morning isn't. Does he come in to bed with you for snuggles?
Has he got blackout blinds?does he have breakfast as soon as he wakes and then look at some books or toys?
Once it gets to 7.30 or 8, that's normal family getting up time so noise is acceptable and you can be noisy all day but not at night.
Things likertpeatedly throwing a ball at a wall are awful on the other side, repeatedly jumping on or off of something next to the wall for hours .
General running nnjng arpund noise of a hpuse with kids in has bedn jormal evetywhere I ve lived. And its one of those things thats part of life. If it's the mornings that are bothering your neighbours then you just need to find a way to quieten them.

If you are keeping your LO relatively quiet after the initial wake up frenzy until normal waking hours it could he your neighbour being unreasonable. A lot of people are unreasosonabke regarding expectations of children and or noise.
For some neighbours the mere fact you are up early and walking quietly around is enough the infuriate them. If you are doing ypur best there's nothing more you can do. If you are aware and being proactive you don't need to feel bad. You have an active toddler. The neighbours have a narrowmindedness problem and bullying mindset. Being a mum is hard.it takes time. Just do your best. You jever know your luck the nrighbours might move