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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am I being a complete twat...

112 replies

mawa65 · 30/05/2019 11:15

My son was 21 last week and when he opened his cards from my 2 best friend he received £50 from each of them. Great, but here is the thing when their children were 21 (they have 2 each) we gave the boys who dont have a dad but there mum is solvent £150 each and we gave the 2 girls from our other bf who are very well off £100 each. At the time we were skint but made the effort as they were our bf kids. Help! I'm in a quandry and dont know what to do x

OP posts:

mamaoffourdc · 30/05/2019 13:23

You don't need to say anything, your son needs to say thank you!

Bookworm4 · 30/05/2019 13:23

Why are people giving their friends adult kids £150 gifts?
The little remark about the boys not having a dad was unnecessary and snotty, glad you've realised you're a twat and a snobby one at that.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 30/05/2019 13:26

Not the point, but I wish I was your friend!

Mythreeknights · 30/05/2019 13:29

Yes, YABU! Of course you are - it's not a competition!

Jaxhog · 30/05/2019 13:35

There shouldn't be any expectations about giving the same. You don't give to receive.

That's it exactly. The ONLY rreasonable esponse is 'thankyou'.

Roselinemac · 30/05/2019 13:38

So you can either... Say thank you and just let it go or be pissed off and hold a grudge forever. Depends on how well you value your friendship. Is it really worth being bothered about?

DelusionalDog · 30/05/2019 13:40

@mawa65 I fully understand your stance. Lowering the amounts and say you gave £20 and they gave £10 I would feel a little put out. However its up to them what they can afford and what they want to give. Maybe they are strapped for cash right now, maybe they just dont like your son or maybe they just think £50 is a generous amount. I would presume, with them giving them same amount as each other, it was discussed between them. I do think £150 is a lot and wouldnt even expect that from aunts/uncles for my DCs 21st. I think this is just a move on and forget it situation and maybe lower the wedding / baby gifts you send for the next milestones in the childrens lives.

Can I ask a few questions as this has interested me. How much did they give one anothers children for their 21st? Also if you give £150 to a friends child what would you give a niece/nephew? Also what did you give your DS for his 21st if you gave £150 to a non family member when strapped for cash?!

CroydonGirl1 · 30/05/2019 13:42

They were very generous gifts you gave, and to be fair so is a £50 gift to a friend's child.

I think the trouble with thinking that people are affluent/have good jobs/get paid a lot, is that you never truly know what someone's personal expenses are. Perhaps they do earn more, but perhaps their outgoings (mortgage, council tax, utility bills) are incredibly high and therefore their actual disposable income isn't what you think it might be....

I guess the thing is now that you stop the gifts, the kids are all grown ups now. You've been very generous and you can put your hand on your heart and say that you felt you did the best you could with gifts. Don't let this spoil what is clearly some very long friendships.

grupple · 30/05/2019 13:44

You gave too much OP, far too much.

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 30/05/2019 13:46

If you have £150 to give a friend's child you were clearly not skint and probably don't know the meaning of the word

Agree completely with this statement.

FWIW, if my bf gave my kids £100+ for their 21st I’d be mortified as I know for sure that I would NEVER be able to return that amount when hers turned that age.

Sparklingbrook · 30/05/2019 13:48

We stopped giving gifts/money at 18.

AliceRR · 30/05/2019 13:50

I don’t think this is the way to approach gifts. Give what you want to give (which will depend on what you can afford and how you feel about the other person amongst other things) and expect others to do the same. If you give, expecting to get the same back, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and bitterness.

I do understand it can be disappointing if you feel you were more generous. For example, I had a situation where I had given a friend £X when I attended her wedding reception (was only invited to evening) and when I got married (and invited her to the whole day, which she attended) she gave me less. I remembered what I had given her but she may not have. I couldn’t tell you what every individual gave me for each birthday, wedding, my children but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t very grateful.

You might find you are much happier if you don’t dwell on details like this.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 30/05/2019 13:52

Three months ago I gave my friends daughter £50 for her 21st Birthday, their son got £30 for his eighteenth last year. My daughter was 21 a few weeks ago and they didn’t even get her a card. I won’t be bothering with anything for their third child when he reaches 18 soon.... shame for him but although I don’t expect reciprocal gifts the fact that my DD didn’t even get a “Happy Birthday” on Facebook stings and makes me realise that I am no longer a valued friend.

Boysey45 · 30/05/2019 13:53

A card and £10.00 is enough for a friends childs birthday.
You have given way too much.Whats that about?
In future just stick to a very modest budget then you wont feel peeved when its not reciprocated.

Halloumimuffin · 30/05/2019 14:03

For what it's worth OP £150 is more than I got from my own parents for my 21st birthday, and I certainly didn't get anything from their friends.

Bluerussian · 30/05/2019 14:05

You don't have to do anything. £50 as a a gift is quite enough, quite generous actually.

my2bundles · 30/05/2019 14:10

Say thankyou. I would struggle to give my own child £150 never mind someone else's.

Jinglejanglefish · 30/05/2019 14:12

Maybe they are pissed off you gave £150 to the boys and £100 to the girls?

CheeseInACake · 30/05/2019 14:15

So you chose to give an inappropriately large sum of money to your friends' children for their birthdays and now you are annoyed they didn't succumb to the pressure to match it for your DS's birthday? I used to gift my good friends' DC £20, but upped it to £40 for their 21sts and then only a card thereafter as they're adults now.

AdaShelby · 30/05/2019 14:19

Just out of interest, what did you think your options were?

KooMoo · 30/05/2019 14:20

Sorry OP urbu. I’m glad you are not a friend of mine as I’d be on egg shells worried about doing the wrong thing.

£50 gifts in most worlds would be classed as a very generous amount.

£150 gifts in most worlds would be classed as stupid unless you’re a millionaire.

dalmatianmad · 30/05/2019 14:21

Yes you're bring a Twat!
Maybe she can only afford 50 quid. My parents gave my dd £50 for her 18th recently

CripsSandwiches · 30/05/2019 14:22

YADBU. £50 is a very generous gift for a friend's child. If you chose to give an even more generous gift that's your choice and presumably done for the benefit of the child in question with no intention of keeping tally on your relationship with child's mum.

Atalune · 30/05/2019 14:26

Are you of a “blue-collar” income? I ask because your gift is quite the show off, and people who don’t have much, would scrimp to show they did have £££ as a front.

Think of the council house estates with kids with iPhones and the right sort of trainers. The outward markers of perceived wealth for the working class whilst the house is rented and the debt mounts.

It feels like that.

The are better off than you maybe? You gave generously and with love. So did they. Don’t get caught up in the numbers but perhaps scale it back a bit.

£150 feels like an enormous sum for a 21st from a family friend. Too much.

Hope your son has a lovely birthday

Smelborp · 30/05/2019 14:30

I know you’ve got the message, but I’m sort of curious about what you were thinking of doing.

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